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mushboy
modboy



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READ MY RAMBLINGS 1
#24165927 - 03/16/17 02:16 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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tl:dr - i beat an addiction with mushrooms, disproved god and became master of the universe.
back in the mid 2000s i was trying to recreate 'the 60s' with some heavy pot smoking and trippy blacklight posters. unfortunately, the only substance beyond weed and booze that my friends could get was robo. cough meds. cor. tussin. sizzurp. We abused that shit to a horrible degree. i do not recommend this course of action. doing a gram of dxm extraction is worth trying a few times but eating coricedin cold/cough for months on end turned nasty. looking back the dxm fucked me up way more than i thought at first but it was a learning experience non the less. the dxm opened the door for me to discover and research newer ways to expand my mind, ..man. first was E. it wasnt great but it was ok, after that i got some hands on some research chemicals with inconsistent and dangerous results. 2c-i or example, i took once and it was great. looking back i have a feeling i was given something else. it had more of a speed like quality towards it. i doubt it was real 2c-i because the other 2 times i took it were the most negative and had the longest lasting repercussions on my mental well being. i am just figuring this out damn near 10 years past the fact.
during all this fucking around i met my wife, and her brother. lets call him ...zoidberg. zoidberg had also fried his shit hard but with a bunch of acid. some mind blowing experiences and some damaging experiences. he can no longer trip. he gets really bad stomach issues. i think its from his terrible lifestyle and eating choices but what do i know?
zoidberg turned me on to the other side of things. the world beyond ours. i always knew that i felt out of place, or that the world was out of place but i couldnt really put my finger on it all until that first time i took a real drug. magic mushrooms. i got them from the guy that i got weed from. he was an odd fellow and i thought he was a sociopath but he did change my life with one single sentence. 'i found out you can grow shrooms at home, check out the shroomery.org!' he said. he sold me an 8th of half dried shitty ass pf cake shrooms sold for 50$. i was not impressed but some voice told me to do it. to take the leap and spend the $$ and see whats up. that voice became important later on....
nothing crazy with the first trip. but it was like someone turned on the lights after living in the dark my whole life. it was truly a mind opening experience. jerking it was awesome too. my cock turning into a mushroom in my hand but more on that some other time. i ate the shrooms with some water and chilled with my gf(now wife, zoidberg sisters, call her leela.) got the usual goofy feelings and enhanced visuals but it was the comedown where i starting thinking... about mushrooms. they seemed like little people. that i can eat. and then they worked inside my brain. changing things.. doing things. my own 'machine elves'. It didnt take long until zoidberg and i gathered our cash and ordered some shitty grow bags. i followed the horrible teks at the time and got horrible results. but this was over 10 years ago and ANY results was considered good. so a lot of shitty shitty teks were popular. PMPs, fishtanks.. choke bags.. drip shields.. coffee filters.. facepalm nation!! still seeing people refer/using these teks makes me sick.
After a bunch of this and that, i was able to do a real attempt at growing and it was decent for what i was doing at the time. but i was immature and honestly unable to handle the huge mental burden that growing turned into. i guess something similar to a person who gets famous for doing something they love but can no longer stand to do it anymore and it makes them insane. kurt cobain style i guess but i was being a drama queen. the best thing though was when zoidberg made some ayahuasca and i took it minus the dmt containing plant and took 6g of mushrooms instead. it was unreal. i can not and will not try to put the experience into words. all i can say is 'wow'. that one trip happened right before a lot of change in my life took place. i got married that same year, moved out of parents and in with leela and got a job. i also started to drink. a lot.
looking back i was unable to process the aya and something happened inside my brain. im not sure what it even was but i can only assume something went on because i did not trip for 10 years and some months. i worked and drank instead. i payed bills. i was lost. i was doing what i thought i needed to do to be happy. the whole wife, job, kids routine. dont get me wrong! i love my wife more then i can express. the bond i feel with her is as natural as it gets. i feel like i never need to talk or be with anyone else ever again. she is that perfect for me. like a puzzle piece. she completes me in the most over hyped and romanticized ways possible. but something was missing inside me. and i tried to fill it with booze.
