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Anonymous #1
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Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand.
#23757580 - 10/21/16 10:18 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Went on a date with a great girl who admitted to me later via text she likes BDSM. I am completely inexperienced, but intrigued. We havent even had sex yet which I would assume would come next time I see her, but now im worried that I have to pull out all this crazy shit to satisfy her.
She is a bottom and thethings she likes: bondage, edging, sensory dep, forced orgasm, somnophila, rape play, spanking/hair pulling.
I feel kind of ackward trying these things with a girl ive never even banged before and dont know all to well. For people into this kind of thing, will she be disappointed if I dont start dominating her? Im down for rough sex/hair pulling/spanking, but some of the other stuff just feels awkward first time.
Thoughts?
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1] 5
#23757722 - 10/21/16 11:18 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I went out with a girl who was a sub for a while - she was the most sexually incompatible partner I've ever had. I enjoy playing, but she was so cemented into that role there was no variation on her part. I got bored very quickly.
My advice would be not to put pressure on yourself. See how it goes. Talk to her, try it, and see if you enjoy it.
If you do, carry on, if you don't.. don't.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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JohnnieYen
Okay



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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23757744 - 10/21/16 11:25 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I would be honest with her instead of trying to fill a "role" you think she wants.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: JohnnieYen]
#23758013 - 10/21/16 12:57 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I am definitely curious to try it, just a little hesitant to try it first time through. Just wondering if she will find me boring if I dont jump right into it first time in bed with her. If we arent compatible thats fine, but I want to kick the tires for awhile and not bore her away from me after one try
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23758783 - 10/21/16 06:23 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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You're being too hard on yourself, IMO.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23763200 - 10/23/16 04:15 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I feel kind of ackward trying these things with a girl ive never even banged before and dont know all to well. For people into this kind of thing, will she be disappointed if I dont start dominating her? Im down for rough sex/hair pulling/spanking, but some of the other stuff just feels awkward first time.
You should tell her exactly that, communicate and see what you get back. There is no reason putting yourself in a position that you are not comfortable with, risking a bad experience that might hinder progress with other people. Its better to just speak up and loose less pride and ego by being honest, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but at least she'll respect you
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Rosen_Rot]
#23764005 - 10/23/16 11:25 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Cool appreciate the advice everyone.
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SARAtonin
Violent Dreams


Registered: 09/28/11
Posts: 15,911
Loc: Deutschland
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#23764331 - 10/23/16 01:50 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Nothing wrong with a little kink.  You might be surprised. But if it's not in your comfort zone, just let her know. When in doubt, always be honest and upfront.
-------------------- God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are none so like him as ourselves. Want to join a cult? Click for details…
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Black_Sunset
Amateur Anesthesiologist


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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: SARAtonin] 2
#23765065 - 10/23/16 07:04 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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bdsm isn't necessarily sex and that's a good distinction to make in your mind. Like getting flogged in public because you were a bad boy/girl/slut/little is bdsm, but you aren't having sex (even though it is arousing).
It's great you've found out so much of her kinks already. Find out if she want to be dominated and to what extent, that's a great step. Just read read read on how to be a dom and then try things out with her. Easiest thing for doms to do is verbal commands.
"sit here. On your knees."
"Take off my belt."
"look at me while you suck my cock"
For edging and orgasm denial make her tell you when she's close and then literally tell her "don't cum until I tell you to cum. Got it?" she will say yes and then just keep fucking her. If it's done right she will be making a lot of noise squirming around. Just use that opportunity to grab her throat(the right way), pin her hard, pull on her hair, etc. I like to do a count-down for her. 5....4....3...2........1..... and then if she held off and came when you said you fuck her good and tell her she's a good girl, flip her over and fuck her some more.
bondage is super fun and easy. Make sure you have an idea of what you want to do to her first, and make it easy to set up if you decide after you've already started having sex that you want to tie her up. You can get cheap rope at the hardware store, but I like the silk rope from sex shops or the dynamic rope you'll find at rockclimbing stores. But handcuffs and bands that lock around wrists/ankles are safer and easier to put on/take off.
I don't have experience with any heavy bondage or rope play but you can find lots of classes on it and videos online of course. I'm still learning a lot about kinks and exploring myself. Personally I just tie their limbs spread across the matress, or standing. Sling the rope under the mattress and tie her open. It's so much fun, especially if you have a magic wand, other toys, or things to beat her with like a belt.
spanking is awesome and fun. She probably will like it if you spank her as punishment.
