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OfflineTrippedytrip
TrippedyTrip
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Registered: 09/07/15
Posts: 514
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
Missing life
    #23920562 - 12/12/16 06:20 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Hello Guys ,

I am writing this with all the pieces of my heart wich havnt left. .


Say that my name is John.

I grew up very naturally involved to nature and i always was a adventurer as a kid .
I loved nature , i remember how i kissed shrugs and moved them from the street so the cars wouldnt hurt them . I was a very sensitive sentimental human being with a lot of love .
I gre up with my father , mother and 2 year older sister.
They divorced like 7 years ago , at that time i was in puberty and full of hate towards my father for being such an asshole and ruining our life. .
My mother my sister and I since then lived together and stayed strong .
I grew up pretty sensitive due to growing up with 2 woman.
In puberty time i had a lot of good friendships , i partyed a lot , we were drinking every weekend and partying till se sun rose :smile:
It was a good life !
I was in a International school , i learned a lot of languages and had the whole future in front of me , i had a extroverted attitude towards life and nothing could stop me !
I loved to play football , go out , meet girls .
It was when i was 16 when i decided to bump school bcs i didnt see any sense anymore , i was vague , didnt go to class , didnt do a fuck . My friend introduced me to Maryjane and i loved it :smile:
I started seeing things with a different point of view , a very calm , relaxed and smart way.

I decided to move away from my mother . My sister left to Holland to study that year .
I decided to move to Germany , were i was born .

Didnt remember much because i left from there when i was 3 .
I decided to start an apprenticeship in the Hotellerie Business wich i saw in it a promising future due to my attitude and languages etcetc.
I thought i was ready but it was pretty hard leaving all friends behind and starting a new life , living alone , arranging all things by myself , starting to get more mature and growing up!
The first year when very good ! I got to know a lot of nice people , different people , different culture .
I met new friends wich brought me to the psytrance scene and raving scene , i liked that kind of music a lot , it just opened my consciousness when listening to it !
My first xtc came , i loved it !
I was opening myself to a path , wich was very interesting but i had never thought i would have taken it this way.
I met a friend , he was 1 of my good friends during this year , he was working in the same business and we get on good , we chilled together after work , whent partying , drank beer .
He was quite experienced and he always explained the funny situations he had on different drugs and he opened myself kinda to that path.
I dont really know how it came to this idea where i was very interested by magic mushrooms .
He said he had very good time with it and that it was very fun!
At that time i was a bit naive and essy to convince , my personality had weakened because i was getting to know my much better i , my native I . A different person who i didnt know.
Then things went on , i ordered a grow kit , i cultivated some Hawaiaan Pes Cubensis. In 2-3 Weeks they were ready to ingest .
I didnt think much of the consequences such a experience could bring i just was very open at that point and with a positive attiude towards it .
That day changed my life for ever .
I finished job i went home , called my friend and he told me he would be in a couple hours at home .
I was going to show him the harvest and giving him a surprise with it !
He was pretty amazed , we decided then to take the Shrooms in his apartment .
All was flowing all seemed to be good . Before the come up we went to the gas station , took a walk to get us smthing to drink and to eat for afterwards.
He was tripping , indeed i had a strange feeling in the gut but didnt throw up , i didnt get any visuals it was weird . After 1 hour it started , i was fading , colours were coming .
At that point as you maybe have read in my other post is when this event happened wich changed my life for ever . Two drunk female friends were like shouting through the window if we were here , the flow of the trip was broken , i was confused , at that point i was just fighting the trip , didnt know what was happening , i was speekless , i noticed it that second wre things changed , i literally felt that my brain got stuck in that moment of panic . We took the cab i dont know why and changed setting to her house and ended the trip there .
I really know by now that since that trip y really never felt normal again as before . I continued going to work , going to classes nut everything felt harder . My parents slowly noticed also that i was more introverted and different .
3  Difficult Months went by , i was messing at work really hard and things were much harder for me than before . I realize it now that something was not correct but maybe in that moment i didnt want to admit it .
All went black black black , i  got fired at work , i lost like 20 kg in 1 month . I was exhausted ,i wasnt normal , i wasnt the guy i used to be . I went to the Psychich ward for 8 weeks . There we looked into a lot of possibilities of what ws happening to me ? I thought maybe dpdr ( depersonalisation/derealisation ) maybe psychozrenia.
I finally was understanding more and more what was happening , how i was feeling and why?

