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Anonymous #1

Girlfriend's roommate... halp.
    #23979077 - 01/03/17 02:58 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Hey shroomerites. I'm gonna go anon on this one because there are pics of me on here and this is a very personal post.

I need some halp regarding my gf's roommate.

So I've been seeing this girl for 10 months and everything is excellent; its the best relationship I've ever been in (the first serious adult one for me even). We have great communication, fantastic sex, my family and friends like her and her's like me too, we're both level-headed and nerdy.

Uno problemo.

She lives with this fellow who shes known for 10+ years, they are best friends. Always hanging out together at home, they have their own lives of course but share many of the same friends.

And I just can't let go of the thought that I will always be no.2 to this guy, her bff. It doesn't help that he is incredibly charismatic, funny, good-looking, and smart. He also can be crazy and sometimes an asshole if he's in a bad mood.

I'm not normally a jealous person. I hate feeling possessive.

Would it be different if her roommate were female? Honestly, it probably would be less of an issue for me. :frown:

I think my problem is insecurity :sad:

I haven't expressed any of this to her. I don't really want to, I want to get over it myself and move on in this awesome relationship.

Any tips for feeling more secure?


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979096 - 01/03/17 03:08 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Yeah it sounds like old fashioned insecurity.

Do you think you take issue because they live together or because they hang out?


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23979111 - 01/03/17 03:14 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Yeah it sounds like old fashioned insecurity.

Do you think you take issue because they live together or because they hang out?




Well, those go hand in hand in this case. If they didn't live together they would be hanging out less and it would be a non-issue. She has other male friends who I have no problem with. This one is closer to her than I am, so he feels like a threat even though I (deep down?) don't think he is.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979127 - 01/03/17 03:21 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Well I was wondering. Its not real uncommon for young people to move in with eachother a year after dating. Do you think this is something yall'd be open to?

Do you think it might help?


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23979147 - 01/03/17 03:29 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Well I was wondering. Its not real uncommon for young people to move in with eachother a year after dating. Do you think this is something yall'd be open to?

Do you think it might help?




Yeah, it probably would help. I'm definitely not in a rush to move in together though, I'm actually a bit nervous about it because I've never moved in with a romantic partner before. We haven't even spoken about the idea yet, I want to give it more time.

Thanks for your ideas. :tongue:


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979185 - 01/03/17 03:43 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

That's a tough one. I know deep down that would bother me too knowing the guy is good looking with a good personality. But I wouldn't mention anything to her about it unless she gives you a reason to worry because then you will come off as insecure.

Have they previously dated? Have they ever hooked up? Do they flirt with each other?


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: FruitOfLife]
    #23979243 - 01/03/17 04:07 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

FruitOfLife said:
That's a tough one. I know deep down that would bother me too knowing the guy is good looking with a good personality. But I wouldn't mention anything to her about it unless she gives you a reason to worry because then you will come off as insecure.

Have they previously dated? Have they ever hooked up? Do they flirt with each other?




I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't.

They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979248 - 01/03/17 04:10 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

FruitOfLife said:
That's a tough one. I know deep down that would bother me too knowing the guy is good looking with a good personality. But I wouldn't mention anything to her about it unless she gives you a reason to worry because then you will come off as insecure.

Have they previously dated? Have they ever hooked up? Do they flirt with each other?




I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't.

They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.



Well then trust her and don't worry about anything unless she gives you a reason to worry. It sounds like they are just friends so don't let those thoughts in the back of your mind creep in that they might be fucking or something.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979531 - 01/03/17 05:49 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Yeah definitely don't rush into it man. It seems like everything is gravy so long as you keep your head about you.


Does she have any siblings?
Guys don't tend to often have sister-like bonds but women often find brother-like bonds, especially if they grew up together.


I have a nerdy guy friend who I've been in touch with and close to for... Jesus I guess about 20 years now :lol: and I'll be honest we "dated" the summer between 5th and 6th grade. But like I don't think we did anything but hold hands. We were kids who were lame little dorks.

Not entirely relevant as I am a lesbian but I have had girlfriends for years that I never really were attracted to. They either weren't my type but still people I liked or just had some personality trait that drove me nuts but is more or less tolerable from a friend.


Chances are she's more aware of all his faults than you are and is turned off by them but isn't a total deal breaker in the friend department.
...she probably does talk about you to him on occasion though.


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Invisiblemoonzo
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23979685 - 01/03/17 07:03 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Imma be completely honest.
I too would be pretty insecure about that, if i were in your situation. Does she speak fondly of him? Did they use to have a relationship/did they use to have sex (seems like it)?