Spend time reading about each kink. Read what people have to say because there are techniques for EVERYTHING, and safety risks you might not think about (like if you flog her ass and you accidently whip her pussy, she is gonna have a bad time (or a super good time)).
Join fetlife.com, explore that shit and get ideas.
Tell her when the time is right that you are inexperienced with kinks but you're gonna fuck her up just like she needs. The more you work on it the more she will see you care and appreciate it. You don't have to be a dungeon master to have bdsm sex. amazon has super cheap products like handcuffs that are great to start. When I feel anxious about doing something new I just take a deep confident breath, lock my eyes on that sweet sweet prize and charge in.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Black_Sunset]
#23765811 - 10/24/16 01:13 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thanks, that was exactly the kind of response I was looking for.
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23765932 - 10/24/16 04:15 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I think I had a run-in with a guy who was naturally super-dom back before my transition to spectrophilia
I had no idea that was lurking in him, it was a total surprise
It was one of those situations that, from my perspective, was a particularly cruel form of rape
So please be sure you guys talk about this before doing it to the ladies, otherwise you can cause tremendous harm (although I'm sure that's probably the point for some people...been around enough to know there will be folks getting off on this post)
Edited by 100_the_cat (10/24/16 04:35 AM)
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They
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: 100_the_cat] 1
#23768776 - 10/25/16 01:04 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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OP, just be your own man and tell her you'll choke and slap and gag her when you're good and goddamn ready to.
Doesn't like it? Tell her to find some other dude that gives the BDSM up easier.
YOu bang this girl like YOU like to bang, be attentive, be dominating, be whatever comes up in the spur of the moment, you do your thing and see what develops from there.
If she comes at you with some list of already made in-the-head requirements, that she wants this this and this and this, it's ON YOU to set her head straight, that you're not a fucking video game where she can just tell you what to do.
My feeling is that you're kind of overthinking this, that your stuff won't be good enough or whatever. If this girl thought or felt that she wouldn't give you the time of day.
You go and play with her some more, have some fun, maybe spend some naked time alone just playing, not necessarily pushing it so eagerly to sex and crazy shit, let that develop at its own rhythm. Oil her up and do some massage, slap that ass a little bit, there's a nice poetic melodious flow to this, to me at least that's the whole point and magic.
I've actually met a girl on a site that was so damn obsessed with being a submissive, finding a dom, that you couldn't fucking talk to her, she got her head stuck on her first dom guy that played with her, and there was this visible pressure there for me to be that guy, not myself. I can be the most aggressive dom when I feel like it, but that narrowness of vision on her part just killed it, I left her to her fate knowing she'd repeat the same experience several more times before she learns to let go of past, and come back to the present. I kind of felt like many girls must feel when they see that "when do we get to the fucking" obsessed attitude, wanting to skip all the niceties and pleasantries in between. Well why? Some of those are the most memorable and fun 
Think Venn-Euler diagrams, there's some stuff you like, some stuff she likes, just find the common ground, the overlap, and play in that playground (which will over time expand). The moment either one of you tries to force or impose things, chances are the spell gets broken and not much fun comes of it.
I for one would recommend just covering her eyes and bringing some nice honey in, or some ice cubes to play with, just play and explore at first, get to know each other. If you like spending time together what's the hurry?
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23769172 - 10/25/16 07:43 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
They said: I've actually met a girl on a site that was so damn obsessed with being a submissive, finding a dom, that you couldn't fucking talk to her, she got her head stuck on her first dom guy that played with her, and there was this visible pressure there for me to be that guy, not myself. I can be the most aggressive dom when I feel like it, but that narrowness of vision on her part just killed it
Sounds just like my experience as described above.
Quote:
100_the_cat said: I had no idea that was lurking in him, it was a total surprise
I've been quite surprised by the types of people that get stuck in that role in the bedroom. I think it's somewhat of a compensation for their position in normal life - they always seem quite meek to me, but then I hear of their sexual proclivities and I'm like, man, I wouldn't have expected that of you!
