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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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My so called life
#23757766 - 10/21/16 11:33 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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So ive been on a road to nowhere for a good while now. Lost my job, became homeless, got admitted to a psyche ward several times due to amphetamine abuse and now im living on welfare in temp accomodation.
I've totally messed up my life at every step, from relationships to education to work and all the rest. I'm not a stupid person, just ultimately self-destructive. Picking my life up off of the floor is an ongoing struggle.
Anyone else been down similar roads? I need to get my ife back on track but cant seem to do anything right for myself at the moment. What keeps you going at rock bottom when you have nothing and no one anymore?
I need some more reasons to live other than getting high.
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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My life's a mess right now, the causes vary from obsession to drugs and poorly ended companionships.
It doesn't get to me all that much because I'm looking forward to meeting new people, traveling to new places, doing what I do again...
A lot of people seem to struggle with finding a purpose, personally I just enjoy living
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fuzzipeach
Stranger Danger


Registered: 12/13/15
Posts: 176
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Whats your reason right now? It can't be getting high, that's not strong enough to keep anyone going for as long as it seems you have.
If you really believed you had absolutley nothing youd be 6 feet under by now.
If you sit around feeling bad about your shortcomings youre just going to make getting up harder. Fuck what happened before, and fuck pity parties. You just said you know youre not stupid, that's reason enough. Find a way to demonstrate that rather than having to say it.
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searching



Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 4,128
Last seen: 5 months, 5 days
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I know a guy who used to snort heroin, meth, drink, and do anything he could get his hands on. Then he decided to change and went to engineering school. Now he chemically designs new polymers and makes 100k per year plus commission. And he has a second engineering job on the side and is getting a patent on a new type of plating process that he invented.
Your only limits are what you set for yourself. It's up to you what you want to do with your life. But constantly learning new things is a good path. If you just work on self improvement every day in some form or another then you'll be on a good path.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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My advice is meditation, yoga and spirituality.
I know in your situation those would be my refuge and salvation.
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Everything I post is fiction.
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Morel Guy
Stranger


Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 15,577
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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As long as your criminal record is clean you can improve a great deal. Some jobs are off the table with a mental health record.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Re: My so called life [Re: Morel Guy]
#23757837 - 10/21/16 11:56 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Your mental health record is confidential and not accessible to employers.
Unless you want to be an astronaut or fighter pilot you probably won't find your mental health records to be a barrier to employment.
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Everything I post is fiction.
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Tmethyl
Smear in the shale


Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 16,431
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: My so called life [Re: Moonshoe]
#23757842 - 10/21/16 11:58 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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All problems are personal. Luckily, you're not a person. Whew. Glad you don't have to take any of this seriously. Luckily, you're in that position. Whew. What a hell this world would be if we believed it to be true. 
Love you.
-------------------- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Morel Guy
Stranger


Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 15,577
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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Re: My so called life [Re: Moonshoe]
#23757894 - 10/21/16 12:15 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Moonshoe said: Your mental health record is confidential and not accessible to employers.
Unless you want to be an astronaut or fighter pilot you probably won't find your mental health records to be a barrier to employment.
Lot's of jobs require a medical evaluation. Can't get so much as a truck drivers license with psychosis history.
Lot's of ways employers can access medical history.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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Quote:
fuzzipeach said: Whats your reason right now? It can't be getting high, that's not strong enough to keep anyone going for as long as it seems you have.
If you really believed you had absolutley nothing youd be 6 feet under by now.
If you sit around feeling bad about your shortcomings youre just going to make getting up harder. Fuck what happened before, and fuck pity parties. You just said you know youre not stupid, that's reason enough. Find a way to demonstrate that rather than having to say it.
I don't have any good reason to keep going other than fear of death. I have a couple of friends that i like to get high with, but thats all my life is. So I dont have absolutely nothing, but close to it.
I'm not really sitting around feeling bad about things. Its just that i've messed up everything and don't have much in my life other than getting high right now.
I will try and find a way to demonstrate my non-stupidity, but its hard with lifetime track record of failure and self-destruction.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Re: My so called life [Re: Morel Guy]
#23757982 - 10/21/16 12:46 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Maybe Canada is different.
Here your psychological health records are just as confidential as any other part of your medical history.
I have never heard of any job here requesting access to your health records, mental or otherwise.
With the exception of military, police or government jobs with a security clearance I am quite certain such a thing could not legally be requested by any employer.
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Everything I post is fiction.
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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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Re: My so called life [Re: searching]
#23757990 - 10/21/16 12:48 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
searching said: I know a guy who used to snort heroin, meth, drink, and do anything he could get his hands on. Then he decided to change and went to engineering school. Now he chemically designs new polymers and makes 100k per year plus commission. And he has a second engineering job on the side and is getting a patent on a new type of plating process that he invented.
Somehow I doubt that greatness is in my future, but its nice to know that people can bounce back like that.
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fuzzipeach
Stranger Danger


