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Anonymous #1

Stopped having sex with my GF
    #23645040 - 09/14/16 03:48 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I been with my GF for almost 5 years. We had sex about 7 times a day when we first met, but over the years it has slowed to about once a week. Mostly because shes boring and apathetic in bed, no matter what I try.

Shes always talked about wanting children. Shes 34 and the clock is ticking. Shes very irresponsible with her money and Ive been telling her for 5 years that I wont have kids with her unless she gets her finances under control. Well after all this time... she still has no money in the bank and maxed out credit cards, even with a good paying full time job.

A couple months ago her younger brother got married and now his wife is pregnant. She is getting updates about the pregnancy and now she starting pressuring be to try to have kids with her.

I flat out told her no, and stopped having sex with her because I dont know if shes going to stop taking her birth control behind my back. Theres no way im going back to condoms either. The only 100% method is abstinence.  So its been 2 months since ive banged her. Im going to give up banging her until I can get a vasectomy, which will probably be another couple months.

Dont know why im telling this... but what the longest any of you have gone without banging you significant other? Excluding long distance relationships and breakups.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23645067 - 09/14/16 03:59 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I once had to go two hours without a good bang
:trolldance:


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Anonymous #3

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #2] * 2
    #23645074 - 09/14/16 04:01 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Sounds like you need to move on tbh fella...


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Anonymous #4

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #23645503 - 09/14/16 06:51 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
Sounds like you need to move on tbh fella...




If you can't have sex because you can't trust her not to take BC then unless you get a vasectomy or she gets fixed herself you're probably not going to be having sex again.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #23645504 - 09/14/16 06:51 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Also the longest me and my partner went without having sex was a year. Know what happened to end it? We broke up.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #23645517 - 09/14/16 06:53 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

It seems to be a situation in which you both want different things.  It's best to come to an understanding about your differences.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #23645541 - 09/14/16 07:01 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

First of all you're an asshole if you think that making a life decision like a vasectomy without your partner is appropriate. You're concerned she's going to go off birth control, but she hasn't as far as you know and is willing to talk to you about this. You're not. Which makes me think you two are either undeniably incomaptible or you just have a 'thing' about being in control. Or both. Either way you still kind of sound like an asshole. Second, you're in a 5 year relationship. Stop being a bitch and help her with her problems if they're an issue. Oh yes, nevermind, you're not willing to compromise like she is. *cough*asshole*cough*


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Anonymous #2

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #23645549 - 09/14/16 07:04 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Maybe yall should eat some boomers, let it sit in for a bit until yall feel comfortable with one another, and then it may help yall open up to one another and sort things out.  This always helps my partner and I.  IDK if yall are both into that sort of thing, but if so, psychedelics can be massively beneficial for mending relationships and opening up to things you didn't even realize were a problem that needed addressing.

If my partner and I weren't able to feel comfortable together while tripping and honestly open up with one another, I would personally be worried we had some much larger problems that needed to be addressed, because our relationship would have to be in the shitter at that point.

Obviously set and setting still apply, dont trip together if yall just finished yelling in each others faces lol.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #23645700 - 09/14/16 08:15 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
First of all you're an asshole if you think that making a life decision like a vasectomy without your partner is appropriate. You're concerned she's going to go off birth control, but she hasn't as far as you know and is willing to talk to you about this. You're not. Which makes me think you two are either undeniably incomaptible or you just have a 'thing' about being in control. Or both. Either way you still kind of sound like an asshole. Second, you're in a 5 year relationship. Stop being a bitch and help her with her problems if they're an issue. Oh yes, nevermind, you're not willing to compromise like she is. *cough*asshole*cough*



I am willing to talk about it. Before I have children, I want all my ducks in a row, financially, healthwise, and whatever else... She just wants to throw caution to the wind and have a baby without even having enough money in her bank account to buy a box of diapers. Ive tried helping her with her problem. I helped her straighten her bills, cosigned for a car for her, and helped her set up a budget. As soon and her credit report cleared up, she opened 15 credit cards and maxed them all out over the course of a year, without me even knowing, Not much else I can do about it other than completely taking over her finances for her, which she doesnt want to do.

