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Anonymous #1

Vaginal pain
    #23745892 - 10/17/16 02:53 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Fiance was raped a few years ago so sexuality has been hard in general but we're working on it. Problem is sometimes it hurts her even when I'm just fingering her. And I'm not being particularly rough about it. If I just touch her in the wrong spot it's painful. She's struggling to communicate to me how exactly to do it. My ex would only have pain after having sex three times in a day. So it strikes me as odd my current SO is so overly sensitive. I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with this. Is it maybe just a consequence of the trauma? I tried reading around and some said it could be bacterial as well. Im sure every woman has a different sensitivity but this seems quite extreme at times so I'm curious what might cause this and ideas on how to approach it. She said it's like a burning pain. Almost like she's been rubbed raw, but again I'm being extra gentle.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23746154 - 10/17/16 03:57 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Possibly a bacterial problem, there are at home tests she can use.

But it is completely possible that it's a lingering injury from being raped. And since it doesn't seem to be a constant thing I'd sooner say it's that and not an infection. Have you tried lube?


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Offlinetarlin
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23746279 - 10/17/16 04:29 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Correct me if I am way off base here but I, from the way I read your post, am also gathering she may not be ready for intercourse or penetration yet. Certainly look into the bacterial concerns. Also feel your woman out emotionally. Is she investing her thoughts of penetration in the concept of giving you what your desiring or is it a mutual commitment.

Rape is an incredibly damaging a traumatizing experience. Even after the body heals, the mind can remember the pains and trauma from the event and manifest it into true physical discomfort or pain.

Start slow. Intimate encounters do not require penetration. If you are truly invested in her than you may have to pull back and redirect. Create a safe atmosphere. Massage her gently and then tell her that she is attractive, sexy, desirable. Do not press her for physical pleasure work on healing her mind. Sit naked with her and discuss your days events and happenings, do so while looking at her eyes not just her body. Hold her without pressing in to penetrate or making her feel pressured. Let her sit naked in front of you and brush her hair while you just talk with her.

Make love to her mind. Find out what intrigues her beyond just the physical and touch her there. When the mind feels safe then and only then, take a very SLOW approach to the physical. At the first sign of discomfort or concern do not recoil from her but ease back to a point that was comfortable for her.

If you love her than you can wait until she is ready.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Vaginal pain [Re: tarlin]
    #23746412 - 10/17/16 05:01 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Cookie crumbs, have tried lube. It helps sometimes. Last time we didn't have it with us and I think she's also frustrated at the fact of feeling like she needs it. She certainly CAN get wet enough but with the trauma it's sometimes hard to get into that emotional space before sex because she can't let her barriers down enough to feel the full connection

Tarpon, good advice but I'm not sure it's super relevant to this scenario. In fact she's sort of weird in the sense that she is much more comfortable having sex with me and touching me than being touched herself. So kind of going along with what I said to cookie crumbs, the inconvenience of needing sex to be aroused emotionally but needing arousal to have sex physically. I always try to make it strictly mutual in terms of desire. We have actually had a lot of discussions about how I don't like her constantly asking what I want without her projecting her own desires and while she's shy about it and scared they're certainly there under all those layers of trauma. She will hardly sit naked with me too. She'll get naked to fool around but she will say she doesn't like the feeling of the air on her parts and cloth herself immediately after except in rare cases.

There is definitely trauma work to be done no question. I still can't help but feel there's something more to the vaginal pain though. It's not like she's tensing up. It's like I can stick my fingers deep down and she's enjoying it but if I rub her clit softly it hurts. Or so I gather. She pushes me out before I get a chance to even figure out what I'm doing wrong but it always seems to be specific spots. Like I can even be rough on parts and then others I can barely touch. Which I think is part of why she's more okay with penetration. It only seems to hurt going in and not once I'm in.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23748245 - 10/18/16 08:44 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

That's why I said lingering injury and not trauma. I didn't want you to get confused. I'm sure the emotional issues interfere too but she wouldn't react that way if it didn't hurt. Alot of men seriously overestimate the amount of abuse a vagina can take. Yes it can push out babies, but the body is designed for it and everything in the process of labor is prepping and making the whole thing possible with very little injury.

The opposite is true in the case of rape. The body fights it more than the woman in some cases and that can cause alot of damage. Especially considering how violent the attack itself may be.


