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Anonymous #1

My perception of love was shattered recently..
    #23750396 - 10/18/16 09:32 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I have been dating a girl for about 18 months now.  We are steady, we get along, we fight, ups and downs, pretty normal.  I feel pretty content with my lot in life until I spend a weekend at a festival. 

We fought a lot the first two days, she wasnt vibing with the people and as such didnt do much outside of camp.  I got frustrated and went to go meditate alone on a hill for some stress relief, and that was when she sat down next to me.

Beautiful, Bright, Kind, Interesting... She embodied everything I ever wanted in a significant other, I couldn't deny it.  We spent almost the whole day together, we dosed together, we jammed out together, I had one of the most intimate moments with anyone ever during an extended staring contest.. it was one of the most amazing days of my life.. and my significant other took no part in it at all. 

Nothing sexual or infidelitous happened, she gave me her phone number and told me to call her if I ever needed a stranger to talk to.. but I cant shake this feeling of guilt.  The guilt that I had to abandon my girlfriend to have a good time, the guilt that a complete stranger can make me feel stronger than I have for my girlfriend in a very long time, the guilt that I was happy. 

That was about a month ago, now I wake up after two hours of sleep and cant fall back asleep, sometimes I dont sleep at all.  Her eyes, voice, and scent all haunt me.  I feel so empty right now, and my gf never really did anything wrong.. I feel completely lost.  Do I forget about the girl I met and settle with what I have; for both the good and the bad? Do I break up with the girl I have spent 18 months with just because my perception of love has been completely flipped upside down?

Edited by Anonymous (10/18/16 09:34 PM)

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InvisibleFruitOfLife
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Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23750524 - 10/18/16 10:09 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Do you love your girlfriend? Do you have similar hobbies? Do you laugh and have fun together? Judging from the limited info in the OP I would say no, no, and no

So you fight, yeah thats normal, but when you say you are "content" then thats a red flag.

I'm guessing you like festivals? So the first day you fought a lot and she obviously wasn't having a good time and stayed at camp most the time, red flag.

Then you spend the day with a girl who had "everything you ever wanted in a significant other" with it ending with what you say is one of the most amazing days of your life. Since that wasn't spent with your current girlfriend, I would say that's another red flag.

I know you say your girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong, and you may be right. But from the sounds of it, I don't think you'll ever be truly happy with her and being truly happy is something everyone should have. You should be with someone who you WANT to be with and who you can go through life TOGETHER. If she doesn't have the same interests and you two fight a lot then what's the point of continuing the relationship?

You obviously want to find someone like the girl you met at the festival. Even if it isn't that same girl you know what you want in a woman. Beautiful, bright, kind, interesting... But you should really consider your future. Do you want to go through life with someone you're "content" with, or do you want to find someone who knocks your socks off and makes you truly happy?

Again, I can only judge based on the limited info in the OP, but this is just what I think.


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Anonymous #1

Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: FruitOfLife]
    #23750592 - 10/18/16 10:28 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

There are times when we have fun together, when we share hobbies, but there are also times that we drive each other crazy.  I consider it love, but sometimes I find myself wanting more.

That was the first festival I had ever gone to, if you separated the experience from my current dilemma I would say that it was absolutely amazing.  My gf was the one that basically forced me to go, good call on her part for sure.

I know all of these red flags are present.. but I just want things to work.. I dont want to leave her.. but at the same time I cant keep moving in the direction we are going.  I could list pros and cons for hours and I feel like I am going to be lessened as a person no matter which way I go

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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 3
    #23751545 - 10/19/16 10:04 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

That was about a month ago, now I wake up after two hours of sleep and cant fall back asleep, sometimes I dont sleep at all.  Her eyes, voice, and scent all haunt me.  I feel so empty right now, and my gf never really did anything wrong.. I feel completely lost.  Do I forget about the girl I met and settle with what I have; for both the good and the bad? Do I break up with the girl I have spent 18 months with just because my perception of love has been completely flipped upside down?





You are obviously young...from someone who has been around ...You need to explore this new girl. Rarely do we find our perfect mate or soulmate on the first time, and we, all to often, settle for what we think is the best we can do. You would be doing both yourself and your current girlfriend a disservice if you don't explore this. You may unwillingly  be holding your present gf back from finding her perfect other because your mind and heart is not all the way on her.

This is one of my biggest regrets ....not following my heart but settling for what I thought was best.

Anyway, just my :2cents:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein

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Invisiblesudly
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Posts: 11,069
Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23752287 - 10/19/16 03:08 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

You probably don't love the other girl and are merely infatuated with desire.

