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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though.
    #23712827 - 10/06/16 11:04 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Hey everyone. I have been micro-dosing for about three or four months now. At first, I had nothing to lose, so I started taking about .2 every other day and I've cried a lot, experienced a lot of screaming and crying and raging and coughing and even puking on some occasions. I still feel terrible. I hear a lot of voices. They're not externally audible. I think they've been with me since childhood, where my sexual and emotional abuse happened. Voices that lie or say you have to do this or you can't do that. Is it the ego? or is it a construct I made because it's too hard to be my real self and in REAL emotional pain? Anyway, I've become extremely depressed. I still run on the voices, but I notice that I feel and identify that I am completely void behind my eyes. I feel dissociated all of the time. It's been hard to even leave my apartment, and memories have been coming up or are they memories... rather, my story of my life is changing and it's becoming more and more depressing. Maybe that's how it happened and I'm just fooling myself. I started back on the psychedelic ventures this January because I couldn't take my life anymore, so I did some LSD with some buddies and I cried and raged and it didn't feel good, but it was a release. I'm tired of placing a value on everything. I don't feel or think that anything I do or have done has value. I feel completely discarded by myself and life. I don't have a family to go to anymore because they disowned me when I brought up the abuse and that caused me more repressed anger and rage.

I want to believe that I'm finding a better way to deal with life, but that's just saying it. Doing it with psychedelics has been extremely painful and I have no idea if I'm even doing myself a service. I don't text people anymore and I'm pretty much all judgment. A friend of mine took in some friends of hers and I was talking to them and listening to what they were saying. They are into meth and heroin. I want to play the therapist, then I want to judge and blame and call them bad, then I want to be their friends. None of those are choices that I want to make so I just sit and listen, while I hold myself and all of my tension inside and I can hear my thoughts saying that there is really no hope for anyone, my dreams were never real and those are going to dissolve too. I drive down roads I've been down a hundred times and I fear the past and what it brings up. I see myself helpless and homeless and suffering with no friends. so much to give and yet it's all bottled up with fear pushing away every opportunity. My legs want to buckle and I dread the beginning of every day. I don't want my life to be like this. I want to enjoy it, but I don't. I was raped as a kid, betrayed by my own blood, and don't know if I can honestly learn to have some sort of relationship with myself, whatever that means.

Maybe I'm just venting. I realize I have to make sense of this myself, but fear I can't and I was just born to be bored and dissociated and traumatized my whole life. I've read so much about how people become unstuck, but I realized that I have no idea if it's even possible. People say it is, but they could be bullshitting for their own benefit or for validation from others. idfk.


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Offlineweirdguy32
OTD shitstain
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Registered: 01/25/15
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23712868 - 10/06/16 11:23 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

you can vent here friend. Please try and stay strong. are you currently seeing a psychiatrist. I can relate to the "born to be bored and dissociated"


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
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Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33] * 1
    #23712928 - 10/06/16 11:44 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Definitely Stop the all the use, that shit will do u no good.

U gotta get back on the saddle my friend, psychedelics tend to put one on manuel drive where it is u who has to put it on first and second gear, and so on. just gotta give urself sometime to heal, it is perfectly normal that u are feeling these things after abusing psychedelics so much, even the tiniest of doses can have a drastic effect if abused.. That's just one thing u have to deal with of course, then u got the other stuff, but the other stuff can wait maybe until ur mind is in better shape.. Think not of what u can do tomorrow, but what u can do right now..


--------------------
https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: zZZz]
    #23713410 - 10/06/16 02:42 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I am taking breaks longer than a couple of days sometimes. And I wouldn't really call less than three grams a month abuse. The reason I started this campaign was because I'm suicidally depressed. Crying was better than what I was doing to myself. I've avoided remembering my childhood my disownment... many things I saved my emotional reaction to. I just don't have a lot of experience knowing myself because of what I've been through. And I can't justify anything I'm doing to get better because no one knows what to do for ptsd. I'm trying to get back with a therapist. see. I've grown tired of telling them my story and then enlightening me with their method or their beliefs about shit.


Edited by thesupersoap33 (10/06/16 02:46 PM)


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Invisiblelittlespider
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Registered: 05/21/14
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Loc: UK
Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23713437 - 10/06/16 02:50 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Id just like to follow this thread please
Big:
:hug:


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remember what the dormouse said


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: littlespider]
    #23719406 - 10/08/16 12:52 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

But yes... I can't deny that psychedelics are impossibly difficult in a system that's repressing nearly everything. It literally feels like a living he'll. And I don't mean to abuse anything.


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Registered: 12/18/14
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23721564 - 10/09/16 09:37 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Just to reiterate what has been said- seeking professional council might be helpful, as exhausting as it can be to start over with a new clinician.  For myself I find that reaching out to a fine community such as this can pacify my own upset, but it doesn't expedite getting better, and support here can't replace that of qualified professionals.

