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Offlineasleepnomore
Stranger
Registered: 02/26/04
Posts: 1
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Three hours ago the blindfold came off
    #2378355 - 02/26/04 08:54 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I am a member for quite some time and have posted a lot. This username "asleepnomore" I had to pull out of thin air in order to write this post. I know it is a banning offense but I will make this one post and delete this username but i see no other way to say what as i feel it needs be said.
This username will cease to exist minutes after posting. I myself will read any responses there might be but will likely not respond back and if so I will do it with my 'real username'.
Please do not worry but I just need to get this off my chest anonymously, but i warn you it will be a harsh tale.


Yesterday I visited my therapist and got yet another diagnosis in my life history of psychological problems. Upon surfing for info, this one stuck. Intensely so. Right on the mark.

I felt remarkably empty emotionally the rest of the day. It was a day me & a friend agreed on dosing but I declined. I literally said: "If I should dose now it will be a catastrophy. My instinct never was as clear as now." And so i didnt in fact i had to take a tranquilizer to sleep.

Three hours ago it hit me. The truth about my life. I connected the dots and escaped it no longer. The blindfold fell off and I saw my life clear as never before. (this "real truth" is a potentially dangerous feeling for most: be very wary should this happen because often it is false, dangerous insight)

I am in pain. Intense pain. In horrible mental anguish for most of the time since I was a young child. The nature of my problem is to flee in all directions when pain mounts, and this always prevented me from realizing the extent and depth of it.

Please do not post your speculations as to my real username. My real username is the internet equivalent of my daily happyface, the part of me that through denial allows me to feel positive things by standing apart from my pains. I do not have split/multiple personalities or the like, but i simply grew up in constant anguish and had to do 'something' to deal with it all.
God bless denial because it kept me alive in the teenage years when my pain was ten times as hellish as it is now.

I now see the severity and constantness of my pain and that over half the things i do and especially 'do not' do in life are exactly what is written about my (main) problem.

As I write this childhood memories flash before my eyes, i feel great pain and my body is hard hit. I am smack in the middle of the new understanding of my life. It is still pristine but very familiar territory at the same time as it has been there in bits and pieces of insight before being swept away by comfortable distractions.

Nothing has changed. I am still as vexed by hurt as i always was, the only thing that has changed is that i now see the bigger picture.

Please do not worry that I will harm myself by abusing drugs or worse things because that will not happen. I will get clean of recreationals but keep the prescription drugs for the time being.

That this insight has struck me is pretty unpleasant, but it is a good thing because I now have a better understanding of what really is happening in my life and I am now much more motivated then I was to really start that therapy and make it happen, giving it all I got just like in a confronting LSD trip.

Even though my problem is among the major ones it is curable or at least one can cope with it better then i do and there are pharms now too for last resort maintenance.

The 'happyface' is very real. Denial is a bad thing but my reality sense is proven to be sound psychologically and the feelings are genuine. I chose this seperate username as a way to both tell it to you all (the Shroomery community is important to me) and as a protection to keep this seperate from my 'happyface' user account.

Ignorance is bliss and i genuinely need my bouts of blissful ignorance until i can come to terms with 'reality' and learn to live happier through therapy and my perseverence. I will make it happen because I already went 9/10 of the way.

If I feel I can handle coming clean to you i will post it's me under my 'real username'. Should anyone feel the need to flame then I can live with that, because one simply has no idea what pain i actually live with 24/7. The blindfold only fell this morning and reality slugged me for the first time without me fleeing it so in a way i up until now had little idea of it too.

I actually feel relieved now because all those nasty things have merged to one dragon that according to therapist and medical info can indeed be driven back or slain. It is one problem and not a hundred like i thought which is reassuring.

I will now meditate and get into it LSD-style without using any psychedelics for quite some time. I do not need the psychedelic looking glass applied to my current state because it now might blow things out of proportion. I got a tripper friend on alert waiting just a cellphone call away should i need him.

Do not worry, there in fact is less need for it then there was before this day. I really needed to get this off my chest anonymously to this online community i've shared a lot with and will do so from this day on.
Make it a good day, mine sure will be.

