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OfflineLoneLobo
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A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms
    #24011501 - 01/15/17 08:41 AM (7 years, 15 days ago)

What follows is a true account of one of the most bizarre experiences of my entire life. A revealing experience which I endured on my own no more than 12 hours ago, the truth of which I must struggle with and come to grips and solution with in the coming days and weeks and months and years. I fear that my "psychedelic career" might be at its end. But is it perhaps possible that it is this very fear which has caused this entire endeavor in the first place?

Allow me to explain.

Since February 2016, I have been using psilocybin mushrooms to treat manic depression and suicidal impulses which were the result of a very messy breakup. This has equated to the ingestion of approximately 3g to 6g (dried weight) 3-4 times per month. Essentially every Saturday. This became a routine - I write this word and immediately realize it is not right. It became a ritual. My sanctum. My church. It actually crystallized in my mind that I was attending the Church of Mushroom every weekend.

My trips were incredible. Thought provoking, fulfilling, enticing, alluring, mystical and spiritual. With my BEATS headphones, I'd perform concerts in front of my mirror, feeling energy and power coursing through every vein and orifice. I consumed film after film after film, going on incredible journeys while watching The Empire Strikes Back, Fantasia, Lord of the Rings, and so many others.

The effects of this experiment (which is how I looked upon the entire thing) began to spill over into my every day life (I work in production as a camera operator and video editor). Morning drives to work became more and more beautiful. Where I used to find boredom in the mundane of existence I found moments of spatial awareness of the simplistic perfection of our world and its design. I moved from eating fast food crap and consuming alcohol like a fiend to running several miles per week and doing yoga every night. I found myself engaging in discourse with my co-workers on matters of metaphysical and meta-spiritual importance. They debated for the coolness of popular media, films and why the robbery of Kim Kardashian was a subject worthy of discussion, while I hit back on why none of that was important and all that truly matters is self-experience. Quoting McKenna almost verbatim, I explained why the happenings in the life of Kanye West were so much less important than our own loves, hates, desires, wants, orgasms, physical and spiritual pleasures and discoveries. They saw me as an outsider - a new age hippie spouting rhetoric like the ghost of Leary come back to haunt this new world.

An increase in internal dialogue also occurred. So much so that it began to spill out into every day life. It is possible that, at this point, I could actually be fully diagnosed as schizophrenic. I have full conversations with myself on a regular basis. Without my knowledge or understanding, this spilled into my work life, as my co-workers began to notice me talking to myself more and more. It should be noted that a video editor talking to himself while working is not "that" strange, as the work is basically constructing storylines from video and audio. Still, it is of note that my back-and-forth within my own mind increased drastically.

This also led to a deeper delving into what are widely known as "conspiracy theories." As I spun my psychedelic spider web wider and wider, from pillar to post, I also became more and more susceptible to theories and ideas regarding the world in which we live. These theories and ideas are not good. Call them what you want. Illuminati. The all seeing eye. Eugenics. Feminism. Satan worship. MK Ultra Mind Control. My descent into the study of these subjects ran in synchronicity with my continued usage of psilocybin mushrooms on a regular basis. As I continued to try and engage in discussion regarding these subjects with my closest friends, they noticed that I had become easily suggestible to what they, and most others, would consider to be outlandish and wild ideas.

All of this research and exposure to these conspiratorial ideas served to push me further and further away from reality. This I knew as it was happening. It was so very clear that it could not be any other way. But where the confusion lay was in the space between the concepts, and the question which this spacing requested answering: is the psilocybin causing me to be more gullible and believe in more outlandish ideas, OR, is the psilocybin breaking down the walls of programming which were installed from the endless brainwashing and propaganda which I have been exposed to since birth and revealing to me the truth? This confusion - this question of the reality of my existence - is one which I am still grappling with as I write this story. It is one which, I truly believe, I will never get the answer to (do not attempt to answer it for me, this will be folly, I assure you).