If it were me, I'd cease any and all substances until youve had time to fully heal.  Despite budding research, you've suffered trauma and the last thing your brain needs is to be pitched into unfamiliar, uncomfortable terrain.. wait to let psyches assist in healing once you are mentally stable.  Time is your greatest asset.. practice meditation to reset your brain so to speak, build mastery and learn the effective coping mechanisms that will help regulate your emotions and rewire thought process. 

Reminding you to be kind to yourself.  What happened is the furthest from your fault- so don't beat yourself up any more than rush healing.  Nothing ingested will serve as anything more suitable to do the hard work than your brain's natural magic.
You need to process what happened, its not the time to get spun.

Hope you feel better.. there's a fav saying of mine 'what you resist will persist.'


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #23724291 - 10/10/16 05:39 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks for the reply and thanks other poster for letting me know it's cool to vent. I'm using psyches as therapeutic tools and I believe what you're saying about clinicians being good. I was in therapy for four years attempting to heal and process. The lack of progress was enough to make me physically sick to think about. Cognitive therapy is pretty much useless in my case. I doses yesterday having two days off knowing I was going to get deep. Ended up calling the suicide hotline and was actually surprised. I was super tense and holding in a lot of rage but the guy just knew what to say and what to ask and I ended up crying really hard with him on the phone. Talking about my childhood and the overwhelming bulkshit in my present life. He helped make it clear that I was trapped as a child and couldn't actually do much besides block things out. That's when I really let go and started kicking and screaming and bawling. It felt really okay. I would like to have Simone that supportive around when I do larger doses to maybe get it all to the surface and really let it out. My friends aren't emotionally available people and I'm not emotionally too available to them either as it turns out. It's the boat I'm in and sobt want to be in anymore. I really need a trip sitter or a therapist that knows I need some compassion and to just let myself feel some difficult stuff. My feelings are very negative which I believe is why I don't share them but they are entirely justified based on hurtful experiences I've had.


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OfflineChakra Shock
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Registered: 02/22/13
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33] * 1
    #23724610 - 10/10/16 09:42 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

The voices, the ideas of hopelessness, the fear: they're just thoughts. Nothing more. You don't have to heed them if it feels too bad. I know this is easier said than done, but trust me I have a lot of experience with letting go of negative thoughts so I know it can be done even when it feels like it's impossible.

Every time you feel your mind going into that dark place, even if it's there right now, just gently remind yourself to pay attention to your breathing ( just because breathing is neutral good and always present ). And no matter what's going on in your head, just say "that's just thinking, those are just thoughts, what's goin on with my breath?" and return to it.

This will simply give you the concentration and mental space you need to actually deal with your emotions. On a level plane of mind one may build new structures of self to weather the passing days.

I have never been sexually abused, but my Dad, Mom and a few of my friends have been, so I've seen how it can be extremely challenging just to get up in the morning and go through your day when you've got all of that on your chest. But the observation I've made is that there comes a point where the past doesn't matter anymore, all you have is the present moment and your current feelings, and they are your feelings. You have complete power in this present moment, because the truth of the matter is that your experience is now an internal one. No one can take that away from you, and you just have to give yourself the time and space to heal as you are gentle with yourself. Hope this helps in some way. :sun:


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23733359 - 10/13/16 07:57 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I'll try to remember this... thanks.


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Offlinemctaveesh
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Registered: 04/01/16
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23737305 - 10/14/16 02:21 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

You have PTSD?

Not trying to recommend further illegal drug-use. But you're already taking Psychedelics.

Have you ever tried MDMA?


--------------------

LogicaL Chaos said:
"humans are like cubes, lots of strains but cubes a cube. Not much difference really."


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: mctaveesh]
    #23739336 - 10/15/16 07:23 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Yes but never in a therapeutic setting unfortunately. All psychedelics are very uncomfortable for me esp Molly. I never seem to feel safe enough on them to explore myself. Most of the time I just curl in a ball and try to block out even more. I'm currently searching for better support. I think that's what I may need at least. I also trigger around people when I'm tripping. I get sick because there's a dependency on them for me and in that state of extreme vulnerability I find myself fighting with the urge to escape the environment as well. I wish I could trip with just anyone.


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Offlinemctaveesh
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Registered: 04/01/16
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Re: PTSD is getting way bad after microdosing. Still staying the path though. [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23745491 - 10/17/16 12:41 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Yeah. I definitely can't trip with just anyone...

On MDMA I've found it really useful to be able to talk to somebody else. Even if they aren't on MDMA themselves. But only with someone who is close to me and understands. So I guess you need somebody like that who can listen and sympathize.


--------------------

LogicaL Chaos said:
"humans are like cubes, lots of strains but cubes a cube. Not much difference really."


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