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Anonymous #1
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Sometimes I think i am legit insane
#23937432 - 12/18/16 08:49 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Ive always been a depressed kind of person, even as a child. Ive had a few periods in my life where things were pretty good and i was happy but most of it has been pretty shit.
I make the same mistakes time and time again. I feel like my mind is doing battle with itself. I hate everything about myself, feel hopeless, dumb, useless and indifferent to everyone and everything. Then i feel like im awesome, intelligent creative unique, incredibly hopeful. Even durring those times i can still feel the depression/self-hatred deep down laying dormant waiting to come out.
I flip flop on how i feel about people in my life and the world as well.
I can be incredibly selfless and then incredibly selfish. The nicest person and then the meanest fucking cunt around. When im upset and angry i can really be the worst person ever. If you piss me off i will take things to a really nasty personal level, i will destroy you. Ive been described as having an acid toungue. I dont need anyone or anything but i cant stand being isolated and alone...go figure
Probably bipolar... I feel useless and want to die often. But for some reason the primal will to live/survive is too strong in me and i just cant kill myself. So instead i do stupid reckless things that just serve to make me feel worse. Im my own worst enemy 100%
Just venting here...
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sudly
Darwin's stagger


Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,810
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23938714 - 12/18/16 05:14 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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No one's going to fix you but you, believe there is good and bad in each day and appreciate that you have the chance to live your life in such a hostile universe.
If you're going to the extremes of being nice then angry maybe you are expressing hypomanic bipolar tendencies which are essentially just mood swings. Being aware of that and accepting it is a behaviour you've developed can really help to develop new ones where you can catch yourself before jumping into intense emotions.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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Lucis
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#23939000 - 12/18/16 07:31 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: Ive always been a depressed kind of person, even as a child. Ive had a few periods in my life where things were pretty good and i was happy but most of it has been pretty shit.
I make the same mistakes time and time again. I feel like my mind is doing battle with itself. I hate everything about myself, feel hopeless, dumb, useless and indifferent to everyone and everything. Then i feel like im awesome, intelligent creative unique, incredibly hopeful. Even durring those times i can still feel the depression/self-hatred deep down laying dormant waiting to come out.
I flip flop on how i feel about people in my life and the world as well.
I can be incredibly selfless and then incredibly selfish. The nicest person and then the meanest fucking cunt around. When im upset and angry i can really be the worst person ever. If you piss me off i will take things to a really nasty personal level, i will destroy you. Ive been described as having an acid toungue. I dont need anyone or anything but i cant stand being isolated and alone...go figure
Probably bipolar... I feel useless and want to die often. But for some reason the primal will to live/survive is too strong in me and i just cant kill myself. So instead i do stupid reckless things that just serve to make me feel worse. Im my own worst enemy 100%
Just venting here...
You sound like 99% of the world.
People have this image in their mind that to be "normal" means they not supposed to have strange thoughts, or do strange things, which is not the case, being "normal" is pretty fucking strange. Everyone's life has ups and downs, such is life, don't be to harsh on yourself.
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rogue_pixie
faerydae



Registered: 07/28/04
Posts: 3,977
Loc: UK
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23939821 - 12/19/16 07:45 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hey man,
It could be Borderline Personality Disorder. Sounds more like it than bipolar. I know a fair bit about it because I suspected I had it myself for a long while. When I went to see a psychotherapist she said that I definitely had traits of it, but was too self-reflective to be given the diagnosis. We only had two sessions though as I found it too traumatic. Psychological diagnosis is just a label though anyway. It helps some people but not others. I personally think they're very useful. But you are not insane, just deeply sensitive by the sounds of it.
I experience the exact same extremes in emotion. I often either feel awesome and madly elated, or like complete shit. My emotions controlled me for a long time and I would often say hurtful things I didn't mean to the people I was closest to. I was regularly accused of being 'insane' and 'paranoid' which was cruel and unhelpful. I think certain people are more susceptible to experiencing extremes in emotions and it's very difficult not to let emotions take a hold when you are feeling things so intensely. People who have experienced childhood trauma are more likely to develop BPD and have larger amydalae. Psychopaths, on the other hand, have more shallow emotions and have smaller amygdalae. It is likely you are suffering from VERY REAL neurobiological differences and you shouldn't blame yourself.
I don't know how old you are but the good news is that you do seem to mellow out a bit as you age. The intense emotions don't tend to control me as much anymore because I can now step back and see them for what they really are. I used to think that my emotions were me, but they're not really you, they're just fleeting chemical reactions. I am still very depressed myself, but I feel less enslaved to my emotions because I can step back from them. I'd also suggest seeing a therapist. I know I need to face my demons and go back to a psychotherapist at some point. In my opinion, everyone would benefit from regular therapy throughout their lives.
-------------------- "Whatever you do, you need to keep moving. Because when you stop moving you die (physically and emotionally). Good luck and blessings of happiness and fortune." ~ RandalFlagg RIP
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Spiralspider
Bigguy

