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Offlineslightly wiser
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Registered: 11/26/16
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Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself
    #23867882 - 11/26/16 04:37 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I decided to grow some 'golden teacher' mushrooms for the purpose of microdosing. I had taken tiny doses in tea before- but something came over me and I consumed two fat, thick mushrooms in tea without weighing them. At 12am before I was intending to go to sleep. While alone, and never having experienced a trip before.

Horrible, horrible mistake.

I realized I was going into a trip after about 30 minutes, and realized I was A) Alone and B) completely unprepared. I vomited to try and purge the mushrooms, but it was too late. So I settled down, not consciously panicking yet, and naively thought to ride the trip out while watching some nature documentary.

First came the pain. Horrible arthritic pain in my joints. I felt like I was dying.

I began seeing visuals, patterns where there were none, insect people in my TV screen, typical imagery associated with a trip. But it wasn't the imagery that was terrifying- after about 60 minutes I began to feel myself losing my grip on reality in the worst way possible.

Dark, dark thoughts were swirling in my mind, thoughts like 'hey, what about this knife?' and 'you are alone, no one can save you from this trip'. Thoughts of doing unspeakably horrible things to my landlord and his family. It took a colossal mental effort to resist these thoughts.

I remember trying to dial 112 on skype, only to discover I had no credit and was becoming too confused to do anything about it.

I remember hearing horror music- the kind of music in 'scream' or 'the shining' playing when people are getting murdered.

I remember the thought of sticking my hand in the wall socket to see what it would feel like.

I remember wanting to break a coffee mug and slash my wrist with the shards.

I remember pulling the front door open so hard that I broke the lock- I don't want to think about where I would have gone.

I remember pacing around my room, repeating the same actions over and over again.

I remember listening to the gayatri mantra on my headset, which somehow was keeping me tethered to reality- focusing on it helped me get through the worst part.

I remember, eventually, managing to crawl into bed and keep myself in there while I focused on repeating a single word instead of acting on horrible impulses- that word was 'blurp'

After about five hours the trip faded. I looked around and was thankful the only damage I had caused was breaking a thin lock. I tracked my landlord down and came up with a bullshit explanation for what had happened. Said it was a nervous breakdown due to university stress- perhaps it was. He didn't seem to know how to react.

The whole experience was eye opening for me in that I realized what a thin, fragile mask my sanity really is, and that perhaps I should see a therapist. So I guess I learned something about myself. One thing's for sure- I will never touch these substances again without sober supervision.


Edited by slightly wiser (11/26/16 04:45 AM)


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InvisibleZymosis
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: slightly wiser]
    #23867903 - 11/26/16 05:28 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Do you or your family have any previous history of mental illness?  If so, stop tripping and get help.

If there is no history of illness, then perhaps you took too high of a dose without any preparation and had a freak out.  Was this your first trip?  I've had freak outs before while tripping with the wrong people and have had scary horror movie type thoughts, but it was more along the lines of "they're going to hurt me", I can't imagine thinking I'm going to hurt someone else


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Offlineslightly wiser
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: Zymosis]
    #23867931 - 11/26/16 05:58 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Zymosis said:
Do you or your family have any previous history of mental illness?  If so, stop tripping and get help.

If there is no history of illness, then perhaps you took too high of a dose without any preparation and had a freak out.  Was this your first trip?  I've had freak outs before while tripping with the wrong people and have had scary horror movie type thoughts, but it was more along the lines of "they're going to hurt me", I can't imagine thinking I'm going to hurt someone else




No history of mental illness as far as I'm aware- although it's possible I am depressed. My paternal grandmother succumbed to dementia as well, after a lifetime of chronic alcohol and pill abuse.

It was my first trip, yes. That + being alone + no preparation/being a surprise trip almost led to a disaster. I feel like I didn't treat the mushrooms with respect, and they showed me something very disturbing about myself.

I am definitely going to a therapist after this.


Edited by slightly wiser (11/26/16 06:05 AM)


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InvisibleZymosis
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: slightly wiser]
    #23867941 - 11/26/16 06:14 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

slightly wiser said:
No history of mental illness as far as I'm aware- perhaps depression? My paternal grandmother succumbed to dementia as well, after a lifetime of chronic alcohol and pill abuse.