I knew by then that all was due to the mushrooms trip i had last year , it was hard to admit myself i got stucked in it . I knew a guy in the ward who got stucked on acid when he was young to and he wss by then like 45 sipping beer on the streets .

After the ward , my mother came , and she rented for us two a appartment .
We are living now together since 3-5 months .
I dont go out , i feel ashamed of me every time i go out . I did go out many times but it has been harder till i took the deicision of not going anywhere . I stayed the last 4 months at home helping my mother in work at home and making the work need to be done at home.
I am writing this with a broken heart , i would give everything of me to go back in time and change it .
Life is about deicisions and this one has fucked up my futute , my life i had , everything .
I am so ashamed of me that this happened , i am so ashamed to even speak to my friends if they ask how i am and i dont answer . Seeing all make their lifes going to university , partying , all the fuking amazing stuff i would be doing . It breaks my heart stnding up every morning after not even sleeping well. I have lost everything guys except my mother and my sister who love me .
I really dont understand that this fukin shroom has fucked me up so much , and at this point i dont blame it only on the shrooms , it was me at a young age , not much aware of negative outcomes , but that this would happen.
I am speekless , every day of my life would be a shit if i wouldnt ser my mother ir my sister .
In this time i have thought a lot about suicide because i am a weight for myself. I dont want to live like this , but for my family i wont make them go through this , it would cause them to much pain.

I think guys thankyou very much if you read everything , i just needed to let this out and i hope you can understand my situation wich is hard , because many would say , you can still write logically and rationally etcetc .It is like that guys i stopped making up things and i faced the true reality of how things are .
I am writing this in tears and it breaks me up every time , every day , when i wake up just regreting that single day of my young life wich has ruined all my future.

Peace guys
Love may be with all of you


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InvisibleMollyLucyMaryJane

Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 1,302
Re: Missing life [Re: Trippedytrip]
    #23920618 - 12/12/16 06:33 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Sounds to me like you have just given up and your dwelling on a mushroom trip as being the cause of it.
Mushrooms and any other drugs arent that significant, They cant forever control you and your actions. The only thing that can control you is you.

Stop letting this experience interfere with your life, Stop using it as an excuse to be depressed and lazy.

You need to stop dwelling on the past. forget about it completely. Find motivation in the present and future and act!


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OfflineWhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi
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Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 4 days, 9 hours
Re: Missing life [Re: MollyLucyMaryJane]
    #23920704 - 12/12/16 07:07 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Love is a great healer. Your mother and sister can aid to this pain of yours. So can a lovely lady.

Puzzled why one mushroom experience has brought such a heavy burden to your life causing such a dramatic change to you and your well being.

I read this aloud to my lady and she questions what happened during your mushroom experience was to cause such a thing to your existance. ?


--------------------
Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!!

Eye was thinking the other day...  ahh, thinking never done me no good.



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OfflineDerPda
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Registered: 05/12/15
Posts: 159
Last seen: 3 years, 20 days
Re: Missing life [Re: WhoManBeing]
    #23921772 - 12/13/16 06:28 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Sounds like depression/anxiety problems. It is probable that it was always there, dwelling in the background and then the shroomtrip brought it to attention. Depression is extremely common for children, who experienced the divorce of their parents (prevalence up to 60%).
I would recommend seeing a therapist regularly, to help you fight your way back to life. Never give up. Rebuild your personality, you decide who and how you want to be, not one single bad mushroom trip.


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Offlinepsilosalvia
Pirate
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Registered: 08/14/16
Posts: 397
Loc: Bat Country
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Missing life [Re: DerPda]
    #23921973 - 12/13/16 08:57 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Exactly, sounds like a depressive state which led you to lose your self confidence and self-esteem.
Remember that it's all in your mind.

Work out regularly.
Start to meditate regularly.
Eat healthy.
Always find sources of motivation.

YOU need to push yourself out of your "comfort zone" RIGHT NOW,
go talk to people, go to concerts, go wherever just DO IT,
YOU need to set yourself free from your brain, you and him are two different "beings" YOU CONTROL IT no matter how you look at it the power is YOURS. And only YOU can break free.

THIS IS ONLY A POINT IN YOUR PAST.
EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, LEARN FROM IT INSTEAD OF LETTING IT BRING YOU DOWN IS A KEY IN THIS LIFE TO MOVE ON AND ACHIEVE GREATNESS.
and YOU CAN DO IT.


