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Anonymous #1

Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand.
    #23757580 - 10/21/16 10:18 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Went on a date with a great girl who admitted to me later via text she likes BDSM. I am completely inexperienced, but intrigued. We havent even had sex yet which I would assume would come next time I see her, but now im worried that I have to pull out all this crazy shit to satisfy her.

She is a bottom and thethings she likes: bondage, edging, sensory dep, forced orgasm, somnophila, rape play, spanking/hair pulling.

I feel kind of ackward trying these things with a girl ive never even banged before and dont know all to well. For people into this kind of thing, will she be disappointed if I dont start dominating her? Im down for rough sex/hair pulling/spanking, but some of the other stuff just feels awkward first time.

Thoughts?


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 5
    #23757722 - 10/21/16 11:18 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I went out with a girl who was a sub for a while - she was the most sexually incompatible partner I've ever had. I enjoy playing, but she was so cemented into that role there was no variation on her part. I got bored very quickly.

My advice would be not to put pressure on yourself. See how it goes. Talk to her, try it, and see if you enjoy it.

If you do, carry on, if you don't.. don't.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23757744 - 10/21/16 11:25 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I would be honest with her instead of trying to fill a "role" you think she wants.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #23758013 - 10/21/16 12:57 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I am definitely curious to try it, just a little hesitant to try it first time through. Just wondering if she will find me boring if I dont jump right into it first time in bed with her. If we arent compatible thats fine, but I want to kick the tires for awhile and not bore her away from me after one try :lol:


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23758783 - 10/21/16 06:23 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

You're being too hard on yourself, IMO.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineRosen_Rot
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23763200 - 10/23/16 04:15 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I feel kind of ackward trying these things with a girl ive never even banged before and dont know all to well. For people into this kind of thing, will she be disappointed if I dont start dominating her? Im down for rough sex/hair pulling/spanking, but some of the other stuff just feels awkward first time.





You should tell her exactly that, communicate and see what you get back. There is no reason putting yourself in a position that you are not comfortable with, risking a bad experience that might hinder progress with other people. Its better to just speak up and loose less pride and ego by being honest, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but at least she'll respect you


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:sporedrop:"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo :sporedrop:
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Anonymous #1

Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Rosen_Rot]
    #23764005 - 10/23/16 11:25 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Cool appreciate the advice everyone.


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InvisibleSARAtonin
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23764331 - 10/23/16 01:50 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Nothing wrong with a little kink. :shrug:
You might be surprised.
But if it's not in your comfort zone, just let her know.
When in doubt, always be honest and upfront.


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God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are none so like him as ourselves.

Want to join a cult? Click for details…


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OfflineBlack_Sunset
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: SARAtonin] * 2
    #23765065 - 10/23/16 07:04 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

bdsm isn't necessarily sex and that's a good distinction to make in your mind. Like getting flogged in public because you were a bad boy/girl/slut/little is bdsm, but you aren't having sex (even though it is arousing).

It's great you've found out so much of her kinks already. Find out if she want to be dominated and to what extent, that's a great step. Just read read read on how to be a dom and then try things out with her. Easiest thing for doms to do is verbal commands.

"sit here. On your knees."

"Take off my belt."

"look at me while you suck my cock"

For edging and orgasm denial make her tell you when she's close and then literally tell her "don't cum until I tell you to cum. Got it?" she will say yes and then just keep fucking her. If it's done right she will be making a lot of noise squirming around. Just use that opportunity to grab her throat(the right way), pin her hard, pull on her hair, etc. I like to do a count-down for her. 5....4....3...2........1..... and then if she held off and came when you said you fuck her good and tell her she's a good girl, flip her over and fuck her some more.

bondage is super fun and easy. Make sure you have an idea of what you want to do to her first, and make it easy to set up if you decide after you've already started having sex that you want to tie her up. You can get cheap rope at the hardware store, but I like the silk rope from sex shops or the dynamic rope you'll find at rockclimbing stores. But handcuffs and bands that lock around wrists/ankles are safer and easier to put on/take off.