I am willing to compromise. I dont think getting our ducks in a row before having a baby is too much to ask. Shes demonstrated that she's not going to do anything about her situation. So I have to plan my own future... which will include no kids.




Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
Maybe yall should eat some boomers, let it sit in for a bit until yall feel comfortable with one another, and then it may help yall open up to one another and sort things out.  This always helps my partner and I.  IDK if yall are both into that sort of thing, but if so, psychedelics can be massively beneficial for mending relationships and opening up to things you didn't even realize were a problem that needed addressing.

If my partner and I weren't able to feel comfortable together while tripping and honestly open up with one another, I would personally be worried we had some much larger problems that needed to be addressed, because our relationship would have to be in the shitter at that point.

Obviously set and setting still apply, dont trip together if yall just finished yelling in each others faces lol.


Yeah I think some boomers together would be a good thing for us. But she never done it and isnt interested. I think it would make both of us see things in our relationship that we arent recognizing. But I do them myself to gain perspective.

We dont yell at each other. We get along pretty good.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23645719 - 09/14/16 08:23 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Yeah I'm sorry I'm an asshole sometimes, I try not to be..

Sounds like she has a problem that won't be solved on her own. Maybe it's your problem, maybe it's not but that answer depends on how much you love her. If it was that bad then I'd be having issues with it too. The only thing I have left to say is I have two kids I love a lot and haven't struggled financially despite never having any money saved up prior to their birth. Things have been great. I am Canadian though, under a certain income you get almost $600 a month per child so that helps a lot.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #23647007 - 09/15/16 09:55 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
Yeah I'm sorry I'm an asshole sometimes, I try not to be..

Sounds like she has a problem that won't be solved on her own. Maybe it's your problem, maybe it's not but that answer depends on how much you love her. If it was that bad then I'd be having issues with it too. The only thing I have left to say is I have two kids I love a lot and haven't struggled financially despite never having any money saved up prior to their birth. Things have been great. I am Canadian though, under a certain income you get almost $600 a month per child so that helps a lot.




Ok maybe u have no money saved, but what if your wife/GF had no money to buy diapers, baby food, milk, toys etc... but then when she got paid she went out and bought stickers, novelty coffee mugs, 100 pack of colored markers, and 15 bottles of lotion for herself? This is what my GF did 3 days after getting her car repossessed. Priorities completely out of wack.

We wouldnt struggle financially, I make good money and wouldnt qualify for govt assistance. But im not willing to procreate if I have to carry the entire load. I pay all the bills in my house as it is now. The only sure-fire method to make sure that doesnt happen is to get clipped, and to not bang her until that happens. She really wants to have kids and its against her wishes... but she had her chance to set things right.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23647022 - 09/15/16 10:02 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

You don't sound very compatible, maybe not the best idea to have children. It sounds like it's not meant to be..

It will end badly going by your posts.

You need to have a good talk and tell her you are going to have the snip. Again, this says you want different things in life and doesn't bode well for the future. For sure..

Good luck with this, it's a toughy.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #23648033 - 09/15/16 04:30 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

If you get a vasectomy knowing she wants to have kids and you don't tell her but continue the relationship then you are bogus as fuck.

At least give her the opportunity to find someone who is willing to procreate with her while she is still somewhat young.

Or give her the option of you controlling all aspects of the finances if that is the only thing holding you back.  Otherwise you're just wasting her time and she'll probably end up resenting you one day for it.

I'm surprised she is still with you after 5 years and no engagement or wedding and she's 34 years old.

The two of you need to have a serious discussion.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #5] * 1
    #23648190 - 09/15/16 05:30 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

She knows im getting snipped. She just doesnt like it. Ive tried having a heart to heart with her but shes not capable of meaningful conversation. She just tells me what she thinks I wanna hear and then continues on as she was. She lives in my house, Ive asked her to leave or at least stay with her parents for a week to give each other a break but she doesnt take my requests seriously.