Registered: 12/13/15
Posts: 176
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At least you have some sort of will to carry on. Thats a lot more than others have. Even the friends you have are something. Its hard to do, but try to appreciate the things that are still there. Fake it til you make it. Your past doesnt define you. I had someone who was a piece of shit, in and out of psych wards, lied, relapsed.over and over again.he had a future, he could have gone to Northwestern, he could have been a rich douche by now. But hes not. Hes somebody else. He got out of his nightmare, and ended the nightmare for everyone he involved. He found something he though he might like and stuck with it for a couple years. And it just worked out. Has his own place to live now blah blah blah.
Everyone has a story and yours isnt anywhere near the end.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Just remember that even small positive changes today snowball into huge life transformations tomorrow.
Never forget that the next step is always yours.
You don't need to fix your life today, just try and take one step in the right direction.
--------------------
Everything I post is fiction.
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mt cleverest
clevendafodil

Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 2,348
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Re: My so called life [Re: Moonshoe]
#23758027 - 10/21/16 01:05 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Puts your highs to good use and start an art project. and like moonshoe said, yoga, everyday.
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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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Re: My so called life [Re: Moonshoe]
#23758203 - 10/21/16 02:23 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Moonshoe said: Just remember that even small positive changes today snowball into huge life transformations tomorrow.
Never forget that the next step is always yours.
You don't need to fix your life today, just try and take one step in the right direction.
I wish cliches and hippy bullshit like meditation and yoga actually worked for me, but it doesnt. I appreciate the sentiment though.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Meditation and yoga are not Bullshit, they have profound benefits proven by science.
You say they don't work for you, but obviously you havent truly tried.
Clearly what you are doing is what is not working for you.
If you want different results you need to try a different lifestyle from the one you are following.
The choices you have made have led you to the grim place you describe .
Rejecting more positive alternatives will ensure you remain trapped where you are or continue progressing to worse and worse states.
The truth is that yoga and meditation and martial arts absolutely WILL help you- If you practice them daily and consistently.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results "
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Everything I post is fiction.
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DinduNuffin
the speaker
Registered: 08/11/16
Posts: 287
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@mescalator,
sir, perhaps you have taken peyote, but you have not taken the KRISHNAMURTI CHALLENGE! freedom from conflict, internally and externally, lies in completing the CHALLENGE sir.
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shadyy
aHhahhHA


Registered: 09/08/08
Posts: 21,330
Loc: winchestertonfieldville i...
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What are your talents?
--------------------
ga ga ga eets eets how you gone be mad on vacation? MONICA COULDN'T TELL TIME UNTIL SHE WAS 13
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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the end goal is death. embrace the mistakes. life isn't so precious, considering that what people do is mostly driven by the mistakes they make.
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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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Re: My so called life [Re: shadyy]
#23758276 - 10/21/16 02:54 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
What are your talents?
None to speak of really. I'm good with computers to an extent, but other than that I have no real talents to speak of.
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Dr. P. Silocybin
Would you like fries with that?



Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 2,620
Loc: The Great Divide
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
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Quote:
mescalator said: So ive been on a road to nowhere for a good while now. Lost my job, became homeless, got admitted to a psyche ward several times due to amphetamine abuse and now im living on welfare in temp accomodation.
I've totally messed up my life at every step, from relationships to education to work and all the rest. I'm not a stupid person, just ultimately self-destructive. Picking my life up off of the floor is an ongoing struggle.
Anyone else been down similar roads? I need to get my ife back on track but cant seem to do anything right for myself at the moment. What keeps you going at rock bottom when you have nothing and no one anymore?
I need some more reasons to live other than getting high.

I can relate. Every opportunity I've been given, and there have been a few really good ones, I've squandered. Everyone I love I have hurt. Sometimes I want to get real heavy into dope, at least an addiction would give me a purpose day to day. But I always end up taking breaks from the hard shit. I'm not sure why, probably the same reason I haven't put a bullet in my head. As much as I would sometimes like to be, I'm just not done living yet. And it sounds like you aren't either.
One thing that keeps me going is nature. Being alone in the wilderness can remind you how trivial your problems are. The mountains were here for millennia before we were born and will be here for millennia after we die. It puts things in perspective for me. And the sheer beauty of it all recharges my soul. Maybe you would have more luck with meditation if you found a nice lake, or stream to meditate by. Someplace quit where you can be alone.
Also, meditation does not always mean sitting cross legged. You can walk and meditate, you can do anything and meditate, I think sitting just makes it easier to turn off the waterfall. Don't try to force thoughts out of your mind. Think of them as ripples on a pond. let them spread out, bounce of each other, and create new a different ripples. let them do their thing until they naturally fade away and pond is still.
Maybe a pet would help? My sister is giving me a kitten this weekend. I'm pretty stoked. I have a hard time giving a fuck about my life, it doesn't really matter to me how it ends up. I'd like to be happy, but I'm not motivated enough to put in the work if it's just for me. Having something outside myself to care about helps me make the positive changes that I need.
Also, how willing are you to submit yourself to difficult psychedelic experiences? I like to clean the windows of perception from time to time. But you have to expect that going in to it depressed that it might be a rough trip. I like to do it alone so I can focus on my internal struggles, but if you have a close friend to be there with you that's not a bad idea so long as you wont feel the need to hold anything back in front of this person. I think it helps, my problem is that shortly after the trip I fail to assimilate what I've learned into my everyday life. I don't change anything, and then fall back into same place I was in before the trip. Despite all that I still think psychedelics have a positive impact, for me, and if you can carry that experience with you and put it to work in your life then their potential is unlimited.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Reading is all well and good, but reading for 100 hours is of less lasting value than 1 hour of practice in my experience.
My question for you is what spiritual disciplines do you practice following from your study of Krishnamurti?
What use is reading Krishnamurti if one does not meditate?
And if one meditates already, what need is there to read Krishnamurti?
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Everything I post is fiction.
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Bodhi of Ankou
*alternate opinion blocks path*


