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Anonymous #1
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GF Lied to me about being trans
#23645601 - 09/14/16 07:24 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I live with chronic pain and mental illness. Alot of girls aren't cut out to deal with that, especially at my age (mid 20s) so to finally meet a girl that understands and can relate to the shit I deal with on a daily basis it's a huge deal. Even if it is online.
My last relationship was long distance/online too. So though I know it's difficult I know it can be done with someone special.
She's always been there for me. No matter what, no matter how mad she is at me, or how busy she is, she's always been there. And since we started dating she's always made sure I know she loves me. It takes alot to have someone you love telling you how miserable they are, how much pain they're in, with frequency. Most girls just aren't strong enough for that. They want someone energetic and strong and healthy. I am absolutely none of that. It meant the world to have met someone I thought I could trust to deal with that. She's brutally honest and says things that she might not actually want to say in the long run. I trust that, because she will say whatever is on her mind, good or bad, that she would always be honest with me. We both deal with severe paranoia and delusions at times (she's on a shitload of meds to control this and I kinda just let myself go crazy every so often when meditation and natural remedies don't work. I have klonipin and am on a low dose of prozac but obviously these aren't enough to prevent all episodes.) So I trusted her when she said she would not take a picture of herself because of how terrified of cameras she was. Said it was because of some pervy fuck taking pictures of her as a young teen. It seems reasonable enough to me, considering I've seen her in a full blown paranoia episode. And I know she has issues with a few other things too.
I talked on the phone with her. She has a very gruff voice. But no more gruff than one who smokes 2 packs a day for nearly 20 years, as she does.
I gave her an opening once. Said "I honestly thought you were trans when we first met." and she asked why and I said because of how damn tall she is. She laughed that off.
Well I should have trusted my intuition. I kept pestering her about meeting up and eventually set a date. And she acted like she didn't want me to come. Which upset me. Alot. This finally had her fess up to the fact that she is transgender. Transgender and not on hormones nor surgery or anything.
I probably could have dealt with it early on. But she tells me this a month shy of us having been dating for a year. I'm crushed. I never thought I'd have someone that could get me like she does. That would listen like she does. That I could share so much. I was the yin and she was the yang. She fit me perfectly. I never thought I would have someone that would balance me out so well. That would help me keep my head on straight just by being there. I thought I'd be with someone I could trust so much.
I'm never going to regain that trust. Too many lies got knotted up with that. And she took way too long to tell me. I could have become comfortable to it but I can't now. It's far too backwards. I know we need to break up. But I... don't want to lose her. And I worry that she will try to kill herself.
Shit guys it's hard enough for me not to think of doing the same to myself. Life is fucking hard right now. I'm so tired of being alone. But you can't stay with someone just because you don't want to be alone. I feel like such a fucking idiot. Worse. I feel guilty for not being able to get over it. I'd dated a trans woman before. Which makes this hurt all the more, she fucking knew that. It's not like she didn't know I was okay with people crossing genders. I had a very intimate life with her. Now I feel like I've had an intimate life with a stranger. Someone taking advantage of my ignorance and my naive trust.
Fuck my life. I can't do anything right.
Trans ladies: Please tell your partner BEFORE you do anything and BEFORE you start dating.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#23645992 - 09/14/16 10:09 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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If you never met you weren't dating, dude. Sorry to burst your bubble.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23646005 - 09/14/16 10:15 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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That's pretty fucked up of her to lead you on for a year. She should not have done that. But you have to take some responsibility here too. You were the one who decided that a woman refusing to meet you for a year was a-okay. That was a serious mistake.
If you don't meet a person within a week of the first time you talk, then you should move on. You should definitely not let someone string you along online for a year without ever meeting you. That's on you. You allowed that to happen to yourself.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #3]
#23646120 - 09/14/16 11:02 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #3 said: If you don't meet a person within a week of the first time you talk, then you should move on. You should definitely not let someone string you along online for a year without ever meeting you. That's on you. You allowed that to happen to yourself.
