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DustyBottoms



Registered: 11/07/14
Posts: 3,071
Loc: TheUnderbelly
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Relationship Woes 2
#23879278 - 11/29/16 06:39 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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Do any of you feel that you're not wired, mentally and/or emotionally, to be in any healthy and long-lasting relationship?
My last handful of relationships have all looked the same.
They start off great but usually slowly work their way to their inevitable demise.
And most of them end when the girl starts pushing it to the next level. They either start talking about moving in together, want to take a trip to meet the parents, or actually start talking about marriage.
Another thing I've noticed, is the last few years I usually start dating someone once the weather turns to shit and then by spring when it's starting to get nice out, I call off the relationship.
I truly value my personal time and my personal space. I don't like people telling me what to do and I like to have the freedom to do what I want, whenever I want. I can't do any of these things in a serious relationship which has created a serious issue...that I just don't think I'm built to be the relationship kind of guy.
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Not everyone is bossy and controlling. I understand the far end of that spectrum may not be exactly what you're talking about but the thing is that if you desire something like that, you need to be as open to it as you are dedicated to finding the person that is right for you. I think there are plenty of ladies out there who would meet your needs, but maybe consider if all your needs are things you would be comfortable with your spouse having. What's fair is fair right? Are you being selfish or are they being needy? Or is it both?
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Mescalean
Burke is love, burke is life.


Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 6,755
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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No not really man, but I have a new found joy in being single. I totally get the "me time" thing. Was with a girl who tried controlling certain aspects of my life she shouldn't. I think me time is highly under valued and people should try it some time
-------------------- FREE BURKE
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DustyBottoms



Registered: 11/07/14
Posts: 3,071
Loc: TheUnderbelly
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Yeah these girls usually aren't that bossy or controlling. At least not in a crazy type of way. And the ones that are, i run for the hills early anyway. People can't hide their real self for very long like we all try to do on the first couple of dates.
Another thing working against me is that being in a relationship or getting married is not really a life goal of mine. I'm not sure if goal is the right word but I know so many god damn people that are single that are on a SERIOUS MISSION to get into a relationship and to get married.
I mean, I'm at the age (mid 30's) where that should be something I'm looking for...but I'm just simply not.
Some have been needy but not all. And I don't think I would call myself selfish. Stubborn is probably a more fitting description.
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa
Last seen: 13 hours, 14 minutes
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Quote:
DustyBottoms said: Do any of you feel that you're not wired, mentally and/or emotionally, to be in any healthy and long-lasting relationship?
My last handful of relationships have all looked the same.
They start off great but usually slowly work their way to their inevitable demise.
And most of them end when the girl starts pushing it to the next level. They either start talking about moving in together, want to take a trip to meet the parents, or actually start talking about marriage.
Another thing I've noticed, is the last few years I usually start dating someone once the weather turns to shit and then by spring when it's starting to get nice out, I call off the relationship.
I truly value my personal time and my personal space. I don't like people telling me what to do and I like to have the freedom to do what I want, whenever I want. I can't do any of these things in a serious relationship which has created a serious issue...that I just don't think I'm built to be the relationship kind of guy.
I completely understand the feeling. I'm a lone wolf myself. A relationship isn't on my "want" list anymore. I love loneliness, I thrive in it. I see it as an advantage. No wasted time talking about the weather with strangers.
I have 2 good friends and a FF. Could not be happier.
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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I think the thing is about the personal space is when you are one who appreciates it a lot, it can seem offputting to a spouse. They think, why don't you want me around? I think, why do you always need to be around? I'm not going anywhere.. well I am. lol
I don't see it as a big deal if that's your lifestyle, not wanting marriage or super super serious long term relationships. Personally I'm not a seeker, but if something falls in my lap and it feels right then I'm not going to shy away from it. Just go with the flow and be you.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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You're likely replaying patterns that were programmed into you before you were old enough to remember. Therapy has helped me see that that is exactly what I have done in all three of my long term relationships.
Thankfully, now that I've finally been helped to see it, I'm pretty damn sure I won't ever follow the same patterns again.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 3 hours, 24 minutes
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I'm convinced I have to be content being alone to really function in a relationship. It's a ridiculous paradox
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Quote:
Seriously_trippin said: I'm convinced I have to be content being alone to really function in a relationship. It's a ridiculous paradox
I have been soul searching and discussing this very matter with a lot of people the last year of my life.
I think you're absolutely spot on man. And until I'm 100% content to no want nor need a relationship, and 100% happy being alone, I will not have another relationship in my life.
All life seems like paradox when you go looking deep enough IME. I'm sure there's a good reason for it, but fucked if I know what it is. Seems confusing as fuck most of the time.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Existentialist philosphy. Recognizing that we control our own reality and seeking outside sources for validation is at best, "giving a man a fish." When you have enough fish, have seen enough fish.. you realize you cannot only fish. There is more to life, but you will always be a fisherman.
Fish is what you eat and we have to learn to make due with the same meal over, and over, and over again.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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I know you got something deep goin on in that post XL, but your analogy eludes me for some reason. Probably exhaustion.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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The best fishermen switch up their tactics and know what fish to catch, and when. I like a nice whitefish but if the perch are biting they can be pretty tasty too.
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 3 hours, 24 minutes
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And then there's times where you go through water where the fish just jump in your boat
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 3 hours, 24 minutes
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
Seriously_trippin said: I'm convinced I have to be content being alone to really function in a relationship. It's a ridiculous paradox
I have been soul searching and discussing this very matter with a lot of people the last year of my life.
I think you're absolutely spot on man. And until I'm 100% content to no want nor need a relationship, and 100% happy being alone, I will not have another relationship in my life.
All life seems like paradox when you go looking deep enough IME. I'm sure there's a good reason for it, but fucked if I know what it is. Seems confusing as fuck most of the time.
I bolded "nor need a relationship" that's exactly it. Basically since I was 13 or so I've been a hopeless romantic and need a relationship to make me SUPER excited about life and exponentially happier. It shouldn't have to be that way and over the months/years chicks notice that big time.More importantly it's the principle of needing to understand what you really want as far as someone you are going to hopefully share a good chunck (at least) of your life with. If you don't know who you are how the hell would you know who's compatible for you.
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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rackem



Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 14,024
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independence is a high quality to have. specially when dating over 30.
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Enjoywho
Rags to Bitches



Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 20,880
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Eh I create chaos. When things are going to well. I'm also stubborn.
Those are things I do work on and am the first to admit I'm an idiot. I think the main problem is I've become jaded as I get older. So I'm quicker to call shit that I would either put up with or roll over on in the 2 2+ year relationships I've had.
When i can tell neither of us will win the argument which there never easy ill just walk out. It never benefits either of us were arguing about nothing. Girls don't take that very well.
I do know what your talking about op I understand it. Perhaps it's because I don't respect myself. Who knows. I'm not really worried about it atm.
-------------------- "I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." "In the days of kings and queens I was a jester." "And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies "Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"
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DustyBottoms



Registered: 11/07/14
Posts: 3,071
Loc: TheUnderbelly
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Re: Relationship Woes [Re: Enjoywho]
#24049870 - 01/29/17 06:45 PM (7 years, 1 day ago) |
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I think I might have solved my "problem"...I'm sorta, kinda in a long-distance relationship with someone.
I met her last month when I was home visiting for the holidays and we went out 3 times that week and she stayed over 2 nights. We kept in touch throughout the month of January and then I went back home this weekend and stayed with her. We had a great time but the best part was the excitement of seeing her and the excitement of...leaving to come back to my city, alone.
And as of about an hour ago, she booked a flight to come stay with me at the end of February. I think this might be the very type of relationship I've been looking for. How long will it last? Who cares right? Enjoy it while I lasts, I guess.
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PatrickKn


Registered: 07/10/11
Posts: 20,564
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Quote:
DustyBottoms said: How long will it last? Who cares right? Enjoy it while I lasts, I guess.
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Reprobate420
Adrift in the Abyss



Registered: 11/02/16
Posts: 440
Loc: Nova Scotia
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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My last few relationships have been likewise. Starting out in a firestorm of passion and desire but burning out in haste, fading away into oblivion.
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Orphe3us
Enthusiast


Registered: 01/29/17 
Posts: 57
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Felt the same for the longest time. It is our fault as much as its hard to find the one. I opted for the different path, forgot about a perfect match and found someone who I can laugh with, act like a kid, someone who loves me for who I am and doesn't want to change me.
Haven't been happier in my life
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