Registered: 06/20/16
Posts: 223
Last seen: 2 months, 29 days
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: Lucis]
#23940118 - 12/19/16 11:20 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Fennario said:
You sound like 99% of the world.
People have this image in their mind that to be "normal" means they not supposed to have strange thoughts, or do strange things, which is not the case, being "normal" is pretty fucking strange. Everyone's life has ups and downs, such is life, don't be to harsh on yourself.
yeah I agree on this one. all the people who dont take risks and and live "normal" lifes, are just faking. I mean, they can have an healthy life but they are not safe from strange thoughts and ups and downs. You as a person is what defines what are you looking for: or some exciting things in your life or stability to your days. But this is a strange world: maybe try to be more accepting towards others
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 13 hours, 7 minutes
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: Lucis]
#23941363 - 12/19/16 07:14 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Fennario said:
People have this image in their mind that to be "normal" means they not supposed to have strange thoughts, or do strange things, which is not the case, being "normal" is pretty fucking strange. Everyone's life has ups and downs, such is life, don't be to harsh on yourself.
Great point.
This fantasy we have of what "normal" is causes us a lot of grief!
Almost everyone thinks something is wrong with them.
As the saying goes, "The only thing that's wrong with me is I think something is wrong with me."
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#23941804 - 12/19/16 09:39 PM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Its interesting to hear different povs, appreciate all the thoughtful input from everyone.
There's of course a lot more going on with me than the few paragraphs in my op, i could go on for hours. I do believe my particular situation is a bit unique in some ways though not completely. Which im not gonna tell my life story here.
A gf of mine had bpd. I was with her for almost ten tumultuous years. People rub off on one another a whole lot after that long. I definitely lost my mind trying to make her happy and picked up a lot of bad emotional traits. I became a drug addicted, emotionally weak neurotic wreck.
She wanted pills so i got her pills to keep her happy, encouraged her to stop countless times and eventually went along for the ride. Of course it all spiraled out of control like it seems to with drugs. By trying to make her happy i destroyed both of us.
The terrible fights we had. They were so predictable, set your clock kinda predictable. She was always the instigator, always so cruel and cold. You never met such a cold spiteful person. I could tell so many enraging stories.
She was always the mean one and i always retaliated verbally because i was hurt. Now i feel like im the mean one. Being with her has made me into a person i never wanted to be. The other night i was at a real low.then i got drunk and just started freaking out. I was so isolated, angry alone and feeling hopeless like i wanted to die.
Me and my gf have been separated for some time now but i still have been talking to her and seeing her on ocassion. Long story short i left some really shitty texts while i was psychotic and drunk. There were talks months back of getting a place together but we both knew that wasnt happening.
I feel bad that i hurt her but i don't feel a loss other than just missing having someone to talk to once in a while.
Honestly i cant blame her. Being with her ruined me but it was my choice. I believe i never left her for good before because i have/had really bad anxiety. Like she was all i could do and i was afraid to leave
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yogabunny
fancy cat



Registered: 11/01/09
Posts: 11,281
Loc: Nasty Women Get Shit Done
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Re: Sometimes I think i am legit insane [Re: RJ Tubs 202] 1
#23942758 - 12/20/16 09:02 AM (7 years, 1 month ago) |
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Agreed!
In fact, I think it is actually NORMAL to have extreme emotions and existential crises. It's NOT normal to just mindlessly follow the status quo, do what you're told and expected to do without ever questioning a damn thing <--- that is mental illness to me.
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