IDK about moving on if you don't meet after a week. I've got a girl I've talked to online for about 17 or 18 years now and we still haven't met. It wasn't (and isn't) anything like dating though. You just can't get so attached to some text on your screen. With my example we're actually probably gonna meet soon, and I'm gonna try to smash that shit but it's not dating.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #2]
#23646124 - 09/14/16 11:04 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yeah, I mainly meant if you're trying to date them and they never agree to any dates for a year. If you're just friends and you'd hit it if you got the chance, that's different.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #3]
#23646658 - 09/15/16 06:23 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Its a 12 hour drive from her place to mine. So it was going to take a couple months for me to have the money and vacation time to do it anyway. She never flat out refused, she claimed she was paranoid about things. Which is fair, I was too. But I knew shit wasn't going to work if we didn't meet up, which is why I pushed it last time.
Of course I made a mistake. And I know what I'm not going to do next time.
And I did not have the intention of dating her when we "met." We were friends for over a year before. I think that's the biggest thing that sucks about it. It felt serious. It felt real. But between a lie that big and never having met in person... Kind of feels like a bad dream... A big long good dream with a horrible ending.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #2]
#23646682 - 09/15/16 06:43 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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It is not uncommon for gay people, lesbians in my case, to find dates online. Believe it or not some of us don't like going to the petting zoos labeled "gay clubs". I'm not racist but most of the lesbians in my area are black and I'm just not attracted to most of them.
I had a friend. A lesbian friend I crushed on a little bit, who confessed deep feelings for me when I was just getting over a major bout of illness. I was unsure at first but I was so happy and excited I just dove on in.
I'd like to say I know I sound like a loser. I know I sound like an idiot. But honestly you guys really just don't get it if you think so. Well, I admit I'm an idiot. But the year has not been an easy sail, I never did get to press her like I should have. I wouldn't have been able to leave until late summer, even if I had the funds.
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Anonymous #4
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23646719 - 09/15/16 07:10 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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No matter what anyone says you can learn a lot about someone and have something really special just by interactions online. I'm sorry this happened to you I hope this doesn't effect your ability to trust people. It sounds like this person cares about you and was scared to push you away. That has to be a hard thing to deal with. It's not quite the same but my first gf didn't know I was a virgin until over a year later, she was pissed I didn't tell her. I thought it would push her away though, thinking I was some clingy virgin with the first piece I got. As if I was immature. In that sense I sympathize with that person, but on the other hand it is no small thing to consider and you will have to choose wisely how you proceed. We can't all have fluid sexuality because that is simply not who people are. Best of luck to you
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #4]
#23646852 - 09/15/16 08:39 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Thanks. I already had trust issues. I jumped into a bad place to try to overcome them I suppose. The internet is like a safety net. You can be open and honest with a person with a lot less on the line. Part of my problem in relationships is I tend not to let anyone know how horrible I feel. Mentally or physically. As strange as it is I do find it is easier to get closer at a distance.
Its breaking my heart to realize that we probably never will be any closer than we were.
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Anonymous #5
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23648207 - 09/15/16 05:35 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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This scene is from Horace and Pete with Louie CK. The morning after he had a one night stand with a woman (or is she?) ... It honestly gave me a new perspective of trannys in our culture... a good discussion.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #5]
#23648343 - 09/15/16 06:25 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Yeah I kind of learned all that, exactly that, when I dated a transgender woman that was pretty far into the transition process. It put a perspective on it that I can't forget.
I can accept her for who she is. I love her for who she is. It's the lying for so long, the lies that had to come about to hide that one lie, and trying to plan a future with me without telling me "by the way I know I don't have a job and live on disability that doesn't pay for shit but I plan on starting hormone therapy and eventually getting a vaginoplasty that may or may not go horribly wrong and possibly kill me." Like I said, neither of us have great health. And I sure as fuck don't make enough money for all that, she can't work more than the occasional part time job. I wouldn't mind helping her through that, I still would as her friend. It's the fact that she let so much go unsaid. Like the physical and emotional strain won't be hell.
Maybe if I weren't so fucked up. But I know that I just can't do all this at this point in my life.
I just don't know how to tell her that it's not because of her being transgender. It's not even as much that she lied about it (as much as that really pisses me off) it's that I can't trust her now and that I can't deal with this in my life right now. That sounds just as harsh as anything.
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Anonymous #5
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23648481 - 09/15/16 07:09 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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dude... cock and balls aside... u cant trust her because youve never met her. Go outside your house and find a woman who has a real vagina and that u can see face to face. Why are u having virtual relationships with ladyboys over the phone? Once you get your dick wet in some natural pussy you will forget all about talking to RuPaul on the phone.
