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trekie
Metal man


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 11,085
Loc: Larger cities
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A year ago today... 5
#23679377 - 09/26/16 10:26 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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It was a year ago today, that my life started falling apart. Today is the one year anniversary of my uncles suicide. He was more like a father figure than my uncle. Before he did it he went to my wedding (which failed in part because of his choice to end it) . Last thing he said to me was have a nice life. I didn't know it was the last time I would see him. I had to be strong for my family. I needed people to lean on and was told I was to much to handle and was abandoned. I slowly lost more of myself and pushed everyone away. I ended up going to the hospital when I got out my wife had moved out . I had no one.
I'm still angry at him. Had it not happened , I would likely be happily married. That's all I ever wanted but with everything that happened my bi polar got the best of me. I don't think I'll ever find happiness again. I've lost what I've wanted most because of my mental health and my actions. If I do ever get into a relationship again. I can't promise I won't lose it again. I don't want to feel like this anymore but I promised my family I wouldn't go out like my uncle . A promise that I don't know if I can keep. How can you move on with something like this?
TLDR life sucks. My uncles suicide ruined my mental state and marriage. When you need people the most they will ditch you.
-------------------- I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
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ReposadoXochipilli
Here, there, inbetween



Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 7,501
Loc: Sand and sunshine
Last seen: 19 days, 23 hours
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23679393 - 09/26/16 10:31 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sorry about the rough year trekie.
Just have to persevere until things get better, try and make conscious choices that are positive in nature.
Most importantly try and take it easy on yourself, you had a very traumatic loss coupled with a massive destructure of your life. That is enough to make anyone depressed and long for tangible change.
Good things take time, keep your head up and try to appreciate the things you can throughout the day.
--------------------
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 20,917
Loc: .
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie] 7
#23679396 - 09/26/16 10:33 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Man if she really loved and cared about you she would've stuck through thick or thin. Of course I don't know the details on your mental break down, but when the person who agreed to love you forever and always departs at a time when you needed her the most, she probably wasn't going to help in the long run.
I am sorry you lost your uncle. Losing your father figure in life is an absolute blow to the psyche, couple that with suicide and you have every right to drop to your knees and punch the ground and tell god to fuck off. I really think some peoples pain is so severe mentally it disguises itself so well no one else can tell, and it causes you to forget how much pain can be caused if you take drastic measures like suicide. We have to work through grief on our own terms, learn from it, grow from it, and then help others through it as our skin thickens.
I don't know exactly what I'm getting at aside from I feel your pain, I wish I could extend something of a solution to your pain, but know that if someone truly loves you they will let you figure yourself and stand beside you, and attempt til the bitter end to fix it. I don't think someone who runs when the going gets tough is mentally strong themselves and they are scared.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: vandago]
#23679822 - 09/26/16 12:58 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
vandago said: I don't think someone who runs when the going gets tough is mentally strong themselves and they are scared.
This has been my experience.
G/L trekie. I'm about 13 months from my life falling apart too. I'm mostly in a pretty good spot these days but sometimes you get a memory pop up that drags you right back to the pain.
As you've found, all you've really got is you at the end of the day. The key now, IMO, is working on forging the best relationship you can have with you.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 20,917
Loc: .
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Today is just not a good day in the least bit.
One of my closest friends IRL was almost all the way to the golden gate bridge to off himself. He called me yesterday from the end of CO almost in Utah for no reason at all I talked to him for a long time......now he's back to nebraska but he doesn't sound good. I talked to him for about a half hour just a bit ago....
The second I got off the phone I brushed my teeth and flossed, and one of my teeth broke in half.
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zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23680442 - 09/26/16 04:50 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Keep up on trucking Trekie, stay up brother.
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 20,917
Loc: .
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: zZZz]
#23680486 - 09/26/16 05:07 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
zZZz said: Keep up on trucking Trekie, stay up brother. 
This for sure.
If I sounded insulting with my post, I reread it and it seems a little condescending towards your ex as if there wasn't love at one time. I apologize if it comes across as that, I wasn't meaning for it to sound like that. What I mean is there will be someone who doesn't care where you are or how you are feeling and will still look at you the same, there will be another person who will be there for you, and I mean that in both aspects you mentioned......father figure....and lover.....Your uncle can never be replaced, but you will always find guidance if you are patient and look in the right places, and the same goes for love.
Be strong man,
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Jenny_Baker
The Lost Island