We move forward in time. Approximately nine months into this experimentation. A strange occurrence takes place. I take my dosage of mushrooms, the usual tension and energy spike and slight bit of nausea occurs - everything going as planned. But then, at the moment when the breakthrough into the "shroom zone" should occur... it doesn't. I find myself lucid, with all of the visuals of the psychedelic trip occurring within my field of vision, but none of what I refer to as the "head-space," or what I have heard other people refer to as "mindfuck." I am completely sober, but my vision is tripping.

Needless to say, this was a very frustrating and uncomfortable situation in which to find oneself. I had regarded the mushroom experience as my religion - now it seemed I had been locked outside the doors of the church, holding my jacket closely in the harsh billowing of the biting, cold breeze. There was a period where I considered perhaps that my shrooms were of weak potency - but several trips with a friend on the same batch proved otherwise. I purchased an eighth from a friend of some very "potent shit", to act as a test, and experienced the same problem after taking them. Within a three month time frame, while attempting to trip nearly every week, only two "real trips" took place:

The first was achieved after a 3 week break. 3.5g was ingested, with the same result as noted above (visuals = check / mindfuck = no check). Another 3g was then ingested, which heightened visuals and achieved some mindfuck. Another 3g was then ingested, and this achieved a full trip. This lasted a shorter duration than what I was used to, and the intensity seemed to die very quickly after the peak. This is the last "good trip" that I have had.

The second occurred on Christmas Eve. Determined to have an "intense trip," I was again disappointed with my initial dosage of 3.5g dried. All said and done, I ended up ingesting more than 20g of dried Cubensis. At the time I was convinced that these shrooms were of a weak potency due to a poor drying method. My good friend and old tripping partner denied these claims after trying them, stating they were of a very good potency - in my delusional state, I had decided not to believe him under the pretense that he was lying to himself and to me about the strength of the trip. My reasons for believing he would be lying to himself would take another entire story to explain, but trust me, they are valid. In this case, however, I was incredibly wrong.

An instance occurred after ingesting this 20g+ of mushrooms which I would rather not explain in detail. To make a long and arduous story short, I completely lost my mind. It was no less than a total breakdown of my logic facilities. I was still essentially "sober." But in an anxiety-ridden, maddeningly paranoid state, I truly believed that I was set to die that night. That I had discovered a terrible secret, and that "they" knew that I had discovered it and would be coming to end my life. This paranoid, hypnotic trance lasted until 4am in the morning (starting around 11pm). It was, truly, the most traumatic experience of my entire life. I literally found myself reasoning with God, reasoning with my self, reasoning with the universe, and ultimately accepting my fate, which would be death.


Now, at this point in the story, one would probably believe that the author would put down the scale and grinder and take a step back from the psychedelic experience. That one would see the potential for mental harm that could be taking place here and back away with arms up in surrender position.

But one would not.

Two more attempts to enter the Psychedelic realm (New Year's Eve and last weekend) were made, both of which were deemed "failures." Both times, at the breaking point, one found himself with the visual enhancements, but none of the mental mindfuck. Both times, one ingested only 3.5g. It was decided that the route to take was to ingest what McKenna described as the "heroic dose" - 5g dried. An initial dosage I had never attempted before.

Last night, I ate 5g dried and ground Cubensis mixed in orange juice. I lay down and put on a movie, trying to lure myself into a trance, allowing the psilocybin to work its magic through my brain.

The shrooms began to consume me - my vision getting foggier and cloudier, but my mental state remaining essentially the same. Anxiety coursed through my veins. I went from watching a movie to listening to music to listening to 432hz meditation tones. Finally, I resigned to doing some yoga, to try and will the shroom experience into being. This is when things got very strange.

While standing to turn on my speaker, I saw something. A fractal. More than one fractal, but several fractals - spinning effortlessly on my tiled floor. A sign. It appeared in my vision and mind as a kind of a gateway. A literal "rabbit hole." For a moment, I could feel my mind leaning toward the rabbit hole. I could feel my world spinning into absolute madness of shapes and colors and something truly uncontrollable.

At that moment my ego took over and I turned away from the fractals, pulled my attention back to the speaker I had been fiddling with. In seconds I realized I had made a mistake. I tried to look back to where the fractals had formed, but alas, they had gone. My mind returned back to its relatively sober state. The rabbit hole had closed. I found myself frustrated that I had missed it, that I had not followed that path down into the depths of the experience.

