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sauroman1
Emrys
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Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse?
#24253714 - 04/18/17 07:32 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hello. I'm currently visited a lots of doctors to find out what causing my problems such as attention deficit, memory problems, chronic insomnia, anxiety, lack of empathy and social skills. When bad memories arise things gets worse, my mind gets blank and I want only to isolate, waste unproductively time, get very nervous and aggressive even about slightest bad thing. At first I thought that it was asphyxia or TBI result, other physical illness or maybe nutritional deficiency but after many tests doctors just found that I have good health only had vitamin D deficiency which is usual due to lack of Sun in my country, CT scan also showed no brain damage, not sure about testosterone 5.58 mg/ml being normal.I learned that I was slow since birth probably due to asphyxia. Now I’m starting to see that these symptoms might be due to psychological reasons. Doctors got concerned right from beginning when I told them about my childhood in abusive family. Right from early age I was scared of father and was upbringed in spartan style (I even didn’t knew this until I asked mother, I have almost no memory up to primary school although I some earliest weird hallucination memories). Later at age 10 violence intensified even more as father started to drink more, psychological abuse was happening always everyday, he used also a lot physical abuse, lived like dirty homeless man and we lived in poverty. Our family was in constant fear and ready for worst as he attempted to use kitchen knife to stab us and once he went even for axe. Unfortunatelly police would do nothing despite calling them not once, just give him fine that harmed only us. Only recently he got judged after beating mother and new law was passed by which he was sentenced only for six months of abstinence from alcohol. He should have been rotting in jail, kicked out of home and wish I was allowed beat him to death for all he has done! Mother wasn’t abusive but ignored his violence despite being beaten most, our relationship wasn't normal, cold. I also was bullied in school because I was very silent and shy for some years. I still have little friends and I spend a lot of time alone. So for me childhood was mostly painful, unsafe, hard and cold period of life. I hoped I could fix my life after I find good job and girlfriend but I got only more angry because I couldn’t achieve these things either. GF’s I dated dumped me, bitches just friend zoned or left me despite being nice intelligent guy living healthy lifestyle and when I needed someone most to help heal. Also I got fired from jobs many times which were also good bachelor degree jobs. I would just fuck up because lack of attention, not getting orders properly and slowness even when working as construction worker. Same repeating after getting Masters degree. Now I have hope starting studying more popular profession would bring success but regreting that I wasted so many years on studies which didn’t provide job. I get very pissed off when I see happy families, couples and successful peers that had much happier, easier lives and have no idea how hard was mine. I get very upset, hostile when bad memories arise and have fantasies about violent revenge, punishing people who betrayed me and have suicidal ideation but these feelings are mixed with fear of jail, being killed by cops and hope that maybe there is cure, so they keep me alive. On other moments I just get sad, powerless, have no desire to work or socialize with people because it’s too complex for and just want to shut off, fade away.. Scary thing about child abuse is that scars remain for whole life and that happens to many children but family abuse is often hidden and ignored by the society. I’m taking now tianeptine which seems to have slight nootropic effect, reduce anxiety and also quetiapine for sleep but doctor told that it would take long years of psychotherapy until would I heal my childhood wounds. I still have hopes that alternative medicine can put me back on tracks. I had interest in psychedelics much earlier and had first 3-4 level shroom trip two years ago that had powerful impact. I used mushrooms and as well cannabis later I hopes to recover but here I’m now still suffering from these memories although some symptoms gradually are diminishing but these might be also from psychotherapy. Shrooms still didn’t clear away these bad memory so maybe I’m taking them not properly? Did anybody had similar experience and how you healed traumatic repressed memories? Should I be taking heavier shroom doses or I will need much more trips, try ayahuasca or something else?
-------------------- "You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.” ― Terence McKenna
Edited by sauroman1 (04/18/17 07:33 AM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24253724 - 04/18/17 07:43 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Get hold of a copy of 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel van der Kolk. I feel that'll clear a lot of things up for you, next steps on your path included.
Good luck brother.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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DerPda
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#24253996 - 04/18/17 09:55 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Those scares were carved in over many years, so you cant expect to heal in a few days. Psychotherapy is a must, despite the fact, that only a few therapists are qualified and willing to deal with such severe cases and it will take years. Psychedelics could help but more as tools. You still have to do the work on your own. Your experiences formed your personality and on a basic biological level also the developement of your brain. You can learn to handle things better and to live with your issues, but you can not expect full recovery unfortunately.
