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OfflineEarth_Droid
Stranger
Registered: 04/19/02
Posts: 5,240
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
My First Poem
    #2366067 - 02/22/04 01:05 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

This is my first true poem I hope it is at least somewhat good.  Please feel free to comment on it.  This poem is called love.  (Like this theme is a big surprise) :wink:
:heart:
____________________________________________________________________________               

                  Love

Love bursting with sorrow, more and more
Cutting open and entangling the wiring within
Its glaring tongue and frowning brow,
Deepens the pit of despair and loss of hope

A friendly reminder to get back into the show
But its still not the time, rid me of this never-ending pain,
For thy have lost thine glow
Why?...Oh?Why??;

Lord, release me from this prison you call heaven!
And cast away my burden, so thy once again can shine
This dreadful loneliness continues to devour my soul
Oh Lord? Oh Lord?

I have tried my best to love, and yet I live in anguish most of my time
I am lost, confused, alone, and without love, what shall I do
This is why I come to you; I pray for love, and give thanks that I can dine
But shall my prayers of love go unanswered;
I shall drink from your mighty fine wine


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Offlinedjurg
Lurker King

Registered: 03/12/02
Posts: 1,435
Loc: Canada,Quebec,Montreal
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: My First Poem [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2366210 - 02/22/04 01:32 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

It was good and I aint no pro at poems.
But isnt it suppose to rime.

I guess it should be a poetical text or something like that


--------------------
Did God created humans or humans created God ?
Only God knows
So no one knows
Cause there's no God.


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OfflineEarth_Droid
Stranger
Registered: 04/19/02
Posts: 5,240
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: My First Poem [Re: djurg]
    #2366401 - 02/22/04 02:14 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

8 looky looks and only one response.  I fail as a lover and a poet now. woohoo!  :lol:


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Offlineenotake2
Stop Bush's war
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Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 5 years, 5 months
Re: My First Poem [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2366423 - 02/22/04 02:22 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I reckon it's gook except for the 'thy' and 'thine' bits - they sound kinda pretentious. OK for the middle ages, but not the 21st century....


--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.


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OfflineEarth_Droid
Stranger
Registered: 04/19/02
Posts: 5,240
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: My First Poem [Re: enotake2]
    #2366507 - 02/22/04 02:48 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Thine deserve a paddlin' in the bum.  :grin:


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Offlinecherokee
tennis shoes
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Registered: 10/25/02
Posts: 41,391
Loc: Nationwide Flag
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Re: My First Poem [Re: djurg]
    #2373585 - 02/23/04 10:45 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Poems don't have to "rime"


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Offlinegreenhaze
one toke overthe line

Registered: 06/03/02
Posts: 514
Loc: the severed garden
Last seen: 11 years, 8 days
Re: My First Poem [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2375707 - 02/25/04 11:34 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Earth Droid -if it means something to you...then it is good poetry... :thumbup:


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OfflineBigNerd
Sociable loner
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Registered: 10/31/03
Posts: 4,228
Loc: local elementary school
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Re: My First Poem [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2376910 - 02/25/04 08:21 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

ED:  Exactly what greenhaze said. =)  I believe, to be grammatically correct, your "thy"s should be "thou"s, but I'm not 100% sure of that.  2 of your stanzas have rhyme, but only in half their lines.  Personally, I think it feels out of place.  Either pick a rhyme scheme consistent throughout the entire poem, or don't rhyme at all.  Beyond the picky minor details, I'd say you've got plenty of potential, just keep trying.  :smile2:

BigNerd


--------------------
Sometimes karma needs a little help.


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