---asleepnomore logs off and unregisters but I myself will log on later today or tomorrow and be here like its been for a long time now. thanks for getting all the way through this rant despite your own pain, because we all have plenty of that. thank you---


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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2379046 - 02/26/04 12:34 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Whoever you are, I wish you best.


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Offlinegnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 6,481
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 2 months, 25 days
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2379356 - 02/26/04 01:37 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

2500 years ago a prince who gave up his throne to find some sort of answer to the problem of living & dying discovered (recovered? uncovered?) some "truths"...
~
~
~
1) all life is suffering
2) suffering is caused by clinging
3) there is a way to end the suffering of life
4) the way to end the suffering is by following the 8-fold path of the buddha
~
~
i'm not saying everyone must become a buddhist... (shucks, not even the dalai lama says that :wink: ...)
but what this young prince found out about sorrow, and the ending of sorrow, is worth examining closely (imho, mmmmmmkay?)
~
may your pain be released
may you be released from your pain
~
~


--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care


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Anonymous #1

Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2380542 - 02/26/04 07:17 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I wish you the best! :heart:

I don't know if I have anything to help you out or that I can say any words of wisdom.  I can tell you that making a thread and openly discussing your feels is the right way of going about it.

live in peace,

zerohero


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InvisibleLe_Canard
Danger Man

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,263
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2380986 - 02/26/04 10:00 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Many good wishes, and may you find the peace you're looking for. :laugh:


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Anonymous #1

Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2381310 - 02/26/04 11:36 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

This is all part of your path. I have come upon and endured a similar path before, do not be ashamed, we are here to support each other. Much love and luck on your journey


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Offlineshaggy101
Male

Registered: 08/17/00
Posts: 1,816
Loc: ..still waiting for godot
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2381329 - 02/26/04 11:44 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

good luck :heart:


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Offlinedaba
Stranger
 User Gallery

Registered: 12/30/02
Posts: 3,881
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: gnrm23]
    #2393842 - 03/02/04 04:48 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

gnrm23 said:
2500 years ago a prince who gave up his throne to find some sort of answer to the problem of living & dying discovered (recovered? uncovered?) some "truths"...
~
~
~
1) all life is suffering
2) suffering is caused by clinging
3) there is a way to end the suffering of life
4) the way to end the suffering is by following the 8-fold path of the buddha
~
~
i'm not saying everyone must become a buddhist... (shucks, not even the dalai lama says that :wink: ...)
but what this young prince found out about sorrow, and the ending of sorrow, is worth examining closely (imho, mmmmmmkay?)
~
may your pain be released
may you be released from your pain
~
~




Word.

Good luck.  :thumbup:


--------------------
Fold for The Shroomery!


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Offlinefilthysock
puresoul

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 2,080
Loc: Bergen, Norway
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2394160 - 03/02/04 09:06 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

The most important thing in life is happyness, just find that. I wish you the best man.


--------------------
Magic mushrooms are not addictive, the shroomery is!


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InvisibleMyInsanityTrip
Stranger

Registered: 03/10/03
Posts: 2,218
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2397245 - 03/03/04 06:17 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Help other people. Find a way to lend yourself out and feel the suffering of others. Heal yourself through them. Help the homeless, help your friends and family, help anyone in need. You know suffering so you can help identify people who need you the most. Leave the past in the past, it isn't with you now, nothing is so big it can't be overcome.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2436308 - 03/15/04 08:51 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

your not forgotten.. :heart:

I hope you are doing better, I still think about this thread, just wanted to let you know that.


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Offlineshaggy101
Male

Registered: 08/17/00
Posts: 1,816
Loc: ..still waiting for godot
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: asleepnomore]
    #2441659 - 03/17/04 01:48 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

:heart:


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Three hours ago the blindfold came off [Re: shaggy101]
    #2443210 - 03/17/04 02:14 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

confronting is the first step in dealing with lifes problems, it's no easy task, hang in there and this to shall paas......may the peace of Christ keep you and comfort you and lead you home....onelove


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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