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23769646 - 10/25/16 11:09 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: I've been quite surprised by the types of people that get stuck in that role in the bedroom. I think it's somewhat of a compensation for their position in normal life - they always seem quite meek to me, but then I hear of their sexual proclivities and I'm like, man, I wouldn't have expected that of you!
Yeah, I bet people would think I'm a dom because of my personality, I speak very matter-of-factly, I don't equivocate all the time, I don't apologize for everything, etc.
One time at work it was busy and everyone had gone home, so this girl (who I happened to be really attracted to) was instructing me how to help her, like very step-by-step and with conviction, and inside I was like "Wtf, this is kinda hot." When I see a small pretty girl I do sometimes think about how I'd like to really fuck her hard and pin her down, but thats relatively rare.
All I care about is if a girl gives off a vibe like she enjoys sex. There are some girls that just seem dead inside in that regard, even if they have a perfectly fine personality. I'm pretty open and flexible with sex as long as shes actually into it
Anyway, OP don't feel like a dork for how awkward it will inevitably be, this is her weird fetish, you're the relative normal one (or at least by soceity's standards). Hopefully she'll think its fun developing a relationship with someone who doesn't have any preconcieved notions about how to enjoy BDSM
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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They
Stranger


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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: bloodsheen]
#23772194 - 10/26/16 02:46 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
All I care about is if a girl gives off a vibe like she enjoys sex. There are some girls that just seem dead inside in that regard, even if they have a perfectly fine personality. I'm pretty open and flexible with sex as long as shes actually into it
This right here. This is key. I've so far met a huge horde of girls that know very very precisely what they DON'T want. And that's not OK because this. ANd that's not OK because that. Well, what DO you like to do, woman? Answer: *sigh*
Have seen this enough times, to know to just up and fucking leave, because that's just not worth my time and energy to deal with. Some of them do come around, get back in contact a week or two later, and lo and behold they've figured out what's what, but if I see over-focus on the NO and DON'T parts of life, it's blah. Time to go. Let them suck some other dude dry of all life and good vibes, I'm looking for girls to have fun with.
Interestingly enough I've found that ribs and abdomen poking work really well to get the show started again, at least with some. Re-starting the game, like they try to just stop everything you do, don't this don't that don't anything, but if you poke and back off before they can retailate, it generally gets the chase going again, and that gets em out of their heads.
Come to think of it, I think that's the main value of sex and male-female games we play, to get snapped out of that verbal, in-the-head, overthinking zone, into a more tongue-in-cheek, moving, playing and exploring style.
Quote:
I've been quite surprised by the types of people that get stuck in that role in the bedroom. I think it's somewhat of a compensation for their position in normal life - they always seem quite meek to me, but then I hear of their sexual proclivities and I'm like, man, I wouldn't have expected that of you!
Oh man, how on the money this is 
Two girls come to mind here, one was a very bookish over-read philosophy student, very in-her-head and very text-based. I attracted her after confidently explaining to her that I'm a devout Epicurean hedonist, based on my vast experience of having watched a couple of videos on youtube, and the other girl was literally a shy librarian that I met at the library.
As I was speaking to them I was wondering if the clichee is true, that shy introvert girls are pretty wild inside. Imagine my surprise when I found myself being anally licked by these characters, just out of the blue, with no prior warning whatsoever
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Enjoywho
Rags to Bitches



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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23774598 - 10/26/16 08:09 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I hooked up with this girl that loved to be choked. Wasn't really into it. I'm sure she'll show you the ropes. Maybe you'll like it maybe you won't.
-------------------- "I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." "In the days of kings and queens I was a jester." "And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies "Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"
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They
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Enjoywho]
#23775333 - 10/27/16 12:32 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Just say no OP, chicks love a challenge.
Make her crawl and beg for it a little bit, else it's no fun for anybody. Put a leash on her (I mean literally ), make her bark like a doggie, meow like a cat and you'll consider it.
Why make this whole opportunity into a source of fear? Make her wear some bunny ears for a while, or whatever furry stuff you're into, do some nice naked finger painting on each other, see what comes out ::D
You obviously have there a woman that's in the most general sense, coming to play with you, willing to play. It's simply a problem of finding what kinds of games you both enjoy playing with each other, and have epic fun together from then on
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23775352 - 10/27/16 12:40 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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That's basically why I said I thought OP was being too hard on himself earlier. He's so concerned with living up to her expectations, it seems, that he's neglected to mention at all what he wants.
