| Home | Community | Message Board |
|
You are not signed in. Sign In New Account | Forum Index Search Posts Trusted Vendors Highlights Galleries FAQ User List Chat Store Random Growery » |

This site includes paid links. Please support our sponsors.
|
| Shop: |
| |||||||
|
Investigative thinking Registered: 05/12/15 Posts: 228 Loc: USA |
| ||||||
|
I have reached this wall, in a long term, strange, relationship. Long story short... We've known each other for roughly 14 years, with about a 8 year gap, where he was sent to rehab, school, work (we spoke a few times during the gap, but it never progressed)... He's been back for a little over 2 years, we've been in contact ever since, beginning with a surprise encounter.
In the two years, weve kind of been at eachother. Sometimes its great, sometimes its not. Sometimes he's bugging the hell out if me, sometimes me to him, but it always feels like the frustration comes from fear or love. For example... When we start to speak and visit frequently, he almost always gets.. Over whelmed, or maybe over involved, and backs off, usually for only a couple of weeks, then it's back to bliss. This is a pattern and I thought it was pure narcissism.... Until recently. We tripped LSD, a few weeks ago, and it was then I realized how similar we think. This was our first psych experience together, and my first LSD experience in 12 years, where I was not alone during the trip. I realized, through unspeakable energies, his desire to be loved, for who he is(he holds a large bank account, and is forced to wear this persona daily), and information obtained through him only strengthens my intuition about his desires. I am madly in love with this person, and have been since day one, 14 years ago. He's never left my thoughts, even during the dormant period. Labels mean nothing to me, with him. All that is important to me, is that he is in my life. He has personality set backs, and I can tell that he has much trouble expressing love. I can tell just by how he pets my dog. Another example, in trying to express how special I am, he informed me he would bash someone's head into a wall until they were dead if anyone tried to hurt me. Such a romantic way to say I love you! My personality is dysfunctional too, though... We can't get enough of each other, yet we can only take so much at one time. Two years in, its taken him this long to make his friends aware of our odd, socially dysfunctional relationship (of course, they don't know exactly how dysfunctional it is), something that use to bother me, because it made me feel he was ashamed... But I'm beginning to realize, through our LSD experience, and more personal talk, that... I think we are both scared to death. I recently dated a guy for about 3 months, and my long term friend lost it, continuously asking to see me, threatening to sabatoge the relationship I was in, even when he knew my guy knew he was contacting me. The guy was a crack head, I later discovered (funny how blinded we can become, so fast, when we think we have what we want), and I basicly left him for two reasons, to be with my long term, and to get away from cocaine. Things have been more heavy ever since, but to my question... We can't seem to get past this wall. We don't have sex. I've said no, several times, just because, when we had our first encounter two years ago, we did, and it was absolutely perfect.it was the first and only time I've ever made love, during sex, and we didn't speak for 4 months after, something I'm afraid will happen again if we were to go that route again. We are sexually intimate, but its just enough to keep us out of the friend zone. I realized, with the 3 month boyfriend, that I am in no mental state to do normal. Meeting family, helping with income, spending all the time together, and having to check in before making p!ans... I have everything I need with the long term guy.... Just knowing he is in my life, is enough to bring me the most intense joy, more than I ever felt with the boyfriend, with anyone. I feel there is something keeping us from being... ONE. Like I said, here recently, he's offered to be with me differently, like wanting me to sit in his lap, infront of people, or talking to me like we are a socially acceptable couple in front of people, and trying to have sex, even though he knows im not on birth control...but I say no, in fear of losing him... I don't think it's time yet. I don't feel like all of the barriers are down, yet I desire to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't know how to move forward now. I still have this fear he will leave, and I find myself acting accordingly to that thought... A slight amount of irratiinality. At the same time, I desire to leave, and to live in the middle of the woods, alone, holding on to him, in my mind, because its seemingly the only comfort I have from