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Vismis
Stranger Danger


Registered: 09/21/16
Posts: 7
Loc: AK
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story)
#23997339 - 01/10/17 05:25 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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I'll start this off with I've never posted on any forum ever in my life but this seems important enough to stop being a PermaLurker. I've always thought i was a war hardened psychonaut until my first experience 4 days ago with DMT. I went into my first DMT experience fully "studied" I watched/listened to everything i could find on DMT for days. Which kinda fucked up my first ego death trial because i did not fully understand what ego death was ,but just enough to make me think what i was experiencing was defiantly not ego death and to fight like fuck not to let myself be cripple my form of ego death ill elaborate on the whole cripple thing later. First off for any newbies out there i would say look up DMT before doing it ,but don't expect anything to brace/help you for your trip/journey or as i like to call it mindfuckcity. All my thoughts of me seeing the universe was beat down swiftly. The first time i smoked that night i was witnessing *to the best i can explain* a film set you would use to shoot a commercial with a black and white checkerboard background. The black was so black it looked like i was looking deep into a abyss. The white was seemingly impossibly polished like it was wet almost. In front of me on a square in the middle of the set were black and white "people" they all were very *beautiful* ladies(i subbed out hot i don't want "them" to be mad at me) all in different poses nobody was just standing like normal they were with hand jesters telling me i needed to come over to them..... i thought it meant they wanted me to smoke more DMT. They all had Cheshire cat smiles that ever so slightly curled in on themselves. There smiles so creepy my instant thought was to match the creepy and smile as big as I've probably ever smiled in my life. Instant waves of good feels run over my body i get a feeling that a flack jacket of weight was removed from my chest from invisible arms and just like that my horrible anxiety I've had my entire life just left me. Then i instantly go further down the rabbit hole to the most beautiful ordinary white house green lawn white picket fences type place. Im witnessing this from three different perspectives at once though. One from my "being" looking at a picture on a "wall" of the house. Then one from right outside the house. Then one from inside the house looking at my "Perfect family of Jesters" It was 4 people 2 male 2 female 2 kids 2 parents They all were "telling me without words" they loved me and accepted me. Then i heard my friend restart the song"comfortably numb" which made my family turn to the noise and hiss them knowing he was breaking the "4thwall"or "spell" they had over me. They returned to smiling and we chilled a bit longer then my trip ended. OK guys don't laugh at me ,but i really thought that was the lesson that was me learning oooo how fucking wrong i was they were just buttering me up for the "main event". They showed me the perfect thing for me to go balls deep and take a massive freaking rip.
IT WAS A TRAP!! :P
So i loaded a monster dmt dab up probably 80mg from my earlier 35mg trip. I used my enail that i HIGHLY recommend not harsh at all took the biggest rip of my life held her in for dear life. Then right when the rabbithole of commercial sets started i forgot i was holding my breath and let out a massive weird noise then through the rabbithole i went!! I Had no time to look at the scenery this time i broke through within 5 seconds. Nothing Terrence Mckenna, Joe rogan, or anyone else had said in my "research" braced me for this. I woke up.... in a hospital room?..... looking down i see my entire body crippled withering away. I was either paralyzed from the neck down or i had serious mental issues in this new way more real world. I see my cousins beside me who had been tripping with me telling me that everything was ok and they did not judge me so I thought i was in the hospital from a DUI crash since i could not remember anything and that i was a vegetable that had been given lots of dmt to give me one last chance to come back to the "fake" real world and accept i was crippled and catatonic ever sense the wreck. Too be clear.. for me.. that was not a option at all. So like i was hit with a jolt of lightning i ripped my eyes open to see myself on the couch i started the trip on. Then i thought i was still cripple and had been pissing myself and sitting in it (i found out later it was just a full cold sweat over my entire body it soaked my clothes and my hair) Then i struggled for 15 minutes trying to fight off the dmt(my crippled life). Every time i started to give up and give in the "effects" would intensify like i was starting to wormhole again. I never gave in i thought dmt was just a figment of my imagination like the rest of the world. That is why i thought everyone's previous experiences i looked up were so different of flying through space talking to gods and shit because i had just made all that up in my coma. So after choosing for 15 minutes straight that i would rather be in a fake world and not be crippled then be in the real world crippled (damn...that just hit me really hard.. never typed that out only i know why,but you could guess) Then i gained my sanity/failed the test/held onto my ego for dear life.
This essay was mainly for me to get this experience off my chest to try and dive straight back into the real "deep end" Can anyone give me some words of encouragement or any advice. This was the most scary thing that had ever happened to me or that i think could happen to me ,but i want to beat my ego evolve to the flower child i really am without all my masks. Really guys how do you not fight and just accept it. Im a "survivor""pussy" and i will fight off with extreme prejudice anything that wants me crippled/dead. Remember in the trip i don't know im tripping.
I just hope you guys can read this wall of not well put together shit and make sense out of it we shall see i guess.
TLDR Mindfucked myself to not death. How do you guys let yourself ego die im scared shitless of trying again and failing again
Edited by Vismis (01/10/17 07:24 AM)
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sprinkles
otd president


Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 21,527
Loc: washington state
Last seen: 3 years, 17 days
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: Vismis]
#23997362 - 01/10/17 05:52 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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word castle.
um we are drug addicts (some of us). and we don't have the attention span for that.
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Vismis
Stranger Danger



Registered: 09/21/16
Posts: 7
Loc: AK
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: sprinkles]
#23997417 - 01/10/17 06:55 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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Yea i know this was mainly just so i could think my trip out really and if anyone is super bored they can read it. Seemed like a waste to delete it i noticed she ran super super long blame that on the 1 hit of Parvati's Tears blotter
-------------------- I'm pretty sure you are all just figments of my imagination
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quoththesloth
I simply am not there.


