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The first time I took lsd I got a euphoric feeling, but I was disappointed that I didn?t learn anything. I got really depressed for a few weeks after too. Yesterday I tried 2 doses, and I?m still reeling from everything I?ve felt. I just sat there analyzing systems, I saw how everything in the universe works in cohesion, and is somehow perfect (perfect meaning it can?t be any other way). I saw how every philosophical argument has no answer, the dialogue goes on and on until infinity. The horrendous events were still horrendous of course, but they were still important to defining some sort of painting/machine-like whole.
I felt what it was like to hold no identity, and I analyzed everything I use to construct an image of myself- which was all dependent on what seemed like the most pointless inconsequential attributes of this world- and the systems in this world I had identified earlier. This feeling of nothing, as I term it, allowed me to see that all I am is whatever I?m experiencing and nothing more, and that I really have no individual identity- but it was that feeling of not being anything or anyone that allowed me to see this.
This idea of a great painting, or a machine that we cannot possibly understand- the best way I can describe it is feeling like a cog, but that doesn?t have a negative connotation- I believe I was only able to feel because I had been stripped of any identity and momentarily stepped outside of my most basic role in the machine defined by tangible identity systems. Stepping outside of the machine, I could finally understand (without understanding why it exists) what is the intricate whole.
I felt like I found my spirit, not necessarily in a metaphysical/divine sense, but in that I was alone with my true nature, which is so much greater than I let myself acknowledge in my daily life- so much purer, happier, gentler and confident. I was brought to tears by the cynicism and stifling of my true, happy, observant and gentle self. I sat strumming two chords over and over again saying ?I understand, I understand.?
For some reason, I felt saner than I?ve ever felt in normal life. I wasn?t hallucinating like crazy- though if I wanted to go down those tunnels I could of. I wasn?t too silly either. For a few hours of experience and hours and hours of thinking after, I finally learned to embrace my most basic goodness which I constantly, cynically deny, and surrender to the fact that I can only marvel at the perfection of the workings of this huge machine-like system- defining it seems neither possible nor very important.
Very nicely written! You have, of course, received ONE vision/version of 'how-it-all-is,' to use Ram Dass's expression. Your's seems very Buddhist in essence, very detached from our embeddedness in the phenomenological-existential matrix - the experience of oneself as 'The Witness.' It is also an experience akin to the medieavl German mystic Meister Eckhart. Take some time to assimilate this vision, and be advised that there are other experiences which represent the other 'Buddha Wisdoms' or 'Buddha Energies,' that are represented symbolically by the different 'meditating Buddhas' in the Vajrayana: Vairocana - The Wisdom of Universal Law; Ratnasambhava - The Wisdom of Equality; Amitaba - The Wisdom of Discriminating Vision [possibly your own experience]; Askobhya - The Wisdom of the Great Mirror [ again, possibly your experience]; Amoghasiddhi - The All-Accomplishing Wisdom.
These are personifications, symbolic gestures, that represent the Quintessential Reality - but from very specific perspectives. The experience of Avolokitsvara - who is dedicated to the mantric experience of Om Mani Padma Hum, is the experience of Infinite Compasion, and incorporates these other Buddha Wisdoms (or Energies, or Visions), and the experience of which can serve as a stepping stone to one's 'karmic' path - the religion of one's birth. Avalokitsvara took me to Christ, for example, and is THE aspect of Reality that is most central and most comprehensive - Compassion. Bodhi Svaha! [Hail the Goer!]