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Offlineqman
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Registered: 12/06/06
Posts: 34,927
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: The Mycologist] * 1
    #23982617 - 01/04/17 09:59 PM (7 years, 26 days ago)

OP-The problem I have with this GF is that she never considered your potential insecurities on this living situation.

Most women would try to ease the mind of their male partner because they know how jealous they can be when their lover is living with another man, the fact that she hasn't addressed this serious issue is somewhat troubling.

I believe the reason why you're insecure is because she didn't open up to you about this relationship she has with her roommate.

Why should you even have to ask about it?  She should have been forthcoming about it in the very beginning.

Let me ask you this OP, if you were living with a very attractive female and started dating this girl, wouldn't you have addressed that issue out of courtesy to ease any insecurities she might have?  I know I would if I was in a similar situation.


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Invisiblemoonzo
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: qman]
    #23983259 - 01/05/17 07:51 AM (7 years, 25 days ago)

Quote:

qman said:
OP-The problem I have with this GF is that she never considered your potential insecurities on this living situation.

Most women would try to ease the mind of their male partner because they know how jealous they can be when their lover is living with another man, the fact that she hasn't addressed this serious issue is somewhat troubling.

I believe the reason why you're insecure is because she didn't open up to you about this relationship she has with her roommate.

Why should you even have to ask about it?  She should have been forthcoming about it in the very beginning.

Let me ask you this OP, if you were living with a very attractive female and started dating this girl, wouldn't you have addressed that issue out of courtesy to ease any insecurities she might have?  I know I would if I was in a similar situation.




aahhh shit, my man is onto somethin' over here!


--------------------
"I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society
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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Registered: 12/10/11
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: qman]
    #23983474 - 01/05/17 09:56 AM (7 years, 25 days ago)

Maybe she just wants to date someone that isn't insecure and can trust her?

Women also like to "test" their partner too. And sometimes (alot of the time) it can be something stupid. But in this case, since she was already living with him, I see absolutely no reason she should have to try to coddle OP's potential insecurity.


I know alot of women put up with jealousy but the smart and fair-minded ones don't. You have to remember that men and women do not operate the same way. My gf has lived with a girl for almost a decade. They haven't had sex. They've both also lived with 2-3 men in more recent years. None of them have had sex with eachother. Despite most of them having perfectly healthy sex drives.

I know there's some cliche that men and women can't "just be friends" but its not true. Our culture and society has just become hypersexual in the last few decades and while we might be more prone to banging whoever we also more often assume everyone is banging whoever.


So you guys might have an insanely attractive female roommate but that doesn't mean she's gonna bang you. And, if she's a close friend, and has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want anything more than friends, you're an idiot if you try to seduce her. Very good way to lose a good friend.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Offlineqman
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Registered: 12/06/06
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23983532 - 01/05/17 10:22 AM (7 years, 25 days ago)

Yeah, I agree with what you're saying and I know that I would for sure put my GF's mind at ease if I had an attractive female roommate, but I could also understand why the OP's GF might want to make him jealous or insecure about the situation.

He might want to ask himself, why didn't she just spend 30 seconds and say "don't worry about 'Bob' living with me, he's nothing more than a good friend".


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: qman]
    #23983597 - 01/05/17 10:51 AM (7 years, 25 days ago)

Depends.

She could also be inexperienced and oblivious to the potential and common concern. Or the free loving hippie sort that assumes everythings gravy all the time if no one says otherwise. Or just be the sort that if OP has a problem with it, or even thinks there could be a problem with it, then he's "immature" and needs to get over himself.

We sadly don't know a whole lot about OPs gf.


There are subtle ways to bring it up without appearing jealous or possessive though. Do you think this might be something you wanna do OP?


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Anonymous #2

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23983865 - 01/05/17 12:48 PM (7 years, 25 days ago)

OP if you have your own place maybe see if she is willing to live with you instead in the future?  I say future because I think I read previously you're not in a rush to live with her.  But if she did choose him over you as a roommate after you guys have been together for a while to me that'd be weird.


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #23984777 - 01/05/17 06:25 PM (7 years, 25 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
OP if you have your own place maybe see if she is willing to live with you instead in the future?  I say future because I think I read previously you're not in a rush to live with her.  But if she did choose him over you as a roommate after you guys have been together for a while to me that'd be weird.



Yeah if my gf chose to live with some other man instead of me after being together for 10+ months then I would switch our relationship to an open relationship.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: FruitOfLife]
    #23985443 - 01/05/17 10:57 PM (7 years, 25 days ago)

10 months is a good long time. I think OP should start considering the idea in the next few months. But at the same time we don't know jack about how their relationship has been, what their financial situations are, or... Well anything. And me... I'd rather live with my brother or one of my old friends than my partner right now and we've been dating for over a year. My last 2 long term partners.

And it's for the same sort of personal reasons that OP and his gf may not want to talk about. Like one reason I wouldn't live with my gf right now is because she has a shiiiiit load of debt and depends on rent to cover the bills. And she's too stubborn/proud to let me help.



I say be wary of giving someone advice based on personal experience. Or at least aware. Personal experience often brings about bias. I give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. And so far I've read nothing sketchy about OPs gf or her rommie friend.