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zzripz
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24254292 - 04/18/17 11:57 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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so sorry to hear about all of that early horror. One good thing is you are sharing these experiences. A big healing is expressing what you are feeling. I also recommend you get a journal, and write how you feel day to day. It is personal for you, and you will findyourself going back to what you have written, drawn, and feeling your journey.
This culture is VERY insane and causes those kinds of traumatic events for many children. Especially school where you get double the trauma from other sadistic teachers and kids who are also truamatized. You usually find that bullies become so because they are trying to find some control over their pathetic lives via controlling their victims sadistically. And these places are where millions of kids HAVE to go week in week out. When BOTh your homelife and school is hell that is DOUBLE hell.
Ideally I would recommend you try MDMA therapy, because I have heard great results (will try and find some videos to link you to in this thread about it). Why it has been proving great for PTSD is that you can share deep traumatic memories without feeling fear, and doing so alleviates all the tensions, physical and psychological, which comes with trauma. I am not sure iof you can do this DIY. But I think IF you come up against fkin stupid obstacles like warmongering war criminals telling you what you can and cannot ingest, then you have to bypass that and Improvise. This might mean getting some MDMA and finding a self-help way to express how you feel. Maybe in a jourmal and video journal.
It is good you trust magic mushrooms also. Do some research on good ways to experiment with them for what you want.
You somehow have to feel deeply that as bad as your dad was amd as helpless as you feel your mum was regarding saving you from that hell they ALSO were/are victims. LOST! In deep experiences you will feel this and this is the healing factor.
But it is great you are expressing how you feel here also
I also very recommend Qi Gong
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sauroman1
Emrys
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: zzripz]
#24255820 - 04/18/17 11:32 PM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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It's third day since toxic memories surfaced and still feel paralyzed and now I see how they are crippling. I actually do write diary as recommended by doctor because I have to heal as fast as possible.
Stupid thing I did is didn't go earlier to psychologists and hoped I could fix myself with mushrooms or healthy lifestyle alone. I read that PTSD memories are hardwired with glutamate bonds which are hard to dissolve.
Don't know where to get clean MDMA but I probably will have to microdose shrooms. I need to be fully functional now. Tianeptine seems to reduce anxiety somewhat when it kicks in.
-------------------- "You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.” ― Terence McKenna
Edited by sauroman1 (04/19/17 12:05 AM)
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Dok.GT
Liberator of Enslaved Minds
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24255945 - 04/19/17 12:30 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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I would jump on the path to self improvement as soon as possible. Challenge yourself and never stop learning. I'd suggest starting close to home and simply improve your physical state of being. I'd suggest learning about diet and exercise and how diet can effect things such as add adhd anxiety depression and more. I would also suggest (if you can find it) guided MDMA sessions. I suggest learning about seratonin and mdma being used as an anxiolytic, for ptsd and repressed memories. I would seriously suggest a supportive group of friends and or family and even investing in a life coach. http://www.mdmaptsd.org
But mainly i'd start by eating and exercising correctly for YOU and HOW YOU ARE. And I'd start learning about homeopathic and natural remedies/treatments to help alleviate symptoms of and/or cure your ailments.
And remember that the outer world is affected by the inner world, I suggest meditation and power thinking or the act of correcting negative or self defeating thoughts. Next time you forget and you start to go "you idiot!" stop yourself, mention to yourself that you do not need to degrade yourself, its just part of my condition" and know that you can do things to improve your memory, and act on those things! Exercise your brain and eat brain food and supplements!
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Dok.GT
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: Dok.GT]
#24255959 - 04/19/17 12:42 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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I also feel like you may benefit from some comforting feminine ENERGIES, not necessarily finding "comfort in a woman" sexually, i literally mean energies, and sometimes it can take a womanly form. I would also suggest finding better male role models and revise your blueprint for what it means to be a man. F#$% the spartan style rearing and f#$% all the abuse, i have been there too my man. Age 7 dad killed himself, my mom started cooking meth and i lived through some grimy s@#$. I am still healing from all of it myself and life can get heavy, lonely, burdensome, and freaking desolate feeling, especially when we date bitches that are seemingly in it for themselves. I have been robbed by my closest, betrayed by my closest and treated like absolute s@#$ by ppl i loved and cared for deeply.
