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King Cole
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Registered: 03/29/16
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Help!!need an Answer to a life threatening problem.
#24036552 - 01/24/17 04:37 PM (7 years, 6 days ago) |
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I'm not sure if this is the right forum but before I lose my train of thought I must post now. I have had depression for atleast 10 years I am 24. This is not a light depression and I still battle. I have a bad memory in the first place ( I'm slightly fried but still good ) and I litter forgot what true happiness was. In the past year since I have been with my first girlfriend ever whom I love I have experienced happiness, it has not helped that I constantly supress with pills a few times a week sometimes less now. Here is my main thing I want to ask and need amswered. I take pure mdma every month or 2 when I can get it. I got a .3 bag 3 days ago or so. It was laced with meth. I hate meth. I am still high and I tool the shit 3 days ago I am very easily effected by uppers and I free based and snorted half oy bag in one night. My girlfriend had the other half. I tripped hard even harder than regular molly. My girlfriend and I experienced hallucinations we could both see vividly. I had to take work off I hope that's okay I'm just too high. Back to the main point: the mdma wore off and I'm still tripping because meth makes me delusional even after 1 day. It was hard but I went through a crash. My trip was very expresfull though not delightful and I've come to an awesome conclusion I do not want to do hard drugs and in my high I did not crave weed or pills oranything. Even right now on day 3 as I write this. It was not a crash I am still high but I did "crash" like have the feeling. I currently am truly happy with no cravings I have never felt this but am I just high on meth? I would like to be sober so bad and then I would know if I still have the depression. But right now I am truly enjoyi ng life and tearing while typing. When I'm not highhopefully soon the weight of depression will come and I thrive in darkness I like to succomb to it but I need to be a better person. I am so selfish. Will I choose to go back to that comfortable nothing of a life? I guess I'll know how I feel after I crash I don't know but I guess pray for me my name is shane. Anybody who understands this post please leave advise as well
Edited by King Cole (01/24/17 05:06 PM)
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King Cole
Rookie



Registered: 03/29/16
Posts: 116
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I have good reasons to be depressed I'm 24 and done almost 5 total years prison time and I'm not even a bad person. My dad died when I was in the joint and they didn't even let me go to his funeral. How do I not let these things seem like a good reason to have pity? Sorry for the sob story guys I usually do no express myself I've been mega venting to my girl but also need outside opinions
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King Cole
Rookie



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And the prison time made me out of the loop with society I cannot conneCT with most people and makes me hate strangers this makes it hard to keep a job but I do its just hard and people think I'm wierd
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King Cole
Rookie



Registered: 03/29/16
Posts: 116
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I am a Capricorn if that helps some people with great knowlage on here
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King Cole
Rookie



Registered: 03/29/16
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I also wonder if this is nonsense
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King Cole
Rookie



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I am way too high rn I took half a xanex and did not help at all! I need sleep I need to be my normal self. I hope o retain these feelings though? Also need help with suggestions for crash in I have to work tommorow I'm so high anxiety!
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King Cole
Rookie



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Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
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And I can't stop crying I hate this. I know I'm being annoying at this point but u need to do something besides think!
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance



Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Hey man, I understand. Sometimes the weight of the world is comforting.. It has a pleasure of its own, right? If you want to go back into the darkness, nobody is going to try and stop you. Eventually you will tire of it and be interested in experiencing other states.
I went through something similar.. a very very long and hard depression. You have good things going for you though.. I wish I had a girlfriend supporting me when I was going through that.
Your life may be comfortable in one way, but in most ways probably not.. I know that feeling though, hating to feel sober at all.. taking comfort in getting high because you don't feel good in pretty much any social situation, or even being alone with your thoughts.
It's all good. You do what you need to do. No rush. If you really want to find your happiness again, I suggest reading a few spiritual books - whatever looks cool to you.. judge it by it's title, cover art, whatever - whatever speaks to you. Find a "teacher" that you vibe with. I used to really like Terrence Mckenna but that's just me.
I'm not going to tell you to get off drugs because it seems like you may just really need them right now, until you don't. My only advice regarding that is: When you crash hard, and feel really shitty, it's a really bad idea to remedy that with more drugs... my suggestion is to make a commitment to only do them when you already feel good - it sounds paradoxical but there's good wisdom behind it.
That is truly awful about your dad. I'm sorry to hear that, I can't imagine how hard that must be. Do you have other family left that love you?
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Edited by EternalCowabunga (01/24/17 08:10 PM)
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DoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body



