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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: akira_akuma] * 1
    #24014113 - 01/16/17 09:23 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

Adderall isn't going to keep you from being "distracted by things you like" if they're available to you. I used to take it for school sometimes and more often than not I'd end up writing fiction instead of writing notes.

But I feel you. I was doing odd jobs before a couple years ago. I really liked some, they felt rewarding, like I accomplished something. Because I did. I did a job, I did a good job, I got paid, and I left.

Since coming into large corporate run work... The job never ends. No one ever genuinely thanks you. The people that get rewarded are the ones that work hard at kissing ass and it is always without regard to the actual quality of their work. It's an assembly line where you really are a cog. You do one job, all day, every day. Before I changed position in the company I was having multiple panic attacks a day because the work was so dull and repetitive I had nothing to keep the bad vibes away (I mean aside from people always trying to blame you for their mistakes and corporate having stupid expectations that interfer with the job and an environment that lives to stress you out for no apparent reason.)


I used to feel much the same. I still do. I don't give a shit about money. But I give many shits about being independent. And being free. I dunno how it is with your fam but mine is very controlling and while I think I could probably get my neuropathy diagnosed and get on welfare I see that as a form of control too. So working is the only way to be free. Which is an oxymoron since freedom and corporate life are nearly polar opposite.


I quit my last job within the month because my manager gave me shit for waiting till the last 20 minutes before lunch to go to the bathroom. When I had been holding it the whole time working my ass off trying to get shit done. (Manual labor job, I waited till I worked my way over in the warehouse to the bathroom because I could only walk so much so fast, averaged 12 miles a day at that job.)


I wasn't happy before I started big work. I was anxious and nervous and depressed. It was thrilling to start new jobs. But they've not made me feel any less worthless and unappreciated. And I have worked my ass off.

Right now I'm hoping my next job, in the next year or 2, will be something worth doing. For a company worth working for. Or I can switch to my own business. Preferably in prospecting. But that feels like a pipe dream.
Right now I'm working to own my own property to be the fuck away from all the toxic people in the city. I go onn frequent camping trips and "mini vacation" to keep myself sane in the meantime but more and more I'm noticing how badly work manipulates my personality. I'm a totally different person after a few days off. That in and of itself is depressing.


But I believe there is a source of income and independence for everyone. Maybe yours is writing, I used to hope mine was, and maybe you'll find a way to make that work in our corporate run world. I have faith you'll figure it out if you try and keep yourself open, keep yourself determined fulfill the dream, and be willing to incorporate the world into yourself.

I think that dream is out there for me too. Just holding on for it seems to get harder and harder for every month that goes by.


I've been using the shroomery recently to keep myself from going postal and A. Jumping out the 6th story windows or B. Attacking my coworkers (preferably my boss) with a pair of siccors and a stapler

And imagining and laughing (tho cynical laughter) is something that helps me be a little more okay with it.


That and drugs of course.
I really dunno what I'll do if/when they make kratom illegal. I definitely won't keep my sanity if I have to be here and in pain all the time. I think I would probably end up going the welfare route that way. And hopefully before psychosis hits...


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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OfflineLucisM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: akira_akuma] * 1
    #24014161 - 01/16/17 09:42 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

Quote:

akira_akuma said:
i can't keep a steady sleep cycle, mostly, but when i do, my tiredness does not fade- so i stop trying and become a nightowl.






I can't either, never been great at keeping a steady sleep schedule unless I was taking a low dose of stims daily, like 10mg adderall knocks me out.  Even with exercise, proper diet, and working, I still can't tire myself out to the point of sleeping.


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Offlinegoldcaphunter
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24014328 - 01/16/17 10:58 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

It's almost like an insult that he prescribes such a small amount of K pins lol


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The picture to the far left is a reminder to our users to stay safe and healthy, that's my third open heart surgery due to over use of amps. Stay safe kiddos :wink:


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: goldcaphunter]
    #24014367 - 01/16/17 11:11 AM (7 years, 14 days ago)

I'm fine with it. I used to have a bit of a problem with xanax and when he originally wrote the script I was really only having problems with panic attacks with my hormonal fluctuations. It would be nice if I felt I could be like "ey doc this year fucking sucks and I'm probably going to lose my shit if I can't get more drugs" and I got a little more drugs. Psychiatric medicine is a mess. Overprescribed to people who don't need it and under prescribed to people who do.

