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Anonymous #1

How to resist self destructive urges?
    #23734522 - 10/13/16 03:31 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I used to be a huge binge drinker (always on my own), self harmer, and be very promiscuous (never safe sex) because I have borderline personality disorder. I was doing good from June after a crazy useful acid trip but I'm slowly running out of reasons to not go back to fucked up behaviour. I'm not suicidal but I don't particularly want to live, I'm very apathetic either way.

I already binge drank this month after months without a drop of alcohol and I'm not even regretful just a bit scared.

I need reasons to not destroy myself and I need to be able to care about whether I live or die.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23736780 - 10/14/16 11:01 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:I'm not suicidal but I don't particularly want to live, I'm very apathetic either way.




Until you fix this you will never stop selfdestructing. You have reasons to live, you just don't want to be aware of them, because it's easier not to. It's easier to sink than to swim. You do have reason to swim. But if you keep telling yourself you have more reason to sink you're going to keep sinking.


We all have to play games in our own minds man. Whether we have disorders or not. You haven't learned how to play yours yet is all.

I will suggest looking into spirituality and constructive hobbies, particularly anything in the arts, music, handiwork categories. You know what they say about idle hands.


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Anonymous #1

Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23739611 - 10/15/16 09:53 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:I'm not suicidal but I don't particularly want to live, I'm very apathetic either way.




Until you fix this you will never stop selfdestructing. You have reasons to live, you just don't want to be aware of them, because it's easier not to. It's easier to sink than to swim. You do have reason to swim. But if you keep telling yourself you have more reason to sink you're going to keep sinking.


We all have to play games in our own minds man. Whether we have disorders or not. You haven't learned how to play yours yet is all.

I will suggest looking into spirituality and constructive hobbies, particularly anything in the arts, music, handiwork categories. You know what they say about idle hands.



Helped a lot, I'll bear in mind the bit about reasons to not sink.


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OfflineRosen_Rot
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23751057 - 10/19/16 03:10 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Any suggestions to think more positively?

I am kind of the same with BPD as well and have a habit of always sabotaging myself for no real reason. My background ain't particularly pretty, violent and angry. I have constructive hobbies, I grow mushrooms and go archery. I also attend school and try to focus on my thesis even though everytime I do there is a voice at the back of my head belittling me and calling me stupid. I'm also spiritual but not very active in my ''practice'' either


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Rosen_Rot] * 1
    #23751362 - 10/19/16 08:31 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

BPD is tough because you tend to be your own worst enemy.  Put the bottle down, for one.  Start treating yourself as sacred and your body and mind will respond.

My go to for BPD related ilk is meditation.  Practicing mindfulness, not attaching to emotions but rather observing like a watchman at the gate.  Treating thoughts like clouds passing in an ever changing sky.

If that fails, practice gratitude and give back.  One of the best things I've done was volunteer for big bro/big sis, as well as participate in receiving calls from a suicide hotline.

It is vital to create a life worth living, and if you catch yourself amidst a binge, snap out of it by recognizing where you are.

When I used to struggle with cravings one thing that was always guaranteed effective was filling a large bowl of ice and dunking your face in for 30 secs.  It actually works and will shock your body into dropping an urge like it's hot.


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To mingle with the Universe, and feel
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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Rosen_Rot]
    #23752241 - 10/19/16 02:53 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Rosen_Rot said:
Any suggestions to think more positively?

I am kind of the same with BPD as well and have a habit of always sabotaging myself for no real reason. My background ain't particularly pretty, violent and angry. I have constructive hobbies, I grow mushrooms and go archery. I also attend school and try to focus on my thesis even though everytime I do there is a voice at the back of my head belittling me and calling me stupid. I'm also spiritual but not very active in my ''practice'' either




I am with you guys in the borderline boat. And it fucking sucks. I've gone through long periods of repression followed by explosive destruction. It is a constant effort to maintain a balance between the 2.

I'd worked with a very intelligent therapist on and off for over a decade now and he tells me not to fight with the toughts. Sometimes the best way to combat your enemy is to just let it slip away. Thoughts are only thoughts, they hold no sway on you unless you allow them to. I know it can be crazy hard when those thoughts are relentless screams. But they too pass if you focus on what you need to.

Active appreciate has done alot for me. Don't focus on the things you do badly but the things you do well. Look at shortcomings not as failures but as an opportunity to improve, another window to grow out of, another seed to grow from. Let yourself enjoy what you enjoy. Anything as small as a warm sunny day, a cozy pair of socks, to as big as accomplishments and rewards. You do deserve them as much as anyone deserves happiness. There is no reason for you to berate yourself. All you are doing is holding yourself back from growing. If you focus on these negative voices you will become what they say you already are. They are wrong. They are just silly voices. They do not hold the power. YOU do.