If I decide to end this relationship im gonna have to do something drastic like just move all her stuff out and change the locks while shes working. Because she wont do it on her own even if I give her the chance.

I have no desire for marriage or a wedding. I willing to stay with someone for the long haul... but I have no desire to have my relationship validated by the church or govt.... another thing we disagree on.

Even with all this bullshit... shes just always so happy to see me. In other ways, she has a respect for me that ive never had from a girl before. And I trust her in a way that I havent been able to with other women. So its not all doom and gloom... but we just dont connect on so many big things.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23649540 - 09/16/16 04:29 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I'm a young psychologist but even if I weren't, I'd probably say pretty much the same.

Overall, you seem like a decent, logical person, and I personally and professionally can approve everything you said here.

The fact that her obviously intense wish for a child is not a motivation strong enough to overcome her unreasonable financial behaviour speaks volumes.
The condition you propose, for her to get her shit together is completely justified and she most likely knows this.
The underlying problem are probably personal traits of her that bother you in other situations as well, despite you may not directly see the connection.
First of all, she seems to use ignorance and repression of problematic behaviour deliberately. That she doesn't take your requests for her to leave seriously fits the kid-money problem perfectly, because she most likely knows that her decadence is so deeply rooted that she is unlikely to get over it before becoming infertile/too old for a pregnancy.

What you could do, is aknowledgde the situation as a top priority and get into counseling TOGETHER as fast and as intense as you can.
Contrary to common beliefs, personal traits that lead to this type of behaviour can actually be changed with effort and time.
Like mentioned before, she may be generally impulsive what's causing her to buy shit or/and be downright addicted to shopping, what I suspect to be the case due to the hideous behaviour with the 15 cards behind your back etc.
That's what addicts do. Hide, cheat, lie.

But to be honest it's kinda late for that. I'm unsure if she really has that much respect for you, for flat-out ignoring what you righteously demand and pressuring you plus thinking she could get away with it.

There is only one option. Get to understand that she will get what she wants if she really means to change, completely with couple's counseling and treatment for shopping addiction.
But you would need to completely trust her, because she may as well drop all her efforts when pregnant and so just fuck you over, what seems likely to me, due to her majorly unreasonable and immature behaviour up until now.

However, if you decide not to trust her and go for it, make sure that she always knows that it was her decision not to change her situation, what kept her from getting a child.
Never accept even the tiniest effort from her side to guilt-trip you.

On another note, I see a big problem with the one-time-a-week boring sex. It doesn't have to be like that. I'm with someone double the time you two are, and it's still 3-5 times a week and always hot & steamy.
How to expect a pregnancy of hers to effect this? You might need your money for yourself indeed, for escorts.
Not even joking. I'd personally get her to accept this in general.
Even if plenty of good sex, most men become unhappy with restricting to one woman sexually. With her not putting any effort into it, it's a recipe for a disaster.
It will bother you more and more as time goes by.

Overall, you don't sound like you're too content with her. I wouldn't be, as well. Her behaviour is downright unacceptable for having a kid.

It's most likely too late.
Get her to understand that the only way to prevent a vasectomy of yours is to change profoundly as the TOP priority.
She should work less hours and get into treatment.
If unwilling, take urgent care to not be fucked over.

To be honest, you seem too good for her.


Edited by Anonymous (09/16/16 04:38 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #23649909 - 09/16/16 08:54 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Damn, all that hit the nail right on the head.

With this whole pregnancy thing brought to the forefront, Im starting to realize, that I dont really want kids no matter what she does. Part of me wants her to keep blowing all her money just so I still have an excuse.

We had a bit of a heart to heart last night. We talked about kids and the money thing, but I brought up something more important. We have absolutely nothing in common. We dont share any of the same passions or interests. And to be honest, I dont think she even has any. I go to concerts, vacations, mountain climbing, and whatever else by myself because shes just not interested in doing anything. I used to take her with me but I stopped because of her complete disinterest. For instance next year im going to the grand canyon by myself, she has no desire. I ask her about things she wants to do instead and she just draws a blank. She's not depressed or anything, quite the opposite. I just think shes brain dead for lack of a better word. We really do love each other and we get along great most of the time. But this is the big gaping hole in the relationship for me. Its like we arent sharing life together, we are just roomates.