Personally, I would never get into a relationship with someone who was full dom/sub ever again, as I like to balance the roles dependent on mood, and often forgo them entirely. But I can only say that having experienced it.
I know one thing though; I had no hesitation in going into it knowing she was a sub. It was a big part of her life. I just knew that after the first few times we had sex I got bored with the rigidity of it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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They
Stranger


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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23775445 - 10/27/16 01:42 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
I know one thing though; I had no hesitation in going into it knowing she was a sub. It was a big part of her life. I just knew that after the first few times we had sex I got bored with the rigidity of it.
I feel ya man, for me it was the same (and no sex needed, I knew after the first real life convo )
Also keep in mind as trippers we have more levels active, we need more complex and versatile partners, able to mentally shift, move and dance, as we shift move and dance.
In other words, they're humans, we're colorful dancing birds
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Jokeshopbeard
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23775590 - 10/27/16 04:23 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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mmmm, I'm not so sure that spending lots of time in altered mindstates has any correlation here. She used to trip a bit (although nowhere near as much as I - I don't know anyone IRL who trips as often as I do) else I wouldn't have even made it to the bedroom with her. It's a bit of an acid test for me, compatibility wise, if someone likes altered mindstates. I think she got a lot of that fulfilled through her submissive/masochistic tendencies.
Which I can appreciate. Being covered in tattoos and scars, I've come to really appreciate the altered mindstate offered through endorphin release in response to pain. She was a real spiritual motherfucker too. So we were compatible in all ways BUT physically, and I think, as was mentioned earlier in the thread, that that was due to the power that one of her previous partners still had over her.
Anyone I know who's pretty experienced with relationships in this life seems to have had ONE that's left a huge mark on their psyche. I'm sure every relationship that goes even a little deep does in subtle ways, but I've observed others, myself included, irrevocably changed by a single, specific relationship that's touched you where you did not imagine you could ever be touched.
I've seen it change people from optimists to cynics and vice versa, from fighters to pacifists, and in my case, from decidedly non-spiritual to having absolute faith. It could have been an existing predilection for her to be sub, but I got the impression it was a man that left her that way.
At the end of the day, sexual preference is one of the most intimate and personal things there is, and is likely formed through very early (childhood) experiences. I'm sure it can be changed a little as you first start to really explore your sexual nature, but I reckon once it gets set at that point, it's not gonna shift much. My early explorations were always based on equality and hedonism, power play didn't come into it for me until much later. Whereas if power play was there from her early explorations, I can see how it would remain engrained.
And then, even if you end up with someone whose sexual proclivities match your own for a time (which is an absolute blessing - I've experienced about a 10% success rate with this over ~20 sexual relationships), I believe that it never stays that way for long. Eventually the proclivities and tastes of one partner drift away from those of the other.
That being the case, it's best for both people involved if you can start the journey together with as close a match as possible in that department. Sex aint the be all and end all but it's fucking important. That way you have a better chance of physically bonding more powerfully at the beginning, and thus having greater momentum and resilience down the line when things start to change, as they always do.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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They
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23776802 - 10/27/16 01:39 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
It could have been an existing predilection for her to be sub, but I got the impression it was a man that left her that way.
At the risk of splitting hairs or playing word games here, I think that we basically do this to ourselves, using others. In other words on some level she chose to let herself be changed in that way, in that direction, and if and when she chooses to change that, she'll let some other dude in deep enough and be changed in some new ways.
We're FAR more flexible and plastic (neurology-wise) than most humans assume, it's just that most never use that plasticity anywhere near its actual limits. There's a HUGE amount we can change in a relatively short time, using some intent, meditation, psychedelics, and the right people around us, to help "remagnetize" use in a certain direction, as it were. People start or quit smoking, drugs, a certain kind of sex or another, get phobias or fixations, all of this and more can be changed quite thoroughly, the more one understands what's behind the scenes and how the subconscious communicates, what it forms attraction or repulsion to.
Quote:
I believe that it never stays that way for long. Eventually the proclivities and tastes of one partner drift away from those of the other.
Those are completely in-your-head beliefs. The kind of beliefs that generally we prime our RSA for maintaining and confirming, by filtering out contrary evidence, and thus making the beliefs happen.
