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innerchild
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Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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my sexual re-engineering experiment 2
#23986378 - 01/06/17 11:51 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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that moment when you decide to portray it. a defining structure for your thoughts, be it a glorious painting, a piece of musical art, or a beautiful display of words. not a state of creating, but of being. it must have been how the world's most treasured things came to be.
this is an oath, a solemn pact, for it is in writing and will from here onwards be publicly proclaimed. to re-engineer my mind.
and these are the steps i shall refer to every single day for the next year, religiously. a reminder and a guide. to read this text every single day. at least once. let this be your story, your reality for the next year. so a daily integration is more than crucial.
1. abstain from all the physical stimuli associated with a certain thought pattern. basically, you’re cutting down on its physical supply. the supply that feeds into an established, dominant, and extremely powerful mode of thinking. deprive yourself of it. 2. forbid yourself of any behavior or context that triggers or further strengthens the existing identity you wish to exchange. 3. go on a total media black out. 4. FORCE YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. 5. feel like a man because you are one and a man has a value beyond what your mind is currently tricking you into believing. 6. remember the lover you once were and that, had it not been for that mental construct- that which you understand will require years to change, would've been an even happier heterosexual relationship. 7. understand what you're missing out on, and visualize it every day. 8. grow the fuck up. 9. stop magnifying the matter and remove that false filter you view your whole world from 10. let the thought and experience of, physical or virtual, any sexual pleasure come from women and women only. 11. do all that you can to feel better about yourself
and, most importantly, have conviction, for it is beyond crucial. attempting a major behavioral/identity change will go nowhere without conviction. so have conviction!
now, for those who are facing similar issues that seem to forever be unresolved, this might come in handy. if you’re gay and think what i’m saying is blasphemous. i apologize. no ifs, buts, or words. i truly apologize. to the ones who want to ridicule me just to feel good about themselves, i pity you, and i beg you to spare me the nothing but very discouraging comments.
i have a small cock. and it's a real tough situation here...
for the very obvious reasons that need no explanation, my mind has a certain guard, beyond its own power and control, that is just there when i’m about to have sex. there’s the obvious worry of ‘what will she think of me’ and the general sense of belittling myself. so it’s just not fun anymore. and it becomes a lingering sense of defeat that is overriding your sexual mind. i find comfort in being naked amongst men who find my other source of sexual pleasure, my ass, desirable. and my small cock ceases to matter. a state of liberation and pleasure otherwise never experienced. but, i want to fall in love with a girl. and i remember how much that used to matter growing up, and how, until today, i recognize that dream i had and still have.
it is the mind.
unravel.
and i believe, and hope, psychedelics become of medicinal importance in general and specific to my venture. i am yet to trip on acid. haven’t exceeded a level 3 shrooms trip. but did plenty of ones and twos. and i am currently paid and registered to an ayahuasca retreat that will cost me an arm and a leg, metaphorically and metaphysically, to travel all the way half around the world for.
and i wonder if it will allow me to accept my CURRENT state of sexual mind, or if it will depollute and purify my mind from all i’ve been allowing to feed it for the past 40 years. well, a little less if you want to remove the phase where the construct of society began to exist. i genuinely dread the the former and i truly hope for the latter.
this is my coming out, for not a single soul (except for the ones i had brief sexual financial interactions with) knows my secret. i wish to keep my identity hidden for it is an identity i strongly believe is temporary and would not want for it to be associated with who i really am, if i prove myself successful in this endeavor. maybe in the future, looking back at this, if i completely manage to rid myself of what i currently perceive as a defected mental construct holding me back from my full potential as a human being, i might decide to reveal my identity.
this is my vow here onwards. to read this every single day, at least once, for the next year. i may or may not post in here but i feel it might be interesting tracking my progress and that writing things down could generally be a nice source of self-therapy. and a documentation of what i believe is the beginning of a deeper relationship with psychedelics.
peace be upon you.
