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Anonymous #1

severe depression and dissociation
    #23975034 - 01/02/17 05:08 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

I was sitting in a friend's car the other night trying to catch up. I was also changing apartments and he was helping me move. I'm so overwhelmed and it never seems to stop. I can't seem to ever talk about what's bothering me because it's too much to bare. I was molested have no family, most of my friends are in recovery and recur AA cliches. I carry this stigma of being chronically negative. I have literally not had a physically conscious moment in decades and just want to give up. Everytime I take small mushroom doses I cry and scream.


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InvisibleDualWieldRake
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Registered: 07/17/16
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23975047 - 01/02/17 05:25 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

Take on the mentality of a starved african ex child soldier.

There are possibly about as much positive things as negative to be found..
Focus on the first, should help.


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OfflineRollin.n.Strollin
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: DualWieldRake]
    #23975151 - 01/02/17 06:27 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

I understand the hard road you are explaining, not in the exact same perceptual conscious you do but I could say whe have been in the same boat before.

There shouldn't have to be a feeling of hopelessness inside. It is nothing more than an impurity in the system of your consciousness, as the above said, take into truthful self account of how bad you really are, become aware of it, if it is valid, think of how much worse it could be, there's always another thousand miles of earth under what you will call the sediment, or rock bottom.

Focus on how much better your life could be and make it happen, no one can help you more than yourself.


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Anonymous #1

Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Rollin.n.Strollin]
    #23975315 - 01/02/17 08:06 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

True, but where is myself? Dissociation is like not being here... like a walking talking shell that I can't inhabit because of fear. Years of waisted potential. Why didn't four years of therapy help?


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23975350 - 01/02/17 08:32 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
True, but where is myself? Dissociation is like not being here... like a walking talking shell that I can't inhabit because of fear. Years of waisted potential. Why didn't four years of therapy help?




Instead of being like a deer frozen in the headlights, get out of the path of oncoming traffic first.  Take a break, sit alongside the river and watch it flow.  Observe outside of you, and you won't matter as much.

Every moment is a moment to be a part of, possibly.  It starts with worry less about what might have been and what may be and just be where you are right now.  Fear of not being something isn't working so you may as well not bother with that.  Outside therapy isn't working so why keep going with that, no point. 

Simplify, purify, hot baths and warm nights sleeping.


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.


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InvisibleDualWieldRake
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23975513 - 01/02/17 09:46 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
True, but where is myself? Dissociation is like not being here... like a walking talking shell that I can't inhabit because of fear. Years of waisted potential. Why didn't four years of therapy help?




Years of waisted potential, or years of lessons that could prevent future fails?

If 4 years of therapy didn't work maybe 8 will, maybe 12...maybe just a week on top...but will be worth it no worries.

You are a walking, talking, eating, shitting, sleeping shell...aka human beeing, don't overthink it connect more to what makes you tick and avoid negativity


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OfflineIrukanji
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: DualWieldRake]
    #23975722 - 01/02/17 10:59 AM (7 years, 28 days ago)

Dont over think and live in each moment.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Irukanji]
    #23977915 - 01/03/17 02:54 AM (7 years, 27 days ago)

You're a unique person op, don't forget, it's the truth.


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #23982392 - 01/04/17 07:55 PM (7 years, 26 days ago)

Thanks people. Y'all think doing small doses alone is okay? It still scares me a lot, but I feel like there is a purpose behind it i.e. confronting myself which is so incredibly difficult considering. Life just gets super real and I start to feel extremely out of touch and unhealthy, and almost incapable of making decisions. All the voices in my head are no longer me anymore. They feel alien. I feel like I lose who I am.


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OfflineProzac
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23982661 - 01/04/17 10:19 PM (7 years, 25 days ago)

As someone who has battled with severe depression, I will say that it is best to let it out. Talk with someone. With us, like you are now. If you feel like you can't speak with anyone around you then talk to US. If you hold it in long enough... the depression will get worse. It will turn into anger. It will consume you. And then you'll reach your final breaking point. And there will be a 50/50 chance of... The little while I have been here at the Shroomery, I found that everyone here is an asshole, but when you need serious help, those same people will most definitely be there for you. I've been through what you have including the molestation. (God, bless those motherfuckers because nobody else will). It takes time, my friend. You don't take drugs to get rid of the pain. You take them to tolerate the pain. And you don't tolerate the pain. You embrace it and turn it into good. As for family, you have family here and there, right under your nose and you don't realize it. But you will.


--------------------
https://www.youtube.com/c/ExurbiA <<Check that out for puppy videos.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Prozac]
    #23984665 - 01/05/17 05:45 PM (7 years, 25 days ago)

Another good thing about talking to US is we are real people too , you're being heard, and there are no limits as there may be with others.... and light solo doses are the best way anyway imho.  for some.....

When you get time, could you please explain more about not having had a physically conscious moment.....


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #23989564 - 01/07/17 01:24 PM (7 years, 23 days ago)

Thanks again! I like to think I take small doses to try and feel or become more aware of my pain so I can tolerate my self better. I'm very spacey and lack my true identity. I'm a swirl of competing thoughts and hypervigileance. Like I spent the night with a girl and she had a kid that kept crying. I would wake up out of sleep... it's like heat pushing it's way up through my back. I'm very numb but it feels like a charge of electricity. I'm angry, or anxiety comes with it and I block it, and say I'm fine. I'm not fine. It's a horrible lie to say when I'm thinking of killing myself as often as I do because my brain will not release or process or be aware. I don't feel in control. I feel like I'm being controlled.

I was looking into doing some serious medicine work, apparently a lot of people call it doing ceremonies. I want to try and clear some of this up with a professional sitter or therapist or someone that understands what I'm going through. I got pissed at someone I was talking to because proximity is an issue and so is money. I have the medicine, whether it's mdma or mushrooms or acid or weed. They thought it would be best if I went back to a psychologist or get my life together first. I was like this is a total catch 22... I'm trying psychedelics because I am frozen in fear and it's not like this started happening a year ago. My sexual abuse started around the age of two. I have no foundation. My personality is one big act I can't seem to drop and I'm fucking sick of it and oh yeah, it's literally killing me.I


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23989651 - 01/07/17 02:04 PM (7 years, 23 days ago)

Ever think of iboga?  There's good work being done in Gabon, videos on YouTube and such, seem very friendly to travellers, deep personal healing work done, wonder if something this extreme could help you.


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #23989943 - 01/07/17 03:55 PM (7 years, 23 days ago)

I was more looking into aya and mushrooms and mdma one on ones. I think I just need to cry and shake a lot... possibly talk about my dreams and images that always come up from nightmares. It's hard to find someone in the know enough to process that sort of heaviness. I really think it would help me.


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Anonymous #1

Re: severe depression and dissociation [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23989962 - 01/07/17 04:02 PM (7 years, 23 days ago)

I realize its not a cure... but if i can feel my pain i can let it go.I


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