|
Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
|
Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#24028232 - 01/21/17 01:29 PM (7 years, 9 days ago) |
|
|
They pass out bee boxes where I'm at that you can hang around your property and on the prison property they have yooge white bee boxes with shitloads of bees. They're pretty active about keeping them around in these parts. Lots of people have boxes on the corners of their property. Of course I can't have one because I'm stuck in an apartment
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
|
LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
|
Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#24028958 - 01/21/17 07:03 PM (7 years, 9 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
CookieCrumbs said:
Quote:
LunarEclipse said: Thunderstorm asthma, LOL. What next? I mean, it's not funny when people get poisoned, and die, but that explanation? The power structure gets away with it because people are too stupid and self absorbed to even notice, care, or begin to connect a few dots.
Thunderstorm asthma... Do I even want to know?
That shit irritates me too. Every so often someone will comment on the turtles or the fish or the lady bugs and how they remember they used to see so much more (imo the one that has declined the most is bumble bees but no one is going to complain about less bees) so then, me being a conservation nut, I tell them about this stuff. And I almost always get the same reactions. Either the "okay cool" response where they don't get it or actively disbelieve it or I get a conversation or denial where I can see they are trying to discredit or forget everything I just said. Cuz that shit is scary.
It's like pretending there's not a bear in your house cuz it's scary to think about. Can't ignore it forever and sooner or later it's going to hurt you. I've told people very similar things and they look offended 
I'm glad I didn't finish school and go into conservationism cuz I'm pretty sure I'd be looking for the best way to kill myself right now.
Not that I sometimes don't anyway but at least that's not a serious threat. Yet.
These things you don't learn about in school. In fact, it's knucklehead academics that can even dream up some BS term like "thunderstorm asthma" to describe the after effects of whatever the spray was spread out that day that made thousands sick and killed some too.
Anyway, there's a lot of things going on, the job of most academics is to either obfuscate or to not say anything. I probably know too much, and care too much as well.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
Edited by LunarEclipse (01/21/17 07:09 PM)
|
KetBom
Stranger



Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 64
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
|
|
Yeah i can feel the shit winds blowing, i dont want to go outside for fearing of being covered in shit. Cant find a job thats not shit. This worlds shit. Shit i hate this shit.
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
Re: The Official [Re: KetBom]
#24038448 - 01/25/17 11:46 AM (7 years, 5 days ago) |
|
|
As much as RJ irritates me with his philosophy sometimes he is right in that like 99% of life and succeeding in it is all a mental game.
I've personally learned a long time ago that there is always something in life you appreciate.
But depression often numbs the ability to appreciate so you have to appreciate harder until your rubber band in the brain snaps and you stop giving so many shits about the shitty shit.
Care to share what's up with your job issue? are you young? I didn't get my first "real job" until I was 22. And tbh they were taking anyone that could pass a drug test
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
KetBom
Stranger



Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 64
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
|
|
Im 27, my problem is i dont care to work a job im not interested in. But theres always shit winds in my mind blowing telling me i need this n that. But without a job i cant afford this n that. I have shit winds blowing telling me im a loser for not doing a job and doing all the shit wind things in life. Shit im quite happy living off the shit winders tax money, but the shit winds are making me feel bad for it. Im trying to do the earth a favor by not contributing to its destruction. I dont fit in and ive given up trying to. Theres no one that can help me, i know why i feel like shit. The way things are is shit, thats why i feel shit. I either hurt myself physically or mentally working a job to attain money so i can have more than i need. When i can just live of peoples money that want to pay taxes. Im unhappy because i have to deal with these thoughts that i need more to be "happy". This reality we live in is shit, anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is delusional :p ive been jobless for a year, in this time i applied for 2 jobs that i could be happy doing. Didnt get either by the looks, shit world we live in when you send someone a job application , even ring them up and leave a message to get no reply whatsoever. Fuck this shitty world. ive tried to hard and got nothing in return but a sore back and a bunch of shit i ended up selling once i realise it wasnt what i was looking for. Im most happy when im close to death.
