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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Alien territory
    #23802323 - 11/05/16 01:32 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Big theme to my realizations today...

Normal people stuff is totally alien to me

Like human relationships, money, jobs, the practical bits of daily living, and of course, sex. The whole time I tried to be a normal person, I was fooling myself. Life is not supposed to be that hard. Life IS NOT that hard for people who are actually what I'm calling "normal people."

In college one of my dorm suitemates came in my room and said her roommate told her she thought I was an alien. She asked me if it was true. I thought she was joking (this was back when I was living a false identity, with no internal guidance), so I said, "Well, maybe." She responded with, "Can't talk about it, right?" Joke or not, it was pretty bizarre.

Years later at the crisis stabilization unit, the psychologist told me I was a starseed. Back then I was really denying my own spirituality because I was desperate to be normal to get on my parents' good side to stop getting abused (and be able to have a career so I could get away from them). I bristled at the term starseed because I'd read the negative stuff (like it's just something for losers to call themselves to make themselves feel special), it took me a few years to see that I actually was a starseed. But even now, I don't relate to a lot of the "starseed stuff" I see...on the whole it seems kind of goofy to me...like it's not being understood symbolically enough. In order for me to feel comfortable with identifying as one, I had to come to my own intuitive understanding of it, through sort of a mystery religion angle, not in terms of examining existing systems, but just having my guides/ghost point things out to me and stitch things together using existing symbolism, basic concepts.

I'm still coming to a full awareness of just how much I don't identify with normal, basic, concrete human stuff. I have to translate a lot of things I see and hear into abstract Kundalini symbolism to be able to identify with them.

Anything resembling a normal life is totally out of the picture for me. I think I'm going to end up living in a basement and being totally withdrawn because my relationship is with a universal force, not people on a personal, concrete, human, flesh-and-daily-living level. I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately, and I just don't think I'm cut out for something human, which is simultaneously a huge disappointment and a relief. I don't have anything left to invest or offer in the practical world. I don't have the physical energy to fake being a physical person anymore. I can't pull off that lifestyle. I can't meet anyone halfway. And there's no point in me finding someone else like me because that's just two invalids being invalids together speaking subjective symbolism at each other. Who does the dishes? Who does the grocery shopping? Who makes sure bills get paid? I usually don't even know what day it is anymore, I can't be relied on to keep the electricity on. My mom does all this right now. (She's always been obsessed with a fear of me getting kidnapped, I'm sure she's thrilled I don't leave the house, although she simultaneously is hellbent on getting me to think I'm seriously mentally ill because I'm not a physical person living a normal physical life...and she wants to say I "hallucinated" her abuse)

All this spiritual stuff is really boring to me. Boring but safe because it's my natural element. I'm not complaining about the safe part, I'm definitely ready to have a comfort zone after having no access to it for 25 years.


Edited by 100_the_cat (11/05/16 01:42 AM)


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23802361 - 11/05/16 02:02 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

First of all, you're pretty smart. So that means you'll probably find a solution to all this eventually.

There's always solutions. Always. Even if you injure your brain.

Anyway,

starseed... interesting, I've been out of body into non-Earth realms many times.

Can you organise some kind of inheritance of the house your parent(s) possibly own?

If so, you can probably just claim disability support pension or whatever it is in USA for life given you have a mental illness.

So you'll be fine then. Material wealth brings nothing. The richest people of this world are among the most impoverished.

So then,

"normal life" -

Normal life how you sell yourself out. Culture is a conspiracy against the expansion of consciousness. These people apparently living such happy lives, they are probably kind of happy, but they're missing the REALLY good stuff, they also will never "arrive" into their dream, because the Western dream leads nowhere - it's a lie.

Try to stay out of the basement,

try to get into Nature. Visit rainforests regularly. Try to see the hidden landscapes.

There are dimensions all around you, that you change the nature of your being in order to see.

The most you have to do is: nothing. Just turn your back on the culture "and get with the program of a living world and the imagination."

That doesn't mean walking around going "hurr durr this is Lord of the Rings and I'm an orc, grr", it means literally stepping into vistas of your own psyche. Whole worlds, whole realms.

IT'S ABOUT YOU
IT'S ABOUT YOU
IT'S ABOUT YOU

It's all about you. Us loners are the ones that are doing it right.

:heart:

My life is great, and gets better every moment, as I understand better.

EVASION - EVADE THE CULTURE, TV, RADIO, CLUBS, INSTITUTIONS

That's what I do. Act when need be, conform a little when need be. Try to empower others a little, drink beer and buy better sound equipment for my music listening needs for their economy.

Then I go out for walks and drives . . . deep into my own imagination.

Lately I'm realising I can just do this in my backyard. I don't need to go anywhere. Every turn, every glance in my backyard is a new dimension/perspective/experience.

I will inherit my mum's house, that I'm in right now. I'm on a support pension and if I just tell them what I'm experiencing they won't make me work, and it's true, so, if they do anything I'll take them to court haha.

So I'm set.

All you have to do is NOTHING. Then the mystery presents itself. Dimensions, levels, of your own psyche, now in your visual field, since "the world" is consciousness and co-created by your mind.

PS. We have a lot in common.


