|
c1dh3d
The elephant is BACK



Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 5,229
Loc:
Last seen: 7 months, 19 days
|
Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery
#23938824 - 12/18/16 06:03 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
I want to preface this by saying that I have quit drinking for the last 3-4 months because it is making me more depressed, so when I speak later of toxic people I mean no disrespect to them for their habits, I just call them toxic because if your not drinking / sniffing your being a punk and get treated like shit.
Needless to say I haven't seen these friends for 3-4 months.
Where it started:
It really started when my dad told me for the first time ever, because I took a huge work / career leap to Engineer level in networking, that he was proud of me. After a lifetime of me being a drug addict, in and out of jail, and thief stealing their own cash or shit to pawn for drugs up until I was maybe 17, and after that I just got by with cooking jobs / partied my way out of college / drank every day.
So within maybe 2 weeks of my dad making it a point for me to know he is proud of me, I'm putting his casket in the ground, with all my family and few friends there letting me know if there is anything I need and blah blah blah. The most important people in my family who extended an offer to be there, wouldn't return a call or text from me that I sent days after, I'd leave a voicemail to my Uncle crying for him to call me back and his wife would text me a week later saying he was busy.
About 4 years later from burial, idiot brothers:
Skip almost 4 years into the future from his death, and my family is (and has been) in shambles, and I mean my immediate family. Both my brothers hate my mom because of the person she goes on dates with (he is kind of scummy but if he makes her happy fuck it), or because they thought she was a horrible mom and now that my dads gone they can be a prick.
So it's gotten to a point that me and one brother have stopped talking all together for about a month now because he is so disrespectful to me / my fiance / my mom that I can't stand him, and the other we email back and forth at work but when he goes home he liquors himself into a constantly evolving identity crisis (like thinking he is a marine, he leads the Chive, him and dr dre are friends that talk, lots of crazy shit).
And the worst part, is my mom thinks that I hate her as much as those two do, when I have no ill will towards her except expressing concern on how much she drinks like to the point she is shaking the next day and has a drink in the morning to calm her shakes.
The fiance, and the pressure of getting married:
Back to the fiance part, I proposed to my girlfriend about a year and a half ago as in my mind was a gesture that I want to keep you around but I didn't realize to her entire family it meant we need to plan a wedding right now. So she is now constantly pushing me towards at least setting a date, and I don't know why, but I can't commit to one. Whether it's because of our income differences and our student loans / debts, mixed with divorce horror stories if it doesn't work out down the line, and I find myself wondering 'Am I getting married cause I think it will make me happy?'
I feel like I should be happy before I go through something like getting married, and look at it as an enhancement to my happy life, rather than a possible escape from depression.
Planning to move to Colorado away from family, with Fiance:
I am also looking at moving away from my home state, all my family, as they are either all drinking or doing drugs constantly. Which I don't shame them for it at all, I'm just starting to care less if I OD or drink myself to death, so I feel like almost everyone in my life is toxic in this way (every friend and family member that I am close to). Except my fiance, she has been very supportive of my lows since my dad died, and doesn't do any drugs at all but has helped me through some heavy usage and withdrawals.
And there is no other way to say it, I work remotely at my job and believe they'll let me work out of state, however I am just running away from problems but I don't know if it's appropriate when your surrounded by toxic people.
About my current shit I do to take my mind off being a depressed pile of shit:
As for me, I work at home (remotely) doing high level network stuff, and I don't get out of the house much. It's hard to go out with just my fiance because she just rambles about facebook shit and baby pictures and her family and on and on, but I can't go out with anyone I know because all activities involve either cocaine or alcohol. And once I start drinking, I don't stop, I'll drink for 2 days straight without sleeping / call into work or quit my job / kill a 1.75 of whiskey in my 2 day bender without eating and smoking 8 packs of cigarettes.
My plan to run away from my family and problems, and start over:
So my idea was to move out of state to get away from the drinking and drug friends / family, bring my fiance with me, and see how we do when we are truly marooned in a state by ourselves before I set that wedding date. I feel like I need to be happy before I set that date, but I don't know how to feel happy outside my little bits of achievement.
I just spilled all of that and I don't know if I've painted a very accurate picture of how complex I feel my depression is. My family hates eachother, I am being beaten over the head for a wedding date, while I am so depressed I go cry to this day over the death of my dad because I so wish he was here to give me man to man advice like he used to.
Any input appreciated, one last depressing xmas tidbit, blah:
Any input or advice, I don't even know what I'm asking, I am just so depressed there are still tears rolling out of my eyes. I feel like guilt, like I could have saved my dad had I take him to the hospital when I saw him the day before he passed and he was like yellow, and that I am trying to keep my immediate family together and none of them are having it.
I asked every one of them what we are doing for xmas, and I don't think anything, and that is so fucking sad it rips my fucking heart of my chest and spikes it on the ground.
How does someone turn the ship on depression spiraling toward wanting to end it and suicidal thoughts starting to become a more reasonable way to make it stop and to stop the sadness my family weighs on my heart.
EDIT:
I originally made this anonymous cause its so embarrassing to talk about for me, but I would rather people know me (if they do), to know my backgroud and who I am.
|
zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
|
Re: Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery [Re: c1dh3d]
#23938920 - 12/18/16 06:45 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
rip to ur dad 
Sounds like u do need to get away for awhile, I think ur whole family could use a break from each other. Myself, I believe in family and sticking together and what not, but I also understand that some families may not get along and well I think everyone deserves their space. No point In doing something that obviously isn't working.. Sometimes u need to tweak ur life up a bit, make sum changes, do what you gotta do to get it working again.
|
Lucis
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
|
Re: Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery [Re: zZZz] 1
#23938993 - 12/18/16 07:28 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
Quote:
zZZz said: rip to ur dad 
Sounds like u do need to get away for awhile, I think ur whole family could use a break from each other.
Families can bounce their problems off of each other, it's normal for this to happen, but you don't want to make your family members burdens your own, you can offer advice, but be careful you don't pick up their load for them. If I was in your shoes I would move to CO before you do anything, before you're married, anything man, get to some place new where you don't have the other peoples expectations beating you down, it's your life, you have to live it, and it can often be hard to remember this if you're a people pleaser, but being a people pleaser will only beat you down, remember the saying "a friend to all, is a friend to no one" you can't please everyone, so figure our what fat you can trim from your load, and keep moving forward.
I would wait on all other decisions until after you're established in CO, sometimes a move to a different area can really help clear your mind, and everything will fall into place after that. You sound like you're trying to take on to much, and don't have a healthy support system to deal with your numerous stresses. One thing at a time man, things will seems overwhelming now, but if you put in the proper work you'll look back on these times and see them as learning experiences, I know that sounds like some cheesy shit to say, but it's true I think.
-------------------- ©️
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
Re: Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery [Re: c1dh3d]
#23939160 - 12/18/16 08:49 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
I'm sorry you and your family have been through so much shit with each other. But you gotta take care of you. Sadly the only person we can save more often than not is ourselves. And it must be by focusing oon ourselves.
I recommend you do move. Get some space. Have some time. Think things through. You definitely don't want to get married right now.
It is traditional to get married about a year after engagement. But fuck tradition and your (possible) future in laws expectations. Tradition has fucked enough people over.
Bottom line is I think you've realized you are in a highly toxic volatile environment and you need to remove yourself from that environment. You can hope that you making the effort for positive changes will motivate others to do the same but in the end you have to think of you and how you can be okay. You won't do anyone any favors by sitting and stewing in misery with them.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
DoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body


Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country
Last seen: 12 days, 3 hours
|
Re: Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#23939666 - 12/19/16 02:40 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
I hope you make it man. Good advice up there. Do you think, you are supposed to be learning.? Try to use these tough times to grow. When you make it through this stuff, you will be even more b'dass.
Thank you, for your post. It was tough to read about your dad. I'm worried about my dad. Gonna be tough when he goes. We all go through it almost. It's okay to miss someone, and you have a big heart, I can tell. That's good, and may be rarer than you think. You are a success in my book, by hanging in there during this near constant struggle. Don't give up.
-------------------- This was an experiment.
|
c1dh3d
The elephant is BACK




Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 5,229
Loc:
Last seen: 7 months, 19 days
|
Re: Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery [Re: DoneKildatReason]
#23939807 - 12/19/16 07:35 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
Thank you all for your condolences and advice, I really appreciate it. I did decide after pouring my heart into that post, that my next course of action is to ride out this lease, and move to CO to get a fresh perspective on life.
At this time I plan to take the fiance with me, cause she is just about as perfect, but she has a hard time not staring at FB on her phone (ugh) and then showing me pictures of complete strangers and telling me stories about them all day. I am hoping moving her completely out of her element will rewire some things in hear head too.
I've moved several times before, and each time I felt a huge burden off my chest when I got to my destination, however I've not had to do it under such awful circumstances so hopefully it is a step in the right direction to leaving all this shit behind me.
Again thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate it!
|
WingedWatcher


Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 202
Last seen: 26 days, 8 hours
|
Re: Crushing, overwhelming depression, to the point I just want to be put out of my misery [Re: c1dh3d]
#23939904 - 12/19/16 09:00 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
Sorry to hear about your troubles man. I don't post here much, but I've been reading this site forever and I enjoyed reading your posts over the years.
It will sound generic a bit, but if you can practice some sort of hobby, that can be a real motivator to continue in life and get a break from all the bullshit.
It looks to me like you have a head on your shoulders and that you're really making your best to get this shit fixed. You can't do anything more than your best!
Sincerely,
WW
|
|