Healthcare as a whole is a mess. But it's stressful that I have to go and plead to this schmuck and tell him how fucked I am, let myself be as fucked up as I am so he can actually believe me, while trying not to be fucked up. It sounds counterproductive really. He's not the one that actually cares about my mental state.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24015414 - 01/16/17 05:56 PM (7 years, 14 days ago)

There's a lot of jobs that are straight up spirit killers.  The way kt's set up now you're a slave at birth and have no right to live on this earth.. it's bullshit.  The game is rigged.


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:mushroom2:Orange clock, pencil:bouncysmoke:
"They threw me off the hay truck about noon...":fishing:
:mushroom2:*Mark 15:34:levitate::mushroom2::blueninja:
Gam zeh ya’avor...:sunny:


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: goldcaphunter]
    #24020087 - 01/18/17 01:57 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

Quote:

goldcaphunter said:

Time heals. When my most recent gf broke up with me it RUINED me. It's been almost three years now and it still hurts.




What "ruined" you is your attachment to the repetitive story that runs rampant thru your head.

It still hurts because your story (of being dumped) is still running.

Beware of believing the stories that the mind dreams up.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24020109 - 01/18/17 02:05 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:

Right now I'm working to own my own property to be the fuck away from all the toxic people in the city.




Your belief the city is full of toxic people is your ego-centric story of judgment and damnation.

It's a pipe dream to expect your job to fulfill your dreams. A job doesn't "manipulate your personality"

If want to jump out a 6th story window, don't blame it on your coworkers.

You own your reactivity. It doesn't belong to anyone else. Don't play the victim.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #24020127 - 01/18/17 02:11 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

You seem to assume alot from single sentences.
Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:

Right now I'm working to own my own property to be the fuck away from all the toxic people in the city.




Your belief the city is full of toxic people is your ego-centric story of judgment and damnation.

It's a pipe dream to expect your job to fulfill your dreams. A job doesn't "manipulate your personality"

If want to jump out a 6th story window, don't blame it on your coworkers.

You own your reactivity. It doesn't belong to anyone else. Don't play the victim.




I'm quite aware of the fact it's an attitude problem. Other people can ignore everyone else around them being miserable and grunting grumbling and complaining all day, and how they manipulate others to get things they didn't earn, other people are even okay with that and with being a tool of a system that doesn't give a shit about you... But I'm not. I've tried, very very hard to be, but I just can't. It is quite simply wrong.

Misery loves company, it's a saying for a reason. Your environment DOES effect you. And no one is immune to this.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24020157 - 01/18/17 02:20 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

I spend 2/3rds of my day there doing nothing that really matters to me most days and my company has made it apparent that for the most part it doesn't matter to them either.

I grab at what good I can, appreciate what good I've gotten out of it, but cmon man. A person's working life is most of their life. Especially considering my health problems and every little piece of energy I have is very valuable. Any job I take exacerbates my health problems. I put my life into work = it is my life. Or at least a majority of it.
I am working for an insurance company which is a corruption of an economic system I don't agree with. Is a business model I don't agree with. I fill out forms 90% of my day that have little personal value. I am wasting my life with older people that have wasted their life and for the most part have become overweight unhealthy and depressed.

I'm not going to sell out and change who I am to be "happy" with something the very core of who I am says is wrong.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


Edited by CookieCrumbs (01/18/17 02:23 PM)


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24020709 - 01/18/17 05:13 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

Don't base your happiness on anything external to you.

You don't need to be around joyous people to be happy.

Misery loves company = negative attitudes seek negative attitudes.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #24020928 - 01/18/17 06:32 PM (7 years, 12 days ago)

So I chilled a little bit and thought more about it.

I don't like the judgement and control that I get at the office. To me the only thing they have the right to judge me on is my politeness and my performance. But they judge me on... everything. From the car I drive to the way I dress to the way I talk. I have a casual conversation at work and before I know it my coworkers are looking at me like I've grown 2 heads.
And normally that stuff amuses me. But it's different at work. Because that stuff effects the money I make and, say my health takes a turn and I have attendance issues, can effect whether or not I have a job.


And I don't like everyone around me being miserable because I care. And I get mad that I care because it doesn't seem like anyone else does.

The city bothers me because everyone is always rushing and angry. I feel like an inconvenience because I'm in their way.



Would all this shit bother me if I didn't have guilt issues and didn't live with the people that helped create those issues with a lack of support and a need to constantly try to control me and tell me I'm wrong and to downplay all of my problems? Probably not. And that last part is why I get irritated with your replies sometimes. I have problems talking about my problems because of that shit. Because of downplaying my own problems to everyone else and even to myself. I have a hard time even acknowledging the issues. And you don't win a fight by never looking at your opponent. Wasn't my intention to address them within this thread either, I know it's annoying as shit to listen to other peoples inner problems and I've lost more than a few friends by being unable to find that balance.

