hi.
i feel like my sexualisation was not exactly normal compared to my peers.. tho idk i know people go through all kinds of stuff, like ultra religious upbringings or being homosexual and so on so what is exactly normal?.. i dont think i've had it so bad, but my story is mine..
things often came easy to me as a kid and i didnt have any problems socially.. so when sexuality came it really stuck out and knocked me hard confidence wise.
at first i was disinterested in flirting when the others all started. this and also being extremely close to my best friend led to my peers somehow suspecting i was gay and i was ostracised from the group (as well as from my best friend who abandoned me)..
if anything this minor trauma was the beginning of my feelings of alienation from both sexes around sexualisation. it didnt help that i was a late developer. while others gleefully discussed masturbation i thought there was something terribly wrong with me. like there was some terrible secret i had to hide and was always on the brink of spilling out into the world for all to see. i avoided any talk related to sex as well as any interaction with the opposite sex.
things only got worse. i seemed to make up for my deficiency through ostentatious acts of daredevilish masculinity being the trouble maker and clown which eventually lead to my expulsion from school.
i moved to an all boys school where i withdrew even more... superficially i fitted in great, noone suspected a thing, being good at sport and many kids liked me, but internally i was a mess.
i grew anxious around socialising and at parties i would get so drunk i would count myself out. at school i would grit my teeth and smile at jokes i didnt understand.
a moment etched into my tragic/hilarious history came at the graduation formal where i had noone to invite of course, and so i resolved to give myself salmonella by leaving a chicken outside for 3 weeks and eating it raw (maggots and all) .. it didnt work btw, i still had to go and was lucky a friend found a girl who was willing to go with me the night before 
it all was quite unhealthy. after school i grew reclusive and wasnt able to form close connections with people of either sex. i didnt like socialising and was incredibly shy and passive. at least my dick worked by then though.. although i masturbated to pretty weird shit!
i did have some casual drunken sex encounters which were all very Bad in their own way because i was so anxious around them. i never enjoyed it but at least over time i grew to feel a bit more comfortable with it.
fast forward 10 years and well, ive matured in ways, ive had some good friends who are women, and am comfortable with myself not being in a relationship.. but some bad self destructive/defeating tendencies do seem to persist and i am still very shy, passive and mildly antisocial..
ive still never really been in a 'proper' relationship. ive drunkenly slept with some guys and girls but ive never had someone ive been 'going out' with. the closest thing ive had is a girl from overseas who came travelling here and we occasionally speak and meet up to travel together.
i was with a girl earlier this year but it just kind of fizzled out. i didnt make any strong moves, like i didnt know what was expected of me.. and she eventually told me she still had feelings for her ex.. which i was ok about because i never expressed much interest in her besides wanting to hang out.. maybe i was too protective of myself?
but given my history just feeling comfortable enough to have sex with someone who i know irl seems like a personal achievement..
the thing is i dont really want to be in a relationship. i feel a stong pull to isolate myself which might allow me to work through some of my own shit.. i feel weak and i dont want to bring anyone else into this mess and i dont want to need anyone else.. imo relationships depend a lot on leaving your baggage at the door and i am not quite ready to do that or want to
recently i slept with someone who i liked intensely for a long time, who is a much more complete and intelligent and outgoing than me and operating on a higher plane. i really wanted to connect altho i knew nothing could come of it, she has a bf (but is poly).. and i know we could never be in a relationship and idk if i would even want to.. but nonetheless, i felt hurt when we just clicked back into our normal lives like nothing had happened. i felt really disappointed really, like i had been looked at and considered as i am, and then placed back on the shelf..
another different girl who i like a lot has shown interest in me. but i feel it's going the same way as the interaction that fizzled out. my response seems tepid, passive, non expressive. i am not interested enough. i find it hard to express any desire and am hugely insecure about being rejected in any way.. i feel like i want to confide myself in someone but also maybe it's kind of self serving bs i need to get over?
i feel confused about this atm and am unclear as i have ever been about what i want. i feel there is a lot of maturity needed to make one's desires and position clear to someone else, something i am thus far incapable of doing
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