Registered: 09/24/16
Posts: 38
Loc: San Francisco, Ca
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: vandago]
#23680498 - 09/26/16 05:09 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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ive lost 3 family members in the past few years...........know that they are in a reality that is alive
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 1 hour, 32 minutes
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i'm not gonna say time heals all, it does but usually decades and even still you need help . I'm also the father figure in my family when my aunt hung herself or when my Brother blew his brains out. Actually around this time was when he did it. Suicide is selfish as fuck. No two ways about it. What I can say is you can still have a good life i promise. I used to think of my brother as a cokehead that just shot himself because he was a pussy and didn't want to get help. Now that's blasphemous idol man but things can get better
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie] 1
#23681823 - 09/27/16 12:11 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I am so sorry Trekie. This is about the time of a one year anniversary of my friend offing himself as well. But I know it is nowhere near losing a father figure.
It's hard to look back and see what could or could not have happened when someone commited suicide. A friend offed himself after he came back from Iraq and I saw it in his eyes he was going to do something but didn't act on it. I regret it all the time. I regret about my other friend as well bc we lived in his basement and knew him over a decade. I feel selfish that when we still lived at his place I would get angry at him after he passed.
I hate suicide but understand people when they do it.
Don't go blaming his death for your marriage either. I agree with Van that if she was strong enough to stay that it would have been meant to be. I always say that 'love is never the problem' and that circumstances affect whether people stay together and how much you can handle together. I feel like you two must have had love before but she could not handle it when she should have tried to be strong for you. The other things I hear you say is she probably blames you for alot of your relationship with her but she is a bitch for doing so. You didn't need that when you went thru this. You needed a partner. But I understand the stress his death had caused to your mentality, but it was a ripple effect. Everyone who goes out like that sends waves thru people who love them. Not all can take it. But it will get better if you allow it and try to.
Live for you. Not for anyone else. And once you can be happy with yourself something will come along for you. I believe it. Take care of your mental health bc I know full too well that affects EVERYTHING when you don't. Reach out to people who are willing to be there for you. Find people who genuinely care. But do not use them as a crutch. You have to make your own willpower stronger to carry on.
I hope you don't decide to end your life. I can be here for you man as much as I can.
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Mush 4 Brains
about tree fiddy


Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 8,298
Loc: Tacos
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23681926 - 09/27/16 01:08 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
TLDR life sucks. My uncles suicide ruined my mental state and marriage. When you need people the most they will ditch you
Ive never had anyone near and dear to me commit suicide but ive gone through some terrible times of loss and complete hopelessness.
You learn who the people are that really love you, that are your real friends and family. Unfortunately you also learn their limits.
Let me first say that good advice is easy to give and to understand. Following advice even your own, and doing the right things can be difficult.
I dont want to sound insensitive and cold but take it from someone who's been there, you cant count on anyone but yourself. Dont look elsewhere for support, look inside your self. You need to try. We often forget that we actually have to really fucking fight depression and try with everything we got.
If you dont try, no one else will. Again I'm not trying to be insensitive, its just there's no way to sugar coat it. It's something that took me a long time to learn and it was a painful pill to swallow.
Find someone you can talk to. Therapy is something really important as well. And i never used to think that way til life humbled me. I was in the same situation and i was talking to someone about how i cant count on anyone. How no one is ever willing or there to lend any kind of a hand, how its always "what have you done for me lately," how no one cares.
I had a realization. What can i realistically expect out of people? What could i/can i expext out of myself?
Things WILL get better if you try. I heard a quote recently and i dont remember from where exactly, bit the saying stuck with me. "Everything is good in the end, and if its not good than its not the end."
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Turtletotem
Dutch Delight