All we know is that people like variety, things change over time. Perfectly possible for people's proclivities to change and remain compatible, or as it were, change together. Get into or out of BDSM at roughly the same time, get into threesomes or swinging or playing with food or ice cubes up wherever, whatever it is. This idea that they have to drift away is I think just that, an idea that you've attached truth value to, maybe invested emotionally in, making it more true for you than it is for others.
Never had long or stable relationships to speak of (sometimes I doubt if I've even had an official girlfriend, as opposed to fwb's and crushes and emotional entanglements or adventures) but it just sounds to me like one of those sentences, that seem obvious to whoever says them but are not obvious at all for the rest
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23777426 - 10/27/16 04:45 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
They said: Those are completely in-your-head beliefs.
I have a lot of very close friends in this life, many who have been through, or are still in, relationships of up to 35 years. One of my closest is 72, and another of my inner circle is 52. I am very candid with them about my own experiences in life/relationships, and in turn they are very candid about their own with me. I know a lot of deeply personal details about many other peoples relationships, and I also have a lot of experience gained through my own. On top of that, this is a subject about which I am passionate, and so I read a lot of literature pertaining to this subject, so I also have the experiences of many others whom I do not know personally.
And yet you admit you've never had long or stable relationships whilst at the same time accusing me having these 'made up in my head' beliefs. Upon what do you base your assumption?
Why would I make up such a belief? After all, life would be better if this was not the case, much as it would be better if most humans were not driven by greed, sex, and fear of death as they are. Or do you think that is in my head too?
Unfortunately, it is what it is. You can carry on with the wool pulled over your eyes if you like, but I'll take reality every time; even if I wish it were different, I'll take it for what it is and learn to manage it most effectively without resorting to delusion.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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They
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23778186 - 10/27/16 08:08 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Well I think it may have come off a little more aggressive than I meant it. I certainly wasn't "accusing you" of having made up beliefs, as especially with beliefs that aren't to our advantage, these things aren't intentional. We don't sit down one day and concoct these things that then work against ourselves, that's not what I mean.
I see a lot of basically, made-up beliefs that people hold, from mental health diagnostics to patriotism to phobias and who knows what else, and often times there are large numbers of people that hold them in common. Doesn't make them any more useful, nor true for the others who choose not to share them.
The fact that you read literature in this direction and share stories with old friends, this only gives you access to their beliefs, their stories, their truth. Makes their particular beliefs and opinions more believable to you. Gives validity. As you probably know, non-trippers have a way of following each other's patterns pretty closely, there's not that much deviation from the herd, the group-think. Also not that much extremely creative thinking when trying to solve life's problems. So the fact that you read a lot on a topic, especially if you read stuff from mainstream non-trippers, would just give you a lot of data for what mainstream people tend to do.
What I'm talking about here is that out of the box potential that we have more than others, to go against the norm, to find and do the extraordinary, as our more interesting diet unlocks our minds to new horizons.
The fact that you use "wool over eyes" and "delusion" tells me you may be working with a too direct grip on reality, too tight, which leaves not that much place for magic, creative interpretation. You're welcome to do that, certainly safer, but notice that any kind of falling in love, believing in things being magical (between partners) does involve a certain amount of self-delusion if you will, a strong belief that things with this other person, at least CAN be different than they've been before, with everyone else. And in fact while one can safely maintain that "delusion" intact, one can feel it and benefit from it, that in-love biochemistry, floating on clouds, butterflies and rainbows and little hearts flying in the air
I'm still perfecting the art of making that last more than a couple of months at a time, but I know it can be done.
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23781653 - 10/29/16 12:38 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Most girls I find who say this just want you to mindfuck them a little. Playfully grab their throat or tie their hands with a silk kerchief. Try that and if it doesn't work move on. Once you start taking these things out of the fantasy realm these things get a little sketchy IMO.
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They
Stranger


Registered: 10/23/16
Posts: 146
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: moonrockmushy]
#23781723 - 10/29/16 02:00 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Oh and the ass slapping must be abundant. And just poke her a lot, belly ribs and legs work awesome, just play with this stuff A LOT more than you may naturally be used to, most humans keep the interactions way too verbal way too long.
Get that ass proper slapped to wake her up, to hit those reset buttons in her head, grab that hair historic on the Fury Road on your next fuck session (or love making, whatever you do or call it) and you'll be fine.