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
Re: The Official [Re: KetBom]
#24038938 - 01/25/17 03:19 PM (7 years, 5 days ago) |
|
|
See if you go and look on the last page (and skim my ramblings) you'll see we have similar problems. I think alot of people feel as we do. We aren't in love with money and because of that we can't be happy with any old job. And I personally have too many guilt issues to be on welfare. So I'm stuck working jobs I hate.
Strangely enough I don't hate my work. I do location research using satellite imagery and the world wide web. What I hate is office life and corporate regulations which make me anxious and often interfere with my job. I hate that my boss doesn't know a thing about my job and talks over me and expects things that can't be done. I hate that because my coworkers want more money they kiss his ass and do the job incorrectly because they know he doesn't know better, they know the only thing he gets a hard on for is production numbers.
120% production rate = promotion 50% of that production being done wrong? ah who cares.
And there's the constant threat of them putting my job offshore. If they did then they would keep me in the company and put me back on policy issuance. Which is basically data entry and something that makes me want to stab myself in the face with a ballpoint pen.
I am very proud of my work and putting this team together. But I get no recognition and it feels like no one appreciates you if you don't kneel down and lick their boots. I'm not proud anymore. I hate these people. Not as people... I hate what the system has made them into. And most of them are just as if not more miserable than me.
What a broken system. I also don't like being cooped up for 8 hours a day and not being allowed to help make directions for the team, the team I basically run, or the department because it "isn't my job." when I'm really the only one that would know what would be best.
So I'm hoping to use it to get a leg up into ecological conservation environmental mapping. Or perhaps maybe getting into my own business of prospecting. But it's really hard not to succumb to depression and realize I'm stuck in this shithole as much as anyone else is.
Blah.
It's not entirely true. I know a few people who own and work for their own business. Is there anything you think you could open up to doing yourself?
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
|
|
I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in terms of my career and what I have to offer. It's the same feeling as having a car that won't start but you have no idea what is wrong with it and so can't start fixing it. But with a timer running..
I want to crack my head open and crawl out of my body like it's a dirty, wet pair of overalls and take a spiritual shower. Like a butterfly breaking out of it's cocoon. It's like being in a full body iron maiden and it sucks.
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
|
KetBom
Stranger



Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 64
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
|
|
Yeah im interested in conservation work. Applied for a job at a nursery that supplies plants for revegetation .
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
Re: The Official [Re: KetBom]
#24040702 - 01/26/17 08:46 AM (7 years, 4 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Amanita86 said: I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in terms of my career and what I have to offer. It's the same feeling as having a car that won't start but you have no idea what is wrong with it and so can't start fixing it. But with a timer running..
I want to crack my head open and crawl out of my body like it's a dirty, wet pair of overalls and take a spiritual shower. Like a butterfly breaking out of it's cocoon. It's like being in a full body iron maiden and it sucks.

Quote:
KetBom said: Yeah im interested in conservation work. Applied for a job at a nursery that supplies plants for revegetation .
That's pretty cool. I wish jobs like that were open to me but I just can't do physical labor 8 hours a day. Or at all some days.
You know everyone or almost everyone in the market has to settle and downgrade. And it's simply because the market can't keep up with the population. Nature always balances itself and overpopulation and technology is going to kill capitalism or capitalism is going to kill overpopulation. ...after severe depressions for at least a generation or 2.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
Last seen: 11 months, 22 days
|
|
Quote:
Amanita86 said: I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in terms of my career and what I have to offer. It's the same feeling as having a car that won't start but you have no idea what is wrong with it and so can't start fixing it. But with a timer running..
I want to crack my head open and crawl out of my body like it's a dirty, wet pair of overalls and take a spiritual shower. Like a butterfly breaking out of it's cocoon. It's like being in a full body iron maiden and it sucks.
