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LittleDaddy



Registered: 11/20/13
Posts: 1,072
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Looking for advice grounded in compassion
#23677532 - 09/25/16 06:07 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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So, two weeks ago, I met my girlfriend at the club, and she went with her friend and a couple guys. She doesn't dance with other people because we both agreed we don't want to do that. While we were dancing it seemed like she was looking over at the guy that wasn't seeing her friend that came with them. He had expressed interest in her earlier and she turned him down. I told her originally I felt upset because it seemed like she was looking over at him. We talked about it and then we went back to the dance floor and it seemed like that again; she said I was being ridiculous for accusing her and that I should leave if I don't trust her. I apologized and we moved on.
Last night, I felt that again, and I started feeling anxious. I made the assumption she was checking out another guy, but I kept giving her love and attention. Later on when she asked me what was wrong, I said I was having anxiety but that I didn't want to talk about the source because it isn't grounded in reality. Eventually I told her about it, and she got defensive and said she wasn't checking out another guy. I said I know, I was just telling her about my insecurity to connect with her on it and we eventually moved forward. But basically, I know this is an issue that can really affect this relationship. I'm trying not to let these feelings grip me and control me. I'm trying to not let this anxiety from assumptions ruin this relationship, and I tried to bring it up in a way that wasn't attacking her, but I don't feel like that works.
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The hotter the battle, the sweeter Jah victory. Put the heathen's back upon the wall.
Edited by LittleDaddy (09/25/16 06:08 PM)
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 8,272
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: LittleDaddy] 2
#23677615 - 09/25/16 06:42 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Trust your gut. It's good at detecting missing information.
-------------------- No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr
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FruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: automan]
#23677680 - 09/25/16 07:07 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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If she knows her potentially checking out other guys makes you jealous then she will keep doing it to test you. If you catch her doing it just shrug it off and know she is only doing it to see how you react. She wants to know you are confident in yourself and if she sees it doesn't bother you then it will reassure her that you are a strong man. But if you give in and show that it bothers you then she will see weakness and keep doing it.
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LackToast
Stranger
Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 217
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: LittleDaddy] 2
#23678619 - 09/26/16 02:10 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I agree with automan that you should trust your gut.
The fact that you are pretty much walking on eggshells to avoid conflict with your girlfriend means one of two things...
Either A) you're a huge pussy and this chick has no problem whether you stay or go; Because your just a stop gap until she finds a man she respects. Or B) shes emotionally manipulated you into submission and now the power dynamic of the relationship consists of your balls on her nightstand.
In both cases I'd assume that the woman only sees you as a means of resources until she finds something better and she would not have a problem cheating on you in the meantime.
That's not the only red flag I see btw. You mean to tell me that this woman you are dating... you guys had to establish verbally she wouldn't grind other dudes? Exactly how much does one have to go to a club for this to be considered a normal boundary relationship issue? And exactly how much does one have to go out to be considered a club rat? In either case would you really be surprised from an outsiders perspective if i came up to you as a friend and said... "Hey dude my girlfriend goes clubbing al the time with her girlfriend and she seems to know a lot of dudes, should i be worried?" At this point as my friend id hope you respond with the only logical answer there is, which would be "Don't date sluts, dumbass"
But wait, there's more, You apparently have issues with your girlfriend, and when she tells you to get lost you apologize? Why you should you ever be sorry for expressing concerns in a relationship, and why should you apologize when that very same person acts like a child and tells you to get bent? Do you see how you made it seem like you were in the wrong, when you weren't? Don't do that. And then you say that the next night she did it again and you became anxious and showed her more love and affection? So you rewarded her bad behavior. Don't do that. And then again she asked you what was wrong and you fiddled around before telling her you have an issue with her checking out other men but is ok cause its your issue not hers? You sound weak and insecure, your actions make you sound unsure, and you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that will inevitably lead to you getting walked over and cheated on.
You need to leave this woman, and you need to read the book NMMNG and figure out the issue of why you are so accepting of the role of treating yourself and being treated by others like crap.
Anyways hope this helps. Peace
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: LittleDaddy]
#23679259 - 09/26/16 09:50 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Can't trust people, stop caring.
Fuck her while she's around. Pick up drinking when she leaves.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: LackToast]
#23680835 - 09/26/16 06:50 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Bang on LackToast, great post man.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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fIsh in my head
fadedstar


Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 1,150
Loc: 4500 ASL
Last seen: 6 years, 13 days
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23693257 - 09/30/16 07:32 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Jealousy can be a cancer slowly growing to a point where it can spoil your whole relationship, ego and life. You are right to be concerned by what's happening.
Usually jealousy is somewhat related to your self-confidence (or lack of).
Maybe she was flirting, maybe not. But the main question is why does it bother you that much? Fear of being dumped? Fear of being told someone else might be better than you?
I had my fair share of jealous girls and being jealous myself. I'm getting old now and currently in some stable relationship where jealousy could very well be an issue sometimes. I just refuse to let it grow now. Whenever i feel uncomfortable about something, i usually speaks once about it and then let go. I focus on loving, caring, being generous and building the relationship instead of managing fears and mainly doing nothing constructive instead.
Be true to yourself and stick to what you think i good relationship should be. See if she fits in and respect yourself if she doesn't by letting go.
I'm more closer to 40 than 30 now. I had 5 years relationships that should have ended after 6 months. I just didn't know better. Like previous poster just said, being able to express yourself and your true emotions is key to good intimacy. Just be proud of being able to do so and if it's scaring or pissing off your girl well, maybe she's not really that interested in getting close with you.
enjoy life.
Edited by fIsh in my head (09/30/16 07:40 AM)
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fIsh in my head
fadedstar


Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 1,150
Loc: 4500 ASL
Last seen: 6 years, 13 days
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: Repertoire89]
#23693282 - 09/30/16 07:44 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Repertoire89 said: Can't trust people, stop caring.
Fuck her while she's around. Pick up drinking when she leaves.
You must be feeling alone my friend.
I hope you'll be able to recognize the next thrustworthy person that crosses your life. Those kind of thought can keep you blind for a long time.
cheers!
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: fIsh in my head]
#23693295 - 09/30/16 07:53 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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You're on the fast track to cooties
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Mojo
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/07
Posts: 1,676
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: LackToast]
#23693357 - 09/30/16 08:26 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
LackToast said: You apparently have issues with your girlfriend, and when she tells you to get lost you apologize? Why you should you ever be sorry for expressing concerns in a relationship, and why should you apologize when that very same person acts like a child and tells you to get bent? Do you see how you made it seem like you were in the wrong, when you weren't?
He is in the wrong; anyone will eventually get annoyed when their SO constantly gets depressed and emotional about where their eyes happen to be pointed. Granted, maybe his instincts are spot-on, but this is likely all in his head. OP, how many relationships are you going to let your "gut" ruin? I was actually happy to hear that your gf told you to leave if you didn't trust her, that is exactly what I would have told someone if they were treating me the way you are treating your girlfriend. Chicks have to deal with needy jealous guys all the time, so yea, she is probably really frustrated with you and that's why she is being so harsh. And yea LT is right, OP probably is a stop-gap until she finds a man worth respecting, but this is how almost all relationships start-out; it is up to OP to show her that he IS a man worth respecting.
OP, there is no tangible thing that you can do to prevent this girl from cheating on you if that is what she wants to do. Ruining your night-out together because you "think" she is looking at another guy is sure to drive her away over time. And what a ridiculous thing to be upset about!? Is that what you want in a partner? Someone who can't even experience the world through sight? Someone who must look the other way every time an attractive guy walks in the room? I digress, back to my point: cheating is not prevented by being needy and pathetic, it's exacerbated by it; and cheating might not be avoidable at all, it is virtually impossible to know ahead of time. Cheating is something that you react to after the fact, reacting to something before it happens, or to something that is not happening, makes you insane, which is what your gf is going to tell all of her friends about you after the break-up. So im going to go against popular opinion and say fuck your "gut" and stop bringing this shit up to her because it does absolutely nothing positive for the dynamic. If you don't trust her leave her, but if you do trust her, don't punish her for your-own insecurity.
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LittleDaddy



Registered: 11/20/13
Posts: 1,072
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: Mojo]
#23693953 - 09/30/16 12:42 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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I've been approaching this problem with mindfulness. Trying to embrace the inner child that's screaming instead of turning my back on him. Thinking of this as a way she is testing me to feel my center and to know if it is truly there. Trying to realize this isn't a problem and as I feel more secure and confident, it will dissipate.
I agree, I have faults that I notice and work on. On the contrary, I'm not some feeble man. I'm competent. I'm recognizing my problem and reconciling it appropriately with love and compassion.
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The hotter the battle, the sweeter Jah victory. Put the heathen's back upon the wall.
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: LittleDaddy]
#23704185 - 10/03/16 04:19 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
LittleDaddy said: On the contrary, I'm not some feeble man. I'm competent. I'm recognizing my problem and reconciling it appropriately with love and compassion.
Said like a true pussy. "With Love and compassion" is code for "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings." Which is code for pussy.
I actually ride the line between the two sides that have been presented. Getting angry because your partner is checking someone out is ridiculous. You don't just stop being a woman because you're in a relationship, hell I enjoy dating bisexual girls and checking out other girls together. I'm fucking ugly, and if any woman told me she only had eyes for me I would immediately get super suspicious.
I also think that theres a pretty clear lack of good communication here. Its total bullshit that your girlfriend pressed you about why you were upset or quiet or whatever, then when you told her why she got defensive. Your thoughts are your own, if somebody opens that can of worms they get what they deserve. I think crazy paranoid shit all the time, I just ignore it cause I know its not real
Basically she is totally glossing over your emotions, even having emotions but trying to surpress them for her happiness isn't good enough for her apparently.
But just to shit on all that, I wouldn't trust a club rat with a shiny new dime, all of them are super sluts. Especially the men, they're fucking disguisting
Edit: It really is a shame that being compassionate is being a pussy. I don't mean it as a cruel insult. But people are going to fucking take everything from you, they'll strip the clothes off of your back if you let them. Trying to be kind and understanding about every person's faults might make you a better person, but you'll spend your whole life as a fucking bootlicker. If thats what you have to do to sleep at night then so be it. But let me tell you, regardless of if I'm a bastard compared to you or not, I bet more people respect me. And when it comes to women thats all that really matters
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
Edited by bloodsheen (10/03/16 04:24 PM)
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LittleDaddy



Registered: 11/20/13
Posts: 1,072
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: Looking for advice grounded in compassion [Re: bloodsheen]
#23704271 - 10/03/16 04:42 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
bloodsheen said:
Quote:
LittleDaddy said: On the contrary, I'm not some feeble man. I'm competent. I'm recognizing my problem and reconciling it appropriately with love and compassion.
Said like a true pussy. "With Love and compassion" is code for "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings." Which is code for pussy.
Compassion isn't "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings". Compassion in terms of conflict is dealing with it in a way that minimizes the overall pain from conflict. If it involves feelings getting hurt, then it is doing it in a way that reduces that, but that gets the necessary truth across.
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The hotter the battle, the sweeter Jah victory. Put the heathen's back upon the wall.
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