Unleash the fury on her dude, unleash the fury 
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23781759 - 10/29/16 03:12 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Although we've only interacted but a handful of times They, I enjoy our conversations. Although there's definitely a point that we've happened across a couple of times now that I feel needs to be looked at more closely. It's this:
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They said: The fact that you read literature in this direction and share stories with old friends, this only gives you access to their beliefs, their stories, their truth. Makes their particular beliefs and opinions more believable to you. Gives validity. As you probably know, non-trippers have a way of following each other's patterns pretty closely, there's not that much deviation from the herd, the group-think. Also not that much extremely creative thinking when trying to solve life's problems. So the fact that you read a lot on a topic, especially if you read stuff from mainstream non-trippers, would just give you a lot of data for what mainstream people tend to do.
What I'm talking about here is that out of the box potential that we have more than others, to go against the norm, to find and do the extraordinary, as our more interesting diet unlocks our minds to new horizons.
'We' are not special. Just because you and I, and many others in this community trip regularly, it in no way elevates us to have more 'potential than others'. By the same token, just because someone is a 'non-tripper' it in no way makes them 'mainstream'.
I recognise this kind of black and white thinking, because I spent a good portion of my life thinking this way. However life has pushed me quite firmly (read: kicked my ass) into seeing that there are an almost infinite different shades between the ends of the spectrum.
At the same time, I am in no way disputing that the majority of people who live in western cultural society are deeply programmed and conditioned to conform to a specific model of thinking and behavioural patterns, and that model is often quite spiritually and emotionally unevolved. I have seen friends stand on the brink of breaking out of it, and then fall back into conformity. And I can understand why - to break out of it is a hard path to walk, and leaves you vulnerable to ridicule by those still locked into it. Unfortunately I have had to leave those friends at the wayside of my own path, but by staying true to my path life has in turn brought people into my sphere who have helped me to progress.
There are a lot of people out there who have tripped and remained 'mainstream' and a lot of people who have never tripped and are the antithesis of mainstream. I do not associate with mainstream people, nor do I read mainstream media, so lets please drop this assumption that my beliefs and experiences are at all inspired by that way of (group) thinking.
That point aside, I want to bring up the point that got us this far, which was:
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I believe that it never stays that way for long. Eventually the proclivities and tastes of one partner drift away from those of the other.
I suspect, from what I've seen you say, that you know that the only constant in this life is change. Obviously that doesn't stop just because someone is in a relationship - both partners continue to change throughout. In order to maintain said relationship, compromises must be made by both partners to mitigate these changes. And when it comes to sexuality, you've got the added complication that brain chemistry (i.e hormones) changing over time play a huge role, and between men and women, and these changes do not inspire long term perfect sexual compatibility. There may be exceptions to this general rule, but when talking biology, exceptions to a rule are rare.
I suppose that I should clarify that I was, for the most part, referring to 'drive', rather than 'taste' in the statement you quoted.
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They said: The fact that you use "wool over eyes" and "delusion" tells me you may be working with a too direct grip on reality, too tight, which leaves not that much place for magic, creative interpretation. You're welcome to do that, certainly safer, but notice that any kind of falling in love, believing in things being magical (between partners) does involve a certain amount of self-delusion if you will, a strong belief that things with this other person, at least CAN be different than they've been before, with everyone else. And in fact while one can safely maintain that "delusion" intact, one can feel it and benefit from it, that in-love biochemistry, floating on clouds, butterflies and rainbows and little hearts flying in the air
Boy did you ever get me wrong there man!! I know full well how a relationship can change you. Before I fell in love with the long term friend that was eventually to become my wife, I was a die hard atheist, and I had no idea what true love really was, even though I had had many short and long term relationships before that time. I went through two years of highs that I never imagined were even possible; magic, synchronicity, the way everything seemed to just perfectly fall into place with every step we took together. Just one example would be the fact that after we got married in the cheapest and most simple way possible, we walked out of the registry office to see a rainbow in the sky - and rainbows were her favourite things in the world:

You couldn't pay for that, even though some spend £15,000 on their day and it all goes wrong (boy have a I seen that a few times), we paid £150 and did it on a whim, and it went more perfectly than I could ever imagine. It remains to this day the most perfect day in my life.