Being said I had to drop out of school for similar issues and focus on work instead. Environment is crucial to maintaining your mindset. Don't ever sit in a place that digs into your negative set. My largest problems by far in keeping stability is having a safe and comfortable environment. It's hard to upturn the inside when the outside is all on a down slide. If you are in a bad neighborhood or a bad job or whatever then get out ASAP. Otherwise stay strong and remember that all things are temporary.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleBodhi of Ankou
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23752542 - 10/19/16 04:50 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Its bigger then not doing it, theres some sort of trauma(s) or unresolved conflict(s) in your past and the self destructive behaviour is just an expression of it. It might even be something you're not consciously aware of. The mind operates in strange ways, and theres probably a number of things that have happened to you or have not happened that have lead to you holding onto a warped world view. Whatever it is, it is never just an addiction, or something that slowly went out of control. Theres more then likely a very serious deficit of meaningful relationships or career choices that are also compounding it. Point being its a big problem, and you need to talk to a therapist to sort yourself out, dont be embarrassed. Nobodies ever walked out of a therapy session worse off then when they went in.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Bodhi of Ankou]
    #23752575 - 10/19/16 05:00 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

birdeatingspider said:
BPD is tough because you tend to be your own worst enemy.  Put the bottle down, for one.  Start treating yourself as sacred and your body and mind will respond.

My go to for BPD related ilk is meditation.  Practicing mindfulness, not attaching to emotions but rather observing like a watchman at the gate.  Treating thoughts like clouds passing in an ever changing sky.

If that fails, practice gratitude and give back.  One of the best things I've done was volunteer for big bro/big sis, as well as participate in receiving calls from a suicide hotline.

It is vital to create a life worth living, and if you catch yourself amidst a binge, snap out of it by recognizing where you are.

When I used to struggle with cravings one thing that was always guaranteed effective was filling a large bowl of ice and dunking your face in for 30 secs.  It actually works and will shock your body into dropping an urge like it's hot.




Missed this post earlier. Good advice :thumbup:


Quote:

Bodhi of Ankou said:
Its bigger then not doing it, theres some sort of trauma(s) or unresolved conflict(s) in your past and the self destructive behaviour is just an expression of it. It might even be something you're not consciously aware of. The mind operates in strange ways, and theres probably a number of things that have happened to you or have not happened that have lead to you holding onto a warped world view. Whatever it is, it is never just an addiction, or something that slowly went out of control. Theres more then likely a very serious deficit of meaningful relationships or career choices that are also compounding it. Point being its a big problem, and you need to talk to a therapist to sort yourself out, dont be embarrassed. Nobodies ever walked out of a therapy session worse off then when they went in.




I have. But I realized years later it was only because I didn't follow up and speak up. Apparently its right common for people with BPD to initially not do well with therapy. For that reason or for manipulation and treating therapy sessions the way they are not intended to be used. Also a good point and good advice.

I'd like to add that it is good to find the root of your thoughts and be aware of it. But be careful not to get stuck there - which is why a therapist is advised. They're like your tripsitter as you explore through your mind. Their job is to guide you to get the most positive experience possible.
If you go to therapy commit to it. If you plan on digging out your mind and understanding yourself and trying to better yourself you must commit to it. Don't let your focus waver. Stay the course even if you don't like it. Even if you don't want to. You can't begin to mend a wound if you don't know where it is. And it's hard to mend a wound if you have no idea how to, you can often poke or prod it and make it worse. Follow up. Don't leave that job half done, no matter what you do.


Best of luck to you :hug: and to anyone else struggling in this manner.


--------------------
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InvisibleBodhi of Ankou
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23752654 - 10/19/16 05:25 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

A big failure point for therapy is not finding the right one. Your not typically gonna click with the first one you run into, op needs find someone who works with them. It took me a few shots before I got someone who was on my level. A lot of people doubt the validity of meditation too, but the main techniques the therapist is going to employ on you are all mimicking the mechanism of mediation. Sitting there and calmly asserting dominion over your thoughts rewires your brain. You'll have space to think before you react, and can more easily brush away negative thought patterns, and with enough practice that ability becomes absolute. Its a visible physical change in your brain too, that can be detected with imagining techniques. So dont doubt its power, its a very useful tool.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Bodhi of Ankou]
    #23753245 - 10/19/16 08:59 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Oh for sure. That's why I've stuck with the same therapist for so long. He's constantly telling me to meditate and do breathing exercises (which is one of the more common tools.) I don't feel he gets me on an emotional level sometimes but intellectually I couldn't imagine someone better to talk to. I'd been doing meditation techniques years before I actually sought out meditation. He told me we all have thousands of stay unnecessary thoughts all day long. Meditation quiets all of them.
My problem again is that I suck with following through but even with the practice I've had It's gone a long way in helping my perception of life.


