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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: Asante] * 11
    #24184224 - 03/22/17 06:59 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Strange Loop of existence


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Invisibletyrannicalrex
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: morrowasted]
    #24184981 - 03/23/17 01:45 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)



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Invisibletrees
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 2
    #24186124 - 03/23/17 01:06 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)



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Trees is dead, this is his mum posting



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InvisibleChRnZN
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: trees] * 1
    #24187095 - 03/23/17 07:25 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Top 10 Maury Povitch Moments


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Invisibletyrannicalrex
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: ChRnZN] * 4
    #24189253 - 03/24/17 03:29 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)



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InvisibleChRnZN
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 6
    #24189559 - 03/24/17 05:29 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)


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OfflineCujllickduo
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: ChRnZN]
    #24189711 - 03/24/17 06:17 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

:aweman:  :awenuhuh:

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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: Cujllickduo]
    #24190086 - 03/24/17 08:20 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)




theres gonna be so much irony

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Offlineakira_akuma
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: morrowasted] * 1
    #24190126 - 03/24/17 08:32 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

what is life?


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Offlinetwighead
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: akira_akuma] * 1
    #24190144 - 03/24/17 08:37 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
:eek::eek::eek:
:eek:


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¿Check out some art m8?


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: akira_akuma] * 2
    #24190146 - 03/24/17 08:38 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