another human, that satisfys. In reality, no matter how far apart we are, he will always be with me. One thing I recently started doing, when I start those treacherous thoughts of abandonment, is I make myself focus on the good intimate times spent together. Its interesting, because the bad thoughts are so prevalent, I almost have to walk away from whatever I'm doing, and truely meditate on the good, to eliminate the bad. When I start to fear I'll never hear from him, I focus in his smile, the way he looks at me anytime I'm with him, or on a sexual intimate time, or mostly, when I gave him motherly comfort during our trip several times. I would feel I was losing him, and would just rub and massage his arms, hands, face, and he would come back to me. I could feel that he needed me to comfort him and he would embrace and accept my comforting, and this was the only sensual touch, that even can relate to true displays of loving affection, since we had sex. All of the foreplay in between has not had much more meaning than a way for us to be sexually intimate somehow, to keep alive the little bit of desire for intimacy we have for each other, without going over into the abyss. How to I overcome this fear of abandonment? The last trip was 4 hits, and I'm thinking I need to go on about 10 or more. I owe my self awareness and healing to psychadelics. 12 years of tripping once or twice a year, has kept me away from pharmaceuticals and losing my brain. Now that I'm going on my second year of LSD, I'm starting to think I need one more good, high dosed, galactic trip, on LSD, to over come this abandonment issue. Is it abandonment? What is holding us back? How can we desire so much from each other, yet try so hard to keep it hidden? The more I learn from him, the more I realize that he and I are the definition of twin flames, but I don't even know if I believe in that... Soul mates, twin flames, etc. -------------------- I really like this
| |||||||
|
Waxing Prophetic Registered: 02/22/13 Posts: 2,514 Loc: The Enterprise Last seen: 3 years, 8 months |
| ||||||
|
I doubt i have as much experience witch psychedelics as you do, but I've never seen them to be something that really 'fixes' my problems. The best they can do is show me my problems so that I can fix them with hard work, later. Sure they can clear a lot out of the woodwork, but the real skills of life take time and effort to develop, regardless of whether or not you trip.
Basically, you're in a dramatic, painstaking situation, and the only way to navigate it successfully is to be calm and tranquil within yourself. Agitation and anxiety is only going to cause rash and potentially harmful behavior. IME, the way to be calm and solid is by loving yourself so that you may be strong enough to give love to others. That's always a great place to start! I also recommend talking to him about why he wants to start having sex, and to discuss your fears with him about losing him like the last time the two of you made love. A deep, meaningful communication like that could offer just as much insight as a 10 strip of acid.
| |||||||
|
Investigative thinking Registered: 05/12/15 Posts: 228 Loc: USA |
| ||||||
|
Yes... Communication... I'm a bit afraid of starting THAT convo...
I agree, loving yourself, I'm very aware that my self love has grown over the last few years, and I'm completely aware that self love is the key to giving love, so it's definitely something I've noticed in the biggest changes of my relationships. I guess I'm trying to figure out... Is it abandonment I fear, or something deeper... Who knows, I kind of feel like one more hard trip may be able to help me dive in deeper to the root cause... I wonder how I could prompt memories in a trip...? More reading for me definitely. I do love exploring where my thoughts and emotions come from!! -------------------- I really like this
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 10/23/16 Posts: 146 Last seen: 7 years, 2 months |
| ||||||
|
Wow, amazing post
![]() Ok, I have to ask the obvious. Who smokes cigs or drinks alcohol or takes pharma pills (like SSRI's) to mask anxiety, instead of solving the root causes of it? This is the very first place I look at, when trying to clear the waters. Also, please note that thinking in these extreme terms, talking - sex, that's missing a few intermediary steps of closeness, distance. For instance do you guys ever do massage on each other? I mean proper massage, clothes off, with oil on, candles lit? Do this a few times, both ways, and you'll see some things. Being tactile is important, being non-verbal, non-smoked non-drunk non-pill-ed, together and tactile. THIS is the way to get the fire going again, and keep it going. If you can't or won't do this (for whatever reasons) then dropping more acid into the mix I doubt would help. Though tripping together (at normal doses) several times will likely help, BECAUSE it triggers this kind of eye contact, tactile nonverbal contact. Stop thinking about sex specifically, start thinking simply in terms of closeness, massage (whoever receives should be eyes closed, to keep that energy in not dispel it out, or by constant talking) and also playing together, in different states of undress. Leave the twin flames soul mates stuff for another episode, you just observe the fact that you two are compatible, and explore in exactly which ways you wish to express that compatibility. Cook for each other, eat together, massage, stroking, hugs, playing in various ways, just do this stuff. As for worries fears plans for the future, the more you expand the fear the more it will cover your whole screen. Instead, I recommend planning for experiences you wish to have together. Picnic, weekend out camping, holiday here holiday there, boat ride, just do the things you want to do, leave the rest take care of itself. Excess DMN activity in your head, especially if negative, will quickly smother the sense of fun fresh spontaneity, which is the very point of life in the first place
| |||||||
|
Darwin's stagger Registered: 01/05/15 Posts: 10,812 |
| ||||||
|
Recently a mate of a mate tried for a galactic trip and took 5g of shrooms with 5 tabs of acid where he ended up in a psych ward after he hadn't slept for 3 days.
If you're going to go galactic then I'd recommend you do it on shrooms because they are far safer than LSD. Even for a 'pro' 5 tabs would be intense. 5g of mushees is pretty easy.
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 10/23/16 Posts: 146 Last seen: 7 years, 2 months |
| ||||||
Quote: Wow, I bet he knows to mind his dose from now on ![]() Why do people do these things, and especially "jump" over intermediary doses? I bet your friend din't bother to try 2 grams with 2 tabs, 3 grams with 3, 4 with 4 and only after 5 with 5. He may have found his sweet spot at 3 with 3 or 4 with 4, or found out they don't interact well inside him (shrooms and acid) and found out at lower doses, not massive ones. Oh well, this is how psychs teach, act reckless you get that ass handed to you, to trigger your memory and common sense proper in the future ![]() Quote: You don't need "higher doses". You need more attention to immediate reality and direct experience, whether you take anything or not. The info is there, the info that you need, inside of trips or out. Just use it, stay with it, play with it, and it will deliver what you seek ![]() Or feel free to try and rush the process, try to force it with massive psych doses, of course we're all welcome to try every strategy we can come up with, free will always applies. But it's visible that you're trying to solve American style, that lends itself much better to the more patient Asian style, observation, perception, processing, integration, insight arrived at that way. If you take 10 tabs or more and end up nuking the whole thing to pieces (maybe nuke some parts of yourself as well) I'll sau ha-ha and I told you so. Am telling you right now, I keep seeing these heroes that want to jump from 1 to 5 directly, or in your case from 4 to 10. From where I'm looking, if you want to go from 4 to 10 that's a process, you go 4-6-8-10, it takes at least 3 more trips, and you may well find in that process, that you don't need to go to 10 over this, that maybe 6 or 8 fix it just fine.
| |||||||
|
Investigative thinking Registered: 05/12/15 Posts: 228 Loc: USA |
| ||||||
|
Thank you. I definitely have figured out that I do not need to take 10!! A friend actually told me the same thing, about finding it inside and outside of the trip. Emphasize on American style, if you would... I'm not sure I follow.
Things are at a halt at the moment with long term. Probably for the best, but he does this every so often. Cuts off all communication with me, blocking me. He always comes back to me. I'm trying to be more in the moment right now I guess... It sucks but I know I'll get through. And I want to not obsess about him. I obsess and obsess. Never really put it into action, but I did take a note to him last night... Didn't knock hard because I was so nervous, and I'm sure he didn't even hear it. But... No communication since. It'll be a matter of time, before I will know how this turns out. I want to try to understand the attachment more... I tend to research myself like I'm researching for my classes, but it's almost fun. My past doesn't affect me any more near as much as before. Alot of my research is here! Prayer would be good, communication with the Creator. -------------------- I really like this
| |||||||
|
Ask Me About Bigfoot Registered: 11/10/14 Posts: 1,405 Loc: Frying Like An E Last seen: 4 years, 10 months |
| ||||||
|
You should just take like 6 or 8 if you want to up your dose.
