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Anonymous #1
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Girlfriend's roommate... halp.
#23979077 - 01/03/17 02:58 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Hey shroomerites. I'm gonna go anon on this one because there are pics of me on here and this is a very personal post.
I need some halp regarding my gf's roommate.
So I've been seeing this girl for 10 months and everything is excellent; its the best relationship I've ever been in (the first serious adult one for me even). We have great communication, fantastic sex, my family and friends like her and her's like me too, we're both level-headed and nerdy.
Uno problemo.
She lives with this fellow who shes known for 10+ years, they are best friends. Always hanging out together at home, they have their own lives of course but share many of the same friends.
And I just can't let go of the thought that I will always be no.2 to this guy, her bff. It doesn't help that he is incredibly charismatic, funny, good-looking, and smart. He also can be crazy and sometimes an asshole if he's in a bad mood.
I'm not normally a jealous person. I hate feeling possessive.
Would it be different if her roommate were female? Honestly, it probably would be less of an issue for me. 
I think my problem is insecurity 
I haven't expressed any of this to her. I don't really want to, I want to get over it myself and move on in this awesome relationship.
Any tips for feeling more secure?
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979096 - 01/03/17 03:08 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Yeah it sounds like old fashioned insecurity.
Do you think you take issue because they live together or because they hang out?
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Free time is the only time
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23979111 - 01/03/17 03:14 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: Yeah it sounds like old fashioned insecurity.
Do you think you take issue because they live together or because they hang out?
Well, those go hand in hand in this case. If they didn't live together they would be hanging out less and it would be a non-issue. She has other male friends who I have no problem with. This one is closer to her than I am, so he feels like a threat even though I (deep down?) don't think he is.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979127 - 01/03/17 03:21 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Well I was wondering. Its not real uncommon for young people to move in with eachother a year after dating. Do you think this is something yall'd be open to?
Do you think it might help?
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Free time is the only time
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23979147 - 01/03/17 03:29 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: Well I was wondering. Its not real uncommon for young people to move in with eachother a year after dating. Do you think this is something yall'd be open to?
Do you think it might help?
Yeah, it probably would help. I'm definitely not in a rush to move in together though, I'm actually a bit nervous about it because I've never moved in with a romantic partner before. We haven't even spoken about the idea yet, I want to give it more time.
Thanks for your ideas.
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979185 - 01/03/17 03:43 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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That's a tough one. I know deep down that would bother me too knowing the guy is good looking with a good personality. But I wouldn't mention anything to her about it unless she gives you a reason to worry because then you will come off as insecure.
Have they previously dated? Have they ever hooked up? Do they flirt with each other?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: FruitOfLife]
#23979243 - 01/03/17 04:07 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
FruitOfLife said: That's a tough one. I know deep down that would bother me too knowing the guy is good looking with a good personality. But I wouldn't mention anything to her about it unless she gives you a reason to worry because then you will come off as insecure.
Have they previously dated? Have they ever hooked up? Do they flirt with each other?
I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't. They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979248 - 01/03/17 04:10 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
FruitOfLife said: That's a tough one. I know deep down that would bother me too knowing the guy is good looking with a good personality. But I wouldn't mention anything to her about it unless she gives you a reason to worry because then you will come off as insecure.
Have they previously dated? Have they ever hooked up? Do they flirt with each other?
I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't. They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.
Well then trust her and don't worry about anything unless she gives you a reason to worry. It sounds like they are just friends so don't let those thoughts in the back of your mind creep in that they might be fucking or something.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979531 - 01/03/17 05:49 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Yeah definitely don't rush into it man. It seems like everything is gravy so long as you keep your head about you.
Does she have any siblings? Guys don't tend to often have sister-like bonds but women often find brother-like bonds, especially if they grew up together.
I have a nerdy guy friend who I've been in touch with and close to for... Jesus I guess about 20 years now and I'll be honest we "dated" the summer between 5th and 6th grade. But like I don't think we did anything but hold hands. We were kids who were lame little dorks.