I don't have experience with any heavy bondage or rope play but you can find lots of classes on it and videos online of course. I'm still learning a lot about kinks and exploring myself. Personally I just tie their limbs spread across the matress, or standing. Sling the rope under the mattress and tie her open. It's so much fun, especially if you have a magic wand, other toys, or things to beat her with like a belt.

spanking is awesome and fun. She probably will like it if you spank her as punishment.


Spend time reading about each kink. Read what people have to say because there are techniques for EVERYTHING, and safety risks you might not think about (like if you flog her ass and you accidently whip her pussy, she is gonna have a bad time (or a super good time)).

Join fetlife.com, explore that shit and get ideas.

Tell her when the time is right that you are inexperienced with kinks but you're gonna fuck her up just like she needs. The more you work on it the more she will see you care and appreciate it. You don't have to be a dungeon master to have bdsm sex. amazon has super cheap products like handcuffs that are great to start. When I feel anxious about doing something new I just take a deep confident breath, lock my eyes on that sweet sweet prize and charge in.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Black_Sunset]
    #23765811 - 10/24/16 01:13 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks, that was exactly the kind of response I was looking for.


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23765932 - 10/24/16 04:15 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I think I had a run-in with a guy who was naturally super-dom back before my transition to spectrophilia

I had no idea that was lurking in him, it was a total surprise

It was one of those situations that, from my perspective, was a particularly cruel form of rape

So please be sure you guys talk about this before doing it to the ladies, otherwise you can cause tremendous harm (although I'm sure that's probably the point for some people...been around enough to know there will be folks getting off on this post)


Edited by 100_the_cat (10/24/16 04:35 AM)


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OfflineThey
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: 100_the_cat] * 1
    #23768776 - 10/25/16 01:04 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

OP, just be your own man and tell her you'll choke and slap and gag her when you're good and goddamn ready to.

Doesn't like it? Tell her to find some other dude that gives the BDSM up easier.

YOu bang this girl like YOU like to bang, be attentive, be dominating, be whatever comes up in the spur of the moment, you do your thing and see what develops from there.

If she comes at you with some list of already made in-the-head requirements, that she wants this this and this and this, it's ON YOU to set her head straight, that you're not a fucking video game where she can just tell you what to do.

My feeling is that you're kind of overthinking this, that your stuff won't be good enough or whatever. If this girl thought or felt that she wouldn't give you the time of day.

You go and play with her some more, have some fun, maybe spend some naked time alone just playing, not necessarily pushing it so eagerly to sex and crazy shit, let that develop at its own rhythm. Oil her up and do some massage, slap that ass a little bit, there's a nice poetic melodious flow to this, to me at least that's the whole point and magic.

I've actually met a girl on a site that was so damn obsessed with being a submissive, finding a dom, that you couldn't fucking talk to her, she got her head stuck on her first dom guy that played with her, and there was this visible pressure there for me to be that guy, not myself. I can be the most aggressive dom when I feel like it, but that narrowness of vision on her part just killed it, I left her to her fate knowing she'd repeat the same experience several more times before she learns to let go of past, and come back to the present. I kind of felt like many girls must feel when they see that "when do we get to the fucking" obsessed attitude, wanting to skip all the niceties and pleasantries in between. Well why? Some of those are the most memorable and fun :smile:

Think Venn-Euler diagrams, there's some stuff you like, some stuff she likes, just find the common ground, the overlap, and play in that playground (which will over time expand). The moment either one of you tries to force or impose things, chances are the spell gets broken and not much fun comes of it.

I for one would recommend just covering her eyes and bringing some nice honey in, or some ice cubes to play with, just play and explore at first, get to know each other. If you like spending time together what's the hurry? :smile:


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
    #23769172 - 10/25/16 07:43 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

They said:
I've actually met a girl on a site that was so damn obsessed with being a submissive, finding a dom, that you couldn't fucking talk to her, she got her head stuck on her first dom guy that played with her, and there was this visible pressure there for me to be that guy, not myself. I can be the most aggressive dom when I feel like it, but that narrowness of vision on her part just killed it



Sounds just like my experience as described above.