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


Edited by beforethedawn (11/05/16 02:08 AM)


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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Re: Alien territory [Re: beforethedawn]
    #23802406 - 11/05/16 02:51 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I'm not going to regurgitate everything I've repeatedly said on this board

I don't have schizophrenia. I'm an INFJ.

I'm actually a real mystic. This is not mental illness

I feel like I'm the only person on here who understands the difference


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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23802409 - 11/05/16 02:55 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

And that critical lack of understanding is exactly the kind of thing that makes me want to live in a basement

Just to get away from all the bullshit


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23802410 - 11/05/16 02:56 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I didn't mean it in a derogatory way.

I meant the health system would classify you as such.

As they do me . . .

I too, would say, since you do, that I'm a real mystic.

Some of your claims are really out there though, I don't quite understand all of it.

Schizophrenia has turned into authentic mysticism, for me.


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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OfflineBuster_Brown
L'une
Male User Gallery

Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 3 days, 16 hours
Re: Alien territory [Re: beforethedawn]
    #23802504 - 11/05/16 05:26 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

beforethedawn said:
First of all, you're pretty...




'Pics' or it didn't happen,lol


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OfflineEclipse3130
Servant of the Fungi
Male User Gallery


Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 6,221
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 3 hours, 36 minutes
Re: Alien territory [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #23802818 - 11/05/16 09:29 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Gotta start crafting your sacred circle. (Like minded friends)


--------------------
"In The Material World One seeks retirement and grows Old
In The Magical World One seeks Enlightenment and grows Wiser
In The Miraculous World One seeks nothing and grows Lighter
As we all tread the Homeward Path we will explore many Realms
And one day... we will all Realize that all experiences are Simply
Different ways in which The
All-That Is
Perceives Itself"


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OfflineBuster_Brown
L'une
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Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 3 days, 16 hours
Re: Alien territory [Re: Eclipse3130]
    #23803112 - 11/05/16 11:40 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

"From the end of the world to your town (circle)" lyric


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Offlinebigdoodie
it does not matter
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/24/16
Posts: 238
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
Re: Alien territory *DELETED* [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23803766 - 11/05/16 03:50 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Post deleted by bigdoodie

Reason for deletion: Bonerballs



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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,859
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
Re: Alien territory [Re: bigdoodie]
    #23803787 - 11/05/16 03:57 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Uh but the Self is bliss eternal?


--------------------
Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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Invisiblephio


Registered: 10/07/16
Posts: 369
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23803863 - 11/05/16 04:31 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

At the end of the day, you have to accept that you have to maintain and function in a physical frame. Do that and put it in its right place and priority in your life, and there is more than enough time to ponder about the metaphysics of existence and the other frames of existence.


So, lets run through it ...

Human relationships
Not all relationships are created equal. There are different people and different cultures. True enough, in western society currently, a lot of relationships are predicated on foolishness . There are exceptions. There are others whom are compatible with you.

Money
Money is necessary for survival : Food, Water, Shelter.
You can maintain a non-materialistic life and still seek Money for survival


Job
Job gets you money


the practical bits of daily living
Again, you're grounded in a physical frame. There are bare necessities that need taking care of. Get them done and you have more than enough time for the other stuff in your life

sex
Sex isn't that serious. It's a path to reproduction. When shared with someone you have a deep connection with, its amazing. Otherwise, it's just a nut.. Just a rush..

So, you're
Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Feeling (F), Judgment (J)

You're not the only one. You can be functional in the physical real-world and still retreat to your inner world and self for fulfillment. The inner world is not hollow.. It's as infinite as the outside world. As such, you can live an amazing fulfilling life all on your own and if you chose meet friends and develop very amazing relationships with like people.

America is structured to favor and suggests that extroverts change the world when it is in fact introverts that fundamentally change the world as they remain still long enough to understand something about the world and, when they share this understanding, it propels man forward significantly.

You're not an alien and you're not the only INFJ in the world.
Journey on and explore... As there is no big deal in x,y,z .. There's nothing to fear about it.

Grab life by the pussy !!!!
:nicesmile:


Edited by phio (11/05/16 07:15 PM)


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Offlinebigdoodie
it does not matter
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Registered: 06/24/16
Posts: 238
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Re: Alien territory [Re: phio]
    #23803884 - 11/05/16 04:37 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

No take my advice! It's better!! Lol


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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Re: Alien territory [Re: bigdoodie]
    #23805377 - 11/06/16 04:12 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I think all your advice sucks

I'm not even here for advice, just an audience

When I say I'm an INFJ, I mean something very specific by that

I'm communicating a hell of a lot about how I operate just by revealing what my dominant function is

I'm revealing my limitations by communicating what my inferior function is

It's not a test result to me, it's something I spent a lot of time analyzing by looking at cognitive functions

So basically it's a way to abbreviate a lot of info about me

I'm not throwing it in there like some quiz result you slap on Facebook after spending 5 minutes on it

I've spent several years reflecting on this

INFJs are not prone to schizophrenia because we have dominant Ni

I spent over a decade in the mental health system, I do not have a diagnosis of schizophrenia

I was treated for Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and a sleep disorder resembling narcolepsy or hypersomnia

The way I experience my life energetically has nothing to do with any of that. My mystical experiences are not a product of mental illness, never were, and I don't even identify with these illnesses anymore. I haven't taken meds for years, I'm not in therapy anymore, I don't use doctors

Disability is not easy to get, especially if you're my age. I was turned down twice. I lived in a center for homeless women for 4 years, heard all my neighbors talking about their cases. The only people who were on disability there were people who were seriously mentally ill. (I'm not one of those people.) Disability lawyers are not willing to file for me anymore since I don't use doctors or take meds. They know a judge won't take my case seriously unless I have an endless stream of medical documentation.