![]() Even if you're getting weak LSD, a milligram-ish is a lot of acid. Crazy, insane, miraculous things happen up that high, but you're going to have a loooong way to come down. When I dose that high I usually plan an activity to do with it, like painting a wall-sized mural, or spinning poi at a music festival for 12 hours. Something to channel the energy of a trip that massive. If you eat a milligram of LSD just to think about some guy issues you might realize that you didn't want to think about that stuff on a milligram of LSD. ![]() Take it slow, soldier. Lucy will always be there to take you higher, don't fly too high too fast or you'll lose your marbles like me and end up under a pile of men in white coats, getting injected with Thorazine.
-------------------- My Quarter Sheet (2600ug) LSD Trip Report | My Half-Milligram (500ug) LSD + 2g Mushrooms Trip Report | My 1000ug LSD Trip Report
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 10/23/16 Posts: 146 Last seen: 7 years, 2 months |
| ||||||
Quote: American attention and approach to life. Short attention span, looking for pills, experts you can pay to do the effort for you, wanting to get stuff done expediently. By contrast the Asian approach (both of these names I just use myself btw, they're not some official naming methodology ) you'd find more stuff like kung fu, developing skills over time, developing depth through patient careful practice and observation. Diametrically opposed to the quick fix approach so prevalent in the West in many areas of life. I just use "American attention" (to mean multitasking, quick, shallow, partial attention, head-split) as opposed to true attention, all gathered, focused, present, all there. I'll also repeat my initial question, as somehow it got skipped in the process ![]() Quote: Quote: What you describe there, electrically, is putting A LOT of electric energy into just thinking-in-the-head about this dude, a lot of DMN activity about it (Default Mode Network, investigate, it's really good stuff ) and VERY little actual action taken, leading that electrical current where it matters, down the limbs into actually doing stuff to affect some outcome. YOu want to "not obsess" - well what DO you want to do? What good does it do you, to say and acknowledge and reinforce the reality that you do obsess? How about acknowledging that you HAVE BEEN obsessing, in the past, and now start to focus on what you'd like to do instead? Future is fully flexible and open, unless we formulate things in such a way as to make it seem stuck, rigid, a stiff continuation of the past.
| |||||||
|
Investigative thinking Registered: 05/12/15 Posts: 228 Loc: USA |
| ||||||
|
It's hard to do that sometimes. He uses more than I do. I like to trip like I said, and smoke, I'm not saying a year from now I won't do a line, but... and he mingles in Xanax, coke, more frequent use of alcohol maybe. Mingles is the key word though. Neither one of us regularly medicate except for the Mary Jane. I like to drink occasionally, like once a week, but sometimes, not recently, I get in spells where i drink every night for like two weeks straight, but never over doing it those nights.
I've been handling myself not obsessing I can honestly say, as of right here and now, and I don't really remember the last time I did, even talking about it now isn't causing my stomach to turn, or get that feeling you know, when you're about to do something horrible, and then you don't. We've all had to lie before. Like that. That's how it is when I obsess on the negative, but I can't replace obsessing with the positive because I want to go about my life and be happy, which is how I feel almost always, until I start obsessing again. But now I'm doing neither... It's just keeping it that way. -------------------- I really like this
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 10/23/16 Posts: 146 Last seen: 7 years, 2 months |
| ||||||
|
Smoking, drinking, Xanax, coke. This is precisely what I'd advise to anyone that wants to get a life of emotional disconnection from their peers and also from themselves, internally.