Not entirely relevant as I am a lesbian but I have had girlfriends for years that I never really were attracted to. They either weren't my type but still people I liked or just had some personality trait that drove me nuts but is more or less tolerable from a friend.
Chances are she's more aware of all his faults than you are and is turned off by them but isn't a total deal breaker in the friend department. ...she probably does talk about you to him on occasion though.
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Free time is the only time
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moonzo
Getting Better



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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23979685 - 01/03/17 07:03 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Imma be completely honest. I too would be pretty insecure about that, if i were in your situation. Does she speak fondly of him? Did they use to have a relationship/did they use to have sex (seems like it)?
I dont know which female lives with a male "friend" and doesn't have sex with them at least once... So i feel your insecurity.
-------------------- "I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society "Were the aliens nice?" <-- How I hope to be treated on this forum Track record: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=20394867&page=2&vc=1#20394867 Mescapsilosyergictryptamine
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: moonzo]
#23979946 - 01/03/17 08:35 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: Yeah definitely don't rush into it man. It seems like everything is gravy so long as you keep your head about you.
Does she have any siblings? Guys don't tend to often have sister-like bonds but women often find brother-like bonds, especially if they grew up together.
I have a nerdy guy friend who I've been in touch with and close to for... Jesus I guess about 20 years now and I'll be honest we "dated" the summer between 5th and 6th grade. But like I don't think we did anything but hold hands. We were kids who were lame little dorks.
Not entirely relevant as I am a lesbian but I have had girlfriends for years that I never really were attracted to. They either weren't my type but still people I liked or just had some personality trait that drove me nuts but is more or less tolerable from a friend.
Chances are she's more aware of all his faults than you are and is turned off by them but isn't a total deal breaker in the friend department. ...she probably does talk about you to him on occasion though.
She's an only child actually, so the thirst for a close sibling-like relationship could be very real.
Yeah, I also talk about her to my close friends. I know they talk about their respective sex-lives. He is currently casually seeing a few people and I've heard a bit about some of the conquests through her.
Quote:
moonzo said: Imma be completely honest. I too would be pretty insecure about that, if i were in your situation. Does she speak fondly of him? Did they use to have a relationship/did they use to have sex (seems like it)?
I dont know which female lives with a male "friend" and doesn't have sex with them at least once... So i feel your insecurity.
Yes, she speaks fondly of him.
Why do you say that it seems like they used to have sex?
Its entirely possible that they did. I think I need to concentrate on the fact that if they did have sex, they both realized that they don't work as partners but do as friends. So really, its not a competition.
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moonzo
Getting Better



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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979970 - 01/03/17 08:41 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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i am only saying it seems like they had sex in the past because they live together. I personally have never met opposite sex "friends" who live together and have never had a sexual attraction with each other. It's just unlikely. But honestly, i am just reflecting my own insecurities and have no real idea of the situation; so remember that!
me thinking about it logically is like: -okay so theres a girl and guy living together -they are "bffs" -have known each other for 10 plus years
-how are they NOT fucking, is what i wanna know? lol.
love you anon <3
-------------------- "I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society "Were the aliens nice?" <-- How I hope to be treated on this forum Track record: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=20394867&page=2&vc=1#20394867 Mescapsilosyergictryptamine
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23979977 - 01/03/17 08:44 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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I will say this... You seem to be handling the situation in a very mature way, especially from that last post. I think everything will turn out just fine seeing how you've been with her for over 10 months now. Just keep up with your positive output and she won't have any choice but to focus 100% on you because she will be that much more attracted to you.
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Big Worm
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: moonzo]
#23979991 - 01/03/17 08:49 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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OP
I have really good female friends that i've never slept with.
While it may bother me too being in your position, if you let it keep bothering you, your emotions will likely transpire to you ruining this good relationship you have going even if it's not your intention. It will be in your body language, the way you act after she may speak about him etc. So I would try and let it go.
They are best friends, they live together, but you are clearly her boyfriend.
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moonzo
Getting Better



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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Big Worm]
#23980026 - 01/03/17 09:03 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
Big Worm said:
I have really good female friends that i've never slept with.
