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Anonymous #1
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Am I being a dick? 1
#23771391 - 10/25/16 08:38 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I've been using tindr pretty regularly to find girls to get with. It's been bothering me a bit because I'm not trying to lead these girls on. Sometimes if I get the feeling that they're the clingy type before I even meet up with them, I'll explain to them straight up that I've got a lot going on right now and I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship. Plenty of them are cool with this and it works out fine. But I haven't said this to every girl, I dont really feel obligated and I never drop hints as though I'm looking for a companion.
Anyway, I've got this one girl right now who I'd like to have a "friends with benefits" type relationship with, but since sleeping with her shes been texting me almost nonstop. I dislike texting to begin with so I answer her pretty infrequently, but I am meeting up with her again this week. Do you think its wrong to sleep with her again even though I have zero intentions of dating her? I mean, she seems pretty lonely, but well both be in different parts of the country come next summer. The only reason I don't always feel comfortable telling them straight up is because they take it the wrong way, as if all they mean to me is sex. I'd happily hangout with the girl even if I wasn't getting to bang her, I just dont wanna date her, I move around way too much. What do you guys think?
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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I think tinder is what it is, and those choosing to use it would be wise to know what you describe is a likely outcome. Sure, some people get into deep relationships after meeting on it, but AFAIK, that's not the point. It's a hookup thing. There's plenty of other sites for people looking for something serious. If you use a hammer where a screwdriver is needed the result is not gonna turn out well.
Over and above everything else, I think you should be totally honest and upfront with her. Sounds like she's fallen for you a bit and it would be bad karma all round if you let her continue to do so, whilst sleeping with her, and not telling her that this thing aint gonna eventuate in any kind of comitted relationship.
Out of curiosity, do you like her that much? IME, if you thought she was fucking wonderful, you might alter your plans. If she's just 'a good time' right now I can see why you wouldn't. That's why I don't use tinder myself, even though I'm gagging for a fuck (enforced celibacy for 10+ months now) - I know it my heart nothing meaningful is gonna come of it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Anonymous #1
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I like to think my actions up until this point have dictated my feelings, I explained to her that I just really like meeting new people and making new friendships. I get how this can easily be misinterpreted lol, but I told her straight up that I meet people off the internet all the time when I travel to festivals and new places, with the intension of being friends. And thats the truth, and its honestly whats made tindr successful for me. I dont go into the date for the sex, I go into it to be friends and learn about the person. Whatever comes after that all depends on how the relationship develops
But nah, shes just a good time. Shes super nerdy and I like that about her, I meet way to many girls who are just basic bitches, I actually enjoy hanging out with this girl. Hell the first time I went to hangout with her was just to watch a movie I hadn't seen. But I just dont find myself particularly attracted to her, she can be a little overbearing and I can tell from hanging out with her just once that she can be a bit obsessive. I'm also just in general not looking for a relationship right now. I was in a relationship in the past and it was just a lot, I prefer flying solo for now, more freedom
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Just bear in mind that she might have deluded herself into not hearing your words clearly, I find humans can do that quite easily when they've fallen for someone. So you may have to be extra clear about it with her, as hard as that might be.
But I think it's great you're making new friends. It's just a shame that our culture kinda frowns upon either not 'settling down' with a partner, or not doing the opposite, being a total player. Just meeting people and having no agenda is fucking wonderful, but not a social norm IME.
The middle path is a good one, IMO.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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I'll probably get the shit beat out of me for bringing astrology into a hookup thread, but what the hell, I'm bored enough to project pretty hard in here right now
Sounds like some Scorpio bullshit
Clingy, obsessive, smothering
Watch out
(She doesn't have to be a Scorpio sun, just have a big influence of that kind somewhere)
They don't take things lightly, are deaf to others, and the longer you let it continue, the more complicated it'll be to extract yourself
I used to always think that maybe my next one night stand would actually love me
I ALWAYS made more out of it than it actually was
I'm not a relationship-attracting person (the few I've had were abusive anyway), I'm just the person everybody wants to fuck, so I tried to get my love needs met through the guys who were just using me...
Just FYI there are people out there like that...starved for love, will try to squeeze it out of whatever scraps life brings them
I had trouble believing it that those guys didn't give a shit about me...like literally somebody could say that to my face and I would've assumed they were joking or flirting
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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You don't wanna end up with one of these on your hands...
"I'll follow you until you love me"
She might be trying to turn you into a boyfriend
When you cut her off, the obsessive texts will probably get worse, DON'T RESPOND no matter how bad it gets. She's dying inside, you're watching the process, but it'll be over eventually.
~~~RESUME THREAD NORMALCY, apologies for the non-porn visual demonstration~~~
Edited by 100_the_cat (10/26/16 02:25 AM)
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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You said you're moving by next Summer? I would bring that up with her casually, and if she talks about going with you, say you're not looking for a long term relationship atm.
That's what I would do at least, I've moved a lot and that's an easy way to create distance, just make sure she doesn't get pregnant
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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That might not get through to her though
Let me give you an example of how oblivious a person can be:
My last one night stand before I went to ghosts was a guy I met at a club
He was a pretty deep dude, so I thought he was relating to me as more than a fuck doll
So I thought he wanted to "hang out" because he liked me as a person
Nah he just wanted to fuck me
That was the fakest sex I ever had in my life
The next day I dropped him off at his car in the club parking lot
He tried to leave without even EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS
I held him hostage and made him give it to me
Then I texted him and told him to give me his email address or I'd blow up his phone while he was at work
Then I sent him over 100 super-deep introspective emails that I bet people would actually pay money to read in a book
He responded to ONE, early on
But I kept going
I thought that it was a matter of me proving to him that I was worth being treated as more than just a fuck doll...like maybe if I could just get him to see that I'm amazing, he could relate to me as a human being. It wasn't HIM in particular that I was obsessed with, he was symbolic of men in general.
