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InvisibleAroundtheSon
Learning to See
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Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 4,427
Loc: Midwest.
Family.
    #23944049 - 12/20/16 05:15 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I am really kind of bent right now.

I have a great family. Very loving. Good solid parents. They work hard, are people of integrity, etc. Yeah, I was spoiled (not in a material sense), but with great parents. I recognize that is not a reality for some folks.

So. My brother recently got married. My mom called me a while back, and asked if I wanted to go to his inlaws house for Christmas dinner (on Christmas). Uh, they are great people too, but doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

Fast forward to today. My mom asks me again. I told her I was not planning on coming to Christmas, and my woman and I are going to hang around the house like bums. Of course, this broke her heart, and it breaks mine a little too. I love them, and like to be around them, but they are not MY inlaws. It is not OUR house. It is the first time "tradition" has really been obstructed. I am in my thirties.

I could be the man my mom wants me to be and just suffer through it. (BTW, I have to drive about 1.5 hours to go home, and can't actually go until Christmas morning because we are celebrating with my woman's family). Or, I could be kind of selfish and just spend Christmas with my gal (she is MY family).

For some reason, I am having a lot of guilt about this. I know I am a "man" (whatever the fuck that means) and can make my own decisions, but my decisions may hurt my mama.

I know how fortunate I am. I have a place to celebrate Christmas. I have a family to celebrate with. I have a home to celebrate in myself. I know, this is a first world problem...but I am really bent out about it.

I am kind of upset with my mom for changing tradition and trying to drag me along...but also feel a deep sense of loyalty towards them, and want to make her happy. I am also selfish, and it sounds like a shitty time and uncomfortable to me.

Anyone with words of wisdom for a young man learning? How do I be a man? Do I ever choose for myself based on my own selfish desires, or is being a man laying selfishness aside and pleasing others? Am I man when my family is dead and I have no one but myself to consider?

:shrug:


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Registered: 09/24/08
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Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944077 - 12/20/16 05:22 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Whatever you decide, it will be the norm forever. I'm telling you man, if you submit now you're going to submit year after year after year. Don't think of it as breaking your mama's heart, think of it as breaking her heart once so you don't shatter her heart in ten years when you explode and tell everyone to fuck off this christmas


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon] * 1
    #23944129 - 12/20/16 05:41 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

id be lucky to get invited to such things..

The way I see it, we may not be able to do such things like have Christmas with our mammas and papas or brothers and sisters again.. Might as well do it while we still can..

If peeps are inviting u to things, then that probably means they really want u there, maybe just ur presence will make their day better.. I don't know about u but I've never been one to refuse such invites, don't have the heart to, especially not from family, from those who took care of me and never let me go hungry, and especially if it was totally possible to attend them.. Cuz regrets hurt bro.. And ur mum was clearly hurt about it.. Just my three cents..


--------------------
https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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InvisibleBoomer The Great
Male
Registered: 10/30/14
Posts: 5,504
Re: Family. [Re: zZZz]
    #23944158 - 12/20/16 05:50 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

zZZz said:
id be lucky to get invited to such things..

The way I see it, we may not be able to do such things like have Christmas with our mammas and papas or brothers and sisters again.. Might as well do it while we still can..

If peeps are inviting u to things, then that probably means they really want u there, maybe just ur presence will make their day better.. I don't know about u but I've never been one to refuse such invites, don't have the heart to, especially not from family, from those who took care of me and never let me go hungry, and especially if it was totally possible to attend them.. Cuz regrets hurt bro.. And ur mum was clearly hurt about it.. Just my three cents..




Couldn't have said it better myself man.


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Offlinebloodsheen
ChemChaplin
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Registered: 09/24/08
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Re: Family. [Re: Boomer The Great]
    #23944215 - 12/20/16 06:07 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

So because a holiday that roughly 3/4 of the people on this website don't actually celebrate for its original purpose isn't enough of a reason for OP to drive 3 hours round trip to hang out with people he doesn't know nor care about, hes a cruel heartbreaker? He could go be with his mom any weekend on the calender, but that one pointless day where he'd be lost in a crowd of people he doesn't give a shit about is all important?