Hey Big Worm! I miss your crazy candy posts dude.
I must ask: are these "good female friends" people that you've lived with? Ask yourself: if you lived with them.. would ANYTHING sexual have happened? maybe even on a drunken night?
I would be honestly surprised if you said no.
-------------------- "I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society "Were the aliens nice?" <-- How I hope to be treated on this forum Track record: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=20394867&page=2&vc=1#20394867 Mescapsilosyergictryptamine
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Chakra Shock
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23980104 - 01/03/17 09:50 PM (7 years, 27 days ago) |
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Hey Anon,
I think some of the dalai lama's advice on relationships could be useful here.
The main premise of his approach to relationships is analyzing their foundation.
If it's founded on sexual attraction ( which I'm sure it is not, entirely, for you ) then there are bound to be feelings of insecurity, as there are countless sexually attractive people out there to take our partner's attention.
If, however, it is based more fully on compassion, simply as two sentient beings with bodies, emotions and a mind, then the way you relate to her and her surroundings could become quite different.
That's something to meditate on, and if you really devote yourself to instilling the thought of compassion for her, things like her being close to her roommate will probably become insignificant to the overall scope of the relationship.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Chakra Shock] 1
#23981089 - 01/04/17 11:02 AM (7 years, 26 days ago) |
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This thread has a lot of love and good vibes in it 
Thank you all for your advice
Quote:
Chakra Shock said: Hey Anon,
I think some of the dalai lama's advice on relationships could be useful here.
The main premise of his approach to relationships is analyzing their foundation.
If it's founded on sexual attraction ( which I'm sure it is not, entirely, for you ) then there are bound to be feelings of insecurity, as there are countless sexually attractive people out there to take our partner's attention.
If, however, it is based more fully on compassion, simply as two sentient beings with bodies, emotions and a mind, then the way you relate to her and her surroundings could become quite different.
That's something to meditate on, and if you really devote yourself to instilling the thought of compassion for her, things like her being close to her roommate will probably become insignificant to the overall scope of the relationship.
Yes, our relationship is definitely founded on more than sexual attraction. I like this point of view and will think more about it, thanks for sharing.
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Sleepwalker
Overshoes

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 5,503
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23981735 - 01/04/17 03:33 PM (7 years, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't.
They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.
Expressing your insecurities can be part of deeply trusting someone.
Maybe talking to her about this would help to make you feel more secure, hearing it from her own mouth.
Edited by Sleepwalker (01/04/17 03:35 PM)
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Sleepwalker]
#23982533 - 01/04/17 09:13 PM (7 years, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Sleepwalker said:
Quote:
Anonymous said: I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't.
They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.
Expressing your insecurities can be part of deeply trusting someone.
Maybe talking to her about this would help to make you feel more secure, hearing it from her own mouth.
Maybe but you gotta know that once a woman knows what pushes your buttons or knows what makes you jealous, then she will do more of that to test and see if it still bothers you.
I would keep your insecurities to yourself if it isn't making you worry too much. But if you're losing sleep over it then yeah talk to her, but keep in mind if you let her know you are jealous of their friendship, she WILL test you in the near future to see how you handle yourself.
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I will add a story of how I acted like an insecure fucktard with someone I really liked. This was after we had been dating for a few months, and just started being exclusive.
So I knew she had this guy friend from school who she had classes with and they would do homework and lab work together. He was a pretty tall, good looking, and muscular guy but he also had a girlfriend, but she was like 300 miles away so he wasn't faithful to her and definitely hooked up with other girls and everyone was aware of that. Well one night she cancelled her plans with me because "something came up" Not a big deal, I just chilled at home and had a relaxing night.
I asked her the next day what the big emergency was and she said she met this guy at a bar to have drinks because he was fighting with his girlfriend and "needed someone to talk to." Well I definitely showed it bothered me and it made me kind of jealous and she was well aware of that. But she assured me nothing happened and he was only a friend.