at any rate, i did that for a long time. moved few times, got promoted, climbed some ladders in life.. all seemed good. minus the booze. some work related personal shit completely derailed my life in a major way. i became unemployed and dealing with an injury. i got paid but damn. im disabled for the rest of my life now. oh well. however, i became depressed. big time. i started drinking at a rate that was suicidal. i also, randomly, logged into shroomery. looking at old pics i started to feel old. and thought about some of the unanswered questions i had. since i had the free time i started back up. grew some mushrooms. at 2 g dose, felt completely off for about 2 or 3 days until i had what some people would label as a vision. call it what you will but it was not a friendly vision. it was satan himself. evil in the depths of my soul. a true living hell frozen in one awful emotion i was feeling. i can not describe this feeling at all. maybe the same as having a loaded gun pointed at your head by a mental patient that is your own reflection. my own anti me. everything ugly about me became a tactile sensation inside my head.
what had happened(as i see it) is the mushrooms(me using a drug) took the addiction i had and put it into a box. this box had a big ass label put on it and said DO NOT USE. it made the addiction something i could physically wrap my head around. it became clear as day. no more booze, it is toxic to me. toxic to the way my brain is wired to work. i love whiskey. dont get me wrong. and good tequila is where its at. i really enjoy the taste. i also really enjoy blowjobs. but i dont get that gratification whenever i get the desire. if i see a hot chick and think 'damn, id like to lick her asshole' but do i run up to her and do it? fuck no. booze needs to be treated the same way. sure i like it, i want it, its great.. but i cant have it. plain and simple. it is really sad that some people either need to or are forced to complicate the addiction more than that. i can not have it. the reasons do not matter. nothing matters but the end result and truth of the process.
the withdrawal was bad.
the experience itself was a living nightmare for a solid week. i could not function. making a sandwich was difficult. doing anything that required any thought was impossible. this included breathing. imagine having to be aware of each breath and having to have mental focus to control it. i felt like i was hyper ventilating all the time. my heart was racing. i wanted to sleep but that was no possible. i wanted to eat, shit, smoke up, jerk off, relax, casually watch tv.. after a few days of this hell i noticed the experience was similar to the worst psychedelic bad trip imaginable. and it really was. this shit had no off switch. it was full blast. never had i ever felt something so primal, so terrifying in my life. just a fear of death. if i had insurance id would of called 911. i felt my brain misfire all day and night. twitches, nightmares. waking nightmares. id be about to talk and instead slur my speech and freeze in terror. the only thing that saved me from real damage was my experience with psychoactives. Also i was slowing doing battle inside my head. and i was winning. slowly regained something id lost from the sauce... my deepest ability to think clearly when i need to. booze will strip some people of that voice. and it took mine away for a long fucking time. I think that voice told me to rediscover mushrooms. that voice... the voice of whatever you would call it. some people get lost and think the voice is god, or some other divinity. i doubt that. that voice was me. the same thing that is left after large doses of active chemicals. the furthest reaches of whatever it is that is you. whatever the secret is, it is what is me. not some magical being or guiding light. but me. boring. bland me. sober me...
but i gotta have something, right? i cant just be... sober.. all bright eyed and bushy tailed. but being sober is a state of mind. its a frame of thinking that is free from a chemical pulling. its the ability to see and recognize who you really are. not some alter ego that the brain can chemically change into from the addiction. i love me some pot. weed helps you do just that! puts you in touch with who you really are. booze and other drugs CHANGES who you really are and distorts the original thinking into some twisted version of itself.
needless to say I tripped again the other day and it was the best trip ever. even a small dose. but i shed my ego so painlessly and i had such a great time just being myself. something i havent done in a long time(even though i drank every day, mega selfish but different topic ) i had such clear thought. i had reconnected with that voice. i am in control again. i am my own master and with my newly reconnected self the gods will fear the power i possess. for they are envious of the mortal man for we can do what they can not.
we can live each moment to the fullest. each moment can be its own universe. a simple expression will last long past we are gone. a simple expression of love. or hate. its our call.
we are the masters. we are gods.
thats all i got to say bout that
Edited by mushboy (03/16/17 02:37 AM)
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SyzygisticSoul
Shroom Yawner