Quote:

100_the_cat said:
I had no idea that was lurking in him, it was a total surprise



I've been quite surprised by the types of people that get stuck in that role in the bedroom. I think it's somewhat of a compensation for their position in normal life - they always seem quite meek to me, but then I hear of their sexual proclivities and I'm like, man, I wouldn't have expected that of you!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23769646 - 10/25/16 11:09 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
I've been quite surprised by the types of people that get stuck in that role in the bedroom. I think it's somewhat of a compensation for their position in normal life - they always seem quite meek to me, but then I hear of their sexual proclivities and I'm like, man, I wouldn't have expected that of you!



Yeah, I bet people would think I'm a dom because of my personality, I speak very matter-of-factly, I don't equivocate all the time, I don't apologize for everything, etc.

One time at work it was busy and everyone had gone home, so this girl (who I happened to be really attracted to) was instructing me how to help her, like very step-by-step and with conviction, and inside I was like "Wtf, this is kinda hot." When I see a small pretty girl I do sometimes think about how I'd like to really fuck her hard and pin her down, but thats relatively rare.

All I care about is if a girl gives off a vibe like she enjoys sex. There are some girls that just seem dead inside in that regard, even if they have a perfectly fine personality. I'm pretty open and flexible with sex as long as shes actually into it



Anyway, OP don't feel like a dork for how awkward it will inevitably be, this is her weird fetish, you're the relative normal one (or at least by soceity's standards). Hopefully she'll think its fun developing a relationship with someone who doesn't have any preconcieved notions about how to enjoy BDSM


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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OfflineThey
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: bloodsheen]
    #23772194 - 10/26/16 02:46 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:


All I care about is if a girl gives off a vibe like she enjoys sex. There are some girls that just seem dead inside in that regard, even if they have a perfectly fine personality. I'm pretty open and flexible with sex as long as shes actually into it



This right here. This is key. I've so far met a huge horde of girls that know very very precisely what they DON'T want. And that's not OK because this. ANd that's not OK because that. Well, what DO you like to do, woman? Answer: *sigh*

Have seen this enough times, to know to just up and fucking leave, because that's just not worth my time and energy to deal with. Some of them do come around, get back in contact a week or two later, and lo and behold they've figured out what's what, but if I see over-focus on the NO and DON'T parts of life, it's blah. Time to go. Let them suck some other dude dry of all life and good vibes, I'm looking for girls to have fun with.

Interestingly enough I've found that ribs and abdomen poking work really well to get the show started again, at least with some. Re-starting the game, like they try to just stop everything you do, don't this don't that don't anything, but if you poke and back off before they can retailate, it generally gets the chase going again, and that gets em out of their heads.

Come to think of it, I think that's the main value of sex and male-female games we play, to get snapped out of that verbal, in-the-head, overthinking zone, into a more tongue-in-cheek, moving, playing and exploring style.

Quote:


I've been quite surprised by the types of people that get stuck in that role in the bedroom. I think it's somewhat of a compensation for their position in normal life - they always seem quite meek to me, but then I hear of their sexual proclivities and I'm like, man, I wouldn't have expected that of you!




Oh man, how on the money this is :lol:

Two girls come to mind here, one was a very bookish over-read philosophy student, very in-her-head and very text-based. I attracted her after confidently explaining to her that I'm a devout Epicurean hedonist, based on my vast  experience of having watched a couple of videos on youtube, and the other girl was literally a shy librarian that I met at the library.

As I was speaking to them I was wondering if the clichee is true, that shy introvert girls are pretty wild inside. Imagine my surprise when I found myself being anally licked by these characters, just out of the blue, with no prior warning whatsoever :lol:


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OfflineEnjoywho
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
    #23774598 - 10/26/16 08:09 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I hooked up with this girl that loved to be choked. Wasn't really into it. I'm sure she'll show you the ropes. Maybe you'll like it maybe you won't. :shrug:


--------------------
"I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks

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OfflineThey
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Enjoywho]
    #23775333 - 10/27/16 12:32 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Just say no OP, chicks love a challenge.

