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Anonymous #1
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Prior best friend relational advice
#23971629 - 12/31/16 07:04 PM (7 years, 30 days ago) |
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So about 3 years ago I moved to another part of the country and didn't have many friends. After about a month of living in my 1br apartment, I met a dude who lived in the same neighborhood as me. We shared many similar interests, ideas, and morals. I really grew to love him as a person. He was a pot grower, and ran a grow at the time we met, and I ended up getting in to the business with him. We built a grow, a partnership, and solid friendship over the course of 6 months we spent pretty much every day together.
Well, things didn't exactly turn out so awesome on the growing side of things. Our relationship began to deteriorate. Neither of us were particularly good at compromise, and both of us let our ego and stress get in the way of the relationship. I was never disloyal, I never fucked him over in any way, I always had his back, and I even would still if I was in a situation where I had to.
Well he started to treat me like I was less than him, discrediting my ideas and opinions. This bothered me, but not nearly as bad as I was bothered by the fact that he constantly went behind my back slandering me. Calling me incompetent, selfish, and all sorts of other things. It got to be where pretty much every time I saw somebody they made a comment about what he had to say about me. It really hurt my feelings and I considered him a trusted friend. To this day I don't speak to him. We separated our business in a fair way that both of us accepted. But when I left I had no intention of connecting with him again or being friends.
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I opened up to him, let myself be vulnerable, and tried to have a wholesome relationship. It sucks, because I feel he exploited my sensitivity and empathy by making fun of me and slandering my name.
Even in spite of all that, I want to forgive him and be friends again. But I don't trust him nor do I trust his sincerity. I want my friendship back but I am the kind of person where I have been taken advantage of 1 to many times, and I am skeptical. Fuck me once, shame on you...fuck me twice, shame on me...sort of thing.
I'm basically having trouble deciding whether or not I should forgive him and try to fix our friendship, or forgive him and continue to go our separate ways. I miss my best friend out here, but I don't want to be the butt of anybody else's joke.
Its kind of embarrassing to talk about, as I am in a relationship with a woman I love a whole hell of a lot, but I miss the friendship I used to have. What I can't decide is whether or not its worth it to risk being hurt again. I might sound over sensitive, but I didnt have the warmest/fuzziest childhood so I have a lot of trust issues.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Prior best friend relational advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23971636 - 12/31/16 07:08 PM (7 years, 30 days ago) |
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The reason I posted this is because he texted me for the first time in a while tonight wishing me a happy new years. Kind of a petty text and thing to get all sentimental over I suppose, but it makes me feel like maybe he might miss what we had, cuz I know I sure do.
We had a bicycle day trip that really broke down all my defense barriers with him, and that was the first time I had opened up to another male in half a decade. It felt good, but now I question if it even meant anything.
I just want to know if I am a pussy who should just wise up and not go back to a friendship with somebody who clearly liked talking behind my back, or if I should do the jesus thing and turn the other cheek. It plagues me from time to time, especially tonight. Three years after the first time he lit me up
Edited by Anonymous (12/31/16 07:11 PM)
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fungusfun
Changeling



Registered: 10/15/16
Posts: 29
Loc: Virgo Supercluster
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Re: Prior best friend relational advice [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23971690 - 12/31/16 07:40 PM (7 years, 30 days ago) |
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First, let's get the Jesus stuff straight. None of the disciples shit talked the man. Denied, yes, but they didn't want to die, so that's a bit different. The other thing I would point out is that we have only 2 cheeks, well maybe 4. Morality doesn't play into this; He isn't family, he isn't a child, you have no moral obligation at all. Everything has only the meaning that you give it. That's not something most people want to hear but it is true. Did you open up because of who you were and where you were in life, or because of who this dude is? I'm sure it had much more to do with you than him, but only you can answer that.
I'm getting older now and the co-dependant crap is over for me. My buds hang with me cause they enjoy my company and visa versa. From what you explained it was like this:
You had someone to hang with and open up to and you paid for that by allowing a douchebag to crap on you. Kind of a John/prostitute relationship if you think about it.
I might sound cold, but that isn't my intention because I've dealt with this crap all through my 20's, which is the only reason I'm responding. I solved the problem by finding interests of my own, pursing those interests, and then finding people in those circles to hang with. The result is that I don't get shit on by losers and my friends don't make me pay for friendship. Do what you want, but take this into consideration
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Prior best friend relational advice [Re: fungusfun]
#23971708 - 12/31/16 07:49 PM (7 years, 30 days ago) |
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Thank you. That lines up with what my intuition is telling me. I appreciate the straightforward response. Like i said, I think it has to do with trauma in my childhood, but I have a knack for putting myself in positions to be taken advantage of. My response to that has been to shut down and isolate myself from people over the past 8 years or so. I came out of isolation to attempt to have a friendship and it didnt really work out like I wanted...but I know I can be a difficult person from time to time so I am not quite willing to accept that the relationship was not as wholesome as it seemed.
Just feel like maybe he deserves an excuse for shit talking because of my neurotic behavior from time to time.
But like I said, neurotic or not, I never did wrong by him.
I appreciate your input
Edited by Anonymous (12/31/16 07:52 PM)
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fungusfun
Changeling



Registered: 10/15/16
Posts: 29
Loc: Virgo Supercluster
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Re: Prior best friend relational advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23971773 - 12/31/16 08:26 PM (7 years, 30 days ago) |
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NP my friend. This is kind of interesting to me. I was also agoraphobic for 7'ish years (self diagnosed because I didn't want to leave the house to go to the psychiatrist). My 2 older brothers beat the shit out of me on the regular, so I know childhood issues too. My first foray into public life was to find some fellow nerds to play D & D with, and even though I was neurotic and suspicious, they didn't really care. After that I decided to jam with some fellow musicians. One thing led to another and now I'm in a cool perma-culture business project with a close friend.
Whatever your "thing" is, find other people doing it and you'll see your community was there all along.
Quote:
Just feel like maybe he deserves an excuse for shit talking because of my neurotic behavior from time to time.
When people talk shit to your face, they deserve an excuse from time to time. When they do it behind your back, they're passive/aggresive and have their own issues. Anyways, I'm out for the evening. Good luck, and respect yourself.
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DTCharlieB
yum yum fish.


Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 1,027
Loc: Yak attack
Last seen: 5 years, 8 months
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Re: Prior best friend relational advice [Re: fungusfun]
#23972588 - 01/01/17 09:39 AM (7 years, 29 days ago) |
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When you spend everyday with someone there's gonna some bickering and tension build up. Some people talk behind your back to vent. I'm not condoning it it's just the way it is. Spending everyday with someone is usually not a good idea and something like what happened to you usually ensues. I don't know all the details and don't like making assumptions on things like this. Some people have a hard time coming out and saying sorry but do so in other ways. That New Years text may or may not be his way of attempting to start to make things right. I personally tend to forgive people unless their actions are really heinous as I myself have said and done some things to people I regret. I spoke you just gotta do what you think is right and what you think is going to make you happy.
-------------------- I like lasagna.
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koods
Ribbit



Registered: 05/26/11
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Re: Prior best friend relational advice [Re: DTCharlieB]
#24019235 - 01/18/17 07:04 AM (7 years, 12 days ago) |
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OP your friend is totally passive aggressive. He's back in touch because his hostility has worn off. Next time he perceives you have done something to him, it will come back.
Lemme guess, your neurotic behavior involved you trying to figure out why he was constantly mad at you about shit but never getting a straight answer.
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NotSheekle said “if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”
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