Registered: 06/02/09
Posts: 24,778
Loc: Soviet Canukistan
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Quote:
mescalator said: So ive been on a road to nowhere for a good while now. Lost my job, became homeless, got admitted to a psyche ward several times due to amphetamine abuse and now im living on welfare in temp accomodation.
I've totally messed up my life at every step, from relationships to education to work and all the rest. I'm not a stupid person, just ultimately self-destructive. Picking my life up off of the floor is an ongoing struggle.
Anyone else been down similar roads? I need to get my ife back on track but cant seem to do anything right for myself at the moment. What keeps you going at rock bottom when you have nothing and no one anymore?
I need some more reasons to live other than getting high.

You're gonna need to start saving and scrounging every penny you can manage. Its probably gonna take a few months before you have enough saved up to get a place, after that you work on getting a job. Once you have those two things going on you'll feel much better about yourself and your position in life. Figuring out exactly what you want from it might take a while though, but you have plenty of time left to you to do that.
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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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Re: My so called life [Re: Moonshoe]
#23758502 - 10/21/16 04:31 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Moonshoe said: Meditation and yoga are not Bullshit, they have profound benefits proven by science.
You say they don't work for you, but obviously you havent truly tried.
Meditation is just introspection. I am introspective by personality type so its pointless for me to train my mind in that way.
Also, every two bit guru from here to shanghai says that 'if it doesnt work for you, you havent 'really' tried'.
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mescalator
Stranger

Registered: 09/19/16
Posts: 156
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
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Quote:
Bodhi of Ankou said: You're gonna need to start saving and scrounging every penny you can manage. Its probably gonna take a few months before you have enough saved up to get a place, after that you work on getting a job. Once you have those two things going on you'll feel much better about yourself and your position in life. Figuring out exactly what you want from it might take a while though, but you have plenty of time left to you to do that.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Meditation is not just introspection.
There is nobody for whom yoga doesn't work.
If you do yoga regularly you will achieve mental, physical and emotional benefits.
Saying "yoga doesn't work for me" is like saying exercise doesn't work for me or healthy eating doesn't work for me.
All these things work for everyone to the extent that they do them consistently.
You saying yoga and meditation are Bullshit or don't work for you is you lying to yourself as a cop-out in order to justify not doing them, and not doing them is the only way in which you will not benefit from them.
You are like a starving man who says "food doesn't work for me", or an exhausted man who says "sleep is just hippy bullshit"
Your OP states that you have completely failed to manage your life successfully.
You should ask yourself - doesn't the mess your life has become show you that you clearly don't know what you need, what is good for you and what works for you?
You admit you have failed in every aspect of your life. How absurd then to think you can dismiss ancient traditions of wisdom that have been proven to be effective by both science and thousands of years of people using them and benefiting.
Your OP speaks of humility, your comments on yoga and meditation speak of arrogance and ironic pride.
You are like a man with a terminal illness who despite being in agony from the disease feels he knows better than the doctor and rejects the medicine.
Nevertheless, if you have a mental block that prevents you from undertaking the practices of yoga and meditation, focus instead on martial arts.
If you have some mental block preventing you from doing martial arts as well, then do some other form of exercise instead such as jogging, weight lifting , swimming or body weight exercises.
Whatever form of exercise you are willing to do, make it a daily practice.
Doing so will benefit you in every aspect of your life and will increase your physical, mental and emotional health. It will reduce your stress, alleviate depression and enhance mood and self confidence.
This will in turn help you get to grips with the rest of your life.
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Everything I post is fiction.
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Bodhi of Ankou
*alternate opinion blocks path*


Registered: 06/02/09
Posts: 24,778
Loc: Soviet Canukistan
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I dont think its going to do much to his addiction. If he had some sort of disorder it would be beneficial but for straight addiction its not gonna have much of an effect. Gabapentin can help you with the cravings. You can buy it online with little to no hassle and a lot of people have reported dropping a gram a day eliminated withdrawals from meth and heroin. Other then that getting out of your position is fairly straight forward and requires nothing more then a little discipline and self control.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Gabapentin/ pregabalin does wonders for opiate or gaba withdrawal.
Just be aware it is also addictive itself and has a nasty WD of its own.
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Everything I post is fiction.
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: My so called life [Re: Moonshoe]
#23758781 - 10/21/16 06:22 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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The answers you seek are here..
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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