It was my first trip, yes. That + being alone + no preparation almost led to a disaster.




While bad trips are uncomfortable, they always serve as good teachers.  Perhaps you can take away from this trip that you need to have more respect for the power of the shroom.

If you want to trip again, prepare yourself.  Perhaps try out some meditation for a while to destress.  Weigh out the dosage, trip with a friend you trust 100%.  I like to prepare a playlist of around 70 to 100 songs before I trip so I have music for the whole thing, and put the playlist on shuffle.  Keep in mind that chillout type songs are best, so avoid hardcore rap or metal for the playlist lol.  Keep a few distractions by to help you change setting if needed, for example an art set, instrument, flower, laser pointer (especially great if you have a cat).


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Offlinewicca mixer
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: Zymosis]
    #23868201 - 11/26/16 08:41 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

When you trip you have to go with the flow of it, and not fight or oppose it. Really I think you would have been better off tripping with someone else who is well used to tripping so that they could help guide you through the trip. Iv'e tripped with my friend a good few times and there has been times when he thought it was getting a bit too much. I always tell him that everything is fine and to just go with the flow, and that I long for those trips where I feel way out of my depth. It always moves his mind to a much more fun and enjoyable trip.

People can be very suggestable when tripping, so it can be easy to guide them into a good trip through suggestion. It can work both ways too because it would be easy to guide someone into a bad trip, so it's important to choose your tripping partners wisely and not trip with someone who might be a complete arsehole to you.

I think your mind showed you some of your insecurities, which may be a good thing because you might work through them and dissolve those insecurities (which is a form of healing).

Iv'e had reality completely come apart before on mushrooms and it was maybe scary and definitely very unsettling, especially with the wonder of if I am going to come back to reality. It showed me how fragile a grip on reality we really have and that there are probably infinite possibilities of how we can perceive reality. The trip you had will probably be one of your most memorable ones if you plan on tripping again in the future. The trips I have had that took me way outside of my comfort zone are the ones I remember and appreciate the most. The wishy washy mild trips are not memorable to me at all.

If a trip is getting too much for you and you are alone, probably the best thing to do is hum or sing or om. The vibrations will settle you, and bring you to a much nicer headspace.


Edited by wicca mixer (11/26/16 08:43 AM)


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OfflineVedicSoma
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: slightly wiser]
    #23868478 - 11/26/16 10:20 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

You learned some important lessons:
Don't act impulsively
Respect the power of the medicine, and for God's sake, weigh your doses!
Start low and go slow.

But another important lesson you learned was the power of the Gayatri Mantra.  I think it is important to learn a mantra / meditation and breathing techniques you can use during tough times, psilocybin-induced or not.

Gayatri Mantra is at the 50 second mark:



The horrible visions are not some indication of a mental disorder.  You just took too much and you were not fully prepared.  It is a mistake you will not soon repeat, right?

Many people evolve through their use of these medicines, and many learn to minimize the use of the medicines by utilizing the ancillary techniques (yoga, breath work, meditation, mantra).


Edited by VedicSoma (11/26/16 10:36 AM)


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OfflineMartain
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: VedicSoma]
    #23868530 - 11/26/16 10:42 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

It sounds like you encountered some fear, and had a mindset reminiscent of a French phrase I've heard of "L’appel du vide" which translates loosely as “The call of the void”.  It's those thoughts we sometimes have like jump of a high place,  crash the car on purpose, that sort of thing.  I imagine on you're own that must've been pretty horrible, so it's always a good idea to make sure you're with someone more sober than yourself, when trying out new things.  You'll be fine!


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Offlinetynan
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: slightly wiser]
    #25963596 - 04/29/19 11:17 PM (4 years, 8 months ago)

Ouch that sucks dude.


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OfflinelillFish
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Re: Bad trip, lucky to have not killed myself [Re: tynan]
    #25985454 - 05/11/19 06:36 AM (4 years, 8 months ago)

I hate that your first time was that experience. I think when you go into it like that, unprepared and reckless, it is bound to happen.


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Edited by lillFish (05/11/19 06:37 AM)


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