And besides, I'm not this way because of "illness." This is just my personality. I only use the word "invalid" to describe the practical effect of having inferior Se.

My parents don't own a house. As I've already disclosed in another thread, my family lost their house to foreclosure when the IRS took my dad's entire paycheck several times in a row for not filing taxes for 6 years. He was working as a lawyer, got fired after that happened, and now he answers a phone in a call center for a living. That was years ago and my family has not owned a house since. My parents are not the kind of people who save money. I will not be inheriting anything substantial.


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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23805386 - 11/06/16 04:30 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I don't have anything against money or society in general, I'd actually prefer to be wealthy and influential

Sex is a pretty big deal to me...but not in the ways or for the reasons you describe

That's a very shallow rendering to me

I don't know guys...I'm really gonna sound like a dick here, but I'm about to enter my third year of Pluto squaring my 3rd house Saturn, and at this point I feel like 99.999999% (sometimes a full 100%) of people just don't deserve to hear what I have to say.


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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23805410 - 11/06/16 05:25 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I'm not the kind of person who can or should work a job

I'm horizontal all the time

I'm experiencing Kundalini 24/7

It's just who I am

Like that's my default mode

I belong to something that is beyond my control

That's spiritual marriage

The upside is free spiritual drugs without trying, free insight, all that stuff...the upper crust of spiritual experience, I get handed to me on a platter daily. Easy street. Because I'm Ni dominant.

That comes at the expense of living a fulfilling physical life.

And what pisses me off is the lack of recognition for being good at what I'm good at. You know? Like if I were to cut hair for a living, that's something respectable. That's something people take seriously. But being a mystic, it's like, ok, you're just mentally ill or dabbling. No, I have literally been forced to sacrifice everything for this, just so I could lay down all day and be a full-time mystic. Like this is literally my life 24/7. I'm not just some fuckup stoner who read some books and went on some vision quests. I'm also NOT someone who went insane by getting in over their head with spirituality. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. I NATURALLY have the constitution to safely and easily handle Kundalini on what could be considered a "professional level," and I have done so consistently for several years now. I have given over my life 100% to this. Do you know what I mean? I got straight As in school, I went to one of the best design schools in the world -- one of the most grueling. I'm the kind of person who dedicates and goes all the way with something. And on top of that, I lived a truly hellish life. Most people would kill themselves over 1/3 of what I've lived through. I don't know what else a person has to do to get some fucking respect.

Something is not right about this dynamic. There's something off about me receiving advice from people who don't even have the insight I do. This reminds me of why I cut off my last therapist (and quit therapy altogether). I got to a point with him where I felt like he should be the one paying ME to come in there, not the other way around. I had more to offer him than he did me. I'm well aware that's arrogant as fuck, but I can't take any more of this bullshit.


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Invisible100_the_cat
Female
Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23805454 - 11/06/16 06:23 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

And I really hate talking about ancient history like school, because it has no value in the real world, and I'm 34 years old, but it's a way for me to illustrate something about the way I approach things in general

Like if you're gonna do something, go all the way and be the best at it. I didn't end up with a career in design even though I went to a prestigious school because an INFJ cannot EVER be the best at execution. That is impossible with inferior Se. Too much resistance to the physical world

I have NO resistance to the spiritual world due to dominant Ni. That's why I can handle anything in my energy body. Automatic Kundalini 24/7 with no hangups. It is not an illness state. It's me being the best at spirituality. That's why I say I'm the real thing.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body
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Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country
Last seen: 12 days, 5 hours
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23805798 - 11/06/16 09:11 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

The way this world is, I'm not amazed one like you has hard times,, frustrations as evidenced above by misunderstanding, more.
  If "difficulty" is the wrong word to say, then how "normalcy" feeling alien.... Every thing right, is wrong.  Everything wrong, is right.
  so weird, to witness.  Some days I don't feel like going through it, have to force myself.  Being at work dealing with assholes is annoying and fake.... I keep wanting to accept them, understand them, highlight their good and help them want to express it, but it's the wrong setting.    Many are this way I imagine.....

If you lie in tune today, where you are, with what is happening around you is just business as usual, you are not believed or valued, because the world is backward.

If you lie in tune tomorrow, where you are, with what is happening around suddenly going from business usual (which is so backwards) to formal conditions brought by, say, and earthquake, or massive EMP, or a supervolcano blowing up, blue sky's and smiles gone from each face immediately, and after the next few months, no one will smile again, not as they used to.  Life as it is spun like a ball on a finger, fast, when it settles down, it's a mess.  For almost everyone.
Everyone, but the mystics who got it all along, they lost the least.  Their home is gone and all they own, they may find a blanket and a quiet spot, while the once regular panic.  Then you make your way far from it, until it settles down.  Nothing there concerning, meaningful.
Years have gone by, many days of death and loss and suffering for the once regular.  And there is the once irregular, the mystic, still experiencing what she was before, in tune sitting.  They will come to you, and you won't be easy to reach so that only the most respectful and dedicated will reach you, bringing you offers of kindness to make your life better, but you only accept what you know you may need, sitting the lesser gestures away and dismissing the giver at times because no hope stays for some....  if they're lucky, you'll admit them to speak and interrupt their sense..... but many will have to approach, then sit patiently for days before you acknowledge. .
.....may be happening, your body and mind at tuning or trying to attune to the physical and mental level you need to be on, to survive what is coming.
You're still young compared to what you will be.  I think you are beyond what many ever get, but far away from what you will be - to yourself, and or to others.