Whatever you do just be honest to your gf and don't cheat because you know it will likely fuck up your life/relationship.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: sudly]
    #23752304 - 10/19/16 03:16 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

sudly said:
You probably don't love the other girl and are merely infatuated with desire.



I think so:

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Her eyes, voice, and scent all haunt me.



None the less, Thayendanegea hits the nail on the head here, IMO.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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InvisibleSoloTrip
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23752327 - 10/19/16 03:23 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

It is the grass is greener on the other side dilemma. Watch the movie Take this Waltz with Michelle Williams addresses this sort of thing. This video is hot but sort of a spoiler as well.


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Edited by SoloTrip (10/19/16 03:29 PM)

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Offlinenuds
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23754329 - 10/20/16 09:31 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Sometimes what we think love is, is really just a fleeting glimpse of it from the corner of our eye. Chase what your heart wants, not your head.

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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23756988 - 10/21/16 04:56 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Interesting problem

It seems I've always made the wrong choice between potential partners

So, not giving any advice

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OfflinelillFish
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23757090 - 10/21/16 06:17 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

My advice :

  If someone else is genuinely making you feel something you have never felt before, you need to at least see if there is something to it. Only you know this in your gut. Listen to it.

I did... And my perception of what I thought love was got completely blown to hell by someone. I never ever thought I could feel the way I feel for any human before I met him. It almost seems unreal because it is so far removed from anything I've ever felt before. I really feel as if I have won the love lottery. I ask myself "How many other people get to love and be loved like this?"

As soon as things got real, I could not stop where my heart was heading and I ended my then current relationship. I couldn't continue living that lie. Good luck to you !


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My Wish & Trade list

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: lillFish]
    #23757125 - 10/21/16 06:40 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

lillFish said:
I did... And my perception of what I thought love was got completely blown to hell by someone. I never ever thought I could feel the way I feel for any human before I met him. It almost seems unreal because it is so far removed from anything I've ever felt before. I really feel as if I have won the love lottery. I ask myself "How many other people get to love and be loved like this?"



Well said. You sum up my feelings on the matter exactly - it's been the greatest learning experience of my life.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23757273 - 10/21/16 08:14 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:

lillFish said:
I did... And my perception of what I thought love was got completely blown to hell by someone. I never ever thought I could feel the way I feel for any human before I met him. It almost seems unreal because it is so far removed from anything I've ever felt before. I really feel as if I have won the love lottery. I ask myself "How many other people get to love and be loved like this?"



Well said. You sum up my feelings on the matter exactly - it's been the greatest learning experience of my life.



:awethumb:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein

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OfflineDTCharlieB
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #23757751 - 10/21/16 11:28 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Are you happy?  Most people who been in relationships for a long time lose some of the magic of when they first met.  It can become stale and tedious.  A new girl might give you thay feeling of head over heels in love again but chances are that will fade also in time.  You may even find yourself looking back and realizing the relationship you had with your current girlfriend was better and had more too it then you have with a new relationship.

It's a tough call man.  And a big factor is age.  When your young you can switch partners and keep that new exciting feeling going.  But when you reach a certain age partners become less available and settling may be the best option.  You may find yourself feeling the exact feelings you have now with any other girl you choose to date in the future.  And that's a really good possibility.  But.  You could also find a girl that you are crazy about even after being together for 20 years.  It's a gamble.

I will say this.  It is hard to find a partner who is 100 percent loyal to you and will do anything for you, put you first no matter what after you have been in a long relationship.  Personally I will look past the faults and little things of my partner if she truly loves me and is dedicated to me.  Alot of people don't realize that the magic will eventually run out for alot of people.  That's just how people are made.  If she's loyal she should be willing to change things up a bit to make the relationship work if you sit down and express your concerns to her.

It's a tough call man.  And there really is no good answer anyone can give you.  You know better then anyone else and ultimately it's you and your significant others decision.  Good luck.


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I like lasagna.


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OfflineThey
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: DTCharlieB]
    #23768807 - 10/25/16 01:25 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

OP dude, I am usually the character that plays that new girl, that hypnotized the hell out of you. I actively and do that, and have studied at length the art of doing that, and why our soul compels us to do it :smile:

Here's a few things to consider, this is how I map the world and my life:

- Your girl has a certain level of connection with you. SHe could have shown up next to you when meditating. The fact she didn't shows the quality of connection she maintains with you.