I remember an old Hasidic Jew on the subway asked me if I was married. He was surprised that a 30 something year old man was unmarried and had no kids. He said in their community, they dont wait for "the one". Their main priority is creating a family, so they just pair up and get it done because having a family is the end game in life. Sometimes I wonder if theres any truth to that notion.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23650121 - 09/16/16 10:33 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Thank you. Recently someone left me a rating that said "real talk expert". If you want to, you can leave me one of discrete content, too, when some time has passed. I am Murzelpfrumpft, you might know me.

Tbh I could tell that you don't want kids, at least not with her.
Some years ago, when I told my father that I don't think I would ever want kids, he laughed at me and told me that it's none of my choice and that this is something most men don't want, but under certain circumstances, they have no other choice because their women leave them otherwise.
Combined with his notion that all you can expect from a long term partnership is that you get along with each other, you might have dogded that bullet, if you would stay with her.

My girlfriend has to a lesser extent the same tendencies to do not much and not to have special ideas or desires for her spare time. But she at least accepts proposals and/or participates in mine.
I often think how I would benefit from a partner that inspired me.

But then again, we get along well and people tend to take stuff for granted.

Evaluate really well, how awful other women can be and if you really were better off without her.
But it sure sounds like it.

Truth in that statement?
I dunno, jews might do it that way, prolly true.
Recommendable?
Not really. Jews can be somewhat obsessed with the survival of their kind and would never procreate with non-jews, so that may very well be the case.

There is nothing intrinsically valuable in procreating, as the human experience is overrated and the happiness, being able to do what you want with your life is underrated.
Men rarely get those crazy rewarding feels women get from family and kids. Men might enjoy their happy females and have kids for that cause mainly.
My father is right.
What makes a man happy is to fuck around 90% and care for the upbringing of his offspring for the leftover 10% and with women it's the other way round.

However, I am fairly sure I won't have kids if I don't have too.

I can recommend getting your sperm checked. It's not that unlikely that men shoot blanks anyway.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #23650197 - 09/16/16 11:07 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

What makes me happy is that my kids are happy, independent, and healthy. I don't really care about fucking around. I want to be content and happy in my own life, and a good woman is just the icing on the cake.

I hear you with the irresponsible spending, my ex did that too and drove me crazy. When I paid all the bills and money was tight, she would cry if I said we couldn't afford to go out for dinner all the time. Never saved and put vacations on credit cards. When we broke up she got another credit card and racked up 10k in debt in less than a year.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #23655288 - 09/18/16 10:46 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

It's american upbringing. In Europe, youre told from early on that debt is somewhat akin to an indicator of failure at life.

So while I see how that can come about, I don't understand it at all. When I was in cc debt of 1000 euro this year for the first time ever, I felt intensely bad and it only went away when I paid it off. Horrible feeling I totally underestimated.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #23655467 - 09/18/16 12:06 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

well if you think about it, most people truly are in debt. Our economy is designed that way. All my bills are paid up to date and I gave $50,000 saved up.... But I have mortgages on 2 buildings and a car loan. So really I am in debt. We live our entire lives in debt.


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Anonymous #9

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23657247 - 09/18/16 10:37 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I think you should get a fleshlight. Try not to look up any porn if she has access to the "device" you might/always use. Also, hide the fleshlight in toolbox that she has no interest in. Get strap-on same size and color. Although being a woman myself, we really don't give 2 fucks about noticing unless we were told to :-* sounds like a chain gettin' ready to lasso some balls!!


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Anonymous #10

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #23662548 - 09/20/16 06:07 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

.


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Anonymous #11

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #23688300 - 09/28/16 08:17 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Hit the road jack


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Anonymous #12

Re: Stopped having sex with my GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23695629 - 09/30/16 09:55 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Pull out and nut on her lower back or belly.  The feeling of warm jizz on a chick is sure to make her giggle too.


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