Fast forward about 3 weeks later. My great uncle passed away so I had to drive 200 miles to attend his funeral on a Saturday so that Friday I just wanted to stay home and get some rest so I wouldn't be tired while driving. So my girlfriend said she was just going to go out and have drinks with friends. A few hours into the night I get a few snapchats from her and it's only her and the guy "friend". I got probably 6 snaps of them doing shots so I knew she was getting drunk. I decided not to respond to her and just let her do her thing. Well 11:30ish rolls around and she calls 4 times in a row so I answer the phone reminding her I had to wake up early to drive to a funeral.
She said she just really needed to see me that night, so I agreed she could stop by but she couldn't stay long because I had to sleep. She showed up not as drunk as I expected and confessed that as he drove her home and parked his car, he started trying to make moves on her like grabbing the inside of her leg, trying to kiss her, etc. She got uncomfortable and went inside and when he left she came over to my house. She said she thought it would be ok getting drinks alone with him because he had a girlfriend and she never expected anything to happen. And while she was at my house he continued to text her and send her snaps of him in bed asking when she was coming over lol.
When she confessed this to me, that is how I knew she only went out with him that night to make me jealous and see how I would react. I'm guessing by her getting close to him and taking pictures with him, he got the idea she was interested and flirting with him. I mean I don't think it's too common for plutonic friends to go out and get drunk without the assumed outcome of hooking up? So because she just had to make me jealous, she put herself in a risky situation and lead a guy on who she said that night had a "rapey vibe"
Kind of a long story but it shows how women will do things just because they know it makes you jealous...
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The Mycologist
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: FruitOfLife]
#23982580 - 01/04/17 09:36 PM (7 years, 26 days ago) |
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I moved in with my gf at around a year.
-------------------- "That you are here—that life exists, and identity; That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.” ― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

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qman
Stranger

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OP-The problem I have with this GF is that she never considered your potential insecurities on this living situation.
Most women would try to ease the mind of their male partner because they know how jealous they can be when their lover is living with another man, the fact that she hasn't addressed this serious issue is somewhat troubling.
I believe the reason why you're insecure is because she didn't open up to you about this relationship she has with her roommate.
Why should you even have to ask about it? She should have been forthcoming about it in the very beginning.
Let me ask you this OP, if you were living with a very attractive female and started dating this girl, wouldn't you have addressed that issue out of courtesy to ease any insecurities she might have? I know I would if I was in a similar situation.
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moonzo
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: qman]
#23983259 - 01/05/17 07:51 AM (7 years, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
qman said: OP-The problem I have with this GF is that she never considered your potential insecurities on this living situation.
Most women would try to ease the mind of their male partner because they know how jealous they can be when their lover is living with another man, the fact that she hasn't addressed this serious issue is somewhat troubling.
I believe the reason why you're insecure is because she didn't open up to you about this relationship she has with her roommate.
Why should you even have to ask about it? She should have been forthcoming about it in the very beginning.
Let me ask you this OP, if you were living with a very attractive female and started dating this girl, wouldn't you have addressed that issue out of courtesy to ease any insecurities she might have? I know I would if I was in a similar situation.
aahhh shit, my man is onto somethin' over here!
-------------------- "I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society "Were the aliens nice?" <-- How I hope to be treated on this forum Track record: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=20394867&page=2&vc=1#20394867 Mescapsilosyergictryptamine
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: qman]
#23983474 - 01/05/17 09:56 AM (7 years, 25 days ago) |
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Maybe she just wants to date someone that isn't insecure and can trust her?
Women also like to "test" their partner too. And sometimes (alot of the time) it can be something stupid. But in this case, since she was already living with him, I see absolutely no reason she should have to try to coddle OP's potential insecurity.
I know alot of women put up with jealousy but the smart and fair-minded ones don't. You have to remember that men and women do not operate the same way. My gf has lived with a girl for almost a decade. They haven't had sex. They've both also lived with 2-3 men in more recent years. None of them have had sex with eachother. Despite most of them having perfectly healthy sex drives.
I know there's some cliche that men and women can't "just be friends" but its not true. Our culture and society has just become hypersexual in the last few decades and while we might be more prone to banging whoever we also more often assume everyone is banging whoever.