I have no real worth your time advice to give out, but I get you man
On your car analogy, if you have no idea how to fix your car then find someone who can. Have you thought of going to a career councillor?
Also I've posted here in the summer. I do not feel so shitty about myself anymore
--------------------
"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
|
So like as some of you guys know I have a borderline personality. Which I know seems like a horrible terrible awfully flawed trait in a mod. But those of you that do know me know that I keep my shit under wraps most of the time. I don't let half my feelings become thoughts and I don't let half my thoughts become actions and when shit is okay all of that is pretty well controlled.
But sometimes, every now and then, it's not. And I think most people would break at some point when I break. I also think I don't break when other people would (and coincidentally that repression apparently develops into mental illness. It's kinda fucking funny that not freaking out is how I end up being fucked up and freaking out.) I wasn't doing super well.
I was stressed as hell. I was depressed. I was more anxious than anything. Having severe panic attacks. I got into a fight with my lady friend last night and now I'm manic as fuck. Me yet not me. I don't mind it, I don't give many shits when I'm like this. But I tend to do things I later regret when I get like this. My back also hurts and that's been pissing me off. Is irritability part of mania? I don't remember. I feel like I could/should flip tables. But that would probably hurt my back more 
I desperately want life to change and I'm trying to push it into changing and I feel like that desperation is going to cause me to make a major "life" mistake.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
goldcaphunter
EMS Medic



Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 7,432
Loc: Massachusetts
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
|
|
When I get manic I post bullshit everywhere on here. I'm glad this community isn't a stranger to mental illness and no one really gets mad at me just let it out
--------------------
  The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos
|
xzylocybin
Stranger



Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 2,304
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
|
|
I am also in a state of mania after being depressed as fuck and haven't eaten in two days (not because of drugs just depression idk)
The way your are explaining your cycle of dealing with shit/depression/blowing up ect. reminds me a lot of how my brain has been functioning the last ten or so years (or not functioning) not sure how common that is.
Take it or leave it but right now the universe is telling me that you should try Jiu Jitsu.
Edited by xzylocybin (01/27/17 05:32 PM)
|
RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 14 hours, 24 minutes
|
Re: The Official [Re: KetBom]
#24044730 - 01/27/17 05:37 PM (7 years, 3 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
KetBom said:
Im 27, my problem is i dont care to work a job im not interested in.
That's like saying I don't want to wash clothes or do the dishes or change my child's diaper.
It's called internal resistance - the "It sucks" dis ease of the mind.
A job gives you food eat, clothes, and shelter. Beware of looking for happiness in your job.
Or in anything outside yourself for that matter!
Quote:
KetBom said:
Fuck this shitty world. ive tried to hard and got nothing in return but a sore back and a bunch of shit .
Don't look to the world to be happy. That's the road to hell.
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
|
Quote:
xzylocybin said: I am also in a state of mania after being depressed as fuck and haven't eaten in two days (not because of drugs just depression idk)
The way your are explaining your cycle of dealing with shit/depression/blowing up ect. reminds me a lot of how my brain has been functioning the last ten or so years (or not functioning) not sure how common that is.
Take it or leave it but right now the universe is telling me that you should try Jiu Jitsu.
You know I don't really feel like I have a disorder. I have a poorly understood personality type that has manifested into... Unfavorable cycles due to a foundation of instability. I honestly love my personality. But I really need nice solid ground to stand on. I hate how the word "triggered" has become a stupid meme. Anyone with mental illness or trauma know that "triggered" is a very real and very serious thing.
I wanna say my fight last night triggered the mania but I cycle through it every so often anyway so maybe not. I know it triggered some not so nice ideas. I think sometimes the fact I fight the depression so hard is why I get into manic cycles. I have all this energy, bad or not, when I have had 0 energy and came home exhausted and sick every night this week.
maybe I'll come back and read this when I can think more clearly and make more sense of it.