However, OP, when you do bring up the moving in together thing her response will tell you alot. Like my biggest concern in this wouldn't be them having a sexual relationship but for her clinging on to an emotional one. You rarely maintain a friendship with a fuck buddy for 10 years but you definitely do with your bff you don't want to live without.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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OfflineChakra Shock
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Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs] * 1
    #23985862 - 01/06/17 06:36 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Right, but isn't it only natural to have deep, intimate and emotional relationships with at least a few people at a time? I think it's important to have the openness to encourage or at least support one's significant other in finding meaningful, intimate friendships outside of the relationship as well.

OP, you're worthy of love and if your girlfriend is a kind, caring person, then I think you have nothing to really be worried about regarding her roommate.

Sometimes you gotta jump right into things, like putting blotter on your tongue for the first time. It might kick your ass, but almost everyone who ever experiences that says it was worth it. Maybe the two of you aren't quite ready to move in together, but taking that step when it's still scary sounds like an adventure and a half.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23985875 - 01/06/17 07:02 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Fuck, I'm so glad you're here CS, you never fail to give the most sound and reasonable advice. I've been a bit consumed with the topsy-turviness of my own life to have been able to contribute much this past month, but I ask of all those who read it, is please pay heed to the words above, as they come from a wise man.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineChakra Shock
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Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #23985896 - 01/06/17 07:31 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Thanks, JSB :sun: good to see ya around!


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Anonymous #3

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Chakra Shock] * 1
    #23985929 - 01/06/17 07:57 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Find out if he's gay before you make a problem outta nothing


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #23985945 - 01/06/17 08:11 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Quote:

Chakra Shock said:
Right, but isn't it only natural to have deep, intimate and emotional relationships with at least a few people at a time? I think it's important to have the openness to encourage or at least support one's significant other in finding meaningful, intimate friendships outside of the relationship as well.





No for sure, thats why I haven't brought it up before.
Ime a romantic relationship is often more strained when there isn't significant relationships outside of the romantic party. So said gf is probably happier because she has a close friend to confide in and give her confidence if and when OP isn't available and their relationship is better as a result.

I only said that because there actually is signs that they are emotionally attached and not sexually. I have met a handful of people that do get unhealthy attached to a non-romantic partner. But if there were signs that she weren't decently balanced in the emotional department I imagine OP would have said something on that note.


I agree with JSB tho. You not only give good advice but often provide some much needed perspective.
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Find out if he's gay before you make a problem outta nothing




:rofl:


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleautomanM
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Registered: 09/18/03
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23986178 - 01/06/17 10:14 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Do NOT talk to her about how her living with her bff (male or female) bothers you. Every future conversation about him will be viewed through that lens, if you do. If you both love each other and everything is great, then trust her. If she ever proves unworthy of that trust, THEN move on. How much her living with a male room mate bothered you is a "funny" conversation to have in a year after you and her live together and will end with "but I still loved and trusted you completely so I never brought it up." You'll get mad action that future night.

And honestly... whether or not they had sex before you came along is none of your business.


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No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: automan] * 1
    #23986317 - 01/06/17 11:24 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Hmm... there are some opposite opinions here...

qman thinks she should have volunteered the information about her history with the bff

automan thinks its none of my business

Sleepwalker thinks I should express my insecurities

automan thinks I should withhold my insecurities and get over them myself

I already thought I should do what automan suggested, and still do


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Anonymous #2

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23986325 - 01/06/17 11:27 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Withhold them for now.. If she hasn't given you a reason and you express your insecure feelings, it might backfire and she could get super pissed at you and think you're just being jealous or whatever.  :shrug:

I get where you're coming from though.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
Fucked off to the pub
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23986351 - 01/06/17 11:39 AM (7 years, 24 days ago)

It's pretty typical. Usually the only advice the shroomery a community can agree on is "go to a doctor" or "break up with the cheating abusive partner."

Everything else is a grey area that come in any shade and in part the amount of information you provide and how you present it makes a difference in the applicability of the advice you get.



For the most part, with most things, only you know what is best for you. Only you know you. And you certainly know every other party involved a whole lot better than we do.
:goodluck: to you and your lady whatever you do tho.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisiblemoonzo
Getting Better
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Registered: 06/04/14
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Loc: Kaneta Flag
Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23986599 - 01/06/17 01:56 PM (7 years, 24 days ago)

I feel like the least you can do is talk to her about it :smile:

But don't come off like youre interrogating her, or that you don't approve of her living environment.

Just a sweet heart-to-heart about how it makes you feel.


--------------------
"I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society
"Were the aliens nice?" <-- How I hope to be treated on this forum

Track record: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=20394867&page=2&vc=1#20394867

Mescapsilosyergictryptamine :billseal:


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OfflineStarstepper
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: moonzo] * 2
    #23986797 - 01/06/17 03:13 PM (7 years, 24 days ago)

OP don't stress about it. That guy has been in the friend zone for 10+ years and is now a trusted roommate. Level 10 friend zone achieved. Just become good friends with him and he'll be an asset for you making sure she is safe when you aren't around.

I'd mention the idea getting a new place together in the near future before admitting insecurity. That's just me though.


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Starstepper]
    #23987549 - 01/06/17 07:28 PM (7 years, 24 days ago)

Quote:

Starstepper said:
OP don't stress about it. That guy has been in the friend zone for 10+ years and is now a trusted roommate. Level 10 friend zone achieved. Just become good friends with him and he'll be an asset for you making sure she is safe when you aren't around.

I'd mention the idea getting a new place together in the near future before admitting insecurity. That's just me though.



Level 10 friend zone achieved  :lolsy:


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