I am now heere to say that you can come out on the other side even if it seems too freaking far to even grsp for, take the leap anyways and LEARN. I'm still learning and always will be, i only truly get depressed when i put myself in corners and dont force myself to branch out and learn to deal with uncomfortable situations, its called fear, for whatever reason, fear freaking sux....dont be scared dude, we are here for you im literally f@#$ing crying right now rofl I really hope you find relief soon my friend!!!
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beforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: Dok.GT]
#24255987 - 04/19/17 01:00 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm always offering the radical alternatives, so bare that in mind.
But mushrooms used simply in the context of the intention to heal at low doses will cleanse the body and spirit.
Please start meditation. Identify with awareness and not the body. It will help so much. This is how we get God to help us. We fall into our natural awareness which is His kingdom.
Ultimately suffering is pretence.
Yes, I know that's heartless to say that.
But as one who has suffered to insane degrees, suffering is just a dream.
My suffering has included brain injury, neck and back injury, nerve damage, schizophrenia and yes horrific childhood abuse.
I've been through shit war veterans would know about.
And suffering is pretence...
There is no suffering, there is only perfection. Meditate to make this more clear to yourself.
Look up Ramana Maharshi -
especially books BE AS YOU ARE by DAVID GODMAN
and
Guru Vachaka Kovai (The Garland of Guru's Sayings) by Sri Muruganar
-------------------- Hostile humankind Can't you see you're fucking blind?
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Dok.GT
Liberator of Enslaved Minds
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: beforethedawn]
#24256021 - 04/19/17 01:41 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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I agree with everything stated except the fact remains that if you put good in good comes out, bad in bad out, eating some foods can lead to one thing or another and some foods can help alleviate many things, including phsycological disorders, i had a lady friend once who had a serotonin imbalance and her doctor gave her a strict diet aand took her off of certain meds, and boy oh boy did i wish we knew this earlier on in the relationship instead of oh idk, two weeks before it force quit lol (she went nuuuuuutzzzzooooo, twas all bad and still is for both of us im sure) so yes the body does matter, but mind is over matter! So meditate away, it'll be the best thing in the world for your state of being, oh ya and be present, the past was just vamping us for the now, lessons and experiences are the past, you are the now, so be the you you want yo!
seriously though, meditation and check out that link i left, i believe the psilocin and mdma can actually do the brain good contrary to some ignorant beliefs in this young young world
p.s. exercise has also been shown to regulate hormonal levels, yay endorphines, and need i even delve into the myriad other reasons for why exercise is a good thing? It has been show to reduce stress and anxiety levels drastically, and as someone that still has sprigs of social anxiety, i have been feeling umpteen trillion times better in general since i started giving a flying hoot again and started exercising. I sleep better, get up earlier, and feel like my day is looooooooonger due to increased energy levels
Edited by Dok.GT (04/19/17 01:57 AM)
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Peyote Road
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: Dok.GT]
#24256049 - 04/19/17 02:14 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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To start out with I recommend watching Teal Swan's videos on youtube. She has helped me understand/face things inside which I was deathly afraid of before I listened to her vidoes. But I also recommend getting a live therapist if you can find a good one.
-------------------- The path of the herbalist is to open ourselves to nature in an innocent and pure way. SHe in turn will open her bounty and reward us with many valuable secrets. May the earth bless you. - Michael Tierra
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sprinkles
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24256101 - 04/19/17 03:10 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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i sympathize with your upbringing. I understand where you are coming from.
you are still young so you dont know... you wont see this yet but there are benefits of being raised in that traumatic environment. you have not discovered that yet. and I know this is hard to believe but trust me you will probably find yourself in circumstances where everyone is panicing and running around screaming their fucking heads off and your blood pressure and heart rate wont even rise. it just stays the same. Cause you are going to be used to all kinds of fucked up ruckus and chaos. You will be calm in the most fucked up shit, and no one else will be.
you think too much. fuck when i was young all I ever wanted was to FORGET. *be careful what you wish for.
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Jokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sprinkles]
#24256117 - 04/19/17 03:29 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
sprinkles said: you wont see this yet but there are benefits of being raised in that traumatic environment.
I agree. But at what cost?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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zzripz
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24256187 - 04/19/17 04:43 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
sauroman1 said: It's third day since toxic memories surfaced and still feel paralyzed and now I see how they are crippling. I actually do write diary as recommended by doctor because I have to heal as fast as possible.