Registered: 04/14/16
Posts: 118
Loc: Australia
Last seen: 4 years, 9 months
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: Vismis]
#23997464 - 01/10/17 07:26 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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I read it man. Always interesting to hear a new take, especially one that varies from the usual. I'm yet to try DMT but from what I've read (and I'm sure you would have got this impression too from your research) the DMT experience is always completely unpredictable and can be incredibly cryptic. After a trip like that I'd be giving myself a lot of time for analysis to ensure the lesson inside there is fully realised.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
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sprinkles
otd president


Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 21,527
Loc: washington state
Last seen: 3 years, 17 days
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: quoththesloth]
#23997466 - 01/10/17 07:27 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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show off
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voodoochild1000
psychonautic



Registered: 02/04/15
Posts: 2,531
Loc: Cascades!
Last seen: 8 months, 16 days
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: sprinkles]
#23997627 - 01/10/17 09:09 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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I did about 100 milligrams and it absolutely shattered me psychologically. I feel like I was trying to let go again and again but I was just up against this wall of electricity and after a certain amount of time I just couldn't handle it anymore and went into fight mode...
I haven't been able to go back to DMT since that experience
-------------------- ....."So Great!"....-Me on 1.5mg LSD ...."We don't need this" -Larkin in response to my "just picked wild LSD!" post
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Crispykoot
Jello Wrangler



Registered: 10/16/16
Posts: 5,921
Loc:
Last seen: 18 hours, 55 minutes
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: voodoochild1000] 1
#23997661 - 01/10/17 09:25 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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That checkerboard is cool stuff. The one I saw was a sacred geometry mandala of unknown dimensions compised of those black and white squares. Each petal was fully rotating and there was a buddha in each major point. Buddhas had different hand formations...Mudras. That seemed like the door in. I don't remember much past there. Some entities...
LSD might be less confusing..sort of, but the experience of going astral is ego death. Once "you' leave the body, you are the universe. Can be very scary but you get to see your whole life's works before the big death. It's a re birth. It's like "Miracle" by the Grateful Dead. Shades of "Black Peter"...You can bring some realizations back and integrate them into your life. Scared me when it happened. I dosed a LOT and going astral changes a person. Of the hundreds of doses I took, there were only 3 times that this happened. All in the 90's. That's good L. I can't eat LSD like I used to. No need. Life is precious. Be kind.
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Shadowboxing the apocalypse and wandering the land
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Eclipse3130
Servant of the Fungi



Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 6,221
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 2 hours, 12 minutes
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: Crispykoot]
#23998061 - 01/10/17 12:15 PM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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I've also had a similar scary terrifying DMT experience 7 months ago which I haven't been back yet. I think I'm finally ready and recovered from the lesson I learned last time.. I must accept Fear, chose to Love my fear, only then can you surrender.
I was beginning to fly through a giant purple/violet mandala portal with eyes closed that had a million little designs all circling in on each other, and then the intense body sensation triggered my fight or flight response, I chose to fight I lost track of my breathe and heart rate and I was immediately kicked out of the portal and opened my eyes
My entire body exploded, every cell in my body heated up to 10,000 degrees and evaporated into pure utter nothingness of an agonizing hell. My body vaprorized, and was paralyzed as I felt my soul was in a distant dimension being tortured, I stared into the sky saying, this is it I've killed myself. And awaited my return
Sweat poured over my body and I came down, jesus fuck.
I never wanted to do it again, you will learn over time the lessons from that experience, and you will be ready to surrender.
Dont give up
I didn't know I would lose my breathe, and spectate my heartbeat disappear, feels like true death and you can't breathe, you must commit to the journey.
But now I know.
You can never be prepared until you try it, and then you learn how to be.
-------------------- "In The Material World One seeks retirement and grows Old In The Magical World One seeks Enlightenment and grows Wiser In The Miraculous World One seeks nothing and grows Lighter As we all tread the Homeward Path we will explore many Realms And one day... we will all Realize that all experiences are Simply Different ways in which The All-That Is Perceives Itself"
Edited by Eclipse3130 (01/10/17 12:21 PM)
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impaired420
Everything Is Nothing



Registered: 11/10/14
Posts: 1,390
Loc: Somewhere
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Re: I Can't Let My Ego Die (full first trip story) [Re: Eclipse3130]
#23998085 - 01/10/17 12:24 PM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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Can you add some indetions and paragraphs please... I can't read this lmfao.
-------------------- "Our task must be to free ourselves... By widening our circle of compassion, To embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." -Albert Einstein Offering salvia divinorum clones, leaf, and extracts for trades legal states.
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