Registered: 02/25/05
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Hey K.C. Also totally understandable to feel off now around people who have been free so to speak, their whole lives. It does make you feel different. Hope that feeling wears off soon, and it will if you focus on not doing anything that criminals do, and trying to just go straighter and narrower, at least a little, than what you have been. That's going to be a big part of everything. How long have you been out?
-------------------- This was an experiment.
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King Cole
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Hey guys I just woke up. In time for work and everything and I'm not too tired and I can't think very straight and still kind of feel Wierd but I think every thing Will work out for me in time, thank you guys for your posts and advise. Wish me luck but I do have a greater since of well being at this sober moment waking up was not so scary as I thought.
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King Cole
Rookie



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I've been out for almost 4 years now
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King Cole
Rookie



Registered: 03/29/16
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As for finding a good book I do love God but his scipt is taken so many ways in my mind I should find a book besides the bible that can get to a more spiritual point without the bible lingo. I read a book in prison once called the tao of pooh. Like winnie the pooh with taoism principles explained, I would like to find a book like that again
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King Cole
Rookie



Registered: 03/29/16
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Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
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Sorry if I didn't reply to each question yet but got to run to work now, again thank you guys
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Lucis
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
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Re: Help!!need an Answer to a life threatening problem. [Re: King Cole] 1
#24038082 - 01/25/17 09:00 AM (7 years, 5 days ago) |
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You should quit taking drugs until you're in a headspace which will allow you to do so without any worries. I don't think most drugs are bad, but I think that there are points in our lives where some substances have more of a negative impact on us, even if we don't think they will, they often bring out negative things we might not even realize we're feeling. You might be at a place in your life and think you're happy, take a substance, then realize you're not happy at all because those substances broke the barriers down which you had in place around your true feelings. This is why it's best to probably stick to very limited use until everything in your life is satisfactory, it will help, otherwise you're just abusing something. You have to work for your happiness, you're not going to find it in a pill.
I don't know man.
MDMA can be very taxing on your mental state, when I would take it when I was a teenager I was all good, recovered fairly quickly after each dose, but when I took later in life, I was a wreck for much longer afterwards, felt like crying sometimes for no reason, of course I was abusing multiple drugs at once during that point of my life, so that might have had something to do with it.
Anyway, MDMA/meth, that's like a double whammy for your brain.
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance



Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Quote:
King Cole said: As for finding a good book I do love God but his scipt is taken so many ways in my mind I should find a book besides the bible that can get to a more spiritual point without the bible lingo. I read a book in prison once called the tao of pooh. Like winnie the pooh with taoism principles explained, I would like to find a book like that again
Tao of pooh is a great book - the author made a sequal called "the Tao of Piglet" which is also quite good!
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,658
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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To endure oneself may be the mightiest task. I too struggled with some hard drugs, namely narcotics. They were my "Ring" ... (lord of the rings). Only through the countless obvious realizations of the day to day life cycle of one such as that convinced me that it was actually fool's gold in disguise and I had basically fallen under what I can only refer to as something akin to a spell.
Even when I stopped and went through withdrawals and got physically better - months later I would have cravings so badly that it would drain me of my energy and be like the Siren Song...calling me, but I knew better than to fall for the trick - yet it still occurred... ensuing depression from this, combined with years of wasted time and potential and many lost friends and family while I was in a stupor - good and bad - all came to haunt me, or rather teach me under the guise of "the struggle".
The cravings lingered on - then I learned about and began looking at studies from the 50s,60s,70s and today that experimented with Mushrooms and I eventually grew my own and found a hobby, knowlegde, and and and ! found complete mental release from all cravings for about 2-4 weeks after one single dose! (after testing for allergy and becoming familiar with its effects in a controlled set and setting of course)... sure tripping is wonderful and can be rejuvenating and mystical in its own right - and that is all good, but regardless of that the main thing was to somehow heal myself of craving something I knew to be harmful to myself - drugs or anything else for that matter...for which I can say it truly, yes truly worked for me...and the lessons during the trip, combined with its unique craving destroying properties on my own physical organism have left me speechless. By all accounts of experts they had told me I had a 1% chance to live and to stay sober, but here I am years later.
This is just my own experience and I only delved deeply into it after I had been abstinent for about half a year and still found that even though things in life were just as they were - and by all means I have an extraordinarily blessed life on all levels - the damn mental/physical craving what have you kept me from being able to use my wonderful mind to advance the greater good of men (study higher education, be more selfless with my time, etc etc)... until I met the fungus which lives amungus... haven't looked back since - no point - nothing back there but here. Since then I have traveled, developed my own practice of peace and learned the practice and disciplines and morality of other mystics and men of good virtue and wisdom in this world... and all together I can say that today I am just another man living the dream - the good, the bad , and the in between.
May this contribute to the awakening of the pure mind of all beings
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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I 'realized' how bad smoking is and how much I need to get away from it during a mushroom trip. Come to find out later John Hopkins is doing experiments on exactly that. It faded over time and I still smoke but if I had a sufficient supply of mushrooms I could break the cycle of smoking and finally get rid of it for good. Mushrooms are a blessing, it's a shame they're so hard to get.
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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King Cole
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Hey hey, I'm a big LOTR fan too. That's a cool way to think of things too, makes the struggle seem more like an adventure. Today is 2 days since the end of my posted "trip" and I still retain the happiness I found in my trip I just keep it going by staying busy. Threw out all my chemical pipes and shit to make it hard for myself if I do feel that way again, but even if I do fall back into a negative pattern atleast I know I have the capacity to feel better. I still have social awkwardness, that did not go away magically, but I could make this the first steps into a wonderfull life. I knew I would fund like-minded individuals on here, you guys are great, thank you
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Duncan Rowhl
Fiducia Christum