But then I went through two years of hell as everything we'd built collapsed, she fell into depression, alcoholism and became a shell of her former self, and I lost everything - her, my house, my dog, my dream - after a string of suicide attempts that ended up with her in rehab.
I went through a solid year of suffering after that, culminating in me hitting rock bottom. Now that I'm back out the other side, healed, stronger and wiser for the experience, I can see what she came into my life for - to show me that there is a higher force in this life (my agnostic version of 'god'), and to show me what unconditional love really is. And it's practically the opposite of what the 'mainstream' view of love is, IMO.
A DMT trip just a couple of weeks ago showed me that in fact it was not her that I married - it was life - she was just an avatar that represented the deepest aspects of this existence that I had formerly rejected. A day after that trip I added a new tattoo to my collection: 'My wife is life'. She will never again be with me on my path, and I have had to face the fact that I must now walk my path alone for some time, possibly forever, for in seeking relationships, as I have for most of my existence, I never found anything that inspired such immense personal growth. The only thing I seek now is connection with 'god/the divine', and perhaps that will come again through another, perhaps not.
Yes, one can maintain any delusion, the ego is the master at this. And because it is so painful to break free from delusion, many never do. But as we both know, attachment to delusion is suffering. Better to go through the deep, sharp growing pains of breaking free than to live in low level suffering IMO.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: moonrockmushy]
#23781774 - 10/29/16 03:36 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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moonrockmushy said: Most girls I find who say this just want you to mindfuck them a little.
Gotta say MRM, I highly disagree with this. Anyone who is specific enough to say:
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Anonymous said: she likes: bondage, edging, sensory dep, forced orgasm, somnophila, rape play, spanking/hair pulling.
Obviously knows what they like. For some, this is a lifestyle. There's nothing sketchy about that IMO; there's clearly a massive number of people out there in the world that enjoy this very much. The number of clubs in London alone that cater to this kinda thing validate this IMO.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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They
Stranger


Registered: 10/23/16
Posts: 146
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23781789 - 10/29/16 03:58 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Ok, I have read your post and I feel deep resonance with it. I know we'll be talking quite a few matters from now on. As Alan Watts says, when two thieves meet, they recognize each other instantly, they need no introduction 
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'We' are not special. Just because you and I, and many others in this community trip regularly, it in no way elevates us to have more 'potential than others'. By the same token, just because someone is a 'non-tripper' it in no way makes them 'mainstream'.
This is a point where I will not give in to you, to the bitter end.
I my friend, am a wizard. A magical creature. I make it my trade and my art to know and practice the ways of the wizard, the high body voltage, and these are ways that all humans can practice, but here's the kicker, NOT EVERYONE DOES.
I have just a few years under my belt, quite few since my awakening in this particular lifetime, I can tell you're older physically than I am, and so have seen more mileage to draw experience from. What I am saying is that throughout my long chain of incarnations I've developed my wizard craft, being high voltage, eating and drinking and avoiding the right things to maintain this, and now I'm here to spread this way of life, to whoever wants to explore and express it.
When you two fell in love and chose each other, when you chose rainbow, you chose high voltage and expressed it. When two years later (or she, more accurately) chose alcohol and depression, she chose to self-inhibit. To lower her own body voltage in order to not express things inside of her (aggression, resentment, whatever) that she felt you would not be able to handle, that you need protection from.
That's what alcohol and cigarettes do, that's why you'll see some of my posts trigger smokers, drinkers, addicts, general low voltage people, into either shaping up and cleansing, matching this energy, or on the contrary, getting aggressive over it, because they feel the contrast, they feel that I release and express more fully, what they politely suppress or deny, even to themselves.
There is only one choice we make in this life, with its endless variations. We choose truth, expression, high voltage, free expression of our feelings good or bad, OR we can choose suppression, being polite, denying ourselves, drinking alcohol, smoking cigs or distracting with electronic means (TV computer smartphone, or porn video games gambling) or food, sugary fat foods, to trigger that dopamine.
There is a difference between people. All DO have the potential to raise their EM field, their body voltage and thus consciousness, like the Buddha or Jesus did, and many other teachers. The potential we all have, and all decent teachers said this point. But the actual using of it, the actual avoiding of EM field decreasers and disruptors, the actual expression of what's inside, including anger, hatred, crying, breaking down, that's not something we all do, or not all the time.