- THis other girl, if you spend more time with her, it should be obvious that she brings MORE of you out than your current girl. Your paths aligned, she demonstrated ability to magnetize and hypnotize you more and better than current girl. I do this all the time. I expect that a smart girl that REALLY clicks with me will leave her current man that is less compatible with her than I am (probably also weaker, electrically, hence the weaker magnetism) and come with me for the ride of her life. Most don't. Most go back and wonder (like you do) what could have been. Some start or increase the amount of smoking and drinking they do, trying to repress the awesome memory of us, to forget.

- Here's the main thing. Which of these girls would make a better mom? Who's healthier, more patient, more deep, emotionally connected, happy?

Fuck the 18 months. No bearing in it. Look at Gala and Dali. Gala had a kid with some other dude when she met Dali. The guy magnetized her, they hooked up, lived happily ever after.

Play the magnetics from the <3 not the logic and rules from the head, or you will be unhappy.

IF this new girl has stronger connection to you than your old one and you chicken out, settle for the status quo, you WILL feel it. Chances are if you can't sleep thinking about her, she can't sleep thinking about you. Now I'm amazed that she just gave you a number and respected some vague moral rules about the fact that you believe you have a girlfriend. I don't think that matters. If you had a girlfriend you wouldn't be out there alone, that open to her. Your subconscious wouldn't bring you two together to share that experience.

The way I see it, any girl I look at, married or not, is either happy with the guy she's with, or that guy has a weak magnetic connection, with a lot of holes in it. If there's enough holes for me to step in and play, I will step in and play. Zero guilt over this, if the husband / boyfriend took care of the relationship better, had more love and less resentment in that place, there would be no place for me to step in.

YOu have been shown what's possible, relationship and connection wise. My advice to you (for a large variety of reasons) is to go with this. Follow it. Explore it. Or pussy out and try to go back to 18 months, but what happened there is that she's alreay no longer number one. You;ve seen that her maximum connection is less than this girl's maximum, and soooo you'd be kinda settling for number 2, when you can have number 1 :wink:

If you want a more technical answer, the future belongs not to the logical from-the-head connections, but to the raw sheer spontaneous connection from the heart. We will ALL eventually learn to ride synchronicity like this, trust it, trust the feel of it, that if something feels so right it is the place to go to. I've been doing this for years and it is AWESOME :laugh:

Your idea of love wasn't shattered, maybe your idea of girlfriend was. Love and real connection you've had plenty, but it's not coming from just one person, as the Christian marriage monogamy ideal would have you believe it should be. The universe is testing you, what do you think with, inertia and your head, or spontaneity, feeling and the heart?

I've tried the head for a long time, and it sucked. In your place I'd call new girl in no time flat, rather than long for her and suffer. As soon as I started flowing with the heart, things go way way better, emotionally and as life experience, adventure :smile:

Have fun with this dude, two girls to choose from, really first world problems here :lol:

Oh and out of the box thinking here: Your current girl, 18 months girl, does she like girls at all? Have you explored at all her lesbian tendencies, interest in other girls, openness to more guests at the table? I mean there's ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to rigidly assume you have to have just one girl or the other. Could be that both these girls might play nicely with both you and each other, you'd be surprised how many guys don't even entertain this possibility, and yet how many girls actually long for it :smile:

Just don't lie to anybody, express your feelings as they are and trust that these two awesome females will see you through :heart:

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InvisibleJean-guy Masta
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: They]
    #23769943 - 10/25/16 12:49 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)



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Anonymous #1

Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #23771681 - 10/25/16 10:18 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Thayendanegea said:
You would be doing both yourself and your current girlfriend a disservice if you don't explore this. You may unwillingly  be holding your present gf back from finding her perfect other because your mind and heart is not all the way on her.





This really resonated with me.  I dont want to hurt my gf, but i feel like im not giving the relationship my 100% anymore and thats ultimately going to hurt her more in the long run.

Quote:

They said:Your idea of love wasn't shattered, maybe your idea of girlfriend was. Love and real connection you've had plenty, but it's not coming from just one person, as the Christian marriage monogamy ideal would have you believe it should be.




Yeah you pretty much got me pegged on that one.

So much great advice here..  I think im ultimately going to go my own way until i find someone that blows me away like she did, or I decide I am ready to drop everything and move halfway across the country.  Thanks a lot for all of the different perspectives

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: My perception of love was shattered recently.. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23771712 - 10/25/16 10:27 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I think you'd be wise to explore based on what you've said about your feelings for your current partner. Bear in mind, you are doing her a favour by setting her free, as Thay said. Plus you can go nuts and explore yourself and the spectrum of relationships, and thus come to understand all humanity better.

My all time favourite saying in this life is 'you have to know what you're not, before you can know what you are'.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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