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InvisibleMoonshoe
Blue Mantis
 User Gallery

Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
First World Prayers
    #23661419 - 09/20/16 11:29 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Dear God

Today, please watch over and protect me.

Send your angels to guide and help me in all my undertakings .

When I sneeze God, please don't let snot spray all over the front of my T-shirt.

And when I wipe my behind Lord, please don't let any poop stick to the hairs around my bum hole.

And God, please stretch out thy hand and ensure that the cheap iPhone chargers I get at 7-11 stop breaking every few days .

If it please thee lord, don't let me forget to bring my tennis ball to work, I like to use It to massage out the sore spots in my buttocks.

Let me not be tempted by lust God, and banish all demons of carnality from my mind, because it's awkward when I get a huge boner in the checkout line.

By thy mercy Lord, grant me cinnamon toast crunch, that I might have sugary breakfast cereal in abundance.

With hope and faith God, I pray that these last few nugs of weed last until payday.

And please absolve me of my sins God. Forgive me if my sexual fantasies last night swerved slightly from the vanilla heterosexual variety.

Thank you for my blessings God.

Thank you for letting me sleep through the night without having to get up and pee. And My left shoulder feels quite a bit better today, so thanks for that, God.

Also God, please hold off on the whole cataclysmic destruction of all life on Earth thing.

In Jesus name I pray ,

Amen


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Everything I post is fiction.

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InvisibleBurke Dennings
baby merchant

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 81,641
Re: Dear God [Re: Moonshoe] * 6
    #23661425 - 09/20/16 11:31 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

If he doesn't answer these prayers within 4 business days, you'll know that god is exit scamming you.

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OfflineKinko
Stranger
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Registered: 01/07/11
Posts: 3,024
Last seen: 5 months, 30 days
Re: Dear God [Re: Burke Dennings]
    #23661442 - 09/20/16 11:36 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Instead of using the word god use HOPE because that's really all ur doing ... Hoping shit does not hit the fan.

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Invisiblefungusmuncher
rabbit chaser
Male User Gallery


Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 1,068
Re: Dear God [Re: Kinko] * 1
    #23661486 - 09/20/16 11:49 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

God??? You mean our lord and saviour Google Christ?

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Offlinesearching
Male User Gallery


Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 4,128
Last seen: 6 months, 5 days
Re: Dear God [Re: Kinko]
    #23661493 - 09/20/16 11:51 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Kinko said:
Instead of using the word god use HOPE because that's really all ur doing ... Hoping shit does not hit the fan.




I'm sure he will do that the next time he makes these very serious prayer requests to God. Now let us pray... Please sweet  baby Jesus help kinko regain his sense of humor. He means well but he confused this joke with an opportunity to tell everyone how atheist he is.

That was a joke, too kinko. You're cool don't take it too seriously.


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InvisibleMoonshoe
Blue Mantis
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Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
Re: Dear God [Re: Burke Dennings] * 1
    #23661868 - 09/20/16 02:01 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Well my bum hairs came away clean after my morning AND my afternoon poops, and I am massaging my buttocks with a tennis ball as I type this.

So far , God's customer service has been superb, despite his heavy work load.

God probably knows if he didn't answer my prayers I would make a pub post putting him on blast.

He asked me if I wanted him to smite you for good measure but I said don't bother.


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Everything I post is fiction.

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Invisibletyrannicalrex
Strange R
Male User Gallery


Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,331
Loc: subtropics
Re: Dear God [Re: Moonshoe]
    #23662013 - 09/20/16 02:42 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Burke Dennings said:
If he doesn't answer these prayers within 4 business days, you'll know that god is exit scamming you.



LOL
Quote:

Moonshoe said:
Well my bum hairs came away clean after my morning AND my afternoon poops, and I am massaging my buttocks with a tennis ball as I type this.

So far , God's customer service has been superb, despite his heavy work load.

God probably knows if he didn't answer my prayers I would make a pub post putting him on blast.

He asked me if I wanted him to smite you for good measure but I said don't bother.



LOLOL


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