Stupid thing I did is didn't go earlier to psychologists and hoped I could fix myself with mushrooms or healthy lifestyle alone. I read that PTSD memories are hardwired with glutamate bonds which are hard to dissolve.
Don't know where to get clean MDMA but I probably will have to microdose shrooms. I need to be fully functional now. Tianeptine seems to reduce anxiety somewhat when it kicks in.
it is VERY important to be extremely careful when you go to get MDMA. In the Uk recently there have been reported deaths of young people after taking MDMA. The reason given is that the pushers doubled its strength. because it is criminalized, obviously this usually means it isn't regulated. I believe in Holland etc there are groups who provide free regulation of MDMA etc.
So, if you were to get it do as much research as possible. I believe Tor, the 'Dark Web', could be a good source, as long as you find a place you can trust and speak to the people there. And just to be safe only take half of any pill you get to be careful. Then if feeling alright you could pop the rest into the experience.
Checkout these videos:
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sprinkles
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#24256193 - 04/19/17 04:48 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
sprinkles said: you wont see this yet but there are benefits of being raised in that traumatic environment.
I agree. But at what cost?
ugh. yeah. A very high cost. lol trying to look on the bright side here. Everyone is screwed up to some degree, right?
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sprinkles
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24256219 - 04/19/17 05:25 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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sauroman1
Emrys
Registered: 03/22/14
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sprinkles]
#24256310 - 04/19/17 06:55 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thanks very much for your support. On contrary in lithuanian forum I got actually got apathetic, stupid reaction and even was attacked when telling such stories, that I should have manned up and get over it. Lithuania has very sick culture and society it seems to be reason why it was at some point leader at alcoholism, suicide and number of depressed people. Ending this stupid drug war and following Netherlands example is first step.
I actually did meditation long time before as way to heal which led me to studying esoteric, New Age teachings and even started blindly believing pleiadians could save me because I needed hope to escape fear and pain, only later I got access to drugs.
Edited by sauroman1 (04/19/17 06:56 AM)
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Dok.GT
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24257787 - 04/19/17 04:54 PM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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P.S. i just re-re-re-read things and its not about clearing away the memories, because that is repression, which is part of the issue, it is about dealing with them and changing it from a poison to a positive, like your hardened steel, the illest of swords and you can cut through an BS problem that comes your way now, or whatever visualization that may help you...A real life therapist will def help if they aren't some auto pilot robot lol especially with heping you re-wire some of your previous thoughts or notions about the world you may not even recognize you have
And believe me, some times its not as easy as you'd think and others it's perfectly natural to be on the up and up about it...I'm proud of what i've gone through, faced and overcome so far and am excited to keep climbing personal mountains!!!!!
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zzripz
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24259153 - 04/20/17 08:40 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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sauroman1
Emrys
Registered: 03/22/14
Posts: 207
Loc: Shangrila
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: zzripz]
#24263161 - 04/22/17 12:25 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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So only MDMA is potent enough to treat PTSD? Or I can continue using mushrooms and marijuana properly?
-------------------- "You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.” ― Terence McKenna
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zzripz
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Re: Healing severe PTSD from chilldhood abuse? [Re: sauroman1]
#24263399 - 04/22/17 05:24 AM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
sauroman1 said: So only MDMA is potent enough to treat PTSD? Or I can continue using mushrooms and marijuana properly?
No, I really just meant that I have heard a lot of how people with PTSD have been deeply helped with MDMA therapy. But also said that in this fked up insane world that criminalizes MDMA and all the psychedelics, making it hard for people to have the choice and the help they may choose, we have to improvise for our own well being with what we find the easiest. So if you have access to shrooms then these are truly magic!
I absolutely love magic mushrooms, and very MUCH recommend you continue using them for how you see fit.
checkout this article for example. I must though say that I very am not for 'testing' on animals, and I distrust the shrink lingo of psychological distress being 'damage to the brain'. This idea supports their 'mental illness' myth which they use as pretext to push their other legal 'medication'. BUT I find it interesting how they say low doe is as if not more powerful than high dose. I remember you saying your taking low dose. I also recommend this for recreational tripping also. This can also be encouraged in deeper ways by drinking certain things with the ingestion of shrooms. I MUST find this recipe I have heard about lol. As soon as I do I will link it here.
But yeah, have a look: Psilocybin Shown to Heal and Repair Brain Cells, May Be Promising New PTSD Treatment
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