Edited by innerchild (01/09/17 12:17 PM)
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Anonymous #1
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild]
#23986494 - 01/06/17 01:01 PM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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I support you. I am posting anonymously because I am going to tell you of a similar quest I am on this year.
When I was 22 I had my heart broken wide open into a thousand pieces and fell into a deep depression. It didn't help that I lived in an apartment with no windows, so it was even harder for me to get out of bed each day. Many people say when they feel down they drink or eat, but these didn't do it for me. Drinking only numbed the pain and the hangover made it feel worse the next day. Eating has never made me feel better.
What did make me feel better was masturbating. When I reached the point of climax, it felt good, if even for 30 seconds. Who doesn't agree that an orgasm feels good? Anyway, it got to the point where I would masturbate 3-4 times a day, because even though it was only a total of about 2 minutes where I wasn't depressed, when you are feeling that low even 2 minutes helps.
One day while masturbating I got a sharp pain near the base of my penis. I'm not sure why, but I kept going. I managed to abstain for a few days, and went gentle after that, but ever since then I have had erection problems. I, too, get nervous when I'm in an intimate situation with a girl, although for a different reason. Over the years I have reached a point where I am afraid to even ask a girl out because I know she will eventually discover my problem. I haven't had a girlfriend in 11 years now and am quite lonely. I really would like the companionship of a female.
I have read a lot over the last few years about abstaining from masturbation and porn and how it can help guys like me. There is a website with all sorts of info (yourbrainonporn.com). There are guys on there that are much worse off than I am, but the problem is the same. The information on the site reminds me of points 1 and 2 that you mention.
Now I must say, once I completely got over the girl I went back to a normal masturbation schedule of a couple times a week, but the ED problem persisted. The last 2 years I have only been masturbating a handful of times per month, even going 63 days once and 44 days once, and going about 30 days on a few occasions, and have actually noticed that my erections have improved (just like the website says), but I can't help but feel that in order to allow my penis to fully heal I will need to be even more disciplined. It's like spraining your ankle; if you stay off of it for a few weeks it will heal, but if you keep walking on it you will continue to have a sprained ankle. The website is full of testimonials from guys who have succeeded and all of them reiterate that it is very difficult to stay disciplined, but if you are able to, you will find yourself much happier in life. Like you said, it's about re-wiring your brain (and in my case, giving the tissue time to fully repair itself).
I have made it my resolve to avoid masturbation this year as long as it takes until my problem is fixed (even if it's the whole year) and to quit porn for good. After all, kinky porn is not what I want in life; I want a meaningful relationship.
Thanks for starting this thread. I, too, will come back to this thread and read your words often. I wish you luck, and ask that you wish me luck as well.
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innerchild
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23986540 - 01/06/17 01:26 PM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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thank you. i hope your resolve your issue and ultimately lead the life you truly want. would also love to know your progress so please do tell from time to time... will be checking that site, sounds like it'll come in handy
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Anonymous #1
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild]
#23991283 - 01/07/17 11:17 PM (7 years, 23 days ago) |
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I sure will.
Sorry, I had a gig tonight (I play in a band), but I thought I saw that you had updated your progress earlier today and I planned on updating mine when I got back, but now I see that the message is no longer there (I now wonder if it was there at all or if I am just crazy haha). Anyway, I am back!
I will definitely keep you updated on my progress; let's do this together! During my last set tonight I received an unfortunate message that one of my friends passed, and so I will be dealing with that for the next week or so, but trust me, I support you in your journey and I will be using this thread to help me in my journey as well.
I plan on updating you weekly (week 1 went well by the way!), but it may be a week or so before I get back due to the sudden and unfortunate news I received tonight. Peace be with you and with all!