Obviously you guys haven't had families that were pointless assholes. You learn how much of a waste of time it is


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Family. [Re: bloodsheen]
    #23944294 - 12/20/16 06:33 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I just think why leave room for regret?..

If op don't got no regrets then fuck it :whatyougonnado:


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https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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InvisibleLe_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon] * 1
    #23944301 - 12/20/16 06:36 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Well, my take on this is never turn your back on free food. So what if it gets boring to you hanging out with them.


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InvisibleRepertoire89
Cat
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Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944529 - 12/20/16 08:07 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I would go if it were a holiday to me, but I dont celebrate jesusday


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Offlinespirit_shadow
Feature not a bug
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Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,674
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Re: Family. [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23944541 - 12/20/16 08:18 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Take your girl with you. Problem solved :thumbup:


--------------------
ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011
Ban lotto


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944588 - 12/20/16 08:44 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Jeez that's cold.  My brother is "travelling" this christmas instead of spending it with us, but he is bitter and selfish.  I'm sure your family wont think that tho :smirk:

Just do something to ensure you won't get invited back if you hate spending time with your family so much.  Lemme know if you need suggestions.


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InvisibleSenor_Doobie
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Registered: 08/11/99
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Loc: Trump Train
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944603 - 12/20/16 08:52 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

In the words of a wise old faerie, "Let your conscience be your guide."


--------------------
"America: Fuck yeah!" -- Alexthegreat

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”  -- Thomas Jefferson

The greatest sin of mankind is ignorance.

The press takes [Trump] literally, but not seriously; his supporters take him seriously, but not literally. --Salena Zeto (9/23/16)


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OfflineLucisM
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944615 - 12/20/16 09:01 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

AroundtheSon said:
For some reason, I am having a lot of guilt about this. I know I am a "man" (whatever the fuck that means) and can make my own decisions, but my decisions may hurt my mama.






Don't worry about hurting your mom, you're not being malicious/mean in anyway, but you have to have your own life, and she needs to respect your boundaries, if she tries to guilt trip you then she's being manipulative and controlling which is not cool, she needs to understand that you have your life with your lady, and things aren't always going to be how they used to be when you were a young buck, that's part of growing up, no worries my brethren.

She has to accept the way your relationship is going to be from now on, you know things change when you're in a serious relationship, and if she really loves you without conditions, then she should see you're happy and trying to live your life, and just be grateful for the times she does get to spend with you, hopefully the time apart will make the times spent together more meaningful.


Parents will sometimes try to guilt their kids into hanging out, which is not cool, and not healthy, as long as you're not being rude, you're in the clear, she HAS to respect your boundaries.

Also, don't spread yourself to thin over the holidays, meaning don't try to do to much by pleasing everyone, this can wear you down and make you sick, and put stress on your relationship with your lady.

Family should understand, if your mom really cares, she shouldn't be hurt.


--------------------
©️


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944624 - 12/20/16 09:04 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

:hahthatscute: your mom must be a pushover


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InvisibleRepertoire89
Cat
Male


Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944625 - 12/20/16 09:05 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I disagree, your parents and children should typically be priority number 1 on this holiday, your SO 2, siblings etc 3
That may vary depending on your actual relations but that seems to be the general trend

Dont spurn your parents on a relatively rare occasion just to avoid a short drive, its not like its every day


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OfflineLucisM
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: Family. [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23944646 - 12/20/16 09:13 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Repertoire89 said:

Dont spurn your parents on a relatively rare occasion just to avoid a short drive, its not like its every day





Spurn is such a harsh word though, like I said as long as you're not being rude, there will come a time in peoples lives where they have to choose between their family, and their future family, meaning sometimes you have to choose to make memories with your spouse, over memories with your family, and I think nothing is wrong with that.