So you guys might have an insanely attractive female roommate but that doesn't mean she's gonna bang you. And, if she's a close friend, and has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want anything more than friends, you're an idiot if you try to seduce her. Very good way to lose a good friend.
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Free time is the only time
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qman
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23983532 - 01/05/17 10:22 AM (7 years, 25 days ago) |
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Yeah, I agree with what you're saying and I know that I would for sure put my GF's mind at ease if I had an attractive female roommate, but I could also understand why the OP's GF might want to make him jealous or insecure about the situation.
He might want to ask himself, why didn't she just spend 30 seconds and say "don't worry about 'Bob' living with me, he's nothing more than a good friend".
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: qman]
#23983597 - 01/05/17 10:51 AM (7 years, 25 days ago) |
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Depends.
She could also be inexperienced and oblivious to the potential and common concern. Or the free loving hippie sort that assumes everythings gravy all the time if no one says otherwise. Or just be the sort that if OP has a problem with it, or even thinks there could be a problem with it, then he's "immature" and needs to get over himself.
We sadly don't know a whole lot about OPs gf.
There are subtle ways to bring it up without appearing jealous or possessive though. Do you think this might be something you wanna do OP?
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Free time is the only time
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23983865 - 01/05/17 12:48 PM (7 years, 25 days ago) |
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OP if you have your own place maybe see if she is willing to live with you instead in the future? I say future because I think I read previously you're not in a rush to live with her. But if she did choose him over you as a roommate after you guys have been together for a while to me that'd be weird.
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #2]
#23984777 - 01/05/17 06:25 PM (7 years, 25 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: OP if you have your own place maybe see if she is willing to live with you instead in the future? I say future because I think I read previously you're not in a rush to live with her. But if she did choose him over you as a roommate after you guys have been together for a while to me that'd be weird.
Yeah if my gf chose to live with some other man instead of me after being together for 10+ months then I would switch our relationship to an open relationship.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: FruitOfLife]
#23985443 - 01/05/17 10:57 PM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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10 months is a good long time. I think OP should start considering the idea in the next few months. But at the same time we don't know jack about how their relationship has been, what their financial situations are, or... Well anything. And me... I'd rather live with my brother or one of my old friends than my partner right now and we've been dating for over a year. My last 2 long term partners.
And it's for the same sort of personal reasons that OP and his gf may not want to talk about. Like one reason I wouldn't live with my gf right now is because she has a shiiiiit load of debt and depends on rent to cover the bills. And she's too stubborn/proud to let me help.
I say be wary of giving someone advice based on personal experience. Or at least aware. Personal experience often brings about bias. I give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. And so far I've read nothing sketchy about OPs gf or her rommie friend.
However, OP, when you do bring up the moving in together thing her response will tell you alot. Like my biggest concern in this wouldn't be them having a sexual relationship but for her clinging on to an emotional one. You rarely maintain a friendship with a fuck buddy for 10 years but you definitely do with your bff you don't want to live without.
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Free time is the only time
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Chakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs] 1
#23985862 - 01/06/17 06:36 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Right, but isn't it only natural to have deep, intimate and emotional relationships with at least a few people at a time? I think it's important to have the openness to encourage or at least support one's significant other in finding meaningful, intimate friendships outside of the relationship as well.
OP, you're worthy of love and if your girlfriend is a kind, caring person, then I think you have nothing to really be worried about regarding her roommate.
Sometimes you gotta jump right into things, like putting blotter on your tongue for the first time. It might kick your ass, but almost everyone who ever experiences that says it was worth it. Maybe the two of you aren't quite ready to move in together, but taking that step when it's still scary sounds like an adventure and a half.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Chakra Shock]
#23985875 - 01/06/17 07:02 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Fuck, I'm so glad you're here CS, you never fail to give the most sound and reasonable advice. I've been a bit consumed with the topsy-turviness of my own life to have been able to contribute much this past month, but I ask of all those who read it, is please pay heed to the words above, as they come from a wise man.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Chakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
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Thanks, JSB good to see ya around!
