I'm gonna start this post off by saying this post is mostly just for me. Sure, I'd appreciate advice, or words of encouragement, but when it comes down to it, I need to make this post to organize myself and my thoughts.
So as many of you know, my wife and I are happily married and have been for some time. She is the single most important thing to me in all my life, she has shown me the full depths of life, the full depths of love. She has helped me unlock depths and understandings within my self, and she has helped me grow and mature and become the woman I am today. And I feel that time is coming again.
A little back story, My wife is 4 years older than me, (I'm 23, she is 27) at the end of her 8 years of schooling, and is currently inturning at the job of her dreams. As absolutely happy as it makes me, as I look at all her success, I can't help but compare that with myself, an unemployed festival rat dreaming of becoming an author. And it hurts to say, but I just can't see what she sees in me, why she is keeping me around when she has everything she has ever wanted in her reach.
Sure, she loves the shows, and the festivals just as much as I do, but with her potentially getting a real job sometime soon, I can't help but wonder what the future holds. If I could, I would spend the rest of my life in Lala land going from one festival to another, but when it comes down to it, that's not important, she is what's important, the only thing that's important.
Now she hasn't said anything about it, but I feel like she is about to start winding down, and starting to think about settling down. And as much as it would hurt to sacrifice my festival lifestyle, I need to be there for her, and I need to be the woman she needs when she needs it.
Certain parts of this terrify me, especially parts I'm neglecting to mention, but as I've said she is my everything. I will not let anything separate us, myself least of all, and I refuse to be an obstacle for her that is holding her back when she has places to be.
I don't really know where I am going with think, like I said at the start, I just a needed a place to collect my thoughts and make them real my typing them out.
-------------------- God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are none so like him as ourselves. Want to join a cult? Click for details…
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Haha, I was actually thinking right before I got to the last line "Uh, where are you going with this?"
I think you're just scared. Change (or "growing up" as you called it) always make you question shit, like yourself and your relationships. If you actually think you can just become Mrs. Professional by willing yourself to do it, you're sorely mistaken. Just take it in stride, she fell in love with a festie kid and if she decides thats not her lifestyle anymore thats as much her fault as yours, if not more so
Easier said than done
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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I hate when you see things going a certain way, you can just feel that change is in the air and you know you gotta just hold on for dear life. Luckily for you this is something you can hold on to together. I think more than anything this reflects your self image and all I can think of is that she loves you. It's up to her to decide what your worth is to her, not you, and she clearly has some strong admiration and love for you if you are married. Don't be so hard on yourself. I feel like you need to work on yourself. It's not enough to be there for her, you need to be there for yourself and if you truly care about her you want her to see you at your best. Which is a confident you. Stop overthinking all this and just go with it or make some big moves to change whatever is your issue.
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