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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OfflineLRG
Supernaut
Male
Registered: 04/04/16
Posts: 871
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23806509 - 11/06/16 12:53 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

"psychologist told me I was a starseed"

Welcome to the club brother.

Being here on Mother Earth is a blessing. Don't try and leave Her. She needs our help.


--------------------
"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.” - Gandalf The Grey.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm HAMMERED DRUNK!" - Cal Naughton Jr. AKA The Magic Man. Abracadabra homes!

"Each tear is a drop of poison released." - Anonymous

"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say if they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to Love."


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Offlinelovuasca
Strange
I'm a teapot

Registered: 09/10/16
Posts: 72
Loc: Level 0
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Re: Alien territory [Re: LRG]
    #23807155 - 11/06/16 03:40 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I don't think its very uncommon for a starseed to feel disconnected from society. I myself have never actually cared for many of the stuff normal people care for. I've had some rought times where I started wandering on the streets thinking about all this stuff.
This does not mean you're not cut out for being human. You're comparing yourself with 'normal' humans, but they don't have a lot of human to experience in the first place. If you get caught up in all these societal issues like they do (and like we all ineffably do to a certain degree), you don't really get to live in the first place. Remember that.
Being alive already means you've been through quite a lot.
Being awake means you get to figure out now how to live your own way. It often also means you get to be on your own.
All the negativity you may be experiencing right now will not always be so. It may seem like a problem to be 'different', but unfortately your need to be aware of this negativity in order to be able to steer yourself away from that in the first place.

Anyway, hope that helps. Remember that you are not the only one with such problems.

Also, it is nice to see some openminded people work in conventional medicine practices. :wink:


--------------------

It doesn't matter whether you are christian, muslim, jew, atheist or ascribe to any other belief-system.
It doesn't matter whether you look out to the stars, or under a microscope to the tiniest of particles.
It doesn't even matter what kind of practice you perform to reach your goal.
Because if you keep looking, everything eventually leads to the same truth, like a fractal that contains itself in every direction you take it.
You will find yourself.

I love you.

Blatant self-advertisement.


Edited by lovuasca (11/06/16 03:41 PM)


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OfflineLRG
Supernaut
Male
Registered: 04/04/16
Posts: 871
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: Alien territory [Re: lovuasca]
    #23807812 - 11/06/16 07:10 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

lovuasca said:
I don't think its very uncommon for a starseed to feel disconnected from society. I myself have never actually cared for many of the stuff normal people care for. I've had some rought times where I started wandering on the streets thinking about all this stuff.
This does not mean you're not cut out for being human. You're comparing yourself with 'normal' humans, but they don't have a lot of human to experience in the first place. If you get caught up in all these societal issues like they do (and like we all ineffably do to a certain degree), you don't really get to live in the first place. Remember that.
Being alive already means you've been through quite a lot.
Being awake means you get to figure out now how to live your own way. It often also means you get to be on your own.
All the negativity you may be experiencing right now will not always be so. It may seem like a problem to be 'different', but unfortately your need to be aware of this negativity in order to be able to steer yourself away from that in the first place.

Anyway, hope that helps. Remember that you are not the only one with such problems.

Also, it is nice to see some openminded people work in conventional medicine practices. :wink:




Preaching to the choir bro. I don't even need to search. I just know these things. Everything comes easy to me because I've done it so many times, probably. I've been awake. I've been asleep. I've seen eternity. Too many times. I can't even remember that I have, but I know I have. I get tons and tons of kingdoms on the other side just because of who I am and what I do for people. Sadly, I don't do much for myself because I don't believe in selfishness and being proud about being compassionate. JC says I should beat my chest more and burn bright for myself and not them so much.

I like helping people. It's just an easier way to live here and in Spirit. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Don't shy away from them because they're puny humans. We protect this generation from another. Remember that... or perhaps you're not privy to that yet. Depression is easy for me to slip out of, just help the ones you can.

I Love wicked people and negative idiots. I love seeing their faces when it happens. Once again I don't even know that I do. I just know. It's a fun way to go about business down here. It's always a surprise when it happens.


--------------------
"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.” - Gandalf The Grey.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm HAMMERED DRUNK!" - Cal Naughton Jr. AKA The Magic Man. Abracadabra homes!

"Each tear is a drop of poison released." - Anonymous

"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say if they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to Love."


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
Male User Gallery


Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23807890 - 11/06/16 07:45 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

100_the_cat said:
I'm not the kind of person who can or should work a job

I'm horizontal all the time

I'm experiencing Kundalini 24/7

It's just who I am

Like that's my default mode

I belong to something that is beyond my control

That's spiritual marriage

The upside is free spiritual drugs without trying, free insight, all that stuff...the upper crust of spiritual experience, I get handed to me on a platter daily. Easy street. Because I'm Ni dominant.

