So, I experimented with 4-aco-dmt two weeks ago. I have done LSD and shrooms once each about 23 years ago. I have no friends that use drugs and don't feel comfortable sharing the experience, yet I have a strong desire to see if anyone has experienced something similar to me.
For a relatively cautious dose, I ingested about 13mg of 4-aco on a 1/2 full stomach. I did not plan much. I decided to wait an hour at home to see what happens. After an hour I feel a bit giddy and a bit like I'm playing a character in a movie. Yet, I still feel pretty much normal. I definitely want more and thought maybe I have a weak batch. I ingest about 7mg more. I decide to go for a walk in the neighborhood. As I start out, I hear my neighbors chatting and it's surreal, like I am in an unfamiliar place. I wonder if they are talking about me, yet have no desire to communicate.
I walk about five blocks and become disoriented. I become uncomfortable with the possibility of bumping into a coworker in my small town. I get a desire to return home. I'm losing my sense of self and my place in my surroundings. I turn one way and the street/houses look vaguely familiar - I turn the other direction which also looks vaguely familiar. (I've walked and run on this street hundreds of times). Yet, now I don't know which direction leads to my house. I walk one way then think "no", then turn around and go the other way. But that doesn't seem right and I turn around again. The thought goes through my mind that I am walking back and forth on the street and it would look very strange to someone. I feel a bit uncomfortable, yet not panicked. Then I blackout. . .
The next thing I remember is being back in my house. To use the concept of "I" at this point doesn't seem right. It was a different place. I will refer to my regular everyday self as "John". There was no self, no John, during periods. There were no prejudices or identity. Ideas of family, driving a car, learning Spanish, the presidential election flew by and where so far away. Another world with no interest. A made-up pretend world of someone else named John. There were no inhibitions. Nothing had value. There was no good or bad. The body and mind walked through the all the rooms of my house. There was no purpose. This loss of identity was interspersed with thoughts of "John's" normal life. There was a realization that anything could happen. Thoughts of running through the neighborhood yelling slurs, telling women of a desire to sleep with them. There was no value of anything, no social norms, no good or bad.
I walked by a second floor window in my house. I looked outside and felt connected. Like I could walk out or float. It didn't feel high up off the ground. Then there was a complete understanding of a "crazy" person on too much LSD jumping from a window. Here was that person. There was no fear or panic, since there was no sense of "I". There was no fear of injury dying. Yet, thoughts of a self concept did arise at times. There was the realization that it's really important to John that he doesn't get seriously injured, lose his job or go to jail. Yet in this other reality, that wasn't bad or good. Then you just have experiences in jail. Or you just die and leave that world. . . There was nothing bad or good about it. The thought occurred that this reality is a good place to die and leave "the real world". Because there was peace within it.
About T=3:00 the sense of me returns intermittently. As I walk down a flight of stairs, I check my legs and realize the body is not seriously injured and there is a sense that this is "good". There is a sense of deep understanding that I want to communicate with my normal self, John. Several times I reached for pen and paper and barely write out words like "This is important" and "The meaning is". Yet, I don't stay put and walk all over the house.
About T=4:00 my self is becoming present more and more. I realize I have no idea how much time has past. It's dark outside. How many hours or days have passed? Could I have missed work? I became grateful that I took precautions by hiding my wallet and not having to work the next day. Back and forth, being in "reality" then not. Realizing "me" again.
At about T=4:30 I notice flashing police car lights outside my house. I thought: "Omg. What have I done." I had done something bad and felt profound sadness, remorse and disappointment in myself. Things I could have done during blackout time raced through my mind. I was still tripping and I nearly panicked. I now understand someone panicking and freaking out on a trip. I paced frantically around the house and tried to talk my self down. I thought how will I face my parents? my coworkers? There was also a sense, that I was returning to this other world and these thoughts were just trying to protect John's desires and self image. . . I kept peeking outside, the lights still flashing. Maybe they are looking for me? Could I have been running around outside like a lunatic? Not knowing and waiting was excruciating. I walked out my side door to go ask the officer what was going on. Then, the thought hit me: "What if they are not here for you? And what if you approach them strung out on drugs and THAT is what gets you in trouble?."
