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Anonymous #1

questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution...
    #24018168 - 01/17/17 06:46 PM (7 years, 13 days ago)

Sexual abuse victim here, abandoned, faking my way through life now suicidal. Can mdma heal? What's protocol for using it to get through very tough engrained layers of self hatred and denial? It's for me I've tripped enough to know nothing will be removed just refiled.


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24018900 - 01/18/17 12:30 AM (7 years, 12 days ago)

First of all I feel and understand you, I was sexually abused also. Brutally. I think my shoulder is still a little collapsed-ish or damaged from it, always had this bad neck and posture from where he pulled it back, and weird pains in my gut from where he forced his fingers down into my belly button. I'm not sure how often it happened.

So, this is interesting

http://wildtruth.net/the-toxic-mind-the-biology-of-mental-illness-and-violence-a-brief-critique-of-e-van-winkles-hypothesis/

The brain and body can have stored emotion, resulting in toxicity and mental health issues, such as your depression.

Dealing with your repressed anger and hatred and guilt, all of which wouldn't have been processed properly at the time of the trauma(s), that is to say, you wouldn't have cried hard enough, yelled loud enough, etc. for what was happening to you and your psyche never really processed the event.

These are disgusting horrors, but we must deal with them if we are to feel alive, if we are to come into our potential, which we must do - what we can be, we must be.

Take MDMA and surrender, surrender, surrender. Calming or beautiful or music to your taste . . .

Don't do it too often or you'll fry the brain. MDMA = bad for brain.


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: beforethedawn]
    #24019300 - 01/18/17 08:00 AM (7 years, 12 days ago)

That seems logical and makes sense. I stopped tripping because I don't have any apt sitters around me and my trips are usually dark and there is a lot of fear due to feelings of being trapped or unable to move to run or fight back, also being scary because I'm alone and no one is around me. The music is a good suggestion.

Have you healed any of the hurts you're mentioning? Via tripping?


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24019942 - 01/18/17 01:08 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

Mushrooms certainly helped me. I lay there psychotically angry at my leisure (haha... which is to say, I had total control) in bed for an hour or more.

Didn't act it out, the mushroom just cleansed it like it was an energetic wound on the soul.

Do a low dose, evocative music, and simply focus on the body and what it wants to do when the mushrooms hit.

Start meditating now actually, because a still mind on shrooms is very powerful . . .


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: beforethedawn]
    #24020068 - 01/18/17 01:51 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

I will try it... again. Angry at your leisure?

I have about a gram and might just split that. I wanted to kill people today and myself. Not being able to escape life sucks. The feeling of stuckness was intense.

The body wants to shake and cry.


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24020288 - 01/18/17 02:58 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

I mean it was under perfect control. The whole body got angry, and smoothly, not just the mind.


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24020311 - 01/18/17 03:02 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

Hey if you're ever going to harm someone else STOP and think about what you know about prison.

Fuck that shit.

If you feel yourself turning homocidal, literally, like it's about to spill out of fantasy into real acts, tell a doctor or call the Police.

Your life is completely over if you kill someone.

Whereas if you get yourself through this sensibly, you'll find a whole new field of life.


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: beforethedawn]
    #24022910 - 01/19/17 01:09 PM (7 years, 11 days ago)

I talked about my feelings in anger management last night. I spoke about wanting to commit suicide and shit. This guy shared about how his wife had committed suicide. It didn't offer much. I'm pretty bricked in with my feelings right now and can't fucking breathe hardly and two hours a week of honest sharing isn't shit. I also left work today after confiding in a manager, who's also an ex girlfriend after she said how people were getting scared of me. I fought with her for a good thirty minutes because I work a shitty job but i do the work, but because I don't walk around smiling like a fucking idiot that I make people uncomfortable. I'm ashamed of my job and I feel trapped there. It's my childhood all over again and maybe that's what hell I'm comfortable in. I ended up crying for thirty minutes then all the way home. I hate myself and life and fear tripping alone anymore because I really feel that despair and loneliness and hear my desperate thinking trying to cover it all up and make my life seem bearable when it really isn't anymore.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
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Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24023031 - 01/19/17 02:05 PM (7 years, 11 days ago)

