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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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From my perspective, we are not all the same person
I'm what is real, everybody outside of me is a tarot card
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aioka
Stranger
Registered: 11/08/16
Posts: 2
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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im pretty fucd like u but just reading that makes me confirm why im wierd and introverted because humans are too godamn complicated
...people..., wig me out because of the 1 million things that go across a mind in a 2 word conversation.. ... ignorance is bliss and simplicity would be awesome this day in age.. it;s wierd but i wouldn't actually mind living in like an old simple time
..not to mention mixture of alcohol and drugs most young people are using that can make situations even more unsettling..
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EternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance



Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
Loc: Time and Space
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Re: Alien territory [Re: aioka]
#23814412 - 11/08/16 10:20 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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yep, adult people are complicated..
that's why I prefer chilling with my nephews and neices
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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I've been unfairly harshly judged my whole life
So that was basically training for me to become a person who judges others
I come from a family of very cruel people, it goes pretty deep for me
If anyone has earned the right to judge, it's me
I went through a lot of bullshit to get here
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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I'm just gonna derail my own thread and stick/hide this in here
I know that some people's big dream is to get a good education. And politicians act like education is the answer. But I tore up my college diploma last year into little pieces and threw it away. And that shit's not even paid off. All the loans in my name are in default and have been with a collection agency for years. The last time I had a job (working at a call center for $12.50/hr), they had to garnish my wages to get anything out of me. I don't work anymore. Unless something ridiculous happens like my parents win the lottery, my degree will never be paid off.
Once I got the degree, nobody gave a shit that I had even gone to college at all OR they were actively malicious about me having gone to a top school. At the only job I ever had that actually made use of my education, one of the department heads defiled my diploma when I wasn't in my office. I thought that was pretty shitty. I also had several boyfriends who tore me down over it.
I worked hard for it, nearly fucking died in the process because I was suicidally depressed
Then when I graduated my dad told me he was unimpressed with my GPA. Well yeah, me too, but the point was that I made it out of there alive with a degree. I wasn't the girl who threw herself off the roof of my dorm building. I thought it was really bizarre that my family got these fancy custom frames made for my dad's diplomas but I'd gotten this degree from a school that probably cost what his 4 degrees did total, and my parents didn't even buy me a frame. EVER. I ended up buying a shitty one from Pier 1 with my employee discount at my shitty retail job...it was $11
Life has just really sucked for me
Oh, you wanna know the reason I tore up my diploma? The women's center I lived at was demanding something unrealistic of me in exchange for the roof over my head, so I got rid of all my possessions except for the bags I was taking with me to go live in a FUCKING TRAIN STATION. I spent several weeks before departure packing my overnight bag that contained my essentials. I agonized over things like how many extra shirts can I afford to carry around a city with me for potentially months, given how easily I burn out, physically? (I settled on one.) Every single item I put in that bag meant more weight I had to carry. I kept eliminating things to make the bag lighter. At first I had my diploma folded up in the bag. But by the time I left, I'd decided I needed to eliminate the weight of the card stock it was printed on. So I destroyed it.
I didn't just have my parents hang on to it because I hadn't been speaking to them for 2 years. I had no intention of ever speaking to them again. They had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, and I was like, "Fuck it, if I die, whatever, this is my chance to totally escape from them."
But then of course I couldn't actually handle living in a train station for more than 2 days, and I knew full well what awaited me if I got back into the homeless system, so I ended up going back to my parents. So I destroyed my diploma for nothing.
There's a stigma that comes with having a good education (because of jealous people). I got to a point where I was actually hiding it from people, especially once I was in the homeless system. It sucks because I actually did the work for it, but it's like I'm not allowed to get anything good from it. People have tried to make me feel ashamed of it.
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remake


Registered: 01/05/16
Posts: 4,178
Loc: South Africa
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Don't ever, ever let someone make you feel guilty. I am sure you have been through a lot. I can't imagine what it must feel like. But I too have given myself countless of times only to be shamed in return. It's funny. We're all equal. So fuck those motherfuckers. There is another way to go about things, above the heads of the monsters. Be creative, think far and wide. There are countless of ways in which you could earn a living, I am sure, doing something that is fun, easy, and offers growth. The trick isn't to go for success, or to be number one, or what the fuck ever, but to be authentic, to put yourself in the product you are selling. There are systems of living and working that can be sustainable.
At the very least I am sure you will be able to get in an environment surrounded by people who would understand what you went through, and can relate on a deeper level, and not dabble with all the surface shit. Just an idea though. Not advice granted out of sympathy or any shit. I just think you might like something like that, I don't know. Maybe not, whatever.
I know what it feels like to be taken for granted like that, or to be ignored, it's not nice. And you don't deserve it.
Edited by remake (11/09/16 08:01 AM)
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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I was so in love with that school too, even though it almost killed me
Even though it had a shitty, cruel, unrealistic attendance policy
And I had to take way too many classes at once in order to not be even more ridiculously overcharged
But I really think I irreparably burned myself out by pushing too hard during those years
I just couldn't continue that kind of strain into my professional life
It was like I was already spent by the time I got to senior year
My health goes to shit whenever I work too hard
In high school I had some kind of weird Lupus type thing
Then in college I started sleeping 18-20 hours a day...like I was doing cocaine and meth just to get to class before I was put on prescription amphetamines
Then a few years later my mom interfered with my treatment because she thought the meds were making me disagree with her dictating every aspect of my job search, so I couldn't function, but she still expected me to work and tortured me for not answering job ads
I'm not into the idea of working anymore
I don't have anything left to give
Like I seriously am just horizontal these days
I think I just need to be provided for without requirements and pressures
I cracked as a person when I went 8 days without sleep due to cold turkey withdrawal from several psych meds at once (antidepressant, benzo, amphetamine) because of my mom threatening to report my doctor to the DEA and have his license yanked. By cracked I mean like...something permanently died. I think it was my work ethic. That was years ago too...I went 5 years without working after that. Then I had a shitty job for 9 months where I got yelled at every day by fucking spoiled ass brats throwing tantrums over their internet connection problems. I can't put up with bullshit anymore.
All I can do is just lay here and experience subtle energy all day every day....which is making me a spiritual overachiever but my family values/respects that ZERO because it makes no money and it's taboo in their world
Homeless system would make me work
Even just to get food stamps I'd have to work
Can't get disability because I don't identify with "illness" (doesn't help that my mom has tried to use the concept to invalidate me) and I don't believe in doctors anymore except for injuries...and even then I'd have to wait 3 years and I was already turned down
Random guys on the internet have offered to let me live with them but I'm sure they probably think it'll turn into free kinky sex or something
I'm living with people who tortured me and I don't like it. My mom still tries to interfere with my life, is still very psychologically abusive, but this is the only place where I can get food and a roof and get away with not working or doing any chores (I use what my mom did to me as leverage) without having to put out or do something else physical
This is also the only place where I can get away with being the cold, unfriendly, isolating, heartless bitch the world has turned me into...
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