I get the philosophy behind alot of your ideas and I respect it. But you don't have philosophy without psychology and I'm psychologically twisted. Yes I am too sensitive to the vibes of others. I've only ever not been by living in my own fantasy world or living in a constant state of anger. I'm sure you can see the unhealthiness of either.


So what I got is - I have to change my environment in order for ME to change. Cuz I've done alot of shit, made alot of progress, and always come right back to the same negative potholes of life. The only thing I've not ever tried to manipulate into positive reinforcement is my environment.

I am happy in the woods. I am happy when I'm alone. Do I blame people for making me uncomfortable and unhappy? Not exactly. It's not their fault I'm a mess. But I do acknowledge that I am happy when I don't have to deal with them all the time.



I've had issues at home that have had me constantly on edge. I don't control my life, I have to let other people control my life to get by, and the TL;DR of it is that fucking bothers me.

Truly I want to work for me. I want to live for me. I want to feel free to be me.
And I don't feel like anyone has a right to take that from me or anyone else.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24021752 - 01/19/17 12:16 AM (7 years, 12 days ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:

Would all this shit bother me if I didn't have guilt issues and didn't live with the people that helped create those issues with a lack of support and a need to constantly try to control me and tell me I'm wrong and to downplay all of my problems? Probably not. And that last part is why I get irritated with your replies sometimes. I have problems talking about my problems because of that shit. Because of downplaying my own problems to everyone else and even to myself. I have a hard time even acknowledging the issues.




I feel you Crumbs. I can be a bit of a nit-picking hyper-opinionated dick sometimes.

I don't find it annoying to listen to people's struggles. It makes me feel connected to others.

Hang in there, and keep talking about your challenges. We're all in this together.

Even if it doesn't feel like it              :laugh:


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24022109 - 01/19/17 06:39 AM (7 years, 11 days ago)

Jack's Smirking Revenge



somehow after detailed reading of your problem, this video popped into my head.  well it's one way out of the corporate world, with residual income. 

another would be to move out of the city and for you to figure out how to be your own boss without beating yourself up.


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.


Edited by LunarEclipse (01/19/17 06:43 AM)


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24023458 - 01/19/17 05:04 PM (7 years, 11 days ago)

Well I feel like shit lately, checking in.

Worth mentioning is my experience over the course of 7 years I lived in 5 different corners of the country.  My immediate issues certainly vanished by moving (people, places, things).  However the deep ingrained complexes traveled right on with me, including my tendency to run off lone wolf at sight of challenge. 

My stance has always been, you can uproot yourself and go anywhere- but it gets lonely.  There was always this nagging feeling I had with friends made in new locale, great quality people but they had no background on me.  No foresight as to where I've come from, what I've accomplished.  It was almost hollow the relationship as if someone was missing.


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Offlineakira_akuma
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #24023931 - 01/19/17 07:34 PM (7 years, 11 days ago)

life is hollow. bunch of people gawking at eachother.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #24024500 - 01/19/17 11:31 PM (7 years, 11 days ago)

Quote:

birdeatingspider said:

My stance has always been, you can uproot yourself and go anywhere- but it gets lonely.  There was always this nagging feeling I had with friends made in new locale, great quality people but they had no background on me.  No foresight as to where I've come from, what I've accomplished.  It was almost hollow the relationship as if someone was missing.




So, you need for people to "know where you come from" to feel connected to them?

If you need people to acknowledge what you've "accomplished", you're shooting yourself in the foot.

It's a huge mistake to want others to know our reality. It's a fantasy. We need to give it up.

The key to forming human connection and intimacy is to not make conditions on anyone.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #24024910 - 01/20/17 07:56 AM (7 years, 10 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:

Would all this shit bother me if I didn't have guilt issues and didn't live with the people that helped create those issues with a lack of support and a need to constantly try to control me and tell me I'm wrong and to downplay all of my problems? Probably not. And that last part is why I get irritated with your replies sometimes. I have problems talking about my problems because of that shit. Because of downplaying my own problems to everyone else and even to myself. I have a hard time even acknowledging the issues.




I feel you Crumbs. I can be a bit of a nit-picking hyper-opinionated dick sometimes.

I don't find it annoying to listen to people's struggles. It makes me feel connected to others.

Hang in there, and keep talking about your challenges. We're all in this together.