It helps a ton if you do it right. It's another thing that is best done with a guide as you're learning.


--------------------
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Anonymous #1

Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Bodhi of Ankou]
    #23755680 - 10/20/16 06:14 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Bodhi of Ankou said:Nobodies ever walked out of a therapy session worse off then when they went in.



I beg to differ, therapy has been letting me down and making me rage since I was twelve. Nobody knows what the fuck to do with me, they always seem to be using me as a case study or misunderstanding me. Recently my psychosexual therapist tried to tell me I was psychotic even though I'm actually dissociative. An error as simple as that is unforgiveable incompetence so I've walked out and not going back.


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InvisibleBodhi of Ankou
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23755712 - 10/20/16 06:31 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

The mentally ill usually disagree, so thats not a surprise.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23755719 - 10/20/16 06:34 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Bodhi is right. You have to find the right therapist. There are ones that just listen to you. There are ones that try to manipulate you. There are ones that try to press one agenda or another on you. There are ones that can't remotely understand your mental state. IME most of them are quacks. Just like most general doctors. But it is so worth it to find a good one. The one I have now has helped me understand how to deal with myself more than anyone I have ever met and anything I have ever read. Does he piss me off sometimes? Yes. Does he make false assumptions sometimes? Yes. But he knows so much about how the mind works from a psychological and physical level that it blows my mind. He's also helped me with my physical problems more than any general practitioner I have ever seen.


He's an adolescent therapist that primarily helps kids with ADD/ADHD and drug issues. I met him because my older brother got alot out of him after he got bounced around from quack to quack. I saw one when I was about 9 years old. And all I remember is her giving me advice on how to handle anxiety that didn't really help. So when my parents found out I was cutting myself they took me to talk to him. And consulted with him about whether to ship me off to the psych ward. I still thank the man for telling them not to.

For a little while I was getting health services through the county and the 2 I saw there were meh. I saw one more after getting back on health insurance and she made me waaaay uncomfortable. Her energy was just not... right...


Anyway. Talk to people in your area. Read reviews. There's a decent shrink out there for you. Just gotta dig a bit. Also helps to know what you want from a shrink too. It's good to keep in mind that you are doing it for yourself and the goal is to take away whatever little bit you can from it, while getting shit off your chest. You don't need to agree with them about everything. Or anything really. I debate with my therapist all the time. While fully aware that he is usually right in his line of reasoning. While also being aware that my line of reasoning is often flawed :lol: it's fun really.

But I'm weird.


--------------------
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Anonymous #1

Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Bodhi of Ankou]
    #23755720 - 10/20/16 06:34 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Bodhi of Ankou said:
The mentally ill usually disagree, so thats not a surprise.



I have no hallucinations or weird beliefs, I've been psychotic before and it was way too scary for me to forget quickly. I do have a lot of issues but psychosis currently isn't one of them and needlessly opening a door to forcible medication and inpatient holding isn't what I need right now.


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InvisibleBodhi of Ankou
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23757256 - 10/21/16 08:02 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

do you see how flagrantly you reacted to that simple suggestion though? and it sounds like you've been seeing this particular therapist for a while.  Are you diagnosed with bipolar disorder?


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23757618 - 10/21/16 10:35 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Bodhi of Ankou said:
The mentally ill usually disagree, so thats not a surprise.



I have no hallucinations or weird beliefs, I've been psychotic before and it was way too scary for me to forget quickly. I do have a lot of issues but psychosis currently isn't one of them and needlessly opening a door to forcible medication and inpatient holding isn't what I need right now.




You aren't talking to a therapist if they're pill pushing. That's not their job. Its one thing if they recommend a psychiatrist for you, it's another to recommend drugs. Their job is to talk. They're supposed to leave those other. Things to a psychiatrist. There are therapists that work with psychiatrists and if you don't want drugs then those are the ones to avoid.


The biggest problem I have ever had with therapy is being terrified that they'd see me as a basket case and send me to the nut house. But, legally, in my state, they can't do that. Or force me to take medication. Read up on your state laws if that is seriously what's keeping you from getting anything out of therapy. If your state's like mine they can't make you do anything unless you're trying to jump out a broken window and slash your arteries with the glass.


