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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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First World Prayers
#23661419 - 09/20/16 11:29 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Dear God
Today, please watch over and protect me.
Send your angels to guide and help me in all my undertakings .
When I sneeze God, please don't let snot spray all over the front of my T-shirt.
And when I wipe my behind Lord, please don't let any poop stick to the hairs around my bum hole.
And God, please stretch out thy hand and ensure that the cheap iPhone chargers I get at 7-11 stop breaking every few days .
If it please thee lord, don't let me forget to bring my tennis ball to work, I like to use It to massage out the sore spots in my buttocks.
Let me not be tempted by lust God, and banish all demons of carnality from my mind, because it's awkward when I get a huge boner in the checkout line.
By thy mercy Lord, grant me cinnamon toast crunch, that I might have sugary breakfast cereal in abundance.
With hope and faith God, I pray that these last few nugs of weed last until payday.
And please absolve me of my sins God. Forgive me if my sexual fantasies last night swerved slightly from the vanilla heterosexual variety.
Thank you for my blessings God.
Thank you for letting me sleep through the night without having to get up and pee. And My left shoulder feels quite a bit better today, so thanks for that, God.
Also God, please hold off on the whole cataclysmic destruction of all life on Earth thing.
In Jesus name I pray ,
Amen
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Everything I post is fiction.
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Burke Dennings
baby merchant

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 81,641
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If he doesn't answer these prayers within 4 business days, you'll know that god is exit scamming you.
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Kinko
Stranger



Registered: 01/07/11
Posts: 3,024
Last seen: 5 months, 30 days
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Instead of using the word god use HOPE because that's really all ur doing ... Hoping shit does not hit the fan.
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fungusmuncher
rabbit chaser



Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 1,068
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Re: Dear God [Re: Kinko] 1
#23661486 - 09/20/16 11:49 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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God??? You mean our lord and saviour Google Christ?
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searching



Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 4,128
Last seen: 6 months, 5 days
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Re: Dear God [Re: Kinko]
#23661493 - 09/20/16 11:51 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kinko said: Instead of using the word god use HOPE because that's really all ur doing ... Hoping shit does not hit the fan.
I'm sure he will do that the next time he makes these very serious prayer requests to God. Now let us pray... Please sweet baby Jesus help kinko regain his sense of humor. He means well but he confused this joke with an opportunity to tell everyone how atheist he is.
That was a joke, too kinko. You're cool don't take it too seriously.
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Moonshoe
Blue Mantis


Registered: 05/28/04
Posts: 27,202
Loc: Iceland
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Well my bum hairs came away clean after my morning AND my afternoon poops, and I am massaging my buttocks with a tennis ball as I type this.
So far , God's customer service has been superb, despite his heavy work load.
God probably knows if he didn't answer my prayers I would make a pub post putting him on blast.
He asked me if I wanted him to smite you for good measure but I said don't bother.
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Everything I post is fiction.
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,331
Loc: subtropics
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Quote:
Burke Dennings said: If he doesn't answer these prayers within 4 business days, you'll know that god is exit scamming you.
LOLQuote:
Moonshoe said: Well my bum hairs came away clean after my morning AND my afternoon poops, and I am massaging my buttocks with a tennis ball as I type this.
So far , God's customer service has been superb, despite his heavy work load.
God probably knows if he didn't answer my prayers I would make a pub post putting him on blast.
He asked me if I wanted him to smite you for good measure but I said don't bother.
LOLOL
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