If a parent is being manipulative, then you're only feeding the beast to go along with it, and saying that type of behavior is OK.


--------------------
©️


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944649 - 12/20/16 09:15 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

depends on the parents on guess, i mean we don't know op's mom..


--------------------
https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Registered: 07/01/05
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Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944650 - 12/20/16 09:15 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

What the fuck kind of world do you live in?  "if parents are being manipulative" :ahahaha: do you even have a mom?


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InvisibleRepertoire89
Cat
Male


Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944653 - 12/20/16 09:16 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

You should never have to choose between your children and parents, its one group

Unless theyre scum :shrug: that does happen

Since its such a short drive and a holiday, with no real reason not to go...


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OfflineChakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
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Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944659 - 12/20/16 09:20 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

How are the inlaws, and the rest of your family? It's gonna be an environment of love and gathering, so everyone's thrown in the mix together, but maybe ( as others said ) ur presence will be uplifting to them, particularly if you have a real groovy catch on cosmic consciousness.

Clearly the shroomery is saying go! :crankey: in the name of being shroomy around people who aren't used to it!!


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OfflineLucisM
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: Family. [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23944665 - 12/20/16 09:23 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

moonrockmushy said:
What the fuck kind of world do you live in?  "if parents are being manipulative" :ahahaha: do you even have a mom?




I get what you're saying, yes moms can be manipulative, but if you have been around a parent that is flat out abusive in doing so, then it's not easily tolerated, and best avoided.


Quote:

zZZz said:
depends on the parents on guess, i mean we don't know op's mom..




True.


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©️


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
High on Spite
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Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944676 - 12/20/16 09:28 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

He started out saying how lucky he is to have his parents and how much they mean to him.

I don't care OP can go scuba diving in Australia with my brother, have fun.  I'm going to make a little bit of effort for the people who have always been there for me no matter what.


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InvisibleSenor_Doobie
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Posts: 22,678
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Re: Family. [Re: Lucis]
    #23944678 - 12/20/16 09:30 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Seriously, just listen to your gut.


--------------------
"America: Fuck yeah!" -- Alexthegreat

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”  -- Thomas Jefferson

The greatest sin of mankind is ignorance.

The press takes [Trump] literally, but not seriously; his supporters take him seriously, but not literally. --Salena Zeto (9/23/16)


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
Re: Family. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #23944732 - 12/20/16 09:46 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

i wouldn't go to christmas at my brother's in-laws if they invited me.  i've said all of a handful of words to his wife's father, and none to her mother.  don't allow any guilt to build from what these happy-holiday-fools are sharing with you.  do what you want.  hell, even compromise to do normal family things on a different day.  the 25th is just another day; the same meaning your mom is applying to it, could be applied to the 26th just as easily


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Registered: 09/24/08
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Re: Family. [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #23944746 - 12/20/16 09:51 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

moonrockmushy said:
He started out saying how lucky he is to have his parents and how much they mean to him.

I don't care OP can go scuba diving in Australia with my brother, have fun.  I'm going to make a little bit of effort for the people who have always been there for me no matter what.



You sound so objective and unattached to this issue, its very refreshing


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Family. [Re: bloodsheen]
    #23944752 - 12/20/16 09:55 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

what do u think op?, would ur mom be very appreciative if u showed up?..

or is she just trying to show u off?..


--------------------
https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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InvisibleAroundtheSon
Learning to See
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Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 4,427
Loc: Midwest.
Re: Family. [Re: zZZz]
    #23946356 - 12/21/16 03:06 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Thanks for all the input. I see, as usual, there is no clear way except that I choose for myself (everyone has different thoughts and feelings).

I am slightly relieved that I went to their house last weekend to see my sister - feels like we already celebrated to some extent.

These are not the kind of folks I only see once a year - we are close, and it is not uncommon for us to meet once a month or every other.

I will meditate on your thoughts and try to feel comfortable making a decision.

Thanks for chiming in on this. :heartpump:


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