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Chakra Shock] 1
#23985929 - 01/06/17 07:57 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Find out if he's gay before you make a problem outta nothing
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #3]
#23985945 - 01/06/17 08:11 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Quote:
Chakra Shock said: Right, but isn't it only natural to have deep, intimate and emotional relationships with at least a few people at a time? I think it's important to have the openness to encourage or at least support one's significant other in finding meaningful, intimate friendships outside of the relationship as well.
No for sure, thats why I haven't brought it up before. Ime a romantic relationship is often more strained when there isn't significant relationships outside of the romantic party. So said gf is probably happier because she has a close friend to confide in and give her confidence if and when OP isn't available and their relationship is better as a result.
I only said that because there actually is signs that they are emotionally attached and not sexually. I have met a handful of people that do get unhealthy attached to a non-romantic partner. But if there were signs that she weren't decently balanced in the emotional department I imagine OP would have said something on that note.
I agree with JSB tho. You not only give good advice but often provide some much needed perspective.
Quote:
Anonymous said: Find out if he's gay before you make a problem outta nothing
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Free time is the only time
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 8,272
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23986178 - 01/06/17 10:14 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Do NOT talk to her about how her living with her bff (male or female) bothers you. Every future conversation about him will be viewed through that lens, if you do. If you both love each other and everything is great, then trust her. If she ever proves unworthy of that trust, THEN move on. How much her living with a male room mate bothered you is a "funny" conversation to have in a year after you and her live together and will end with "but I still loved and trusted you completely so I never brought it up." You'll get mad action that future night.
And honestly... whether or not they had sex before you came along is none of your business.
-------------------- No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: automan] 1
#23986317 - 01/06/17 11:24 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Hmm... there are some opposite opinions here...
qman thinks she should have volunteered the information about her history with the bff
automan thinks its none of my business
Sleepwalker thinks I should express my insecurities
automan thinks I should withhold my insecurities and get over them myself
I already thought I should do what automan suggested, and still do
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23986325 - 01/06/17 11:27 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Withhold them for now.. If she hasn't given you a reason and you express your insecure feelings, it might backfire and she could get super pissed at you and think you're just being jealous or whatever. 
I get where you're coming from though.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23986351 - 01/06/17 11:39 AM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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It's pretty typical. Usually the only advice the shroomery a community can agree on is "go to a doctor" or "break up with the cheating abusive partner."
Everything else is a grey area that come in any shade and in part the amount of information you provide and how you present it makes a difference in the applicability of the advice you get.
For the most part, with most things, only you know what is best for you. Only you know you. And you certainly know every other party involved a whole lot better than we do.
to you and your lady whatever you do tho.
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Free time is the only time
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moonzo
Getting Better



Registered: 06/04/14
Posts: 3,155
Loc: Kaneta
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23986599 - 01/06/17 01:56 PM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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I feel like the least you can do is talk to her about it 
But don't come off like youre interrogating her, or that you don't approve of her living environment.
Just a sweet heart-to-heart about how it makes you feel.
-------------------- "I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society "Were the aliens nice?" <-- How I hope to be treated on this forum Track record: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=20394867&page=2&vc=1#20394867 Mescapsilosyergictryptamine
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Starstepper
AI Brobot



Registered: 05/08/16
Posts: 2,935
Loc: The blip on the radar
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: moonzo] 2
#23986797 - 01/06/17 03:13 PM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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OP don't stress about it. That guy has been in the friend zone for 10+ years and is now a trusted roommate. Level 10 friend zone achieved. Just become good friends with him and he'll be an asset for you making sure she is safe when you aren't around.
I'd mention the idea getting a new place together in the near future before admitting insecurity. That's just me though.
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Starstepper]
#23987549 - 01/06/17 07:28 PM (7 years, 24 days ago) |
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Quote:
Starstepper said: OP don't stress about it. That guy has been in the friend zone for 10+ years and is now a trusted roommate. Level 10 friend zone achieved. Just become good friends with him and he'll be an asset for you making sure she is safe when you aren't around.
