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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here 1
#23830062 - 11/13/16 06:26 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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did it at about 2 pm after running around for a lawyer i'm working for. The comeup was rough. I tried to help myself focus my mind on a tough memory of me being homeless about ten years ago. Crying started. I don't really need to go into the details because I doubt anyone cares. It was rough. I get angry and feel myself trying to stop myself from thinking or feeling and the anxiety grows. After about three hours of hell, i left the apartment during rush hour to go to the liquor store. Fear, dissociation, despair, lonliness, isolation from the rest of the world. Was very angry and scared. Got home, drank three shots and got in bath, then out of the bath, laid down on the floor and couldn't take it anymore and started talking to either myself or God. I started crying telling whatever it was how scared and fed up I am with life. I cried like a baby. I felt betrayed, I talked about how separate I felt from nature and the world and cried even harder. I beat my chest and talked about my hate and my love and how crushed and dead I feel inside. About how I hate myself, etc. I cried for like an hour or so, then I was done. Trip was over.
A day later, i am trying to put my face back on and am trying to talk to anyone that can be supportive. I am so angry at everyone and everything and feel like my life has been going nowhere for sometime and I hate myself and everyone and can't seem to relax or feel good. I feel like my mind will not let reality in. It won't process anything. I hear voices that are my thoughts that tend to make assumptions and lie to me about what's going on. They don't know what's going on. I'm afraid of what's going on. I am and feel separated from what's going on. I'm scared of dying. I have wasted my life it seems. I can't remember anything from my past without being overcome with anxiety or lying myself to pretend it didn't happen. This all must have to do with my sexual abuse that I had as a child. I will probably continue to trip once every two weeks. It feels horrible, but hopefully it is helping. It's not a pleasant experience, but neither is being numb.
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weirdguy32
OTD shitstain


Registered: 01/25/15
Posts: 4,397
Loc: Spicemaster SC
Last seen: 19 hours, 47 minutes
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23830077 - 11/13/16 06:32 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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zersha
Stranger


Registered: 04/21/16
Posts: 21
Loc: Wonderland
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: weirdguy32]
#23831380 - 11/14/16 07:18 AM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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You've been through a lot my friend.
You're swallowing harsh medicine and sometimes that's the best thing to do for someone in your situation.
What I'm going to say may be tough to hear but is said with love.
You have not accepted your past and it continues to haunt you, you blame everything around you but not yourself.
YOU let the people of your past dictate how you feel today.
YOU and only YOU cause your anxiety, depression, anger, and detachment.
Although there is good news YOU can change at any moment YOU have that power.
Try to make some time for yourself go on a walk through nature. Nature can heal many wounds if you allow it. Just do something you enjoy.
Once you accept your past you can fully live in the present.
Know you have a purpose and that there is time left.
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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: zersha]
#23833031 - 11/14/16 05:24 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thank you both for kind words and hugs.
I did walk today. When I'm around people I just want to scream or cry or rage and then don't let myself and just feel completely checked out. I just want to give up so bad and it's hard to remedy that thought.
I... can't put into words how I feel or don't feel. I know I must accept my past but I don't know what that's going to take. I can barely accept anything has happened. I'm tired of constantly wanting to hurt myself. I am trying to accept it. I wonder if it's even possible for people as hopeless as me... people that refuse to believe that anything can help them or change for the better. I feel like a pos.
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alina
Stranger


Registered: 01/22/10
Posts: 4
Last seen: 2 months, 1 day
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: thesupersoap33] 1
#23833584 - 11/14/16 07:51 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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is it possible for you to take a break from work and spend some time in nature first? and then once you start to feel comfortable you can think about trying again. but go really really slow. it sounds like you are trapped in your own suffering and it would help to get a wider perspective.. yourself as a being in the natural world. i don't have PTSD or anything remotely close and i STILL would never step foot in rush hour, or in a city at all for that matter!
you need a quite slow peaceful place to heal
-------------------- “every cell in your body is a kind of commune, with once free-living parts all banded together for the common good. And you are made of a hundred trillion cells. We are, each of us, a multitude.” - Cosmos
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Matai


Registered: 05/04/14
Posts: 1,016
Loc: NZ
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: alina]
#23833924 - 11/14/16 09:27 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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That sounds really horrible, I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. Do you do any exercise? I personally find running to be an extremely positive and rewarding hobby, and great for my mental health. I'm not naive enough to think that running can undo years of sexual abuse and PTSD, but perhaps it would be better than nothing?
In any case, I'm thinking of you. I hope things start looking up for you.
-------------------- All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream
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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: Matai]
#23835528 - 11/15/16 01:38 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm trying to get unemployment right now. Feels pretty shitty, but I would like to go camping. I have plenty of acid and shrooms. It's only a once every two weeks thing though.
I've been waking up in the night with all this terrible shit in my head and the fear of death, wasted life, the irreversibility of life, the regrets, the anger, the dissociation and pushing it all away... I agree. I need time and perhaps nature. I can't stop thinking that medical weed would help with some of this shit too. I'm in a Southern state and either need to shit or get off the pot! I feel like just getting in my car and moving out west where I can grow or at least smoke more. There has to be more people using medicine like this in a trauma-therapeutic way too.
I walk every morning and ride a bike about 50 miles a week and try to go to the gym at least twice. I do what I can. Some days I'm planted though, and don't even want to look at the windows in my apartment.
Thanks for all your concern. I don't think I'm being a baby. I really need to get this shit out of me.
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KRrackz
Stranger
Registered: 03/26/16
Posts: 30
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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Re: 1.1 g mushroom trip, ptsd sufferer here [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23864112 - 11/24/16 04:59 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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Keep on keepin on, my friend. I have dealt with similar feelings without diagnosis. I had a brutal childhood in the sense that my mom never healed from her sexual abuse, and that leaked through into a relatively unloved childhood. It is what it is, I see that now. I took mushrooms at my lowest point, to the tune of 2 grams with my brother last August. I remember how peaceful I felt, the land flowed like waves in the ocean, yet when it got to me I was not afraid. Buildings melted, plants breathed, and the stars seems to burst with light, and I could feel the dsitance between it all, and it felt like on the other side of this ball that we call the Universe, there was pure, white, light.
That feeling gave me hope, that we are all one process and it really is a loving ball of light, just ready to explode with joy. One question I asked was if love is the true nature of the universe, then why is there suffering? Through some spiritual practises and meditation I have learned or at least think I have learend, in order to have joy, happiness, and love, there must also be the opposite of that, pain, sorrow, grief, depression. I was SO SO low on myself, beating myself up every day, if I forgot to lay a towel on the toilet before a shower I would shit on myself for at least 10 minutes, it was that bad.
Now I can't say that to anyone else's perspective my life has improved that much, it has not. I still don't have great social skills and I still live at home, but now I at least can reference the lesson, that there are 2 sides to each coin. The point I am (trying) to make here I guess, is, you can choose which side of teh coin to be on. It may seem absolutely impossible in the moment and if youre like me at all you will have a firestorm of doubt swirling in your mind. I try to view those doubts and thoughts as clouds, or birds in the sky. You can watch as they pass your view, they may swoop back into your view, but you can also make the choice to follow them and cling to them, but they were always going to leave eventually.
So have faith my friend, you are loved, in fact, you ARE LOVE. That is what it's all about, love yourself, at your own pace. Accept what has been done, and hope for the future, while living in the one moment we ever really have, Now. Be Here Now, for now is always perfect.
As Ram Dass once said.. " We are all just walking each other home"
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