I dont know which female lives with a male "friend" and doesn't have sex with them at least once... So i feel your insecurity.


--------------------
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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: moonzo]
    #23979946 - 01/03/17 08:35 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Yeah definitely don't rush into it man. It seems like everything is gravy so long as you keep your head about you.


Does she have any siblings?
Guys don't tend to often have sister-like bonds but women often find brother-like bonds, especially if they grew up together.


I have a nerdy guy friend who I've been in touch with and close to for... Jesus I guess about 20 years now :lol: and I'll be honest we "dated" the summer between 5th and 6th grade. But like I don't think we did anything but hold hands. We were kids who were lame little dorks.

Not entirely relevant as I am a lesbian but I have had girlfriends for years that I never really were attracted to. They either weren't my type but still people I liked or just had some personality trait that drove me nuts but is more or less tolerable from a friend.


Chances are she's more aware of all his faults than you are and is turned off by them but isn't a total deal breaker in the friend department.
...she probably does talk about you to him on occasion though.




She's an only child actually, so the thirst for a close sibling-like relationship could be very real.

Yeah, I also talk about her to my close friends. I know they talk about their respective sex-lives. He is currently casually seeing a few people and I've heard a bit about some of the conquests through her.



Quote:

moonzo said:
Imma be completely honest.
I too would be pretty insecure about that, if i were in your situation. Does she speak fondly of him? Did they use to have a relationship/did they use to have sex (seems like it)?

I dont know which female lives with a male "friend" and doesn't have sex with them at least once... So i feel your insecurity.




Yes, she speaks fondly of him.

Why do you say that it seems like they used to have sex?

Its entirely possible that they did. I think I need to concentrate on the fact that if they did have sex, they both realized that they don't work as partners but do as friends. So really, its not a competition.


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Invisiblemoonzo
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979970 - 01/03/17 08:41 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

i am only saying it seems like they had sex in the past because they live together. I personally have never met opposite sex "friends" who live together and have never had a sexual attraction with each other. It's just unlikely. But honestly, i am just reflecting my own insecurities and have no real idea of the situation; so remember that!

me thinking about it logically is like:
-okay so theres a girl and guy living together
-they are "bffs"
-have known each other for 10 plus years

-how are they NOT fucking, is what i wanna know? lol.

love you anon <3


--------------------
"I don't make any sense, do not ever listen to me under any circumstance." <-- This is how I am viewed by a regular person in society
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InvisibleFruitOfLife
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23979977 - 01/03/17 08:44 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

I will say this... You seem to be handling the situation in a very mature way, especially from that last post. I think everything will turn out just fine seeing how you've been with her for over 10 months now. Just keep up with your positive output and she won't have any choice but to focus 100% on you because she will be that much more attracted to you.


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OfflineBig Worm
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: moonzo]
    #23979991 - 01/03/17 08:49 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

OP


I have really good female friends that i've never slept with.


While it may bother me too being in your position, if you let it keep bothering you, your emotions will likely transpire to you ruining this good relationship you have going even if it's not your intention. It will be in your body language, the way you act after she may speak about him etc.  So I would try and let it go.

They are best friends, they live together, but you are clearly her boyfriend.


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Invisiblemoonzo
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Big Worm]
    #23980026 - 01/03/17 09:03 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

Big Worm said:

I have really good female friends that i've never slept with.






Hey Big Worm! I miss your crazy candy posts dude.

I must ask: are these "good female friends" people that you've lived with?
Ask yourself: if you lived with them.. would ANYTHING sexual have happened? maybe even on a drunken night?

I would be honestly surprised if you said no.


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OfflineChakra Shock
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23980104 - 01/03/17 09:50 PM (7 years, 27 days ago)

Hey Anon,

I think some of the dalai lama's advice on relationships could be useful here.

The main premise of his approach to relationships is analyzing their foundation.

If it's founded on sexual attraction ( which I'm sure it is not, entirely, for you ) then there are bound to be feelings of insecurity, as there are countless sexually attractive people out there to take our partner's attention.

If, however, it is based more fully on compassion, simply as two sentient beings with bodies, emotions and a mind, then the way you relate to her and her surroundings could become quite different.

That's something to meditate on, and if you really devote yourself to instilling the thought of compassion for her, things like her being close to her roommate will probably become insignificant to the overall scope of the relationship.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Chakra Shock] * 1
    #23981089 - 01/04/17 11:02 AM (7 years, 26 days ago)

This thread has a lot of love and good vibes in it :heart: :happyheart:

Thank you all for your advice


Quote:

Chakra Shock said:
Hey Anon,

I think some of the dalai lama's advice on relationships could be useful here.