Registered: 09/02/13
Posts: 3,763
Last seen: 4 years, 11 months
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I wish you all the best, Trekie.
--------------------
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trekie
Metal man


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 11,085
Loc: Larger cities
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Thanks guys.
I have a doctors appointment come monday morning . This weekend im making my mom and aunt hang out with me.
Been working but besides that no social life. Need a dog and hopefully a good therapist. Just way too much time thinking ....
Just my life compared to a year ago........ Whole thing 
I really didnt want to lose my mind. or have a nervous breakdown.
Edited by trekie (09/29/16 09:43 PM)
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trekie
Metal man


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 11,085
Loc: Larger cities
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23756484 - 10/20/16 11:08 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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So I've been going through therapy. My doctors recommend that I don't live alone. In fact they wanted me to possibly do out patient hospital stays. This would be me going to group therapy all day then going home to sleep.
I'm going to try to talk to my family about moving back in with them this weekend. I don't know how they will take it.this would mean breaking my lease and loosing my job. (My job isn't that great don't make much money.) This might be the only way for me to stay safe and alive. I don't want to hurt my family. The doctors said that they would take my side in my court cases ( the eviction if I can and my divorce..) thanks guys for the support. 
I just want to keep people updated and this is the only real place I can vent.
-------------------- I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23756546 - 10/20/16 11:35 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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time doesn't heal all wounds, but it scabs them at the very least. you should do out-patient programs if you feel like you ought to, it can't be all that bad, it'll help you get some perspective, at least, as well.
good luck man.
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Bodhi of Ankou
*alternate opinion blocks path*


Registered: 06/02/09
Posts: 24,778
Loc: Soviet Canukistan
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I think its kind of selfish that you're so mad at him for taking his own life. I doubt he did it to hurt you, and I know he would've taken careful stock of the damage his exit would inevitably cause. Some people simply arnt happy and to them thats the only solution. You should approach this with a little more compassion and stop taking it so personally. I know he was your father figure but you gotta think about it from his perspective as well. People dont decide upon that action for trivial reasons.
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koods
Ribbit



Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 106,066
Loc: Maryland/DC Burbs
Last seen: 45 minutes, 5 seconds
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It's also been a year. Grieving for an extended period becomes pathological, not beneficial.
--------------------
NotSheekle said “if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”
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Turtletotem
Dutch Delight



Registered: 09/02/13
Posts: 3,763
Last seen: 4 years, 11 months
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23756766 - 10/21/16 01:52 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Really sad to hear all this, Trekie 
I hope you can climb out of this pit again. I think you can, if you're willing. It can be hard, but it is possible.
--------------------
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zZZz
jesus


Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: trekie]
#23756776 - 10/21/16 01:58 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I was gonna +1 ur post, but just didn't feel right..
So I'm just gonna say get well soon brother, ur words are heard.
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 1 hour, 32 minutes
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Re: A year ago today... [Re: koods]
#23756819 - 10/21/16 02:32 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
koods said: It's also been a year. Grieving for an extended period becomes pathological, not beneficial.
Until your mom or dad or brother/sister shoots or hangs themselves I feel like you really need to keep things in perspective .It destroyed 8 of my step and half brothers,sisters and cousin. On average it takes about a year for most deaths but I'm certainly not part of that percentage. My family isn't and I'm just starting to grieve over the one year mark with my gma I devoted my life to for 6 years straight . It's still tearing me up and my mom too. My nana was both of our best friend in a way as well and vise versa. I wasn't able to have friends much, except few close friends and a best friend or 2. My nana needed 24/7 care so basically my mom would work a job to support us for about 10 hours and I'd "be on call all night." Which was always 5am. I'm still having trouble adjusting to that part
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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