Even if it doesn't feel like it              :laugh:




Thank you.

The only reason my temper hasn't run away with my replies to you is cuz I know I can be a hyper-opinionated dick too :lol: that and I really do get the philosophy you preach. But that bothers me all the more, I am very far from being able to live that philosophy right now.


Fight club is a great movie, and a great example of the psychosis I was talking about. I do like how many people end up joining fight club tho. I feel like that is a reality. A lot of people want out and have either surrendered to what they see as an ineviable reality or just dunno how to get out.
I don't want to be one of those people.


I'm looking at a trailer north of the city, in a much smaller "city". It's really a rural county where the city itself spans about 15 blocks :lol: and my boss asked me recently if I wanted to work from home. If I can move by march that shit will work out and give me waaaaaay more time to start working out my next move. (I spend nearly 2 hours in commuting currently which means I blow nearly 12 hours a day on work.)
I think it'll help lower my stress levels so I can actually think too.


I was most worried about isolating myself and becoming lazy... But depression has already isolated me where I am and already encourages me to do nothing. I can't even really meditate right now where I'm living so yeah it is bound to help to move.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #24026163 - 01/20/17 04:31 PM (7 years, 10 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

birdeatingspider said:

My stance has always been, you can uproot yourself and go anywhere- but it gets lonely.  There was always this nagging feeling I had with friends made in new locale, great quality people but they had no background on me.  No foresight as to where I've come from, what I've accomplished.  It was almost hollow the relationship as if someone was missing.




So, you need for people to "know where you come from" to feel connected to them?

If you need people to acknowledge what you've "accomplished", you're shooting yourself in the foot.

It's a huge mistake to want others to know our reality. It's a fantasy. We need to give it up.

The key to forming human connection and intimacy is to not make conditions on anyone.



 
Yes, I do feel that a part of connection to others is sharing similar background or stomping the same ground.  It's not so much I "need people to acknowledge what I've accomplished" in order to enjoy a friendship to the fullest.. more so that growing up with people gives them an edge over friends you meet mid-life in my eyes.  I historically have trouble fostering intimate relationships with people.  It's a matter of this subtle difference being viewed as positively for me. 


When I eradicated particular habits my friends and family had context.  They knew what was especially challenging for me and were able to offer support accordingly.  This is what I refer to when I mention accomplishments. 

I reflect on my childhood nostalgically, anyone or thing from this time period has a warm and fuzzy association for me.
Some people are more sentimental than others:shrug:
Edit- some are just mental.


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


Edited by birdeatingspider (01/20/17 05:04 PM)


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24027682 - 01/21/17 09:29 AM (7 years, 9 days ago)

Sounds like a plan.  Commuting sucks, the big city sucks.  Saving 4 hours a day and not having to drive, yeah there you go.

For me I live near the woods, and the condition of the environment and the animals is getting bleak.  The global ecology is in fact in an extinction event, with most completely oblivious as to it even happening.

Thunderstorm asthma, LOL.  What next?  I mean, it's not funny when people get poisoned, and die, but that explanation?  The power structure gets away with it because people are too stupid and self absorbed to even notice, care, or begin to connect a few dots.


--------------------
Anxiety is what you make it.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: The Official "I Feel Like Shit" Thread [Re: LunarEclipse]
    #24028057 - 01/21/17 11:55 AM (7 years, 9 days ago)

Quote:

LunarEclipse said:
Thunderstorm asthma, LOL.  What next?  I mean, it's not funny when people get poisoned, and die, but that explanation?  The power structure gets away with it because people are too stupid and self absorbed to even notice, care, or begin to connect a few dots.




Thunderstorm asthma... Do I even want to know?


That shit irritates me too. Every so often someone will comment on the turtles or the fish or the lady bugs and how they remember they used to see so much more (imo the one that has declined the most is bumble bees but no one is going to complain about less bees) so then, me being a conservation nut, I tell them about this stuff. And I almost always get the same reactions. Either the "okay cool" response where they don't get it or actively disbelieve it or I get a conversation or denial where I can see they are trying to discredit or forget everything I just said. Cuz that shit is scary.


It's like pretending there's not a bear in your house cuz it's scary to think about. Can't ignore it forever and sooner or later it's going to hurt you.
I've told people very similar things and they look offended :lol:

I'm glad I didn't finish school and go into conservationism cuz I'm pretty sure I'd be looking for the best way to kill myself right now.


Not that I sometimes don't anyway but at least that's not a serious threat. Yet.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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