The trip never took hold of my conscious mind. Yet it was as if I could "feel" it happening within another part of me. And the vision of the rabbit hole, opening and then closing on me, suggested to me that it WAS in fact happening, but on a mental level which I was not being given access to. I was tripping, but I was not tripping. The visual effects began to bleed over into reality, things became more stark and colorful and contrasted and obscene, but then, with a matter of simply thinking about the whole thing hard enough, I could make most of those effects completely disappear. Only when I would begin to relax and smoke some cannabis would the effects begin to return. All of this occurring within a basically sober mind.

It was at this moment that it occurred to me. A terrifying revelation.

The repeated usage of psilocybin has turned me into a schizophrenic. By this, I mean that my mind has been split into compartments. How many compartments I cannot be sure - but it may be more than two. And with this compartmentalization, my mind is actually able to take the psychedelic effects of the experience and put them into this "other" mind. This is why I am unable to experience the psychedelic experience anymore. Because I am experiencing it. But not the conscious me. An unconscious me.

This could be too bizarre to be true though, right?

The other possibilities which have come to my mind: perhaps my brain has created a unique resistance to psilocybin. Ingestion of these amounts at this rate for this duration of time is not readily documented anywhere that I have found. Therefore I have no base of knowledge or external experience from which to draw from. It makes sense that the human body would try to protect itself from what it deems as an invasive and troubling chemical. The fact that it is able to completely block out the psychedelic experience, putting it in another part of the brain where the conscious mind cannot access it, is truly remarkable.


Is this possible? Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this?


--------------------
"You are here for a reason. A purpose. You know this. You have always known."


Edited by LoneLobo (01/15/17 08:54 AM)


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Offlineimpaired420
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: LoneLobo]
    #24011641 - 01/15/17 09:45 AM (7 years, 15 days ago)

Tolerance tolerance tolerance.
Even ingesting mushrooms every two weeks for a few months started getting pretty uncomfortable and not as fulfilling.

You need a break, more time between doses, not bigger doses.
You may have very well brought up some schizophrenic tendencies through abusing the mushroom.


--------------------
"Our task must be to free ourselves...
By widening our circle of compassion,
To embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." -Albert Einstein


Offering salvia divinorum clones, leaf, and extracts for trades legal states.


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Registered: 08/16/16
Posts: 26,658
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: impaired420]
    #24011762 - 01/15/17 10:17 AM (7 years, 15 days ago)

Devil's flesh? interestingly put.  Easily you are tripping far to much for your own good.  As good as it may seem you have developed a natural tolerance and are pushing your mental limits far to much from what it seems you may be actually chasing the high...which is an abuse frankly and never ever ends well.  This is just what happens when mammals ingest exogenous substances and chemicals to much and in too large of doses without allowing for time and reintegration/re-calibrate your system.

I understand it has done you some good?  Yes, but now its time to take a look at what you have written with fresh eyes and see you were becoming deranged through abuse - suggestibility and gullibility and buying into outlandish ideas and grand conspiracy theories is for the babes - how our world works can only be put into story to tell a side of truth, but not the truth so to speak.

Psychedelics can help break down barriers and temporarily open the reducing valve known as "normal consciousness" - but if you simply rip the veil back over and over again the drapes are going to need to be replaced and frankly you may not be able to replace them ( since we are talking about a human organism and the brain and mind) .  So please for your own good find a more responsible way of respecting your relationship with the fungi.  Or end it.

Take 6 months off would be my humble opinion, than see if the fruits of your experiences are truly good or not in "normal" (sober, or basically sober) life. 


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


Edited by The Blind Ass (01/15/17 11:16 AM)


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Invisiblemultiporpoise
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #24011863 - 01/15/17 10:52 AM (7 years, 15 days ago)

When you get the message, hang up the phone.

Tripping once every week is too much.  You say that psilocybin has allowed you to become a better person, but you're reshuffling your neural connections too much to put any of those beneficial thoughts into place.  Give it an extended break (like a year), and I'll bet you will find the magic has returned.  The more spaced out your usage is, the more meaningful it will be.


