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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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1.7 gram dry trip report. Intention to work through emotional stuff.
#23751469 - 10/19/16 09:27 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Took 1.7 g dry on Sunday. Started out alone in my apartment. Was very lonely and scared. I have a lot of anxiety lately. I have had PTSD for a long time from childhood abuse. I'm worried about my survival really. I don't like work, my girlfriend, all my friends seem to be dickbags or complete failures. I feel like a failure most of the time, so this is a bad start for me. Many people probably would suggest against me taking anything or doing it alone. I'm still looking for an adequate sitter and haven't found one yet. Anyways, that's how it started Sunday.
So I laid down and tried to chill out. I think I started squirming around. Mushrooms usually make me want to stretch out, which is actually kind of hard for me. I'm extremely depressed and I believe that when I start stretching it opens me up feeling-wise. I would go back and forth between fetal and stretching. Eventually I think I started crying a lot and then some shaking, then some screaming. This is sort of how it goes for me. I try to put myself on the floor. I get extremely lonely and cry a lot and it just plain hurts. I pounded on the floor and shook and cried and screamed some more. I kept trying to get up and felt extremely disoriented and then would have to sit down. Being incapacitated is a trigger for me so I got worse and cried more. There were definite waves of it. I would stop and want to jerk off or something and I just couldn't do it, so I sort of dissociated and laid there. I wanted it to be over like 40 minutes in. This all went on for a few hours. During that time, I thought I was the main character's piece of shit friend in the movie "enter the void." Don't know if anyone's familiar with who his character was, but that movie scared the fuck out of me. Anything seeming out of control scared me. I think the way I think and feel about things is there has to be a purpose or goal to life, but when I trip, those thoughts seem terrifying to me and I feel like I will never be successful at anything because I can't seem to ever "get myself together." Sat in a cold bath in my clothes for a little while. Got a call from a friend wanting me to go out to a bar, and I was very short and guarded with him on the phone. I sounded fake on the phone and nothing like whatever my real self is. I ask if he has some klonopin, although I know that's a bitch move and that I will get through the trip in a matter of time. We're done talking. I get myself in a cubby like spot behind my couch and stretch some more and cry. I try talking to something. I start screaming at GOD or maybe my dead father and scream over and over again that "I'm alone". I cry extremely hard and that's the only time I really saw visuals. I saw a giant sunshine in my mind with eyes and it was looking right at me. It was more scary than entertaining for me.
Girlfriend calls. Calling her that to myself makes me physically sick. I feel pigeonholed. Nothing my mind is saying resonates well with me. I can't stress that enough. For some time all I hear myself saying in my mind is that I'm in my thirties, time to have a child, my life is over, this is how it goes, this is the life cycle of any organism and it's time to procreate, get old, and die. I think about age and death and I feel helpless. Anyways, she asks me some questions about if I have a food processor of hers. In my mind, she is just lonely, and that weighs on me because I am too, but I don't think we are each other's way out of these feelings at all. I agree to go over there. it's been about four or five hours. Music in the car is okay. I dissociate a lot an am trying not to think about anything, which is really my problem and why I hate my life. I try not to be conscious, which turns into a job I hate or a place I stay where I don't even like being. I get there, ask where the whiskey is, pour a couple of shots and go outside. The backyard is beautiful. There's a pond and the temperature is nice. There are dogs. I sip the whiskey and it feels warm inside of my body. I don't drink much. I feel the tension in me and I start crying. I think about my family and how much I miss them. I stopped talking to them all over five years ago because they wouldn't acknowledge my abuse. I had to cut ties, but I still don't understand a lot of things, or how fucked up people can be. My brother didn't do anything wrong. Anyways, that was just a catalyst. I started crying extremely heavy and it just became involuntary and I was heaving and pretty much howling into the night. I wanted it to stop but kept telling myself it was okay, and it just kept coming and coming and I got louder and louder. eventually this girl, well call her F, came out and asked what I was doing and I gave her the thumbs up and tried to wave her away. She said I was being too loud and it was getting on her nerves. THIS IS WHY I HATE THIS FUCKING BITCH SOOO MUCH. I have no idea why we are even together. When someone is crying, let them cry. I didn't want to get angry at her because I was in a position to release some grief. I didn't want to fuck it up with defensiveness or get kicked out of such a beautiful place. Obviously, I have a lot to work on if I'm hanging out with people that don't trip or don't understand to maybe give someone some space if they are howling in tears on your back porch. In my mind, it was a terrible thing. "you mean I can't cry anywhere?" I was like this is why I am depressed and wake up wanting to kill myself most days! I'm not getting this out, or I'm not letting myself. There was so much to cry about. I was just crying about it all.
Drank the rest of the night and called a friend and talked through what I experienced. Told F nothing.
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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: 1.7 gram dry trip report. Intention to work through emotional stuff. [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23751575 - 10/19/16 10:14 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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and to add, is it true that too much tripping can "wear your soul thin?" someone told me this last night, as if I have been tripping too much or I can lose touch with things if say I'm microdosing or doing it every weekend? just a thought. Also a thought, it's been extremely hard to be around people that I'm normally around after this trip. It's also hard to take orders at work or not buck authority. I work around a lot of ignorant people that don't ask any questions and I feel like a robot. Becoming more conscious more painful?
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TheMadHatter420
Trusted Farmer