As for Jiu Jitsu man I would absolutely love to get into a martial art. I couldn't handle the training tho. Health sucks too much. I was teaching myself tai chi a few years ago and I really liked it. The motions and smooth transitions did both my mind and body good. But I had an episode of bad health (and coinciding depression) and stopped and now I don't have the room to do it.
I'd love to get a personal trainer to help pace me into it. That's a big problem I have in any physical activity. I forget I'm not a "normal" person with a "normal" body and take on more than I'm ready to handle. I have to underestimate myself to keep from overestimating myself and that doesn't often help the self worth issues.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 14 hours, 24 minutes
|
|
Quote:
CookieCrumbs said:
I have a poorly understood personality type that has manifested into... Unfavorable cycles due to a foundation of instability.
You see yourself as significantly different than other people?
Don't you think that type of egotistic grandiosity fuels misery?
Quote:
CookieCrumbs said:
Anyone with mental illness or trauma know that "triggered" is a very real and very serious thing.
Anyone (everyone) who has experienced disturbing emotions can point to a "trigger."
Road rage murder can be said to be "triggered" by the other driver, but . . .
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
|
Trigger refers to emotional response. No one aside from those suffering from severe mental illness or mental handicap can blame actions on "being triggered." I'm also aware it became a stupid meme due to stupid hateful idiots using the word inappropriately.
And I personally believe everyone is unique. We are born with God's rng of millions of traits from our family and millions more from the cosmos than then millions more from our lives, our experiences, and our actions within them. I consider the world and myself creatures of duality. I have very prominent dualities. But I think there is a core of a human being, maybe what would be called "the human spirit", that makes us all the exact same at heart. But in millions of tiny little ways that come up to equal a whole all 7 billion of us are unique.
There is no one quite like me RJ and there is no one quite like you. We are all very similar and yet profoundly different.
Which is why the trend of separatism really bothers me. How can you define yourself under a label when the reality is no one else that uses the term is really like you? And how can you hate someone that uses another label when the reality is they really are alot like you?
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
|
I also think there is something deeper within us that, at its core, makes us the same as every other "living" "soul-bearing" being in the universe.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
Last seen: 11 months, 22 days
|
|
Quote:
goldcaphunter said: When I get manic I post bullshit everywhere on here. I'm glad this community isn't a stranger to mental illness and no one really gets mad at me just let it out
This.
and I have a best female friend of 15 years who lets me unload shit on her chat and we debate and slowly slowly she smacks some sense in me. Last time I was frustrated and had a manic episode due to my irritance and frustration at darwinism, millenials and people like me, how slowly slowly people of my kind are just being ushered aside to make room for this new age of instagram attention whores, swaggers and all the crap that I just don't get. I got really mad on how society has raised the bar so much and how most people, at least in my country, think they deserve so much better cause they were lead to believe they are such special little snowflakes through social media brainwashing. I wasn't mad at the people per say but rather more mad at the fact on how finding someone who is right for me just got more difficult and nightmarish and how connecting with someone, even though I've been deprived of this for most of my life, just got even more difficult cause I can't relate much to anyone anymore. In the midst of that mad mania I justified terrorism and my need to unload my frustration on society with an mp5
Madness but you gotta do
--------------------
"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
|
KetBom
Stranger



Registered: 09/18/09
Posts: 64
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
|
|
Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
KetBom said:
Im 27, my problem is i dont care to work a job im not interested in.
That's like saying I don't want to wash clothes or do the dishes or change my child's diaper.
It's called internal resistance - the "It sucks" dis ease of the mind.
A job gives you food eat, clothes, and shelter. Beware of looking for happiness in your job.
Or in anything outside yourself for that matter!
Quote:
KetBom said:
Fuck this shitty world. ive tried to hard and got nothing in return but a sore back and a bunch of shit .
Don't look to the world to be happy. That's the road to hell.
Hmm did a google search for internal resistance and all i got was batteries.