Registered: 10/08/12
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Quote:
Amanita86 said: I 'realized' how bad smoking is and how much I need to get away from it during a mushroom trip. Come to find out later John Hopkins is doing experiments on exactly that. It faded over time and I still smoke but if I had a sufficient supply of mushrooms I could break the cycle of smoking and finally get rid of it for good. Mushrooms are a blessing, it's a shame they're so hard to get.
Use of mushrooms (truffles specifically), made me actually view my body as a vessel separate from me as a spirit and I actually felt pity for the harm I was causing it.
It was carrying me, looking after me, but in return, I was damaging it.
I carried this feeling every day and cut down and eventually stopped smoking.
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,658
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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Keep it up King Cole. Good for you buddy. To better yourself and free yourself from the grip of that deceptive stuff is a type of Trip in its own right. I know it can get difficult, frustrating, and at times lonely. No one to hold our hand through the midst of the night, but that is why we have 2 hands.
What Duncan said I applaud, because that is spot on to what I feel and perceive with myself as well.
Why harm that which holds me so dearly? Do not fall for the trick - Its easily recognized for what it is because it is always the same thing, over and over! You got this man, PM me if your struggling - I may not be the wisest man but I know how to listen if you need to vent.
Peace
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
Edited by The Blind Ass (01/26/17 07:14 PM)
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mitmitice1
Stranger
Registered: 07/05/16
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I THINK you aRE HAPPY. cosue u got GF>u have love> means u have evrythng. the Q is if she love you too. u doing drugs with her and stuff. sounds great. maybe you are not deprresed(have depression more then 10 yers im 23). i realised im just low person. some ppl are naturally high and some are naturally low. if u dont think about sucide and self distruction you are ok. u are just low. u got ur GF to get you high of life. peace
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King Cole
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Thanks man. Everybody's feedback and advise is great. I'm still doing well overall since then I've been keeping busy and I'm suprized that I'm keeping a calm state of mInd, urges aren't unmanageable I've just been smoking tree and no problems I even would like to cut that out for fun if I can, all this detoxing feels great
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King Cole
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I do (did?) Have that level of depression I'm thinking it has recently lifted but untill this recent experiance I did very often think of suicide and negative thought loops constantly. The pills and what I mentioned isnt nearly the depth of my addiction It was only this past year did I stop using herion and went back to pills. Yes I am not as depressed now amd I think I've been coming up out of this depression for a year now bUT something about this trip was breakthrough
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The Blind Ass
Bodhi



Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,658
Loc: The Primordial Mind
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One ring to rule them all! Dont put it on - and you win all along! Your doing great man. In a couple of weeks or months this whole phase of your life will seem like a dream and you will look back and laugh like a mad man! Great going!!! Your going somewhere buddy, just keep going. Pills, heroin, all that stuff that holds us back - all that hate shit , let it go and fly baby.
Fuck the depression - your a human being and you have been through things in life - BUT - Your a HUMAN BEING and have the resiliency of fire - you will rise again like a phoenix from its own ashes.
And now those things go through you! Your the King, King Cole. Temptations may come and go but you will know who you are by standing still amungst their comings and goings. Bless you man.
-------------------- Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps
Edited by The Blind Ass (01/28/17 11:11 PM)
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