Hey hope you do well .  Have ya tried cactus?  I highly recommend you try a foot & a half, or 2ft of so regular San Pedro.  Such a warm and homey feeling ime.  If you're already considering continuing with shrooms or mdma, there is nothing wrong with my suggestion. 
About your job.... Man stretch yourself. Leave. And while you're there remember. Your coworkers are people too with their own problems.  They may not be felt or be as tough as yours right now..... But just remember.  I get that you don't want to fake smile or gossip.  That crap is tough some days for me too.... But yes you should get yourself a new job. Good luck.  Don't give up man. (You are a "he" correct?)


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This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #24025338 - 01/20/17 11:15 AM (7 years, 10 days ago)

Yes I'm a he lol.


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #24028323 - 01/21/17 02:15 PM (7 years, 9 days ago)

and I would love to be in an area where I could do these ceremonies with people or sitters that aren't just in it for the drugs. IF I found that, I would have found something special.

My ego isn't even letting me microdose right now! I'm so terrified of feeling or being conscious of more than I can handle, etc. Does that seem like a legitimate concern? The more I realize, the more painful my life seems to be. The truth truly does hurt :frown:

I don't mean to be a bitch about it. It's definitely not easy to realize so much. Death is the big one for me. The realization that I cannot go back, and I cannot someone redo or undo anything that has already happened.


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OfflineLucisM
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24028709 - 01/21/17 05:19 PM (7 years, 9 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:


I don't mean to be a bitch about it. It's definitely not easy to realize so much. Death is the big one for me. The realization that I cannot go back, and I cannot someone redo or undo anything that has already happened.






That's not being a bitch about anything, I really wish people would refrain from thinking that to have human emotions, means you're being a bitch, because that just seems a bit harsh.

You can't change the past, but you can create a brighter future, you have to learn to let go, otherwise you will have no future.

You should post more on here, get it out, take up the arts, exercise, do those things to help you deal with what you're going through.


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©️


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
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Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Lucis]
    #24028789 - 01/21/17 05:44 PM (7 years, 9 days ago)

^^^^ I agree, humans have these feelings and as a man you're totally allowed to feel any emotion even strongly and not be labeled a bitch.  Anyone who says you're a bitch fer yer feelings, is full of shit man.... We ALL have our down times.... Everyone is brought to their knees or has the rug yanked out from under ..... It builds character.... Yeah it hurts like hell but you are growing stronger at the time... Anyone immature enough to not understand this isn't worth hanging with. Yet.  They'll learn when their rug is yanked out.  And yes you'll feel those feelings stronger with mushroom and it is hard sometimes, but DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ever, just hang on for this ride that is life, and pay close attention, very close, and notice the signs, placed there just for you if you wanna believe that.  Take care,


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This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #24066512 - 02/05/17 02:20 AM (6 years, 11 months ago)

So I did the session. I feel like shit... Or full of dread. I re experienced the abuse but instead of my father it was this girl I have been sleeping with. She was on top of me and I kept flexing and tensing my body. I was angry and trying to keep her out but it wasn't getting her off of me. I felt pinned and like I had to endure it. I felt impotent. It was awful. I couldn't cry much. I was more angry at my sitters. I felt like life is just a bunch of confusion and hurt that we absorb and eventually die. I feel like I'm doing this all wrong. I feel guilty... I just want to be at ease and stop being so angry at the world.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body
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Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country Flag
Last seen: 12 days, 1 hour
Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24067695 - 02/05/17 02:18 PM (6 years, 11 months ago)

Do you keep yourself busy in general or do you find you spend a lot of time idle?


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This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: questions about mdma or any other for trauma resolution... [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #24068996 - 02/06/17 02:02 AM (6 years, 11 months ago)

I've been trying to get back into cycling and the gym more. I feel better if I cycle for at least an hour a day. My motivation just seems to be completely depleted. I can't find the reason for anything. It feels like Catatonia. I still play guitar some and draw. Dark thoughts are always creeping in making my perspective really bleak. Have also been considering disability which has me really depressed.


Edited by Anonymous (02/06/17 02:07 AM)


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