2-5 years ago, I was like a psychedelic warrior. I would take 2-4 hits of acid, blast off, and be perfectly calm the whole time. In fact, it wasn't stimulating enough. I would pregame with a 5 hour energy on top of Dynapep. For those of you who Dynapep was this amphetamine energy shot that was basically speed and was pulled from the shelves because some users were having strokes. On top of this i might go out running and playing sports. I would have dreams of doing 10 strips if I could only find the supply and the money.
Nowadays I have the supply and the money but I'm terrified of doing even one full hit of acid, and I avoid caffeine during trips like the plague. If I take even half of a hit , I have terrible tachycardia, and possibly panic attacks. My heart races anywhere from 110-135bpm for 5 hours straight, which can't be good for me. This often triggers a panic attack, which brings the heart rate even higher, and turns into a feedback loop. It can go all the way to 150 at which point I pop a benzo and call it quits.
This has been like a gradually progressing disease over the past 2 years. It all started with an Ayahuasca ceremony in peru where I almost died and my grounded psyche was shattered. I would then have panic attacks during followup experiments with low doses of ayahuasca. It spread to mushroom trips, and then to high dose acid trips, regular acid trips, and finally low dose acid trips. Last year I could get by with doing 1 or 2 hits of acid, but not this year. This year i have to do subpsychedelic doses basically. I can't even trip. I even have panic attacks in everyday life. I was recently diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia.
However I'm convinced of the possibility that there is more to this than agorophobia. I love tripping and I love visuals but I can be having a good time and check my heart rate and it's high. It's also much higher than it normally is during a panic attack. I think there is also some cardiac element, or imbalance in my body, causing the tachycardia. I need to figure it out and reverse it.
I've tried low-moderate doses of phenibut, which helps, but not enough. I don't smoke weed. I tried a low dose of mdma which made me happier for about 15 minutes until I noticed the heart rate was even higher than before (it's a stimulant). I'm trying CBT and just toughing it out without resorting to medication, but it seems like it's actually harmful. During my last trip, which was just half a hit, I ended up just pacing around a festival for 6 hours cooling off, and the next day I left with severe GI problems that I thought was a heart attack. There were probably other factors involved with that, but this has just left me with a bad taste and I'mconsidering quitting acid altogether, permanently. Or at least until I find a definite solution for the psychological and cardiac problems.
What the hell is going on. Will I ever trip again?
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