Where did you come from? Where are you going?
I was an evil child.. sociopathic, narcissistic, cruel... willingly degraded himself for shock value and self amusement. A rebel to society and civilized Earth. Imagined terrible things, and brought them into reality.
How low can you start from? And how high can you reach?
Some might say... where you go largely depends on where you started from. In past days, a person born a loser will die a loser. Someone like me who was born psychotic, would have ended up dead or in prison by the age of eighteen.
But the universe is evolving, getting better, more efficient, more abundant. Not only is technology and communication becoming more sophisticated, but individuals are as well.
With respects to karma, I shouldn't even be here now. I was probably a decadent king in a past life... born into this life, thinking "What the fuck? I deserve better than this. I should have everything. You're ALL going to suffer!"
So I made the people around me suffer.. and I was evil, constantly sent out bad energy, accumulated bad energy (feed me dark energy!). I went fully into the darkness.. at one point, didn't think I'd ever get out. I was suicidial every day of my life for years. I'd spend every night doing drugs and feeding fear into my brain with conspiracy theories. Going FULL into paranoia! I found some kind of sick way to enjoy my paranoia, fear, shame, guilt.. turned it into a test.. fascinated by how bad my life could get. Spent six months in my room not doing anything but watching television.
God is merciful however.. introduced a super strong compassionate guru-type person into my life. Felt love around him. Was the first time I felt love for myself as well. The new feelings and awareness made me schizophrenic. Ended up in a mental hospital.. felt a peace there I had never felt before. Developed two new hobbies that I had no time for when I was consumed in pure addiction and distraction.
I used to wonder why bad things happened to me.. I was in denial, told myself I was a good person, that I had good qualities.. that I was "nice". When people told me sarcastically that I was a good person I would be angry and indignant. "Why the sarcasm?" I thought. "I AM a good person". Wow! What a delusional head trip! I didn't care about anything but "getting mine". Innocence can be very dark, my fellows.
The first crack of light that appeared was when I decided to finally get help.. went to Narcotics Anonymous. When all attention was on me, I broke down and cried in front of everyone. I cried a lot, constantly, over the next several years. Everytime the Universe showed me mercy, despite my anger and rebellion.. I couldn't even believe the Universe's mercy. I was so grateful.. my dream of becoming normal, healthy, slowly but surely, over time, came to fruition.
Decades and decades of humilitation, dissapointments, tough love and getting what was coming to me.. has led to me to this level. I'm becoming more like YOU, the person reading this.. a normal person.. who trusts themselves and doesn't so easily give in to evil or acts of destruction/self-hatred.
I've heard, it takes 10 years from when you set an intention, for that intention to fully bloom and manifest. I recall being 19, being a complete child, hoping one day I would be able to take care of myself.. to be able to cook, clean, go to interesting events, be organized, be healthy.. and just this week it really set in and now begins.
It's possible to change life long habits. What a relief to know this!! Take care of your basic needs first.. before you get ahead of yourself. I tried to convince myself I was an adult. Got jobs that I thought I could handle - could barely handle them.. people asked me how old I was, if I lived with my parents, if I had some kind of mental problem...
I'm just learning very basic things now.. so I can be a better person, for myself, and for others.
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