That comes at the expense of living a fulfilling physical life.

And what pisses me off is the lack of recognition for being good at what I'm good at. You know? Like if I were to cut hair for a living, that's something respectable. That's something people take seriously. But being a mystic, it's like, ok, you're just mentally ill or dabbling. No, I have literally been forced to sacrifice everything for this, just so I could lay down all day and be a full-time mystic. Like this is literally my life 24/7. I'm not just some fuckup stoner who read some books and went on some vision quests. I'm also NOT someone who went insane by getting in over their head with spirituality. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. I NATURALLY have the constitution to safely and easily handle Kundalini on what could be considered a "professional level," and I have done so consistently for several years now. I have given over my life 100% to this. Do you know what I mean? I got straight As in school, I went to one of the best design schools in the world -- one of the most grueling. I'm the kind of person who dedicates and goes all the way with something. And on top of that, I lived a truly hellish life. Most people would kill themselves over 1/3 of what I've lived through. I don't know what else a person has to do to get some fucking respect.

Something is not right about this dynamic. There's something off about me receiving advice from people who don't even have the insight I do. This reminds me of why I cut off my last therapist (and quit therapy altogether). I got to a point with him where I felt like he should be the one paying ME to come in there, not the other way around. I had more to offer him than he did me. I'm well aware that's arrogant as fuck, but I can't take any more of this bullshit.




Hey man, just wanted to say I can relate and I'm here for ya. I'm an INTP/INFP and normally my type of personality cannot keep a job, cannot take very good care of themselves or act like a normal person.

I met an INFJ girl that is pushing me to become more normal.. at first I resisted but things are unfolding now.
I'm learning a lot about myself as she is a psychic and astrologist.
Some things are predetermined.. for example, I HAD to go through horrible times. I'm just lucky that this year is a good year for me.

You're right.. you don't have mental illness. You have mental awareness. It's a fucking curse. I have also been through utter, utter hell... I tried to kill myself several times. Spent a lot of time in hospitals...

I am healthier now, but my personality remains the same.

I don't want to give you advice. I appreciate your sharing. So you know about astrology..
When are things going to turn up for you? Is there any way to take advantage of your personality? Like, do you know what careers or life path is suited to you? Are you suppose to be a mystic? There is a ton of things you can do with that.

You are NOT going to be cool living a 9 to 5 life. That's just not your personality. Not mine either.

Hope you find happiness.. hope you find some semblance of normality.
Cheers dude :cheers:


--------------------


Edited by EternalCowabunga (11/06/16 07:46 PM)


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Offlinevacantrain
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Re: Alien territory [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #23808360 - 11/07/16 12:11 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I've felt like how I am interpreting what you are describing, and then I was told that have to pay the price or it's not magic. 

I can say with confidence the vast majority of those beloved mystics with an audience are fake.  It is most probable that whatever human has gone farthest ever is someone who we have never heard of...which would you rather have?


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: vacantrain]
    #23808389 - 11/07/16 12:33 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I don't necessarily want the audience for mysticism...just an audience, period

I'm trying to get needs met that went unmet by primary caregivers from childhood on or were somehow stifled

It's just your basic trophy child syndrome


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808401 - 11/07/16 12:44 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I don't use astrology for positive predictions really...

I'm not a technical or detail/precision person with it

I just use it as a loose framework for my intuition

I'm more interested in themes than chronology, but I view my life in terms of Pluto transits, because those are guaranteed to bring catastrophic loss, like becoming homeless, losing everything you own, losing your job, being the victim of crime, etc

It's kind of like I'm just here for a big Pluto party


Edited by 100_the_cat (11/07/16 01:11 AM)


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808424 - 11/07/16 12:56 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

In fact, one of the reasons I live the way I do and don't bother trying to establish anything in the physical world anymore is because I've been through enough loss in a Pluto sort of way to realize that anything I build will be destroyed. The only thing that can't be taken away from me is what's going on in my energy body. So in other words, Kundalini.


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Offlinevacantrain
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808480 - 11/07/16 02:10 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

100_the_cat said:
I don't necessarily want the audience for mysticism...just an audience, period




What would you do with it?


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: vacantrain]
    #23808573 - 11/07/16 04:18 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Well...I think the whole point of a spotlight is to bask in it

Anyone I speak to is an audience...even if I'm not getting the reception I want

When I used to go out to clubs and dance, the people watching me were my audience

And now for a bunch of extra shit I feel like saying:

I used to go for long walks every day in my neighborhood along a busy street...even that was a performance for me. I think it's a Leo rising thing. I have a 10th house sun, too. It's really embarrassing, but I can't help it. And what makes it even worse is that I tell myself nobody could possibly be paying attention to me (to keep from feeling too good about myself, because I've been viciously torn down for that), so I end up doing shit like nobody's watching...like in this case, walking around listening to Kylie Minogue, strutting in time to the music like I actually AM Kylie Minogue...like the kind of thing you should really be doing in secret in your bedroom, or at least limit it to a club...and then when people would honk at me, I'd snap back to reality and assume people think I'm crazy.