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innerchild
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23991356 - 01/07/17 11:55 PM (7 years, 23 days ago) |
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oh I'm sorry about your loss. may he or she rest in peace. yeah that sounds like a good idea, glad you're going to do so. i wanted to ask, did you ever go to a doctor about your problem? did you consider using pills like viagra or cialis to help you get over this? i have used them a few times and will continue to use them until i am over mine. i remember when I last had a girlfriend, I had to take pills the first few times until I got over my size and until I got comfortable with her. you know what the crazy thing is? she came every time we had sex, and i gave her a vaginal orgasm once for the first time, yet i disregard these events and still have it imprinted on my mind that i am no good in sex. and no you're not crazy. i had updated it and then decided to delete it.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild]
#23991469 - 01/08/17 01:17 AM (7 years, 22 days ago) |
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Quote:
innerchild said: 1. abstain from all the physical stimuli associated with a certain thought pattern. basically, you’re cutting down on its physical supply. the supply that feeds into an established, existing, and extremely powerful mode of thinking. deprive yourself of it. 2. forbid yourself of any behavior or context that triggers or further strengthens the existing identity you wish to exchange. 3. go on a total media black out. 4. FORCE YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. 5. feel like a man because you are one and a man has a value beyond what your mind is currently amplifying 6. remember the lover you once were and that, had it not been for your current mental construct- that which you understand will require time to change, would've been an even happier heterosexual relationship 7. understand what you're missing out on, and visualize it every day 8. grow the fuck up 9. stop magnifying the matter and remove that false filter you view your whole world from 10. let the thought and experience of, physical or virtual, any sexual pleasure come from women and women only 11. do all that you can to feel better about yourself
Great post man. I've been living this way for almost a year - mid Feb I'll be a full year in.
Definitely one of the best things I've ever done in my life.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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innerchild
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23992512 - 01/08/17 01:56 PM (7 years, 22 days ago) |
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nice! congratulations  care to elaborate on what kind of problem you had and how things are for you after doing this for a year? pm if you need but i'm very curious because right now it's really a shot in the dark for me
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild]
#23995955 - 01/09/17 05:49 PM (7 years, 21 days ago) |
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Yeah of course man. I've always been a madly sexual creature and have been with plenty of partners, but after meeting my wife I discovered something through sex that I never even condsidered to be possible - it was like we could somehow reach some divine union between both our souls and god. It was magical, and tented towards tantra quite naturally.
However, after a few years together, she started to sabotage our relationship. As wonderful a soul as she is, she suffered a HUGE amount of childhood trauma and I don't believe she was wired up to accept the beauty of the life we shared. It all ended with her becoming an alcoholic, attempting suicide a bunch of times, fucking one of her mates as she knew it was the one thing I would never stand for, and then ran off to the rehab centre that I'd already helped her into previously when I went fucking nuts and shmashed the house to pieces. That was about a year and a half ago and she's cut contact with me as part of her rehab.
After she left, I realised how much her intense femininity balanced my intense masculinity. I was still living in the big house near London we were three weeks away from buying, lonely, bouncing off the walls in the throes of depression and drug abuse, so I set about try and make a few female friends (locally - the ones I do have live far away); not with benefits or anything like that, just to bring some feminine energy back into my life. Things were going well on that front, until I got a little too drunk with one of them one night and ended up in bed with her. I felt fucking terrible about it as it was not my intention at all.
But, once the floodgates had been opened, I went a little nuts with it all. I've never been a player, but I figured why not. Played polyamorous for about five months but soon realised I was doing myself more harm than good. I had more meaningless sex than I knew what to do with, but it always left me feeling hollow inside. So I stopped and took on the mantras you listed above, determined to find inner peace before another woman comes into my life. And come into my life I know she eventually will - but only when I'm 100% happy by myself, and not looking for her.
Just one more of those odd paradoxes in life, but I know from my soul, my experience, and the experience of people far more switched on than myself, that it will come true, should I put in the effort.
And effort it is, but it always pays off.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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innerchild
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23996209 - 01/09/17 06:47 PM (7 years, 21 days ago) |
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im sorry about the marriage and i hope you find your peace
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild]
#23997312 - 01/10/17 04:42 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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Don't sweat it brother, don't be sorry, please, celebrate it!! Fuck yeah it's been full of pain but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me and has taught me the greatest lessons of my life!!!