Make her crawl and beg for it a little bit, else it's no fun for anybody. Put a leash on her (I mean literally :lol:), make her bark like a doggie, meow like a cat and you'll consider it.

Why make this whole opportunity into a source of fear? Make her wear some bunny ears for a while, or whatever furry stuff you're into, do some nice naked finger painting on each other, see what comes out ::D

You obviously have there a woman that's in the most general sense, coming to play with you, willing to play. It's simply a problem of finding what kinds of games you both enjoy playing with each other, and have epic fun together from then on :smile:


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
    #23775352 - 10/27/16 12:40 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

That's basically why I said I thought OP was being too hard on himself earlier. He's so concerned with living up to her expectations, it seems, that he's neglected to mention at all what he wants.

Personally, I would never get into a relationship with someone who was full dom/sub ever again, as I like to balance the roles dependent on mood, and often forgo them entirely. But I can only say that having experienced it.

I know one thing though; I had no hesitation in going into it knowing she was a sub. It was a big part of her life. I just knew that after the first few times we had sex I got bored with the rigidity of it.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineThey
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23775445 - 10/27/16 01:42 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:


I know one thing though; I had no hesitation in going into it knowing she was a sub. It was a big part of her life. I just knew that after the first few times we had sex I got bored with the rigidity of it.



I feel ya man, for me it was the same (and no sex needed, I knew after the first real life convo :lol: )

Also keep in mind as trippers we have more levels active, we need more complex and versatile partners, able to mentally shift, move and dance, as we shift move and dance.

In other words, they're humans, we're colorful dancing birds :lol:


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: Dating a girl who likes BDSM, help me understand. [Re: They]
    #23775590 - 10/27/16 04:23 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

mmmm, I'm not so sure that spending lots of time in altered mindstates has any correlation here. She used to trip a bit (although nowhere near as much as I - I don't know anyone IRL who trips as often as I do) else I wouldn't have even made it to the bedroom with her. It's a bit of an acid test for me, compatibility wise, if someone likes altered mindstates. I think she got a lot of that fulfilled through her submissive/masochistic tendencies.

Which I can appreciate. Being covered in tattoos and scars, I've come to really appreciate the altered mindstate offered through endorphin release in response to pain. She was a real spiritual motherfucker too. So we were compatible in all ways BUT physically, and I think, as was mentioned earlier in the thread, that that was due to the power that one of her previous partners still had over her.

Anyone I know who's pretty experienced with relationships in this life seems to have had ONE that's left a huge mark on their psyche. I'm sure every relationship that goes even a little deep does in subtle ways, but I've observed others, myself included, irrevocably changed by a single, specific relationship that's touched you where you did not imagine you could ever be touched.

I've seen it change people from optimists to cynics and vice versa, from fighters to pacifists, and in my case, from decidedly non-spiritual to having absolute faith. It could have been an existing predilection for her to be sub, but I got the impression it was a man that left her that way.

At the end of the day, sexual preference is one of the most intimate and personal things there is, and is likely formed through very early (childhood) experiences. I'm sure it can be changed a little as you first start to really explore your sexual nature, but I reckon once it gets set at that point, it's not gonna shift much. My early explorations were always based on equality and hedonism, power play didn't come into it for me until much later. Whereas if power play was there from her early explorations, I can see how it would remain engrained.

And then, even if you end up with someone whose sexual proclivities match your own for a time (which is an absolute blessing - I've experienced about a 10% success rate with this over ~20 sexual relationships), I believe that it never stays that way for long. Eventually the proclivities and tastes of one partner drift away from those of the other.

That being the case, it's best for both people involved if you can start the journey together with as close a match as possible in that department. Sex aint the be all and end all but it's fucking important. That way you have a better chance of physically bonding more powerfully at the beginning, and thus having greater momentum and resilience down the line when things start to change, as they always do.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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