I always feel like I'm on a stage. I think part of the reason I stopped leaving the house this year is because I really freak myself out with it. It definitely engages my inferior function to a terrifying extent if I play it out physically. There's a part of me that is terrified to get attention, I have a specific traumatic incident in my childhood that I think implanted the idea that it's wrong for me to have the spotlight. So anyway, it's much easier for me to handle or channel it in a format that doesn't engage my inferior so much, like writing...message boards...I can do less damage to myself that way

As long as I stick to mysticism, I can't overexert myself physically. Because I'm staying in my dominant function. I also don't get myself into activities that feel dangerous psychologically...like the stuff I mentioned above...

Even if I'm just walking into a gas station, or work, or school (back when I did those things), I feel like I'm the queen arriving to bless the peasants with my presence...isn't that horrible. Unless you're Beyonce or something. I know how much people hate it when non-stars act like this, so I try to tone it down with an "I'm sorry and humble" look.


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OfflineLRG
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808584 - 11/07/16 04:31 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I'm an Ophiuchus, the snake. I wait for the final moment to strike. I don't need an audience. Just a bunch of fools in my coils who were dumb enough to challenge The One. NOM NOM NOM NOM! I'm like Cartman "Your tears taste so good!"

Everyone is drawn to the snake, Wisdom... until it's a snake with a bad temperament. Everyone is drawn to Fire until it's a fire breathing dragon and you're nothing but ash. We're all drawn to Water until we're surrounded by it and drowning. We're all drawn to Wind until it begins to rip our skin from our bones. We're all drawn to the Earth until it explodes.

Kings and Queens don't have servants or peer down their noses at others. They are a servant of the people, nothing more.


--------------------
"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.” - Gandalf The Grey.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm HAMMERED DRUNK!" - Cal Naughton Jr. AKA The Magic Man. Abracadabra homes!

"Each tear is a drop of poison released." - Anonymous

"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say if they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to Love."


Edited by LRG (11/07/16 04:32 AM)


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808597 - 11/07/16 04:43 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Well, I can definitely tell you that's how it feels for a Leo rising with a 10th house sun.

There IS such a thing as a pompous attention-whoring asshole. I am one.


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OfflineLRG
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808618 - 11/07/16 05:10 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

100_the_cat said:
Well, I can definitely tell you that's how it feels for a Leo rising with a 10th house sun.

There IS such a thing as a pompous attention-whoring asshole. I am one.




Well... Queens do have servants. I should correct myself there. Their servant is their King. That's why she gets to service DIS DIIIICK. Lots of ladies wanted it, but only one gets it. Found a King who treats you like a Queen yet? The world is your oyster and he will be your pearl. Words paraphrased from JC, not me.

At least you can judge yourself rightly. We are our own worst critics, but we are also our own WORTHY critics.

Take me for example. I am very displeased about serving self serving idiots.


--------------------
"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.” - Gandalf The Grey.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm HAMMERED DRUNK!" - Cal Naughton Jr. AKA The Magic Man. Abracadabra homes!

"Each tear is a drop of poison released." - Anonymous

"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say if they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to Love."


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: LRG]
    #23808633 - 11/07/16 05:31 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

One reason I think I'll end up withdrawing into myself is because an internal, spiritual spotlight (Ni) makes more sense for an INFJ than a worldly spotlight. And I think the whole reason I've been treated like shit so much in my life (my experience with the world has been overwhelmingly negative) is because my inferior function is Se. I just have a really bad relationship with the world outside me.


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: LRG]
    #23808642 - 11/07/16 05:40 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

LRG said:
Quote:

100_the_cat said:
Well, I can definitely tell you that's how it feels for a Leo rising with a 10th house sun.

There IS such a thing as a pompous attention-whoring asshole. I am one.




Well... Queens do have servants. I should correct myself there. Their servant is their King. That's why she gets to service DIS DIIIICK. Lots of ladies wanted it, but only one gets it. Found a King who treats you like a Queen yet? The world is your oyster and he will be your pearl. Words paraphrased from JC, not me.

At least you can judge yourself rightly. We are our own worst critics, but we are also our own WORTHY critics.

Take me for example. I am very displeased about serving self serving idiots.




Yeah, and see, even when I preemptively cut myself down for people like you, you still jump in and crush me even further. Very selfish of you. I'm just trying to do you people a favor so I can survive. But thanks for demonstrating the exact abuser behavior that convinced me to have low self-esteem in the first place.

People like you have been acting like this at my expense my entire life. All I was doing was accommodating you. The least you could do is thank me instead of spitting on me.


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OfflineLRG
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23808678 - 11/07/16 06:07 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

You sound like The Man. But He is Humble. Infinitely Humble, infinitely Compassionate. Everything good we are He IS. Your darkest days and nightmarish nights don't come close to what He experiences on a moment to moment basis.

Do you hear the cry of a mother whale who cannot feed her baby? I say that a lot, but ask yourself could you bear the thought of that alone?

May I ask you this... who put a gavel in your hand to judge others?

You preemptively judge me based on your past experiences. Sorry, you've been taken advantage of in the past. Sorry people look down on you. I am hands down one of the nicest men you will ever meet. I am very feminine. Don't be jealous of my Queen. I respect her above all others and Love her more than God. She's the boss, I'm just a dick when I need to be.

How dare you presume to judge me as an abuser. Never ever will I ever in my life abuse another. I have zero patience for people who can't help themselves.