I return to my house and notice the flashing car lights are yellow and that a storm had passed by. I realize it is probably a service vehicle repairing a downed telephone wire. I am overcome with relief and think maybe I didn't do anything bad. I write down on paper: "Did I just get away with it?" Did I just dose too much and experience another reality without anything bad happening? I reach for my cellphone to check the time, date, texts and email. I have no idea what to expect. I could have a string of responses from crazy things I did. There are no texts, no emails. Time seems to stop and it is quiet. It's the interface between the altered reality and my "real" world. I feel sober again, yet impacted by realizations.
I thought that the "alter world" I experienced is as real is "the real world". . . . There was a place beyond my thinking: no me, no prejudices, no filters, no values. I have spent many years meditating, searching. I've had many conversations discussing the ego, thoughts, compassion etc. Quite often talk of things beyond ego and self seemed so esoteric. I would try to discuss, think, meditate and understand. I just didn't get it. (I am extremely logical and thought oriented). Now, I get it. Well, at least an aspect of it. And I don't need to explain it. I don't need to check with my teacher if this "is it". What I experienced was beyond "me". There were no visuals, no odd sounds that I was aware of. Some of it was a blackout. Yet, there was an experience in which the conscious ego "me" had no input.
In my Buddhist group, there is a concept of "Basic Goodness". Beyond the ego, fears, anger, resentment etc. - there is basic goodness. Yet, "goodness" is not quite used in the colloquial sense and I never quite got it. Yet, it occurred to me: those moments with loss of ego anything could have happened. There was no "I" controlling things, making sure I behaved. Yet, nothing "bad" happened. On the one hand it is very scary that anything unpredictable could have happened. Yet, on the other hand in that world none of that mattered. It's comforting to think that there is basic goodness beyond my ego. Should I trust that and return to explore in that world?
At this point, I am curious about again dosing the same amount as the first trip - yet with a different setting, preparation and mindset. The first time I think I was blindsided. I'm curious what the experience might be like if I am in a meditative state wanting to explore beyond my ego and trust the process.
About 10 days later, I dosed about 7mg ( about 1/3 the first trip). It was a very different experience. About 30min., reality started to become distorted and I got really uncomfortable. I thought "Oh no, why am I doing this? I don't want to go back there. What if I took too much? . . . I told myself I took a small dose and it will be milder and not last too long. . .
There was more visuals and fascination this time. I had a sense of presence. Things could have gone in "bad" directions, yet I was able to steer the direction. For example, I was watching a Spanish movie that involved a poorly-treated woman having an affair with her brother in law (I'm learning Spanish and was curious if I could understand better while tripping). The woman experienced remorse and despair. The guy was a manipulative self-seeking jerk. The scenes were about to take me to a really bad dark place.
I turned the TV off and realized my empathy was magnified 10X - either bad OR good. Then I realized I could move in another direction. I did other things like watch funny music videos and Spanish lessons online. At one point, I was listening to a conversation between two Spanish friends. I lost concept of time and space and I tried talking with them. Then I started laughing. I thought a trip is anything you want and I felt a wonderful sense of joy and freedom that I could create a trip. And I danced to music. I understood why artists would trip.
I walked outside and saw my surrounding like new. The large tree with beautiful fall foliage colors. I saw edges, color, relationships between objects, depth and 3D differently. (It was not melting or breathing). There was a new artistic perspective I really like. I want to find artwork that portrays it. . .
Walking through my neighborhood was like a different world, which gave me a new perspective and appreciation. There was a deep sense of connection and empathy with my surroundings. A flock of turkey vultures flew overhead. It was like I could feel them gliding through the air. I watched them perched on the tree, knowing how they feel and wanting to communicate with them. I understood why birders have such a deep appreciation of birds. I looked around and wanted to share the experience. I couldn't understand why people were just driving, mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. How they didn't notice this beauty was beyond me. . . I thought about how stupid I am to spend so much time on my cellphone when there is such a fascinating world around me.
Edited by bodhisatva (10/24/16 06:46 PM)
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