I'd mention the idea getting a new place together in the near future before admitting insecurity. That's just me though.
Level 10 friend zone achieved
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Sundrop


Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 2,114
Loc: tennessee
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23996834 - 01/09/17 10:28 PM (7 years, 21 days ago) |
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I lived with a girl for a year of college. She was also a really good friend of mine. We didn't sleep together, but we hung out regularly. I actually started a relationship with another girl while in this living situation. I just wanted you to know it is possible.
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa
Last seen: 13 hours, 47 minutes
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23997725 - 01/10/17 09:59 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: Hey shroomerites. I'm gonna go anon on this one because there are pics of me on here and this is a very personal post.
I need some halp regarding my gf's roommate.
So I've been seeing this girl for 10 months and everything is excellent; its the best relationship I've ever been in (the first serious adult one for me even). We have great communication, fantastic sex, my family and friends like her and her's like me too, we're both level-headed and nerdy.
Uno problemo.
She lives with this fellow who shes known for 10+ years, they are best friends. Always hanging out together at home, they have their own lives of course but share many of the same friends.
And I just can't let go of the thought that I will always be no.2 to this guy, her bff. It doesn't help that he is incredibly charismatic, funny, good-looking, and smart. He also can be crazy and sometimes an asshole if he's in a bad mood.
I'm not normally a jealous person. I hate feeling possessive.
Would it be different if her roommate were female? Honestly, it probably would be less of an issue for me. 
I think my problem is insecurity 
I haven't expressed any of this to her. I don't really want to, I want to get over it myself and move on in this awesome relationship.
Any tips for feeling more secure?
That dude has been in the friendzone for 10 years. You don't recover from that. The only way this guy is getting in her pants is if he rapes her or she's coming off a break up with you and she wasted. Other than that she thinks of him as a family member. Chicks don't fuck their brothers.
Trust me on this. You're good. You don't need to feel secure about this... It's practically guaranteed they never fucked and if they did it was early on and they decided to stay friends.
The friendzne is a powerful thing. don't worry
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Starstepper
AI Brobot



Registered: 05/08/16
Posts: 2,935
Loc: The blip on the radar
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Patlal]
#23997899 - 01/10/17 11:21 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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This dude is probably so deep in the friend zone he has to choose one out of two outfits for her when she is getting ready for a date with OP.
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa
Last seen: 13 hours, 47 minutes
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Starstepper]
#23997934 - 01/10/17 11:32 AM (7 years, 20 days ago) |
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This guy gets it.
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Psilosoulful
Registered: 09/05/14
Posts: 7,205
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Patlal]
#24000602 - 01/11/17 09:26 AM (7 years, 19 days ago) |
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Any updates OP?
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Psilosoulful] 1
#24001991 - 01/11/17 06:29 PM (7 years, 19 days ago) |
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Nawt really. Things are still going really well. I didn't bring this issue up nor did I broach the idea of moving in together.
You guys definitely helped me feel more secure, esp. with those level 10 friendzone comments I'm going to remember that
The problem is really just with me though, and my feelings of inferiority to her roommate.
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GRAVE
trippy by nature



Registered: 01/24/13
Posts: 229
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#24002897 - 01/12/17 12:45 AM (7 years, 18 days ago) |
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Just chiming in to say this: Most married couples can't even keep the fire going for 10 years. Even if they did potentially bang at one point, you're pretty much guaranteed that they aren't banging now. If there are no obvious signs pointing to any kind of foul play, why ruin a good thing? 
I would work on just getting to know the dude. Maybe befriending him will help him seem less threatening to you.
Also, 1 year is pretty short. 10 years of friendship something that is reasonable to feel inferior about. Just work on directing those feelings in a proactive way rather than trying to play in an imaginary pissing contest.
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Journeys taken: Psilocybe cubensis, Psilocybe Cyanescens, MDMA, MDA, Methylone, San Pedro, Ketamine, Anesket, Peruvian torch, LSD, 25c, DMT, Float tank, Yerbamina.
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