The Complicated Life of Angela Bernheart
Chapter 1: The Reckoning

Angela Bernheart sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. She peered from behind her Cosmopolitan magazine to look at the other clients. She wondered what they ate for breakfast, their dreams, their favorite colour. There was a young boy about the age of seven; she wondered when he would lose his virginity and with who – little Jenny from the block? Amanda the neighborhood slut?
Angela tapped her fingers on her knee. She had two cups of coffee this morning. Two milk, two sugar. Her head was slightly sore from hitting her head on the corner of a cupboard. However, she was in a good mood. Her birthday was only six weeks away.
The secretary rang a bell on her desk. “Doctor Goldstein will see you now, Angela.”
Angela walked into Dr. Goldstein’s office.
“Please sit, Angela.”
Angela proudly obeyed.
“What’s going on, Dr. Goldstein?”
“I have the results of your STD test. The results are not good.”
“What do I have, Dr. Goldstein?”
“You got aids, bitch.”
Angela’s world was smashed like a table smashed in half from a wrestler dropping from thirty feet onto it.
“I can’t have aids. I’ve only had sex with my boyfriend of eight years, Billy. Billy was tested three years ago and he didn’t have anything.”
“Well, as it turns out, you can get it from sitting in a movie theatre. They inject the aids right into the seat… quite tragic, really…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
“Yes, my dear. You have eight years to live.”
Angela’s head was spinning so fast it threatened to give her whiplash.
“Here are your AIDS pills. Keep them in a dry, cool place.”
Angela meekly stepped out of the office. On her way out she spat on the cactus that sat at the corner of the waiting room. The other clients gasped and looked at each other in amazement.
“I need to talk to someone. Anyone” Angela thought to herself. She dialed the number of her best friend, Stephanie. Stephanie answered the call with a groggy voice.
“Angela, my twin flame! What is the doth reason for such contacting on these fine summers eve?”
“Talk like a normal person for once, Stephanie.”
“I didn’t know we were still friends after you didn’t congratulate me on my work promotion.”
“Well, let me take this chance to congratulate you on becoming the top hooker in Ricky’s prostitution ring,” Angela said bitterly.
“You’re just jealous ‘cause the boys be drinking my milkshake. When was the last time you got your milkshake drank, girl?”
“My body isn’t a milkshake – it’s a milk fountain, right in the middle of the mall of America.” Angela said as she gave the stink-eye to a pitbull across the street.
“Fuckin’ dogs be chillin’ when they have no right to be chillin’” Angela thought angrily.
“Why did you even call me, Angela?”
Angela hesitated. She wanted to tell Stephanie that she was diagnosed with aids but was no longer sure she could trust her old friend.
“I called… I called…t-t-t-t” Angela stuttered
“What? Just tell me, Angela. You can trust me.”
“I gotta go,” Angela said as she ended the call on her phone. She scoped out the area for the nearest bar. She walked across the street and entered a bar named “The Red Radish”.
“A shot of petrol please,” Angela said to the barkeep.
The barkeep nodded his head to acknowledge her and turned around and filled a shot glass with petrol.
An old man on the stool beside her leaned to his left and let out a rapturous fart.
“The fuck?” Angela frowned.
“Yeah, yeah… drink your poison, sister.”
She unhappily obeyed. “This place sucks.”
“You suck… you always have.”
“I don’t even know you.”
“Angela right? Angela Bernheart?”
“How do you know my name?” Angela stared at him wild-eyed.
“Yeah, I remember you. You were in that big news story a year back,” he chuckled.
Angela had been in the news for murdering the mayor’s beloved pigeon. “I thought people had forgotten about that by now” she thought to herself.
“We loved that pigeon. My name is Frank.” Frank extended his hand out and Angela shook it.
“How about a handy in the men’s room?”
“That could be arranged,” Angela giggled. They moved to the men’s washroom and Frank lowered his pants. Angela’s heart was pounding. “This is crazy,” she thought. ”Crazy hot.”
Frank’s erect member was greasy and oily. It shimmered like a thousand suns. It smelled like sour cream and onion dip.
“Oh, oh, that’s the shit. That’s the shit!” Frank’s erection was harder than diamond. The LSD he took an hour ago was making him see rainbows popping out of the vein of his dick.
A geriatric man entered the washroom, hobbling on one leg and a cane.
“Anyone seen my dementia pills?” he asked as he watched Frank start to nail Angela in the face.
“Yeah, in fact, I think I seen ‘em up my ass,” Frank commented.
“Can I give her a look-see?” the geriatric man took two steps forward. He coughed and spit on the floor and as he looked at his purple-brownish spit he suddenly realized his place in the universe. He was meant to be in this washroom at this very moment. This moment was the apex, the ultimate realization of his life. He hobbled over to Angela and started doing her from behind. “Full steam ahead, captain,” he thought to himself. There was a method to their madness and Angela was fully aroused. They fucked her like a see-saw, in perfect harmony and balance. This was a divine experience. Angela was hearing heavenly trumpets in her head as her throat and anus was filled with mega-sized penises. She felt like she was at heaven’s gates and all her baggage and trauma were slipping away. As she climaxed she felt that this must be what it feels like to meet God, and to be fucked by him.
Frank and the elderly man finished their business. They stood in front of the washroom mirror and talked to each other about the different chicken wing flavors at the bar while fixing themselves up. Angela was disinterested in this conversation and left the washroom, and then the bar. As she was walking down Corridor Street a young man insisted on giving her a pamphlet about the savior Jesus. There was a picture of a half-naked Jesus nailed to a cross on the pamphlet and Angela could feel wet down in her genitals. She started fantasizing:
“Angela, so nice of you to come back in time to the biblical age,” Jesus said. Angela and Jesus stood in a straw hut surrounded by goats and hungry lepers. Jesus took off his sash and gently placed it on a pillow. Angela’s tits hardened and she let out a soft sigh. “The Sheppard’s won’t be back for another three hours,” Jesus said softly into Angela’s ear. Angela could feel her knees weaken. Jesus unsheathed his robe and let it fall away from his body. His nuts were tucked in behind his legs. “He’s teasing me,” Angela thought. Jesus cracked his knuckles and then rubbed his hands together. “Let’s get in that pussy,” he said.
Jesus took Angela by her shoulders and tossed her onto the floor of the hut. “That’s going to leave a bruise,” she thought as she anticipated Jesus’ next move. He took off his Jesus Cross Chains and hung them up on the coat rack. Then he lowered his body onto hers. He let his hard penis drag across her back. Then he used his penis to massage the knots in Angela’s back, digging in hard and rotating. “That feels good,” Angela said.
Now he arched his back and grabbed his feet from behind in a seemingly impossible yoga move. “What are you doing?” Angela asked. “This is a tantric technique. It guarantees that I will impregnate you,” he replied firmly. “I guess I’m okay with that,” Angela said. He placed his penis inside her vagina and moved it around. “Oh, oh, oh” she cried. “My dick feels like hot sauce!” Jesus yelled. “Oh yeah, Jesus, give me your hot sauce!” Angela yelled louder. “My hot sauce you shall have, my lady!” he yelled at full volume.
“My pussy is on fire!”