Registered: 04/19/16
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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: mushboy]
#24165953 - 03/16/17 02:48 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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Very enjoyable read. Once I started reading it was hard not to finish. Thanks for telling your story. I'm glad things are going better for you bud; I truly see you in a new light
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mushboy
modboy



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Lobi
Bushido



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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: mushboy]
#24166387 - 03/16/17 09:14 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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"we are gods" "disproved God" Glad you found a lot of answers man. Glad you got good use out of the sacrament and have found more aspects of yourself. But you didn't disprove anything you just THINK you are in the know of how the highest of highs work. We have no idea man. I agree with you to am extent on many of the metaphysical points you've made but don't illude your perception and desire for reality to be a certain way, as the actual objective reality. I am not a Christian or Western theist by any means but don't be so naive to believe you've got it figured out. That is a sure fire way to get immediately back into fucked shit. Man trying to find God is like a mollusk trying to engulf the ocean. The ALL is unknowable and unattainable.
Don't illude that you are above a god or above anything you are feeding your own neurosis. We are the gods of our atoms and the ATOMS of gods. You are nothing. You are a spec of dust. But you're also an entire universe. The Buddhists talk of 3000 realms in a single moment and every thing being infinitely divisible. Einstein talks of relativity. You are only a high in relation to the micro.
What you're speaking of sounds extremely solipsistic and luciferian. Which is a great way to continue down the path you claim you're walking away from or came out of. I completely agree with you when you say "drugs make us different people" they alter our minds and it's conditioning. It alters aspects of our deeper selves. I can relate heavily to this. But you must also realize the reason that is so is because the conditionkng it has on the brain. You change your conditioning you change who you are. Change your environment and how you engage with it and you change the conditioning.
Don't think you have the answers and don't think you can be above anything. That isn't humble nor is it true. I can understand how you can have pride in overcoming and going through all of this. But let your accomplishments bring you refreshments to your inner Self/soul/astral being, not food and more energy to your negative aspects of ego associated with being above god or above the Universe(Uni - One, verse, to turn) one turn. One motion. One mind. One ALL, ALL in ALL. You are not above the grand and only motion, the tao, for you are it. As a rock in the river you claim to be bigger than it? Don't feed into that bs man. You will have much more strength and vigilance out of being able to bask in the current and going with it than thinking you're Higher than the Most High.
I am glad you have that Titan kind of feeling though. It is what makes me feel on fire and makes me feel ready to martyr myself for that which is right and true. The mushrooms definitely gave me that burning feeling, like a positive connotation of rage. Preparedness and readiness. Immortality. Realizing my flesh is flesh and the force behind it is invincible. Ready to rush forward and obliterate everything that is flesh and beyond so only i, self, me, remains.
Sorry to go on and on and basically give a huge lecture on the last 3 parts of your whole story. I really enjoyed reading it and feel a heavier empathy towards you for or now. We are all human and it's humbling to experience an aspect of other people's sufferings. It gives you perspective and faith. I only say all of this because I hope to help you further yourself in your recovery. We all need healthy support.
-------------------- The bonds and ties of the life we know break easily. But through eternity one bond remains; the bond of fellowship. The fellowship of atoms, of star dust in its endless flight, of suns and worlds, of gods and men. The clasped hands of comradeship unite in a bond eternal; the fellowship of spirit. - My High Quality Lo-Fi Beats - - MushroomCultivation Compendium - - Doing Bulk w/ No PC - more about my music
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mushboy
modboy



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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: Lobi]
#24166419 - 03/16/17 09:28 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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you are taking me waaaaaay to seriously.
it was just some ramblings from a guy who ate some shrooms
Quote:
being above god or above the Universe
not what i ment in any way shape or form.
Quote:
Don't illude that you are above a god or above anything you are feeding your own neurosis.
how can i be above something that does not exist? and neither does the self so how can i be 'solipsistic'?? sounds like we are on different pages with that one. but yah kicking the booze is good stuff.
more empathy towards me? care to elaborate?
Edited by mushboy (03/16/17 09:33 AM)
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Lobi
Bushido