You do what you do, I mean they're your choices, but when I hear these magic words, these particular molecules (all of which are basically used to mask emotional issues not to solve them) I know I see someone who's literally hitting themselves over the head then wondering why their head hurts. Quote: I had the interesting experience once, when I was LSD tripping at a festival, to meet basically, some kind of speed freak. A woman that did A LOT of speed in her life. Long term use, which grew the neurology and patterns of thinking that develop under those conditions. What I noticed was that ALL her thoughts and sentences would extend, her head would keep making electric signals, whether there was any need or not. I'd ask simple yes/no questions, like are you coming up the stairs? THe answer would be something like "Yes, yes, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'll be there in a bit ... yes I'm coming, of course, sure ... yes just wait a bit, wait a bit ... " There was no clear period, to actually end a sentence or idea. It would drag out. Now to me at least, your sentence above has the same quality, a sort of getting lost along the way. What does that stuff above even mean? Can't replace the obsessive with the positive - because you want to go about life and be happy - which you feel almost always anyway ... HOW is this last bit a reason to justify that "because" statement earlier in the phrase? Does this sentence go anywhere for you at all? Does it have some logical point in there? Having major problems following the logical idea of it. Quote: Huh? So is anyone else seeing epic clarity in these sentences? I see no actual sense being made, no clear ideas being transmitted, just words strung together, unclear signal. You have a few more of these sprinkled around in earlier posts, this getting lost and not being clear on what you want to say. The question, Raymond, is what did you want to DO? ![]() Quote:
| |||||||
|
Investigative thinking Registered: 05/12/15 Posts: 228 Loc: USA |
| ||||||
|
I want to go a whole day not thinking about him, positively or negatively.
-------------------- I really like this
| |||||||
|
Investigative thinking Registered: 05/12/15 Posts: 228 Loc: USA |
| ||||||
|
You consider smoking weed a way to live a disconnected life emotionally with your peers and in relationships? I definitely do not agree witn that. I do tend to get lost in what I!m saying from time to time. And you're right, I have used a ton of 'speed' in my young life. I'm 29... But idk, I'm trying to keep things together and I think I'm succeeding fairly well. I couldnt get, and have no desire where to find, any thing other than trips and weed, and Im cool with that. The advice recieved here is EXTREMELY helpful.
I cleared out dead plants today and brought in my trooper of a parselys! -------------------- I really like this
| |||||||
|
Waxing Prophetic Registered: 02/22/13 Posts: 2,514 Loc: The Enterprise Last seen: 3 years, 8 months |
| ||||||
|
Nice! Just keep doing stuff, get your mind off of it.
The I Ching is great to consult for relationships, and often I get the reading 'retreat'. In my paraphrasing, I'll try to explain it: It shares the idea of protecting yourself intellectually and emotionally by retreating from the situation entirely. It doesn't mean abandoning your values or goals, but simply setting them aside for the time being so you can get your mind off of it. One way you can do this is by returning to your breath each time a thought about him arrises. Just tell yourself "oh, hey, I'm just thinking about him" and then go back to your breath for a few moments before continuing. Simultaneously, get really engaged with your environment, possibly even community ( if that's an option for you ). Keep up with the plant care, get more involved with your hobbies, and maybe choose a new direction to grow in with your pursuits, like a new way to exercise or choosing a new topic to research. Either way, just keep up the daily effort and try to clear your mind. Then the right action will become more obvious to you
| |||||||
| |||||||
| Shop: |
|
| Similar Threads | Poster | Views | Replies | Last post | ||
![]() |
Not having sex is depressing as fuck, almost suicidal over this shit. ( |
3,483 | 55 | 03/30/18 06:39 AM by DoctorJ |
| Extra information | ||
| You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled Moderator: Middleman, Shroomism, automan, yogabunny, CookieCrumbs 159 topic views. 0 members, 3 guests and 2 web crawlers are browsing this forum. [ Show Images Only | Sort by Score | Print Topic ] | ||





) you'd find more stuff like kung fu, developing skills over time, developing depth through patient careful practice and observation. Diametrically opposed to the quick fix approach so prevalent in the West in many areas of life. 