“My cock has a Scoville rating of 2 million units!”
“My pussy needs milk!”
“Here comes the milk! Here comes the milk!”
“Yeah, give me that milk.”
“It’s coming, baby.”
“I need that milk!”
Jesus grunted loudly. As he came he collapsed on Angela and banged his knee hard on the ground.
Angela smiled; she was satisfied.
Angela came back to reality. She folded the pamphlet several times and fit it in her back jeans pocket. She walked down the boulevard with a big smile on her face and a certain confidence in her step. It was a great day to be alive. She cried a little bit from happiness. She put on in her ear buds and listened to Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.
“Come get your beef dogs, Italian sausage, Polish sausage, German sausage!” A hotdog vender shouted out.
Angela smiled at him and shook her head. “I’ve had my fill of sausage today,” she said with a wink. The hotdog vender gave her a look of disgust and threw a hotdog at her. She just nearly dodged it and gave out a contemptuous, scornful laugh. “Bitch, I played dodge ball for three years." The hotdog vender pushed his stand over and came running at Angela at full speed. She pulled out a knife with a six inch blade and shanked him twice in the side of his torso. His blood spilled onto the street. Suddenly, three more vendors drove up. “They must share a group mind,” Angela thought. One vendor ran at her with sausage nun chucks and waved them over his head. As he reached within inches of her, she sidestepped him and shanked him in the neck. He made a gurgling noise and collapsed to the ground. The second vender was built like a refrigerator and he threw his entire stand at her. She did a barrel roll and dodged it. The stand broke into pieces and condiments spilled onto the street. He threw a pair of tongs at her and it hit her in the eye. She stumbled around and he ran up and dropkicked her in the chest. She fell down but quickly recovered. He went for a right hook but she blocked it and then uppercut him in the jaw. He went sailing through the air and landed on a fire hydrant, breaking his back and rendering him immobile.
“Avenge me, Mario,” he said to the third vendor. 
The third vendor just got pissed. His chest was heaving as he was breathing like a bull on parade. He pulled out a knife in similar size to Angela’s knife. He looked straight into her eyes and beckoned her to come at him. Angela stood with her legs unnaturally far apart with one arm at her side at a 45 degree angle holding her knife while keeping her other hand near her chest with a closed fist. It looked pretty badass. She smirked and raised her chin. Mario smirked too and slowly lowered his head to his left shoulder and then the right, making cracking noises as he went.
“You should know… I’m not afraid to die,” Angela said.
“Then this will be easy for you,” Mario responded.
The sun was going down now and the sky was purple and pink. A large crowd had gathered and circled the two enemies. An elderly woman wearing a poncho leaned over to a small boy and whispered “It’s on now. It’s officially on.”
Mario charged at Angela with the vigour of a thousand elk stampede and had bad thoughts in his eyes about her. He attempted a double roundhouse kick but was blocked by Angela’s wrist. Angela charged and gave Mario a double leg takedown, causing his head to smash against the sidewalk. Mario got up and swiped Angela’s leg causing her to trip and fall. Then he picked her up and did a Fireman’s Carry followed by a power-bomb.
Mario stood over her, with a very serious expression on his face. “Get up,” he said. Angela groaned and slowly lifted herself off the ground. She wiped dust off her shirt. “You’re a little bitch nugget,” she said and jerked her head forward in his direction.
“When you eat through a plastic tube… when you are paralyzed from the neck down… then your family will gather around your hospital bed to seek a new day.”
“I am the fucking infernal shadow of yesteryear. My power is immeasurable and gargantuan in scope. Your ancestors will weep over the beat down I’m about to bring on you like a perfect hurricane.”
“My mind is chaos and it spills into my fists to bring ultimate decimation. The golden cup will be mine and I will drink your blood from it.”
“I’m an assassin magician and I’m going to resurrect the dead to take you to hell.”
Angela punched Mario in the face. Mario punched back. Angela punched him again in the face and broke his nose. Mario head-butted Angela and punched her in the stomach. Angela gave Mario a roundhouse kick to the side of his head. Mario did a back flip and struck Angela’s jaw on the way up. Angela gave Mario three uppercuts in a row and then a roundhouse kick. Mario screamed and started throwing incredibly fast punches into Angela’s face. She blocked them all.
“Time to meet your maker,” Angela grunted. Angela punched Mario’s head clean off, causing a fountain of blood to spurt out of his now open neck. The crowd cheered wildly. There was a bounty of smiling faces. Angela smiled and waved to the crowd.
A news reporter hurried over to Angela with a microphone followed by a cameraman.
“What’s your name, dear? What just happened here? Can you explain?”
Angela shrugged the reporter off and casually walked away from the cheering crowd. She smirked and pulled out a cigarette from her pocket. She lit it and took a toke. “It’s been an interesting day,” she mused to herself.


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InvisibleDustyBottoms
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #24190164 - 03/24/17 08:43 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

:whathesaid:


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Offlinetwighead
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #24190183 - 03/24/17 08:49 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

FUCKING GOLD


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¿Check out some art m8?


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: twighead]
    #24190238 - 03/24/17 09:08 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

:mypleasure:


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InvisibleTantrika
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: memes] * 1
    #24190383 - 03/24/17 10:06 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Sometimes all it takes to unravel a delinquent little shit is the threat of boot camp



:hahawtf:

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Invisibletyrannicalrex
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: Tantrika] * 1
    #24193585 - 03/26/17 01:28 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Mucho weirdness.


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OfflineWScott
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 5
    #24193939 - 03/26/17 07:38 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)



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OfflineWScott
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: WScott] * 18
    #24194009 - 03/26/17 08:20 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)



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InvisibleAsante
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: WScott]
    #24194021 - 03/26/17 08:26 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Thats not a funny WScott, that's a political criticism.

Lets laugh about cats. :nicekitty:


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Omnicyclion.org
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OfflineWScott
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Re: Can we has a funnies thread? -- Part 5 [Re: Asante] * 9
    #24194055 - 03/26/17 08:44 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

:bored:



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