Feel like you're doing me a favor by blessing me with your words of misery? Sit and wallow in self pity for all I care. My compassion ends where your passion for misery begins.


--------------------
"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.” - Gandalf The Grey.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

"I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm HAMMERED DRUNK!" - Cal Naughton Jr. AKA The Magic Man. Abracadabra homes!

"Each tear is a drop of poison released." - Anonymous

"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say if they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to Love."


Edited by LRG (11/07/16 06:08 AM)


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: LRG]
    #23810747 - 11/07/16 07:11 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Whatever, dude


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Offlinebigdoodie
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23813533 - 11/08/16 05:50 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

It's hypocritical to judge anyone at all, we are all guilty of the same things. Not only that, but we're all the same person, that's all we're trying to figure out in life. On another note I highly recommend studying sorcery and the occult if you're into astrology, the universe functions by symbols, not laws, the only thing that is quantifiable is consciousness and the division between matter and antimatter, it's what we believe in that forms any sort of division, so astrology is impractical without that knowledge (I believe)


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: bigdoodie]
    #23813744 - 11/08/16 06:59 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

If I don't judge people and set boundaries, I end up with drug addicts, criminals, and abusers in my life

Already been there

Learned my lesson from being too tolerant, too nice

Occultism...meh, studying is bad for me at this point

I know what I need to know

Any new little bits and pieces I need come to me whenever appropriate

I was in BOTA for 2 years, then Kundalini kicked up and my intuition took over. Couldn't apply myself to external authority or structure anymore. Too many details for me, anyway. I'm native to the super-big-picture level. All I need is the top-level concept.

Sorcery is backwards and unhealthy for me. I have to take a passive approach. Reception, not doing.

In tarot terms, I'm the high priestess, not the magician

I spent years reading books before all that but I don't really even count that because I didn't have the kind of consciousness for things to really click. So I don't even remember a lot of that stuff. I just rely on internal guidance now. Stuff that I read doesn't stick unless it's something my guides have brought to my attention...and they prefer to do that via basic everyday stuff like popular media and random stuff people say....song lyrics....


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23813781 - 11/08/16 07:12 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

My consciousness already functions symbolically

I'm tuned into the subconscious level, that's where my ghost is

I went through a whole process a couple years ago over at least a few months (can't remember) where language and image were broken down symbolically, reduced as far as possible, down to the core. I was basically given the language of subconsciousness. By guides


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23813860 - 11/08/16 07:46 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

But it's not about just keeping out the bad seeds

It's also about cultivating who I want in my reality

Weeding out whatever doesn't appeal to me

I don't have the energy to fuck around with shit I'm just tolerating anymore


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Offlinebigdoodie
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23814186 - 11/08/16 09:17 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

The fact remains, that we are all the same person, only our self exists, the one of us, and it's hypocritical to judge another. I think youre just looking for a good enough reason to stop what you're doing


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: bigdoodie]
    #23814234 - 11/08/16 09:29 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I only experience oneness in my intuition (the spiritual realm)

Not in physicality

The physical world is where I have to set boundaries or I pay dearly because I experience it dualistically since I'm INFJ

In order to set a boundary, I have to make a judgement

My place where I don't need to judge is with spirits and energy

All that stuff is just one thing to me

Nothing there can hurt me, I'm naturally on good terms with all of it

People/things/activities/environments are what I must judge and weed out to maintain my own health and safety


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23814262 - 11/08/16 09:36 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

From my perspective, we are not all the same person

I'm what is real, everybody outside of me is a tarot card


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Offlineaioka
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23814367 - 11/08/16 10:06 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

im pretty fucd like u but just reading that makes me confirm why im wierd and introverted because humans are too godamn complicated

...people..., wig me out because of the 1 million things that go across a mind in a 2 word conversation..
...
ignorance is bliss and simplicity would be awesome this day in age.. it;s wierd but i wouldn't actually mind living in like an old simple time

..not to mention mixture of alcohol and drugs most young people are using that can make situations even more unsettling..


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Re: Alien territory [Re: aioka]
    #23814412 - 11/08/16 10:20 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

yep, adult people are complicated..

that's why I prefer chilling with my nephews and neices


--------------------


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: EternalCowabunga]
    #23815151 - 11/09/16 04:29 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I've been unfairly harshly judged my whole life

So that was basically training for me to become a person who judges others

I come from a family of very cruel people, it goes pretty deep for me

If anyone has earned the right to judge, it's me

I went through a lot of bullshit to get here


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23815379 - 11/09/16 07:24 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I'm just gonna derail my own thread and stick/hide this in here

I know that some people's big dream is to get a good education. And politicians act like education is the answer. But I tore up my college diploma last year into little pieces and threw it away. And that shit's not even paid off. All the loans in my name are in default and have been with a collection agency for years. The last time I had a job (working at a call center for $12.50/hr), they had to garnish my wages to get anything out of me. I don't work anymore. Unless something ridiculous happens like my parents win the lottery, my degree will never be paid off.

Once I got the degree, nobody gave a shit that I had even gone to college at all OR they were actively malicious about me having gone to a top school. At the only job I ever had that actually made use of my education, one of the department heads defiled my diploma when I wasn't in my office. I thought that was pretty shitty. I also had several boyfriends who tore me down over it.

