Ok, guys. Where do I begin. Three months ago, I had an insanely intense trip with mimosa tenuiflora (DMT). From then on I had flashbacks every now and then during my sleep. I think that after two months or so they were nearly gone, but not entirely.
So 2 days ago I went to a psytrance event with a friend of mine. I thought it was a good idea to try a very light dose of shrooms again just to test my waters again and find out whether I can handle psychedelics again. Luckily (yes, luckily) I didn't. What I did do though was that I shared a few joints with some people. I don't normally smoke marijuana. It felt good. At first.
What I'm about to tell is just utterly inexpressible, even if we weren't confined to words, I'm afraid. Everything I remember of the trip 3 months ago had been very hard to remember. The most important parts of that trip that I was able to remember I only remembered because those flashbacks gave those memories back to me. Little did I know that those inexpressible experiences where just child's-play...
Now, back to where I was, I was sitting around a campfire, quite content with how I was feeling. Then, I don't know what triggered it. An image came to me. It was part of the visuals I remember I had on that trip 3 months ago (lets just call it the trip), although I didn't quite remember when in the trip. Then, some sort of 'sound' came to me. This wasn't just a sound. This was a sound that I associated with being INSANELY HIGH. I wasn't that high but I knew this was a memory. I was starting to freak out. I was reliving something I know I had experienced before, but this time I was just experiencing it while being aware of the world around me at the same time. Like I wasn't out of it, but the memories I was getting where of a moment where I was definitely out of it. Out of everything you know exists.
These memories where of the trip I had, but the part of the trip where things started to get insanely intense to where all the colors, instead of just flying at light speed through colored multi-dimensional fractal land, everything started to be reduced to one color/thought/shape. I can't explain such a thing, but I'll try my best to give some things you might associate with. So first of all, you should know that at this point, you know no better than that you are god, the universe and everything, that everything is just consciousness. At the point of the trip that I was reliving few days ago, everything in existence just was... one. You don't think about it as if you 'feel' it is, there is simply just no way around it. My thoughts weren't even linear anymore, it was just one great single thought that was the universe itself. All colors where somewhat reduced to being one color, white. Reduced might not be the right choice of words, as it seems to imply the opposite of intensity, but don't let that fool ya. Everything became indescribably abstract. I basically thought that I was god, and I was looking at one shape/thought and that something, that something described me/the universe. Things started turning black. Few moments later white again. I only remember getting something of a 'message', although it just felt like the undisputed truth. It was a test, the message said. This all is a test. To test our potential. I experienced existence in some godly realm, where my thought simply roared of greatness beyond conceptional power.
But it became even more intense. At this point, all became black. Everything seemed to be some great all-encompassing singular fractal that I was sure that if I were to zoom in into it I would see our universe being a part of it. If you didn't figure out already, I was freaked to the bone at this level. I started to experience what being 'selfish' was to the most abstract/infinite level that seemed not even remotely possible. I got the idea in my head that I was so high that not even heroin would ever come close in some sort of vicinity. I didn't seem to care that much. I had long gone already thought that I destroyed my brain and that I was launched out of this reality by some sort of destiny, back into the reality I once was. In our human-reality we see selfishness as 'only caring about oneself', thus in other words, 'not caring about others'. In the reality at the point of the trip I'm talking about, being the one and only consciousness in existence, selfishness is nothing more than fear for infinity. In our words we could say selfishness in experienced because people are afraid of love. In this reality... selfishness (maybe fear is just as good of a word) is to try to stay in a finite reality, and love is the act of making your reality infinite. So I kept experiencing selfishness until it became so intense and painful that I gave up, I sort of had to, but everythings still a choice. I became so infinite that I started to question things like existence, whether there really is only one god, whether joy really is some sort of illusion or not. When thinking about all these things, I was just 'hoping' there was an end to it all, or that I would come across an easy answer. But everything seemed to reveal that yet another 'scale' of infiniteness got unlocked. It seemed that merely having questions was an illusion. Fear was an illusion. I didn't actually feel I experienced 'thought' anymore. Well, nothing that brings about 'movement'. As if everything was just formless baseline beingness. No such thing as vibration. Nothing that feels as if it could make something different.
This is the last thing that I got to remember from these memories that came to me a few days ago. I might just have not been able to remember more if there even was more. All this time that these memories came back to me I was sitting near the fire with people around me, talking to me. I acted as if nothing was wrong with me because I knew many around me where probably on psychedelics and I didn't want to cause any more people to freak out. I was basically experiencing what I thought was the single-most intense thing a being in the whole universe will ever experience. (May not be true of course but that's how it felt.) Acting normal was relatively easy though when you realize you are god and can do anything. While all these memories came back to me the world around me started to turn in a dream. I started to, in my mind, grab for ANYTHING that could make me 'sane' again. I didn't actually know at that point that everything was going to be relatively normal again once the effects of the marijuana wore off, or that I would stay like that forever. I started to pray to Jesus, god, or any concept of finiteness in the hope that things would be 'normal' again. But to no avail, I mean, I knew I simply was Jesus, god, and everything, what can 'they' do when there is no 'they', but only you. Holy shit, that is beyond anything I have and will experience in my entire life. I don't even understand how such an experience is possible while still being able to return to your human consciousness. I mean, I wonder that sometimes about faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar less intense of a trip.
Guys, seriously, watch out with this stuff man. The few days since I've remembered these things, I simply can not enjoy food anymore, just because it is some type of enjoyment that is selfish. I just eat without the need to feel satiated. I can't see the world and its objects and beings anymore as something other than me. I mean, I have felt like that before, after a trip, so it may fade, but I'm not sure. I don't even try to tell this to my friends because they just categorize it as a 'bad trip', but this experience was beyond anything that I can label as having a good/bad time. It is just truth taken to an extremity far beyond human understanding. Anyway, I'm not sure what my point is, maybe it is just to futilely try to warn people about the possibilities of psychedelics. I'm not saying psychedelics are bad, I'm just saying that psychedelics can change you to the point of losing all that you liked about your reality. For me, I'm afraid I've not got anything left for me to enjoy, other than love.
Just be careful, guys. I love you.
-------------------- It doesn't matter whether you are christian, muslim, jew, atheist or ascribe to any other belief-system. It doesn't matter whether you look out to the stars, or under a microscope to the tiniest of particles. It doesn't even matter what kind of practice you perform to reach your goal. Because if you keep looking, everything eventually leads to the same truth, like a fractal that contains itself in every direction you take it. You will find yourself. I love you. Blatant self-advertisement.
Edited by lovuasca (11/28/16 04:19 PM)
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