If you're still worried about it or don't understand what you read there are quite a few lawfirms you can consult with for free. It helps alot when embracing and bettering yourself to know exactly where the line is. Chances are you aren't half as close to it as you think.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: Bodhi of Ankou]
    #23757726 - 10/21/16 11:19 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Bodhi of Ankou said:
Its bigger then not doing it, theres some sort of trauma(s) or unresolved conflict(s) in your past and the self destructive behaviour is just an expression of it. It might even be something you're not consciously aware of. The mind operates in strange ways, and theres probably a number of things that have happened to you or have not happened that have lead to you holding onto a warped world view. Whatever it is, it is never just an addiction, or something that slowly went out of control. Theres more then likely a very serious deficit of meaningful relationships or career choices that are also compounding it. Point being its a big problem, and you need to talk to a therapist to sort yourself out, dont be embarrassed. Nobodies ever walked out of a therapy session worse off then when they went in.




Great post!  Excellent points and very well said.

It takes a particular type of therapist to get to the root our neurosis and self-hatred.

Psychoanalysis can cut straight to the issues that create turmoil. It takes balls to look inward.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #23758116 - 10/21/16 01:40 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

You don't necessarily NEED a therapist. But the last time I went digging thru my mind I got lost in all the muck and if it weren't for other people I actually felt comfortable talking to I wouldn't have even realized I was experiencing psychosis. I got through it with alot of outside help and learning to quiet my mind again. It helped to refocus it onto certain things.

You need someone to talk to. I think that's exactly why human beings are such social creatures. We learn about ourselves and become self aware by being with others.

I've babbled and ranted alot in the last few years, to stangers even, and it has helped me so much. I dunno how to explain it.


--------------------
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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23759382 - 10/21/16 10:02 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I agree that human connection heals many wounds.

Nobody needs a therapist, but if they're confused as to what's causing their emotional turmoil, it's helpful.

It helps to know what fuels our emotional disturbances.


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OfflineThey
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #23763144 - 10/23/16 03:23 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

I'm very apathetic either way.



Good. Enjoy the apathy :smile:

When you get bored of it you'll think of something fresh :wink:

Quote:

I already binge drank this month after months without a drop of alcohol and I'm not even regretful just a bit scared.



Scared of what? Develop and clarify this more, clarity helps :smile:

Quote:

I need reasons to not destroy myself and I need to be able to care about whether I live or die.




No you don't. You really truly don't need such reasons, certainly not from other people :smile:

Do it. Drink, binge, explore, if that's what you really want what good is it to stop you? We'd just do months and years of back and forth drama, and you'd still do what you feel like doing.

The very title of the thread makes no sense. How to resist what fascinates you. IN NO WAY. YOu express those urges, get them out of your system, see where they lead, then when you've had enough you'll do something else :smile:

Or realize now that it's a shitty idea to begin with, and decide to explore others. Design some kind of future you can live with, that you WANT to be involved in, don't just express this avoidance and fear-based approach. Don't like drinking? Fine, what DO you like?

I'd ask if you smoke cigs (my hunch is yes) and explain how that connects to your current thinking, buuuut something tells me you're not interested. So that being said, resist nothing, if on a clear sober head you plan to do this stuff, do it, try to be safe and get back to us once you've had a few more drunken binges.

Oh and this "I used to drink because I have borderline pd" - is shallow reasoning. WHY do you think you have that? Mom was a bitch. Was beaten up in high school. There are real actual events behind that simple label. Whatever it is, FOLLOW the rabbit and you will see it doesn't add up with the drinking, it's not a solution, just a head-in-the-sand. YOu decide to be head-in-the-sand now, because you don't like the past, and yet you keep looking at the past and don't like it, and so need to head in sand. But this is a PRESENT choice, now, today, to live with attention in the past.

You drink now, because that is the smartest thing you've come up with, as a way to deal with what your current focus gives you. Face it, own it, then when you want you can find other ways that are much more fun to live through. Those simple diagnostics are cop-outs at best. Push that analysis further, see what's behind the surface labels, and more importantly see the future you actively WANT to be a part of.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: They]
    #23765484 - 10/23/16 10:03 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

They said:

FOLLOW the rabbit and you will see it doesn't add up with the drinking, it's not a solution, just a head-in-the-sand.




Yes, the urge to get loaded is rooted in not being willing to face some aspect of our experience.

Before the trip to the liquor store, there's a desire to escape from some part of ourselves.

BTW, notice the violent nature of the words we use when we numb out . . .

bombed
loaded
plastered
wasted
obliterated
bent
stoned
blitzed
decimated
zonked
destroyed
hammered
wrecked
ruined
trashed


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Invisiblelittleton
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Re: How to resist self destructive urges? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #23765662 - 10/23/16 11:35 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I am here with you bud.
I hope you feel better and find yourself.
<3's you
~bunny


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