We all gotta go through struggles to learn, and I wish you all the best on your path.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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innerchild
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23997603 - 01/10/17 08:57 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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thank you
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Anonymous #1
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild]
#24011831 - 01/15/17 10:40 AM (7 years, 15 days ago) |
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Hey there. Back for an update.
Week 2 went well. It's usually around week 3 or 4 that it gets difficult. Usually around day 20 all I can think about is pu$$y all day long. The time I made it to day 63 I noticed that it got easier around day 40, and having that many days under my belt gave me more incentive. Then one day I was hungover and just laying around on the couch and started think about girls and I didn't have the willpower to stop myself. I am determined to succeed this time, and having this thread gives me more incentive and motivation.
I have gone to 2 urologist about the problem. Both said that I was too young and healthy to start taking pills regularly, and that taking them regularly at a young age can cause heart problems down the road. One gave me a sample pack of Viagra and one gave me a sample pack of daily Cialis. Both pills worked fine, but the doctors recommended that I not get started at such a young age.
I am determined to make this work this year. Thanks for starting this thread.
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innerchild
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/17
Posts: 31
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Anonymous #1]
#24012024 - 01/15/17 11:47 AM (7 years, 15 days ago) |
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glad you're hanging in there! i, on the other hand, wasn't too successful. i actually posted yesterday but just realized it was never posted. i messed up yesterday. failure #1. zero discipline, zero self control and, the funny part, is that i wasn't really in the mood for it. i kind of forced it upon me, because it's enjoyable, and because i am kind of still programmed to do it. today, i realized that it also all boils down to self respect. i guess this problem of mine, subconsciously, causes me to have no self respect and therefore engage in what i engage in and, in a way, self destruct. i also need to stay away from drugs. they are the main catalyst for this behavior. if i do not smoke up, i will not be too tempted to do it. they go hand in hand for me. i must never touch this shit again.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: innerchild] 1
#24012509 - 01/15/17 04:02 PM (7 years, 15 days ago) |
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Quote:
innerchild said: i must never touch this shit again.
Be weary of such absolutes man - you set yourself up for failure with resolutions like that.
Fact is, you're a human, and at times, you WILL fuck up. It's inevitable. What's more important than not fucking up is being able to forgive yourself completely when you do and move on - that, right there, is the root of self respect and more importantly, love for yourself.
Love is the key brother. Always.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Anonymous #1
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#24012515 - 01/15/17 04:05 PM (7 years, 15 days ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
innerchild said: i must never touch this shit again.
Be weary of such absolutes man - you set yourself up for failure with resolutions like that.
Fact is, you're a human, and at times, you WILL fuck up. It's inevitable. What's more important than not fucking up is being able to forgive yourself completely when you do and move on - that, right there, is the root of self respect and more importantly, love for yourself.
Love is the key brother. Always.
Such is the essence of wisdom.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: my sexual re-engineering experiment [Re: Anonymous #1]
#24070026 - 02/06/17 02:37 PM (6 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hey guys, I'm just posting an update.
Today is day 37 and I've been doing great. Had a few days in a row last week where it was hard to sleep b/c all I could think about was sex, but I stayed strong.
I had an exciting yet disappointing experience last night. I watched the super bowl with this chick I've had a crush on for 3 years now. In case you're wondering, she knows I've had a crush on her; I asked her out a few times and she said she'd rather be friends. Anyway, I found myself in a sexual situation with her last night and it was freaking awesome right up until it was bang time and I was only half hard. We were both quite drunk and my drunk was off of whiskey so we just chalked it up to "oh well, we're both drunk".
It's tough to tell if I've made progress with the erection quality, seeing as I had drunk so much whiskey. Part of me thinks that getting half hard after drinking so much of the creature is a good sign, while part of me just doesn't know. Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have another chance, so I am remaining optimistic. This also gives me more incentive to keep up my progress.
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