I can afford food, shelter and clothes on my government handouts.. im not really sure what youre getting at but if im working a job i hate then im going to be unhappy all the time garunteed. Id rather live of the bare minimums i can afford with handouts then go do work i have no interest in. But it gets really boring having all the free time in the world and no money to spend :p
I dont mind washing and doing dishes. Id even use non disposable daipers and wash them 2 :p but working for money at some job i dont care for to buy stuff i dont really need is hard for me to swallow.. i apply for jobs that id love to do but it seems this world is overpopulated and theres hundreds of other people applying to. Lol i applied for a job at a recycling plant, working with helping homeless people, native plant nursery. All jobs i could do well but nope. Its really depressing jobsearching so i just look every now and again now because im to the point where i feel ill never get a job again. My last few jobs were doing shit i had no care for and i was getting shit money, i spent it all on drugs, alcohol and petrol. I was working at dominos pizza doing deliveries and i was smoking half an ounce of weed a week, i went crazy and quit my job and rode my mototorbike across the country spending all my money on liquor, drugs and petrol. I mean all my money, I had no money left and was in the middle of no where :p i guess i was hoping I met with an "accident" and id be done. Im slightly/quite insane and doing a job where i feel im just being used as a cheap worker sends me incredibly insane. I have some "mental issues" far greater than "internal resistance" id like to not go insane again so im staying away from doing work that just makes me depressed and suicidal. I cant settle for a job i dont enjoy because it leads to drug and alcohol abuse everytime, then i either quit or get fired. Yeah its quite obvious that having no good references and a list of shortlived jobs on my resume isnt doing me any good. But thats what happened and i live with the consequences of making bad desicions. Schizophrenia and drug/alcohol abuse is quite common in my dads side of the family. But what was the right choice. Not touching marijuana which then went onto lsd and mushroom use which is what everyone would say is the root of my issues. I learn from my mistakes but it seems that this world isnt very forgiving of mistakes and ive used up all my second chances. I have some criminal charges which narrows down my career oppurtunities also. All because of things i did while in psychotic states. Whos to blame. What came first, the chicken or the egg :p I never hurt anyone, but now i have a police record that screws me over. Disorderly conduct, stealing (i took a phone charger that god had left there for me. because i felt i needed to charge my phone to survive??), attempted agravated burglary (i broke a window to a house i thought that the "secret group" had sent me messages telepathically saying its okay this house is empty you can stay here the night) turned out i was just psychotic and the house was occupied, reckless driving (fair enough..) but why make available such powerful motorbikes in the first place.. if the most powerful bike was 100cc then there would be no one going wow look this things so powerful and cool i need this.. still trying to understand why theres rocketships flying into space? Is there any good reason for that? Anyways i have too much free time. I cant even do volunteer jobs because of my police record, i cant do good even if i want to ha.. not sure what came first the chicken or the egg.. all i know is jobs that i dont like drive me insane, i dont have any internal resistance to insanity. I was working at the post office when i started to hear voices in my head. I was becoming aware that i was made to work so fast i couldnt even follow the safety rules that we would have to hear about everyday, "dont do this dont do that, but you have to meet these times that are impossible to meet without breaking the safety rules" so idecided to take that up with boss and tell him how i felt about it, his idea was to make me think i was insane and drive me insane. Its like people pretend to care for one another but really it only goes as far as what they want and need. . Forgive me father for i have believed we lived in a world where people cared about each other :p not saying im perfect . But i try to do whats right. Seems many jobs just want you to try bust your ass and make them maximum profit while youre still healthy and then when youre not they kick you to the curb and find the next idiot :p im done. Should i have took the advice and stayed of drugs. Im not sure i want to have my eyes shut to the real issues of the world, i dont regret doing way more mushrooms than advised. I did mushrooms for 2 months straight one time, was amazing I was experiencing "synchronicity"! I almost lit myself on fire by accident a few times though as well :p
Tl:dr I came to this thread to share a feeling with a fellow shroomerite because while its not going to be the exact same feeling and set of circumstances, its better than being told you have a disease :p
|
|