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OfflineLucisM
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Registered: 03/28/15
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How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with?
    #23637312 - 09/11/16 10:16 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

How do you deal with narcissism if it's someone you're close with? 

How do you navigate your life, knowing that the narcissist in question is constantly making pitfall for you by spreading lies, creating negative rumors, and even going so far as to physically destroy what they can get their hands on of yours?


Speaking with this person has no effect, this person is by definition a bully, narcissist, and sociopath, and they revel in causing others harm, and think the world revolves around them.  I have been told by people that this person has said some ruthless lies about myself, and others know that is not true because my actions don't show it, and those people have worked around me, and been around me long enough to know me.


I have tried to be civil when I see them, to be patient, and to try to have meaningful conversations with them, and let them know they have a choice in how they treat others.  You see this person was abused by their parents, and they have bottled up all that abuse and used it as ammo for their numerous spouses, and against their children, they have effectively continued the cycle of abuse which was started a long time ago.


Ignoring them works for a bit, but that just seems so hostile for me, and I really don't have any ill feelings towards this person despite their repeated attempts to trigger a negative response out of me, they want to trigger that negative response so that it can be used against me, so then they can say "woe is me" which is a classic narcissist move.  Maybe I am being to nice, and from reading the DSM (diagnostic and statistic manual of mental disorders) entry about sociopaths and narcissists, I realize it's probably a lost cause, but maybe one of you guys have had to deal with people like this, and can offer some advice, I am all ears.

I realize I wont be able to fix this person, and dealing with them is not stressful at all, but it's just really sad seeing them like this way.


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Invisiblelaughingdog
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Lucis] * 1
    #23637406 - 09/11/16 11:18 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Fennario said:
How do you deal with narcissism if it's someone you're close with? 

How do you navigate your life, ... bully... sociopath, and they revel in causing others harm, and think the world revolves around them. ...I realize I wont be able to fix this person, and dealing with them is not stressful at all, but it's just really sad seeing them like this way.




well apparently this person has multiple issues that are unlikely to change promptly

that much seems clear

as there are many factors involved I doubt anyone on a message board can provide what you seek

that "dealing with them is not stressful' is a real blessing as such folks can give one gray hairs. Yes it is sad. Seems like your coming from compassion and not judgement. Perhaps, like the movie title: that's 'as good as it gets'?

Don't know if it would be 'your cup of tea', but there is a meditation practice that is suitable for this sort of thing. It is called tonglen meditation and is taught by Pema Chödrön. I will provide a link, but not not cover what is covered in the links. Good luck.

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=tonglen+meditation&t=h_&ia=web


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OfflineLucisM
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: laughingdog]
    #23637829 - 09/12/16 07:11 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I understand that this might not be the right place for this, but have seen some amazing things people have posted in this forum, so thought it wouldn't be bad to try.

Thanks for the link.


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Invisiblelaughingdog
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Lucis]
    #23637996 - 09/12/16 09:01 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Pema has videos on youtube that might be relevant, even if the meditation isn't exactly what seems like it might be useful at the moment.

I think the fact that you ask the questions you do and see things as you do, shows that you already have a kind attitude, and that is a gift in its own right. So often we expect identifiable solutions, or dramatic results, and over look what is simpler but also valuable.


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OfflineWithinity
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Lucis]
    #23638401 - 09/12/16 12:32 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Learn to accept it or evade the situation. It's always going to be about them if they are truly a narcissist If you can't handle it then run!!!

If you feed the troll it won't leave you alone that's another thing to consider.


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InvisibleBunya
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Withinity]
    #23638432 - 09/12/16 12:50 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I know a real bad one.
Ignoring is best and minimize conversation.
If you do have to talk with them keep it about them, dont give them fuel about yourself.
When they put down other people, I always refer it back to him. (But you did something simular here).
Being happy pisses them off and can make you a target.
I just use the 20ft distance rule now.
And irrationally snap occasionally to keep him at a distance


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Bunya cones kill.


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Invisiblecez
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Lucis]
    #23638573 - 09/12/16 02:03 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Why do you want to keep the company of a narcissistic bully that lies about you?


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: cez]
    #23640065 - 09/12/16 10:07 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I work with a guy who sounds similar to the person described in OP. I too, have tried all the quiet talks, I've listened to what he will share with me and welcomed it, and have viewed him through the eyes of compassion and seen that he only acts this way due to the fact he has bottled up his trauma and will not face it, instead throwing chunks of it at others, like steaming piles of shit.

I know this is not just my feeling, because the entire team feels the same way.

Well, after a recent bout of illness, and sticking my neck out to help the team even though I should have been in bed, and them having him shit on me, I fucking lost it. I raised my voice, called him out on all his bullshit, and told him that this was the final straw. I'm gonna be watching him like a hawk from here on out and he's gonna cop another earful next time I catch him acting like this.

His final response was (after feigning ignorance for a long time) 'well, I can't argue with any of that'. Perhaps it was just meant to placate me (I was pretty furious) but people tell me he's changed (we're on different shifts 3/4 weeks). They say he's become more timid. Which, for an arrogant, aggressive bully, surely counts for something.

I'll see how it goes in the long run, but it definitely did something.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineCrumist
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23640671 - 09/13/16 05:44 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

If you can't fix narcissism in others, how does one fix it within themselves?


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'I am all for resources being allocated to the widowed single mother of 3, lost husband over seas fighting for our country. I am for vets getting mental health access and resources following war. I am not for free money cause a woman can't close her legs or some chump with low testosterone no going to work cause "i'm sad."' -finalexplosion
Nice knowin ya'll! https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/23904704/vc/1#23904704


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OfflineBrian Jones
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Lucis]
    #23640701 - 09/13/16 06:11 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I'm going to give you the nice short answer. Get away from them.


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"The Rolling Stones will break up over Brian Jones' dead body"    John Lennon

I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

The worst thing about corruption is that it works so well,


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Crumist]
    #23642338 - 09/13/16 05:27 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

One cannot 'fix' anything within others. That is not the point. The point is to find a way to mitigate their behaviour when it damages you and people around you.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: Lucis]
    #23643579 - 09/14/16 12:45 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Fennario said:

How do you deal with narcissism if it's someone you're close with? 

How do you navigate your life, knowing that the narcissist in question is constantly making pitfall for you by spreading lies, creating negative rumors, and even going so far as to physically destroy what they can get their hands on of yours?





Narcissism is a common issue in relationships and in the workplace.

Some call narcissists "crazy makers" as they can cause one to question their sanity.

There are many excellent books on how to deal with narcissists.

This is one I like a lot!

   


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OfflineHalayudha
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Re: How to deal with narcissism in those you're close with? [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #23644250 - 09/14/16 10:06 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Nice thread.  It also brings to mind fairly early that - there are varying levels of rigidity to personality that tend to happen ... all of the advice above seems fairly on target -- especially cez's. . .

These kind of people are kind of like a vortex for energy -- not such a good idea to spend much energy or time on them. . . / yet, they deserve kindness as well. . .

To add to what the others have said - keep your focus on work --- although I see that you're not talking a work specific relationship. 

Understanding human nature is a funny thing but -- keep yourself safe and what not --

having a good reputation is very helpful for that, . . .



Don't let them bother you - don't let it affect you -- continue on your growth to be a super-cool, super-genius type of person. . . :smile:

all else follows from that.


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Call me not rebel, though { here at every word
                          {in what I sing
If I no longer hail thee  { King and Lord
                          { Lord and King


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