Registered: 10/12/16
Posts: 12,941
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Re: 1.7 gram dry trip report. Intention to work through emotional stuff. [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23751897 - 10/19/16 12:28 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Always set the mood. In my exp being around people who are not tripping messes it up. I'm a big guy, 235 so I usually take 3 to 4 grams. Also I like to really trip, but anyways. Set the mood. I use good mellow music. The one a lot of ppl go to is pink floyd, but I like anything mellow. Also some Xmas lights make it good to. Tripping with someone else chill makes it more fun. Try to take them on better days, mental wise. I have used them to deal with some deep issues but to be fun you have to choose a good day. Just always remember to create an environment that will make you feel safe and comfortable. There is nothing worse than hitting a "peak" while tripping balls and have an uninvited friend randomly knock on the door. That will mess you up.
-------------------- JOIN THE POW WOW
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alfonseelrick
Mycopath


Registered: 09/09/15
Posts: 606
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Re: 1.7 gram dry trip report. Intention to work through emotional stuff. [Re: TheMadHatter420]
#23752464 - 10/19/16 04:25 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Get a trip sitter go into nature concentrate on the beauty of life many things are forced on us to make us unable to realize the true magic of this life be thankful you've made it this far don't concentrate on the negative past concentrate on how the choices of today will help not just you but those around reconnect with those you miss your not alone in what you feel about this monetary monopoly but you have a choice once you fully break thru your choices become clear also microdosing is not fully effective unless you have a heroic doses but this all just my opinion. You have made it this far don't give up regain your true power that was never lost!! Only misplaced go into nature and have it teach you truths you've always known in a way. Be thankful even for the bad i know it sounds wrong but that has made you who you are try to understand that if theres something you dont like about yourself you have a choice to change it theres always a way especially with intention. Isolation can be helpful in this state but not in your room i feel that grounding yourself in nature will allow you to view things in a different perspective the perspective that allows you to make true decisions in life. again this is just opinion based nothing more try qi gong breathing unless a small portion of that power within do it right and you will feel changes.
-------------------- Im just a fictional character everything stated by me is purely fictional and simply lies, those who like me are liars who where bribed or blackmailed in some way Muahahaha
Edited by alfonseelrick (10/19/16 04:36 PM)
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lonelypsychonaut
Stranger

Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 810
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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Re: 1.7 gram dry trip report. Intention to work through emotional stuff. [Re: alfonseelrick]
#23752617 - 10/19/16 05:12 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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You don't seem at all mentally healthy enough to be taking psychedelics.
Back a few years ago when I was experimenting with mushrooms (doses similar to yours, about 1.5 to 2.5 grams each time) I was going through a lot of anxiety and doubt in my life. Now that I've grown up a lot more and I've experienced more life, I think I finally realized that one's mental health is EXTREMELY important when experimenting with psychedelics. When you take a psychedelic, you're supposed to be really relaxed mentally and you should be ready and accepting of anything that does/can happen. You need to let go. I've never been able to "let go" and I've barely even been taking drugs that I used to find fun anymore because I know with my mental state I can't enjoy the experience properly, I worry way too much.
From reading your trip report, a lot of the thoughts you were having seemed very dark and depressing. I think you really should stay away from psychedelics, and probably all drugs, until you figure yourself out. It sounds like you need to do some serious work with coming to terms with your past. If I was you, I would forget about drugs right now and REALLY focus on getting a better outlook on life. If you don't like your job, find a new one. If you don't like your girlfriend, break it off and find a new one (when you're ready, you can't love someone else until you love yourself), if you don't like your friends, stop being friends with them and try to find new ones. People think having friends and a partner and a job will all make you happy, but it could very well do the complete opposite. People and situations in your life are obviously making you unhappy, so you can either do nothing and be miserable for the rest of your life, or you can take matters into your own hands and change your life for the better. You have a whole community here at the Shroomery to help you and you can make new friends here!
As for drug advice, what the others have said is decent advice. I wouldn't advise a heroic dose with your mental state, you'd most likely have a terrifying trip. Having a trip sitter is good, especially a sober one who is NOT judgemental. A trip sitter will keep you grounded if you start going crazy, they will be there for you to keep you calm. Also, set and setting is key. Make sure you're in a comfortable environment with people you feel comfortable with, and make sure you're in a good place mentally, not just before the trip, but in general. If you're having a good day, but your life in general is shitty and is falling apart, the drugs will most likely turn on you.
So like I said, figure life out and yourself out first before you continue using psychedelics. A positive and relaxed mentality is key to having good trips.
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