The main premise of his approach to relationships is analyzing their foundation.

If it's founded on sexual attraction ( which I'm sure it is not, entirely, for you ) then there are bound to be feelings of insecurity, as there are countless sexually attractive people out there to take our partner's attention.

If, however, it is based more fully on compassion, simply as two sentient beings with bodies, emotions and a mind, then the way you relate to her and her surroundings could become quite different.

That's something to meditate on, and if you really devote yourself to instilling the thought of compassion for her, things like her being close to her roommate will probably become insignificant to the overall scope of the relationship.




Yes, our relationship is definitely founded on more than sexual attraction. I like this point of view and will think more about it, thanks for sharing.


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InvisibleSleepwalker
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23981735 - 01/04/17 03:33 PM (7 years, 26 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't.

They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.




Expressing your insecurities can be part of deeply trusting someone.

Maybe talking to her about this would help to make you feel more secure, hearing it from her own mouth.


Edited by Sleepwalker (01/04/17 03:35 PM)


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: Sleepwalker]
    #23982533 - 01/04/17 09:13 PM (7 years, 26 days ago)

Quote:

Sleepwalker said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
I don't *think* they have ever dated or hooked up but honestly I have never asked her. I don't really want to, because we have a good level of trust between us and I trust her completely. I don't want to ruin that and make her think that I don't.

They don't flirt with eachother, they seem to have more of a sibling-like relationship.




Expressing your insecurities can be part of deeply trusting someone.

Maybe talking to her about this would help to make you feel more secure, hearing it from her own mouth.



Maybe but you gotta know that once a woman knows what pushes your buttons or knows what makes you jealous, then she will do more of that to test and see if it still bothers you.

I would keep your insecurities to yourself if it isn't making you worry too much. But if you're losing sleep over it then yeah talk to her, but keep in mind if you let her know you are jealous of their friendship, she WILL test you in the near future to see how you handle yourself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will add a story of how I acted like an insecure fucktard with someone I really liked. This was after we had been dating for a few months, and just started being exclusive.

So I knew she had this guy friend from school who she had classes with and they would do homework and lab work together. He was a pretty tall, good looking, and muscular guy but he also had a girlfriend, but she was like 300 miles away so he wasn't faithful to her and definitely hooked up with other girls and everyone was aware of that. Well one night she cancelled her plans with me because "something came up" Not a big deal, I just chilled at home and had a relaxing night.

I asked her the next day what the big emergency was and she said she met this guy at a bar to have drinks because he was fighting with his girlfriend and "needed someone to talk to." Well I definitely showed it bothered me and it made me kind of jealous and she was well aware of that. But she assured me nothing happened and he was only a friend.

Fast forward about 3 weeks later. My great uncle passed away so I had to drive 200 miles to attend his funeral on a Saturday so that Friday I just wanted to stay home and get some rest so I wouldn't be tired while driving. So my girlfriend said she was just going to go out and have drinks with friends. A few hours into the night I get a few snapchats from her and it's only her and the guy "friend". I got probably 6 snaps of them doing shots so I knew she was getting drunk. I decided not to respond to her and just let her do her thing. Well 11:30ish rolls around and she calls 4 times in a row so I answer the phone reminding her I had to wake up early to drive to a funeral.

She said she just really needed to see me that night, so I agreed she could stop by but she couldn't stay long because I had to sleep. She showed up not as drunk as I expected and confessed that as he drove her home and parked his car, he started trying to make moves on her like grabbing the inside of her leg, trying to kiss her, etc. She got uncomfortable and went inside and when he left she came over to my house. She said she thought it would be ok getting drinks alone with him because he had a girlfriend and she never expected anything to happen. And while she was at my house he continued to text her and send her snaps of him in bed asking when she was coming over lol.

When she confessed this to me, that is how I knew she only went out with him that night to make me jealous and see how I would react. I'm guessing by her getting close to him and taking pictures with him, he got the idea she was interested and flirting with him. I mean I don't think it's too common for plutonic friends to go out and get drunk without the assumed outcome of hooking up? So because she just had to make me jealous, she put herself in a risky situation and lead a guy on who she said that night had a "rapey vibe"

Kind of a long story but it shows how women will do things just because they know it makes you jealous...


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OfflineThe Mycologist
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Re: Girlfriend's roommate... halp. [Re: FruitOfLife]
    #23982580 - 01/04/17 09:36 PM (7 years, 26 days ago)

I moved in with my gf at around a year.


--------------------
"That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.”
― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass
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