I worked hard for it, nearly fucking died in the process because I was suicidally depressed

Then when I graduated my dad told me he was unimpressed with my GPA. Well yeah, me too, but the point was that I made it out of there alive with a degree. I wasn't the girl who threw herself off the roof of my dorm building. I thought it was really bizarre that my family got these fancy custom frames made for my dad's diplomas but I'd gotten this degree from a school that probably cost what his 4 degrees did total, and my parents didn't even buy me a frame. EVER. I ended up buying a shitty one from Pier 1 with my employee discount at my shitty retail job...it was $11

Life has just really sucked for me

Oh, you wanna know the reason I tore up my diploma? The women's center I lived at was demanding something unrealistic of me in exchange for the roof over my head, so I got rid of all my possessions except for the bags I was taking with me to go live in a FUCKING TRAIN STATION. I spent several weeks before departure packing my overnight bag that contained my essentials. I agonized over things like how many extra shirts can I afford to carry around a city with me for potentially months, given how easily I burn out, physically? (I settled on one.) Every single item I put in that bag meant more weight I had to carry. I kept eliminating things to make the bag lighter. At first I had my diploma folded up in the bag. But by the time I left, I'd decided I needed to eliminate the weight of the card stock it was printed on. So I destroyed it.

I didn't just have my parents hang on to it because I hadn't been speaking to them for 2 years. I had no intention of ever speaking to them again. They had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, and I was like, "Fuck it, if I die, whatever, this is my chance to totally escape from them."

But then of course I couldn't actually handle living in a train station for more than 2 days, and I knew full well what awaited me if I got back into the homeless system, so I ended up going back to my parents. So I destroyed my diploma for nothing.

There's a stigma that comes with having a good education (because of jealous people). I got to a point where I was actually hiding it from people, especially once I was in the homeless system. It sucks because I actually did the work for it, but it's like I'm not allowed to get anything good from it. People have tried to make me feel ashamed of it.


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Invisibleremake
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23815416 - 11/09/16 07:46 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Don't ever, ever let someone make you feel guilty. I am sure you have been through a lot. I can't imagine what it must feel like. But I too have given myself countless of times only to be shamed in return. It's funny. We're all equal. So fuck those motherfuckers. There is another way to go about things, above the heads of the monsters. Be creative, think far and wide. There are countless of ways in which you could earn a living, I am sure, doing something that is fun, easy, and offers growth. The trick isn't to go for success, or to be number one, or what the fuck ever, but to be authentic, to put yourself in the product you are selling. There are systems of living and working that can be sustainable.

At the very least I am sure you will be able to get in an environment surrounded by people who would understand what you went through, and can relate on a deeper level, and not dabble with all the surface shit. Just an idea though. Not advice granted out of sympathy or any shit. I just think you might like something like that, I don't know. Maybe not, whatever.

I know what it feels like to be taken for granted like that, or to be ignored, it's not nice. And you don't deserve it.


Edited by remake (11/09/16 08:01 AM)


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Alien territory [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23815556 - 11/09/16 08:45 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I was so in love with that school too, even though it almost killed me

Even though it had a shitty, cruel, unrealistic attendance policy

And I had to take way too many classes at once in order to not be even more ridiculously overcharged

But I really think I irreparably burned myself out by pushing too hard during those years

I just couldn't continue that kind of strain into my professional life

It was like I was already spent by the time I got to senior year

My health goes to shit whenever I work too hard

In high school I had some kind of weird Lupus type thing

Then in college I started sleeping 18-20 hours a day...like I was doing cocaine and meth just to get to class before I was put on prescription amphetamines

Then a few years later my mom interfered with my treatment because she thought the meds were making me disagree with her dictating every aspect of my job search, so I couldn't function, but she still expected me to work and tortured me for not answering job ads

I'm not into the idea of working anymore

I don't have anything left to give

Like I seriously am just horizontal these days

I think I just need to be provided for without requirements and pressures

I cracked as a person when I went 8 days without sleep due to cold turkey withdrawal from several psych meds at once (antidepressant, benzo, amphetamine) because of my mom threatening to report my doctor to the DEA and have his license yanked. By cracked I mean like...something permanently died. I think it was my work ethic. That was years ago too...I went 5 years without working after that. Then I had a shitty job for 9 months where I got yelled at every day by fucking spoiled ass brats throwing tantrums over their internet connection problems. I can't put up with bullshit anymore.

All I can do is just lay here and experience subtle energy all day every day....which is making me a spiritual overachiever but my family values/respects that ZERO because it makes no money and it's taboo in their world

Homeless system would make me work

Even just to get food stamps I'd have to work

Can't get disability because I don't identify with "illness" (doesn't help that my mom has tried to use the concept to invalidate me) and I don't believe in doctors anymore except for injuries...and even then I'd have to wait 3 years and I was already turned down

Random guys on the internet have offered to let me live with them but I'm sure they probably think it'll turn into free kinky sex or something

I'm living with people who tortured me and I don't like it. My mom still tries to interfere with my life, is still very psychologically abusive, but this is the only place where I can get food and a roof and get away with not working or doing any chores (I use what my mom did to me as leverage) without having to put out or do something else physical

This is also the only place where I can get away with being the cold, unfriendly, isolating, heartless bitch the world has turned me into...


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