I think you might have some bigger social issues to grapple with here.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #5]
#23648609 - 09/15/16 07:44 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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True but you clearly didn't read the thread and missed pretty much every point on why that's difficult. Especially the part where I don't have a dick to get wet.
And somehow seem to think I need to be told I can't trust her when I've said as much in every post.
Edited by Anonymous (09/15/16 07:47 PM)
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Anonymous #5
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23648713 - 09/15/16 08:17 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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whoops... I did read the thread but must have skimmed over the lesbian part. Some times its easy to assume everyone here is a guy. But either way... If she cant even tell you over the course of a year what body parts she has, then you werent as close as you thought you were. If she still wont meet you, there is much more she is hiding. Time to cut ties as hard as that may seem. Time heals all.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #5]
#23649694 - 09/16/16 07:07 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Nah she's eager to meet up now. Which is fucking annoying because I'm definitely not.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23651937 - 09/17/16 12:44 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I've never agreed with online dating myself
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Anonymous #7
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23652474 - 09/17/16 08:55 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sounds like you need to eat a big ole handful of the gheyshrooms and dshsb
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Anonymous #5
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #6]
#23652479 - 09/17/16 08:56 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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i have my own story about being lied to by a potential mate. I was out of state drunk off my ass at a bar at 4am. This lovely girl sat next to me and started flirting with me. 10 mins later I was making out with her at the bar (she initiated) and everyone was giving us weird looks, which i couldnt understand because it was a pretty wild bar. I pulled her into the bathroom and pushed her up against the wall and started kissing her. I whipped my dick out and put it in her hand and she started stroking it. Things were really heating up and I felt up her body but i noticed a little stubble on her stomach... no big deal, i can work around it. Then I went under her bra and there was nothing there................... so i immediately came to my senses, i stopped kissing her and my dick went limp. I grabbed and pulled the waist band of her jeans to reveal a giant throbbing black cock inside a pair of frilly pink panties. I was mortified but HE just looked at me like "so what"? I just bolted from the bar with everyone looking at me... thank god I was from out of state and was alone.
So yeah, dont let anyone mislead you about their genitalia... not cool. And in my case is was definitely a dealbreaker.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #5]
#23652915 - 09/17/16 11:51 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Not quite the same. Though possibly more traumatic.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #7]
#23652934 - 09/17/16 11:58 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #7 said: Sounds like you need to eat a big ole handful of the gheyshrooms and dshsb
I was waiting for someone to say it 
Anyway, we talked last night. Sucks. I told her that I may lay things out so that we can meet up and start from the ground up after some time but that she shouldn't hold her breath for me. I told her that if she can she should move on, and I'll be trying to do the same. If, after some time has passed, we end up coming back from eachother then I'd be willing to give us a second chance but from a very different point.
I feel better never saying never, especially not where the heart is involved, but I also feel better saying No too. I suppose we will see what happens. Think I'm going to take a little break from the net too.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23655316 - 09/18/16 10:52 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I wondered why no one told you, as this subforum is rather predestined to yield honest and thus sometimes hard answers.
You need to stop fooling yourself. You are obviously holding up lots of illusions to make yourself feel better, while they actually keep you from changing your situation, since Acknowledgement is the first step of change. Aknowledgde that you never had her as a girlfriend, you weren't even dating and that the majority of the bond and closeness you felt was an illusion of yours.
I don't ask you to be hard on yourself, but goddamn stop lying to yourself, you're already believing yourself - it's obvious.
More things than people believe can be changed. Go out as much as you can and do something about the things you desire, instead of fantasizing that you already had them!!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: GF Lied to me about being trans [Re: Anonymous #8]
#23655504 - 09/18/16 12:17 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #8 said:
Aknowledgde that you never had her as a girlfriend, you weren't even dating and that the majority of the bond and closeness you felt was an illusion of yours.
That's closer to truth that I would have admitted months ago but it is not true. We did have a bond. I didn't have feelings for her because of how I imagined she was but because of how she was. Her personality attracted me. Not how she said or implied she looked. It takes a whole fuckload of effort I know she doesn't have in order to pretend to mesh with someone so well.
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