If you want a long term happy sex life with her you are going to have to be patient and understanding (and I know from your posts you are trying.) let her go at her own pace and don't push her for sex. If she says she's not in the mood drop it. It is a very bad idea to push a rape victim into sex they didn't want. It will ultimately make all of her problems alot worse. Not that I'd expect you to do so but I'm throwing it out there cuz I've seen alot of guys make that mistake and only get more upset when their partner is even less willing to have sex with them. Which often in turn makes them even less willing.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Vaginal pain [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23748553 - 10/18/16 10:45 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I'm not pushing her for sex. We've had intercourse twice the past two years. There is definitely a mutual interest to rekindle and better this aspect of our relationship. Most of the time she offers to give me a handjob and says she doesn't want to be touched then halfway through she's asking to get on my dick then we're having conversations about how she wants it more but there are a million psychological obstacles to get around regarding initiation. I'm very familiar with that aspect. It's the pain that concerns me. When we have a moment she wants to be touched I have to make the most of it, make her comfortable, and try and help her enjoy it, gauging by her reaction what she likes and doesn't. But she's a freakin minefield down there. You might be right about the damage though it was 6-7 years ago and she never mentioned damage or seems to connect it to any pathology. She acts like it's normal and it may be but my experience in the past makes me question it. She acts like I'm touching a raw wound sometimes. She also has heavy periods and cramping and yeast infections. So I guess that's why I'm concerned about something physical. And if so addressing that would really help use those intimate moments more productively.


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Offlinetarlin
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23749164 - 10/18/16 02:45 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Has she been to an obstetrician and had a full exam down? There is likely some scar tissue that has developed that can cause major tenderness in various and specific regions. Scar tissue often cannot be felt as it can develop on the retrospective side of the vaginal wall. This tightens the internal lining of the mucosa in the vagina and creates tenderness in areas.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Vaginal pain [Re: tarlin]
    #23749236 - 10/18/16 03:11 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Scar tissue from the trauma? Interesting, never thought of that. She needs to see someone in that area regardless simply because of the other issues, but understandably she's not too enthused about the idea of a thorough exam :lol: Good question though. I'll bring up the bacterial thing and the scar tissue thing and make the suggestion to get checked out again. Maybe she'll be more interested if it can help her out.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23749418 - 10/18/16 04:17 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

She will likely appreciate your attempted understanding if you present it in the right way. It is worth it to get checked out because there is a variety of issues that can cause those symptoms together including cysts and endometriosis. Yeast infections I hear can be caused by an improper ph balance in the vagina. The vagina should be slightly acidic to discourage bacteria growth. That is a test she could do at home.

I experienced an injury down there myself in my early 20s in a reckless experiment. :facepalm: I cannot have enjoyable sex the way I used to and communicating that can be difficult so I feel your lady's pain a bit more than I wished to. I have to keep things clean down there and I cannot have sex or touch myself without immediately having a shower or I will develop an infection (usually manifested as a UTI) so you may want to keep that in mind when you discuss how sex can be more comfortable for her.


I also thought about how she could ease herself into intimacy. You said she likes giving you hand jobs, suggest she use a vibrator or finger herself as she gets you off. If shes aroused enough and comfortable enough after some mild physical stimulation at the control of her own hand penetration will hurt much less.

I respect you personally for being patient and understanding with your lady. Alot of dudes would be frustrated enough to pull out their own hair in such a situation. I've frustrated alot of ladies myself. But I can almost promise that when you two figure out how to make it work it will be some of the most magical sex you have ever had. Patience is well rewarded.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Vaginal pain [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23751542 - 10/19/16 10:03 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I don't have a choice lol. She's my other half. Frustrating for sure though. Those are all really good insights. We haven't talked about it in a while but i kind of get the general impression that she doesn't masturbate much. Perhaps getting more familiar with herself will help her both communicate her needs and determine what's pathological (if anything) and what's psychological. Sorry to hear of your injury :frown: I appreciate your response though :mushroom2:


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OfflineMurzelpfrumpft
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23754674 - 10/20/16 12:00 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:

I experienced an injury down there myself in my early 20s in a reckless experiment. :facepalm: .




The only two means I can think of, to inflict such damage are

a) heavy machinery
b) drugs

Or both.
Do you mind sharing?

Don't mind, I've damaged my own body to the point of it pretty much dominating large parts of my life.
I'm just curious, non-sexually, but fuck-up-wise, so to say.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Vaginal pain [Re: Murzelpfrumpft]
    #23754707 - 10/20/16 12:10 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Well I mean I've fucked up plenty of other parts of my body with drugs and other stupidity. And my left eye doesn't dilate properly from smashing my face into a pole. :ohwell: don't think I've ever been hurt by heavy machinery.


Nah said injury did not happen because of drugs or heavy machinery :lol: just a wild young lesbian experimenting with other wild young lesbians and trying to do things the human body was not designed to do. Which is how I've experienced most of my general injuries...

That's all I'll say. ...And I will also add that water is often the opposite of lubricant for some reason.


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