And when we don't, we fall. We fall from our own grace, from our relationships and so on.
I'll leave you with one bit of my electro-magic, though there's WAY more to say.
What I am saying here is that the warping of reality via stories, interpretations, magical thinking, becomes MUCH stronger at high voltage than at low. You get MUCH earlier warning about what helps or hinders you.
You and your wife had something magical. In my terms there's a strong electrical component to it. Electricity flows through the body if it's well hydrated and mineralized. Both alcohol and cigs dehydrate the body. When either you or her played with alcohol, you may not have consciously known it, but you were playing with your relationship, slowly, gradually eroding it. If she did that alone it was on you to know and warn her (and had you tripped enough together and looked at drunk people while you're tripping, it would have been so obvious) but yeah, people choose the norm sometimes, do as others do, although the others may not be so good as teachers to learn from.
All you've mentioned, depression, alcoholism, are simply ways to lower body voltage, to not express emotions. Longer post for another thread, start it if you wish, or just keep eyes peeled for my other posts, as this is what I will always post about. Keeping that EM field strong is where the vibrancy of life flows from. If we maintain it, it maintains us. If we sell it down the river, its compromised integrity will sell us down the river as well.
Boy this is turning out to be an interesting day here 
Oh and as for the sex stuff and changes mentioned above, I would say that simply following intuition from within, will always lead us towards maintaining maximum voltage, meaning maximum drive, joy, vibrancy. In couples this may well involve periodic breaks, or bringing new people in, or something of the sort, but it's this game of getting lost in the head and thus losing drive, versus getting back out here and getting it back.
I know that with age, the making of body voltage slows down, and so we need to charge and recharge more, to sustain the same amount of activity as we did when younger. As most modern humans are used to do a lot of eyes-open bla-bla all the time, and not much eyes-closed charge-up (meditation, rest) - coupled with the dehydrating crap they may eat or drink, and the electric insulators they wear on their feet all year, this all reduces drive tremendously, compared to what it could be.
Humans do not understand a lot of these issues in modern times, they simply don't see the links and correlations, at least not like we trippers do.
I too have seen trippers who are stuck in mainstream. But for me, it was always tripper smokers, tripper drinkers, the tripping takes their EM field and body voltage high, where they can see, but then immediately they smoke, drink or otherwise deplete that energy, to unwittingly make themselves dumb again.
You believe yourself common if you wish. I know I did. It was only when I started to know myself as non-human, apart from what they do, that I started to be able to use energy much more effectively. Finding (or making, triggering) the others like myself is a much more challenging game than simply finding some decent human female, but this is the game we all play, whatever species we incarnate in.
Can you find the others like you, in a jungle of competing signals
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23782435 - 10/29/16 11:47 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
moonrockmushy said: Most girls I find who say this just want you to mindfuck them a little.
Gotta say MRM, I highly disagree with this. Anyone who is specific enough to say:
Quote:
Anonymous said: she likes: bondage, edging, sensory dep, forced orgasm, somnophila, rape play, spanking/hair pulling.
Obviously knows what they like. For some, this is a lifestyle. There's nothing sketchy about that IMO; there's clearly a massive number of people out there in the world that enjoy this very much. The number of clubs in London alone that cater to this kinda thing validate this IMO.
yeah totally nothing sketchy about rape play if it's all in good fun.
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
#23785930 - 10/30/16 03:34 PM (7 years, 2 months ago) |
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They said: Just say no OP, chicks love a challenge.
Make her crawl and beg for it a little bit, else it's no fun for anybody. Put a leash on her (I mean literally ), make her bark like a doggie, meow like a cat and you'll consider it.
Why make this whole opportunity into a source of fear? Make her wear some bunny ears for a while, or whatever furry stuff you're into, do some nice naked finger painting on each other, see what comes out ::D
You obviously have there a woman that's in the most general sense, coming to play with you, willing to play. It's simply a problem of finding what kinds of games you both enjoy playing with each other, and have epic fun together from then on 
I think I would be a good dom just cause I don't really enjoy it at all so I could be all scientific about it. I find that whole "leash" idea super unappealing, like possibly the most unappealing thing ever. I find that when Im really into shit I stop using restraint, I've always felt like this type of play was dangerous for that reason.
I've heard people who really get into it actually rely on the dom to be the one in control, like not taking things too far
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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