--------------------

        “Damnation seize my soul if I give you quarters, or take any from you.” -Edward Teach.


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OfflineGet Shwifty
I love you guys
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Registered: 10/14/15
Posts: 167
Last seen: 8 months, 18 days
Re: Missing life [Re: psilosalvia]
    #23922027 - 12/13/16 09:30 AM (7 years, 1 month ago)

What they said.

Don't stagnate, rehabilitate.


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Offlineergoticmandala
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Registered: 06/03/15
Posts: 1,256
Last seen: 4 years, 28 days
Re: Missing life [Re: Get Shwifty]
    #23922518 - 12/13/16 12:31 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

man that was an interesting read, wish more people on the shroomery just gave summary's of their whole life its really interesting what other people go through, how they interpret it and their lifes story.

I have heard you talk about this problem in other threads but at the moment your post makes me think of something terence mckenna said about him advising people with heavy psychological trauma not to take psychs because they sometimes can't handle it, which makes sense from a psychological perspective.

I just really don't see how tripping could have permenantly altered you for the worst like that. I really believe that this is just a hard time in your life but that you can learn to cope. Worst case scenario the shrooms brought out a mental ilness like skitzo which you were already prone to, and would have gotten anyways. Many skizophrenic people live good lives and cope, why not you.

You could also be depressed because you always stay home and stuff.


--------------------


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OfflineMinnesnowtaNice
FriendofHagrid
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Registered: 09/18/13
Posts: 1,316
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
Re: Missing life [Re: ergoticmandala]
    #23922699 - 12/13/16 01:32 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

I don't think you can blame a psychedelic drug for causing a full blown collapse of your live,

This last winter I was doing tons of stimulants, Coke,mdma and psychedelics  Mainly LSD.

It all came to a crashing end with panic attacks, depersonalization, HPPD all that good stuff.
Funny thing is I'm not sure what really pulled me out of it. I stopped doing drugs, I kept going to work for the most part and just kind of trucked through the anxiety which was horrible.

I would sit there before work with my heart pounding legs shaking just so anxious and afraid.

You have to stop thinking about it honestly, wich sounds hard but that's what you have to do.

I also picked up a kind of weird philsophy on life, like I still care about things and have passions, but I kinda learned to just let things be and it is the way it is. Whatever your going through cant phsyically harm you, no one has ever died from anxiety or depression alone.

I feel for you though man I hope you figure it out, but you can't blame one trip for the unraveling of your life that's honestly ubsurd.

Drinking doesn't help anything either.


--------------------
we are all thought forms in a cloud of synchronistic events.




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Offlineunfortunategent
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Registered: 06/04/14
Posts: 316
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: Missing life [Re: Trippedytrip]
    #23922934 - 12/13/16 02:45 PM (7 years, 1 month ago)

Young people very often are quick to jump to the conclusion that their "life has been ruined" at their first mental crisis.  And because these crisis' are new to them, they feel the need to blame something for it..usually oversimplifying what actually has happened/is happening.

I had my first mental crisis in my early 20's when I thought I had my life and it's trajectory figured out, only to have all my interests change suddenly.  I don't remember what the trigger was anymore, but I remember the pivoting point.  When this happened, I felt like I lost all my reasons for living and became very mentally unstable for a couple years.  I dropped out of college, couldn't work and avoided social contact because of the severe awkwardness I'd bring to interactions.  kept trying to remember who I used to be, and try to be that...but could never seem to be "me" (or what I thought was me) as effortlessly as it used to come. 
At the time, I thought my life was ruined too. 

It wasn't until I realized that I was clinging to an identity that had been destroyed, that I started getting better.  I realized that, in a sense, my life had been ruined...but only the life I had known thus far.  There was more that I didn't know was there.  I had limited my view by thinking that the life I had once had was all there was.  But that was simply flaw in the way I saw things.

Since then, I've been through several more of these identity crisis, but never to the same degree as that first one.  I know not to make the same mistake of thinking I know who I am and what I shall be. 

So OP, have hope.  Know that you may have some tough times ahead as you figure things out, but don't count yourself out yet.  You don't know the future, how circumstances might change or how your mind might change.  You just have to be ready for change.  This means not dwelling on your current problems, but instead channeling your energy towards building life anew.

Good luck and stay away from drugs until you find some clarity.


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