Registered: 02/06/16
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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: mushboy]
#24166472 - 03/16/17 09:45 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
mushboy said: you are taking me waaaaaay to seriously.
it was just some ramblings from a guy who ate some shrooms
Quote:
being above god or above the Universe
not what i ment in any way shape or form.
Quote:
Don't illude that you are above a god or above anything you are feeding your own neurosis.
how can i be above something that does not exist? and neither does the self so how can i be 'solipsistic'?? sounds like we are on different pages with that one. but yah kicking the booze is good stuff.
more empathy towards me? care to elaborate?
-------------------- The bonds and ties of the life we know break easily. But through eternity one bond remains; the bond of fellowship. The fellowship of atoms, of star dust in its endless flight, of suns and worlds, of gods and men. The clasped hands of comradeship unite in a bond eternal; the fellowship of spirit. - My High Quality Lo-Fi Beats - - MushroomCultivation Compendium - - Doing Bulk w/ No PC - more about my music
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Lobi
Bushido



Registered: 02/06/16
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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: Lobi]
#24166481 - 03/16/17 09:47 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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everything you stated and questioned is either basically combated or answered in my previous post. does sound like we are on different pages. and das cool
Always trust a man searching for truth, never trust a man claiming to have found it. Only fools know.
-------------------- The bonds and ties of the life we know break easily. But through eternity one bond remains; the bond of fellowship. The fellowship of atoms, of star dust in its endless flight, of suns and worlds, of gods and men. The clasped hands of comradeship unite in a bond eternal; the fellowship of spirit. - My High Quality Lo-Fi Beats - - MushroomCultivation Compendium - - Doing Bulk w/ No PC - more about my music
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mushboy
modboy



Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32,265
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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: Lobi]
#24166482 - 03/16/17 09:47 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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mushboy
modboy



Registered: 04/24/05
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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: Lobi]
#24166494 - 03/16/17 09:52 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lobi said: Always trust a man searching for truth, never trust a man claiming to have found it. Only fools know.
truth brother. i was not intending to say i found any answers or anything of that nature. it was something i typed in one stream of thought and felt like sharing the unedited ramblings. i was being dramatic im sure. it was written at 4am. been awake for 33hours.
im always searching.
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Lobi
Bushido



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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: mushboy]
#24166542 - 03/16/17 10:06 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
mushboy said:
Quote:
Lobi said: Always trust a man searching for truth, never trust a man claiming to have found it. Only fools know.
im always searching.
Really glad to hear that mushboy. 
I for sure feel ya homie, I know how it goes, my response was basically equates to the same type of singularr stream of thought. take it with a grain of salt. i am only trying to help where i see someone trying to help themselves. saw you on the right direction and just wanted to give in my eyes some form of advice or reflection, combating your own beliefs to make sure theyre solid in alignment with the objective truth. sorry for taking it so seriously. life is mad serious but also is just like a giant pepememe.
-------------------- The bonds and ties of the life we know break easily. But through eternity one bond remains; the bond of fellowship. The fellowship of atoms, of star dust in its endless flight, of suns and worlds, of gods and men. The clasped hands of comradeship unite in a bond eternal; the fellowship of spirit. - My High Quality Lo-Fi Beats - - MushroomCultivation Compendium - - Doing Bulk w/ No PC - more about my music
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mushboy
modboy



Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32,265
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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: Lobi]
#24166545 - 03/16/17 10:07 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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Lobi
Bushido



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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: mushboy]
#24166582 - 03/16/17 10:21 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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PsiloPsychIn
PsiloPsychIn



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Re: READ MY RAMBLINGS [Re: Lobi]
#24166720 - 03/16/17 11:10 AM (6 years, 10 months ago) |
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Thank you ... I really enjoy thoughtful accounts of how mushrooms can guide us to a healthier higher state of being. Well done mushboy
-------------------- What are they saying? Listen carefully, it might be something you need to hear...
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