Idk I just get a similar vibe from what you've said about this girl
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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You're crazy
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tarlin
Beginner Hunter


Registered: 10/09/16
Posts: 214
Loc: Virginia, USA
Last seen: 7 years, 3 months
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Quote:
100_the_cat said: That might not get through to her though
Let me give you an example of how oblivious a person can be:
My last one night stand before I went to ghosts was a guy I met at a club
He was a pretty deep dude, so I thought he was relating to me as more than a fuck doll
So I thought he wanted to "hang out" because he liked me as a person
Nah he just wanted to fuck me
That was the fakest sex I ever had in my life
The next day I dropped him off at his car in the club parking lot
He tried to leave without even EXCHANGING PHONE NUMBERS
I held him hostage and made him give it to me
Then I texted him and told him to give me his email address or I'd blow up his phone while he was at work
Then I sent him over 100 super-deep introspective emails that I bet people would actually pay money to read in a book
He responded to ONE, early on
But I kept going
I thought that it was a matter of me proving to him that I was worth being treated as more than just a fuck doll...like maybe if I could just get him to see that I'm amazing, he could relate to me as a human being. It wasn't HIM in particular that I was obsessed with, he was symbolic of men in general.
Idk I just get a similar vibe from what you've said about this girl
This is too true including her previous reply. Women by nature seek that deeper touch. Physical is a bonus to the psychological and emotional. If you have vibes with this girl the bond might already be intense and you just don't know how intense it is yet.
Tread water carefully because a broken heart has the potential to destro more than just one life. You don't want to create a woman with a black widow heart and mindset out of a misunderstanding. Be honest and forthright with your intentions. Maybe it will be a friendship and maybe you will part ways. Of course she may also just be DTF and hang out at times. Only way to know is with pure brutal honesty it is ALWAYS the best answer. Good luck friend.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: Am I being a dick? [Re: tarlin]
#23773195 - 10/26/16 12:48 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yeah man I always give hookup peeps the same advice. COMMUNICATE and clearly explain your intentions. You should tell a girl from the first that you aren't looking for commitments. And explain it's partly because you move alot. Say from the start you're looking for a friend that you can share a bed with from time to time.
Seriously you might not consciously leading her on but I've seen so many, men and women both, lead the other on by just not saying anything. Or being very vague about what little is said. All good relationships of any sort are set with firm and clearly expressed boundaries.
Good luck with your current situation. Might turn out messy, might not. But I'd bet she's likely to at least be a little disappointed. But you never know, she might just want a close friend she can bang too.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
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Chakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
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Quote:
Anonymous said: as if all they mean to me is sex. I'd happily hangout with the girl even if I wasn't getting to bang her, I just dont wanna date her, I move around way too much. What do you guys think?
That's a tough one, because it seems like you would enjoy a friendship as much as hooking up with her, but you just don't want to mix the two right now because you're moving soon.
Since that's the case, I would explain to her that it's one or the other at this point, seeing as when both are involved people tend to become really attached, making goodbyes more painful.
It seems like hooking up with her again, after how much she's been texting you or trying to engage with you in any way, would be leading her on. Unless you can have an explicit conversation about it before hand in which you are both fully understood and agree upon what you're looking for, I think that hooking up with her again would only lead to confusion and misfortune.
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Anonymous #1
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Yea I do think you are right. At the same time though, I think this girl is so lonely, even if I wasnt hooking up with her she would still be interested in hanging out. I dont wanna bail on her now but I'll just tell her straight up when I see her that I cant be in a relationship. That I tried before but my workload and lifestyle just dont fit it. If that upsets her I'll leave her be.
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Anonymous #1
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Ended up texting her and telling her straight up I can't be in a relationship. She gave me a mildly vague response, saying shes not one to rush into things and shes still totally interested in getting to me. I actually do think this girl is lonely and might just be looking for a friend, so I'll treat it as such. Shes definitely a fun to person to watch movies with
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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The fact that she said not rush into things means she sees a relationship forming
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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I wouldn't worry about this situation all too much, set your boundaries and forget it, when you leave she'll get over it.
If there is one thing I regret, its the relationships I've needlessly passed up so I could continue drifting. You're both better off having what you want today and losing it, than not having it until some unknown time down the line.
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Anonymous #1
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Maybe, but she knows my intensions very clearly now, I've openly communicated with her and want to be friends, I dont think theres any harm in trying. If for any reason she finds herself developing feelings for me, shell know that I cant commit, and we can always stop seeing each other
But yea Repertoire, I seriously regret not dating more women earlier on in my life, I passed up so many opportunities. I dont think any of them would have flourished, but they're learning experienced I would have liked to have. Its why I've been more driven to seek out people as of recently.
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Chakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
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honesty's always the best choice, imo. Now at least there's a foundation of genuine communication for whatever direction the two of you go in, however much time you spend with each other.
It's still pretty vague though, and Hundo_Cat is right, it does seem like she's still looking for a relationship.
Edited by Chakra Shock (10/26/16 09:39 PM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Yeah, me and the cat said pretty much the exact same thing. I said:
Just bear in mind that she might have deluded herself into not hearing your words clearly
100thecat said:
That might not get through to her though. Let me give you an example of how oblivious a person can be
Love, when it gets sparked romantically, really is like a temporary insanity. And being on either side of unrequited (romantic) love is a very messy business indeed.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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sudly
Darwin's stagger


Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,810
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Tell her she means sex AND friendship to you.
Be honest or fuck off I say.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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