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InvisibleThe Blind Ass
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: multiporpoise]
    #24011927 - 01/15/17 11:18 AM (7 years, 15 days ago)

Quote:

multiporpoise said:
When you get the message, hang up the phone.

Tripping once every week is too much.  You say that psilocybin has allowed you to become a better person, but you're reshuffling your neural connections too much to put any of those beneficial thoughts into place.  Give it an extended break (like a year), and I'll bet you will find the magic has returned.  The more spaced out your usage is, the more meaningful it will be.




:thumbup:


--------------------
Give me Liberty caps -or- give me Death caps


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OfflineLoneLobo
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: The Blind Ass]
    #24013574 - 01/16/17 01:03 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

Thank you for your responses.

However, I do not believe this is simply a matter of tolerance.

I have chased the psilocybin high before when attempting to trip multiple days in a row (usually just two). I know what it feels like to eat a considerable amount of mushrooms and still be unable to realize a "full trip" from them because of an increase in tolerance.

This was not the same feeling. Again, it felt as if I was tripping, but that it was happening in another facility of my mind that I could not reach consciously. When I relaxed my mind, I could almost "feel" the psychedelic experience "spilling over" some kind of barrier inside my brain, giving me intense visual invasions, but still maintaining a sober state of mind. This is hard to really explain if you have not experienced it first hand.

This could all be written off as actual mushroom headfuck, and I get that. Kind of a reverse headfuck scenario where I am actually getting headfucked by the psilocybin, and in my headfucked state of mind, I actually believe that I'm sober and unable to get headfucked. This is called a loop, which is very common on mushroom trips. This actually did occur to me during the trip, and led me to believe it was possible that my own active ego-driven, conscious mind was blocking out the psychedelic experience.

And all of this would be perfectly acceptable to me if not for the instance of the rabbit hole which appeared before me. A moment when a kind of "portal" was opened and offered to me. And all I had to do was continue to focus my gaze on the portal, and it would have certainly taken me into an insane "heroic dose" trip which 5g of these very potent shrooms should have done. And the unshakeable feeling, after missing my chance to go down the rabbit hole, that the experience WAS taking place, that in fact the party was going down, just not in the part of my brain in which I was currently inhabiting.

Again, this might sound like total bullshit, but unless you've experienced this exact thing, then you will not understand. I don't think it happens to everyone. Perhaps only those who are more mentally inclined to schizophrenia. For a while, it seemed only to be pushing my schizophrenia to the forefront (causing more internal/external dialogue). At this time, all of that has essentially stopped. I am less in my head and talk to myself less and less. This decline in schizophrenic behavior has run in opposite conjunction with the rise in these "failed" psychedelic trips. This leads me to hypothesize that my "other mind," or my schizophrenic other half, has recessed back into another part of my mind. And it is this half of me which experiences the trip, the headfuck, allowing me to continue to operate as a "sober person." A kind of defense mechanism (which, if you've studied MK Ultra programming at all, is essentially how mind-splitting works).

Again, I realize all of this sounds absolutely insane.

I'm still in positive spirits that I'm completely wrong. That the year of continued mushroom use has just twisted my mind up like a circling vine, and that after a few months of abstinence I will return back to my normal straight-state of things.

But I posted this here because I wanted to see if anyone else had been through this, or something similar. Surely I cannot be the only one.


--------------------
"You are here for a reason. A purpose. You know this. You have always known."


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Offlinegermanauslander
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Registered: 11/06/16
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: LoneLobo]
    #24013643 - 01/16/17 02:00 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

I think it's tolerance too. Every weekend, like going to church sounds like a lot. And most people after a strong trip feel the need to reflect on what they learned for weeks/ months after the trip.

If you made the Routine of doing it every weekend, I think maybe you are missing out on the reflection part where you take time to ponder what you learned from your last trip :smile:


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OfflineSpaceDawg
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Registered: 09/01/14
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Re: A Dance with the Devil's Flesh - My Story so Far with Psilocybin Mushrooms [Re: germanauslander]
    #24013877 - 01/16/17 07:10 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

Tolerance. And you probably are experiencing a psychotic or schitzo break. You need time to intergrate.


--------------------
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.


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